Relationships + "hookup" sites / apps

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    Just curious, when you're in a monogamous relationship, what are your thoughts on your boyfriend using sites + apps, such as Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude, BigMuscle, Grindr and Scruff?

    Would you be OK or not OK with your boyfriend using any of those sites or apps, and why / why not?
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    BuffTennisJock saidJust curious, when you're in a monogamous relationship, what are your thoughts on your boyfriend using sites + apps, such as Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude, BigMuscle, Grindr and Scruff?

    Would you be OK or not OK with your boyfriend using any of those sites or apps, and why / why not?


    Not accpetable. They are all hook up sites. You find people to hook up with on those sites. To be on those sites is to actively look to hook up with people.

    Dump his ass.
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    .........seriously?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    Over his dead body
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2011 11:53 PM GMT
    I think it was mentioned earlier, but those sites are specifically for finding someone to have a sexual encounter with. Something like that indicates a much larger problem in the relationship. If a significant other has to go online to search for intimacy or a good time, chances are that something is missing in the relationship or that individual does not respect the relationship.

    On the flip side, considering there are several people that endorse “open” relationships, I’m sure there’s a crowd of individuals out there that wouldn’t mind it at all.

    Basically, it comes down to the expectations within a relationship, communication, and trust. For me, I would not be okay with my significant other using any of those sites, which is something we have talked about openly. And honestly, there’s no reason for either one of us to.
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    Sep 19, 2011 11:58 PM GMT
    I think there would have to be a lot of communication around it.... perhaps he can give you his password or create a "joint" account. lol.

    What does he say its for? And...if you are suspicious, why exactly? The simple use of such sites, or is there more to the story?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    It's none of your business. I use those sites to meet with similar interests.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    One question: Do you really have to ask? You need to love yourself, and dump him. Unless, you've already talked about 3somes and having an open relationship; it's uncalled for. I bet he'd be pissed if he caught you doing the exact same thing. Hell, do it, when you know he'll see, confront him and dump him. Maybe he'll learn... maybe.
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Sep 20, 2011 12:09 AM GMT
    My good friend and I got into this topic earlier. He has a new boyfriend, and my friend was going on about his Grindr (his own, not his new bf). I asked him the same question as the OP. We disagreed big time. My friend sees Grindr as innocent and just for making friends, but this is the same guy who invited some dude offline to come party with us, while my friend had a boyfriend. Of course they hooked up.

    Personally, I don't believe that is fair to use dating apps/sites in a monogamous relationship. Even if the intent is making friends, it isn't fair to the guys on the site looking for hook ups/dating...or the boyfriend for that matter. I do believe gay guys can be friends, of course, but it is all in context. I didn't meet my friend above on a site. I meant him in person and we've had friendly intentions during our entire friendship. Meeting someone offline gives a different context, IMO. Why not go out into the world and meet friends, instead of joining hook up apps? The saying 'one thing led to another' is not really cliche. It's how my ex and I broke up !

    But it is about honesty and trust, I think. My boyfriend told me made a Grindr after someone showed him what it is. He just looks like seeing all the queers around him, but he knows it bothers me. I don't believe he uses it, but I don't really care. I trust him, and if he crosses the line I'm sure to find out.
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    Sep 20, 2011 12:10 AM GMT
    BuffTennisJock saidJust curious, when you're in a monogamous relationship, what are your thoughts on your boyfriend using sites + apps, such as Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude, BigMuscle, Grindr and Scruff?

    Would you be OK or not OK with your boyfriend using any of those sites or apps, and why / why not?


    I agree with most of what's been said on this thread: the list you have is primarily hook-up oriented, and unless you are in an open (or monogami-ish, as Dan Savage puts it) relationship, it could be a problem.

    That said, all the sites aren't the same. Grindr and Scruff aren't anywhere near as "fuck now" as Manhunt and A4A are, and BigMuscle includes a lot of lurkers who just like big guys. Try not to laugh, but some guys do just like to look and talk. Some only flirt but never close a deal.

    I think what matters more than being on there at all is the honesty between a couple about being on there in the first place. Does Guy A in the relationship *know* that Guy B is on grindr? Does Guy B know that Guy A likes checking out the beef on BigMuscle? And so on. It's communication that matters, not what we all tell you the rules are. Being on those sites doesn't mean you're cheating; lying about it or hiding it, though, probably does.
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    Sep 20, 2011 12:11 AM GMT
    torrentprime said
    BuffTennisJock saidJust curious, when you're in a monogamous relationship, what are your thoughts on your boyfriend using sites + apps, such as Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude, BigMuscle, Grindr and Scruff?

    Would you be OK or not OK with your boyfriend using any of those sites or apps, and why / why not?


    I agree with most of what's been said below: the list you have is primarily hook-up oriented, and unless you are in an open (or monogami-ish, as Dan Savage puts it) relationship, it could be a problem.

    That said, all the sites aren't the same. Grindr and Scruff aren't anywhere near as "fuck now" as Manhunt and A4A are, and BigMuscle includes a lot of lurkers who just like big guys. Try not to laugh, but some guys do just like to look and talk. Some only flirt but never close a deal.

    I think what matters more than being on there at all is the honesty between a couple about being on there in the first place. Does Guy A in the relationship *know* that Guy B is on grindr? Does Guy B know that Guy A likes checking out the beef on BigMuscle? And so on. It's communication that matters, not what we all tell you the rules are. Being on those sites doesn't mean you're cheating; lying about it or hiding it, though, probably does.


    Well it depends I know people who are on Grindr in a relationship, but I dont know of many on A4A looking for just friends. Its really about communication moreso than anything else.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Sep 20, 2011 12:12 AM GMT
    the word is trust.

  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Sep 20, 2011 12:23 AM GMT
    If he's allowed to play around without you, I guess his online activities are OK. If you're in a "sharing open" relationship where you agree to only sexually share guys either of you find online or elsewhere, then it's acceptable. If you don't have that kind of relationship, then what is he thinking? You need to be talking to him about where your relationship is going, and not to us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    Here in Brazil manhunt works like a gay social network for those who think facebook is not very private. I have never fucked 99% of my gay friends yet I met most of them on MH.

    You can tell your boyfriend to not have any shirtless pictures and just say he should only be looking for friends. You can also say you will be watching his profile. Who owes nothing has nothing to fear.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Sep 20, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    Blackbeltguy saidthe word is trust.



    You don't know you can't trust someone until you KNOW you can't trust someone. icon_cool.gif
  • Abc123456

    Posts: 336

    Sep 20, 2011 1:02 AM GMT
    What's manhunt's trademark? Log on, get off?

    Guys who say they want to use these sites to "make friends" when they're hitched, need to get bent
    A) any excuse you have is bullshit. Go to a house party and meet new people or pick up a rec sports league; your wandering eyes are olllllld news.
    B) guys ON those site are looking for guys they can possibly date...or fuck... Do you know how lame it is when someone say, "I'm committed" when I meaasge them and say, "what are you looking for"? Like....it's not friendcharity.com I'm single, and I wanna find a boy friend....GTFO!

    PS. I'm jussss looking for friensss....
    *eye roll*
    *troll face*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2011 1:06 AM GMT
    I would encourage him to use those sites, and to share his hookups if they're into 3+ways...and hot.
  • str8hardbody9

    Posts: 1519

    Sep 20, 2011 1:09 AM GMT
    BuffTennisJock saidJust curious, when you're in a monogamous relationship, what are your thoughts on your boyfriend using sites + apps, such as Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude, BigMuscle, Grindr and Scruff?

    Would you be OK or not OK with your boyfriend using any of those sites or apps, and why / why not?



    NO it means he's looking for a hook up and want to have a quick sex. adam4adam is the best site to get a quick sex. Bigmuscle are for older men, Grindr is easy as well Scruff? mmm I have to check this one.
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Sep 20, 2011 1:14 AM GMT
    If he's going to cheat, he doesn't need those sites or apps to do it.

    If you think telling him that he can't use those sites or apps will keep him from cheating, then you're in for a world of disappointment.
  • allezallez

    Posts: 50

    Sep 20, 2011 1:20 AM GMT
    Fuck that shit. None of those sites are used for "friendships," except for maybe BigMuscle. In my eyes, BigMuscle is no different than RealJock (except it has bigger guys) and is more of an appreciate site than it is anything else.

    The other sites, though? Are hookup sites. It's not about "trust," it's about the image that you are putting out to others. Common thought is that a site like Manhunt or Adam4Adam is for hookups. It doesn't matter if it's what think it's for, it's what others think it's for. If I or my guy puts an ad up on there, it cheapens the image that we put out about our own relationship, and that to me is very dangerous and very unacceptable.


    jekyll2hyde saidWhat's manhunt's trademark? Log on, get off?


    In French, their trademark translates to "Get on, get off." Which is actually pretty funny, I think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    What apps/sites does this hypothetical guy use? They are not all hook-up sites. And so what if he is on a hook-up site? Being on a site like A4A or Manhunt doesn't mean that he's fucking around on you.
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    Sep 20, 2011 1:23 AM GMT
    I am probably the least trustworthy person out there but have been more lenient in my feelings on this in my new relationship & heres why.

    Its evident that the internet is becoming more & more part of our daily lives. Id rather have a bf that is open & honest about his profiles &etc than to lie & hide everything.

    My ex I caught on mh & a4a numerous times which he had done in secret, lied about & eventually caught him cheating....go figure, no surprise.

    My new bf I actually met online, a4a, & his profile is very platonic but his pics are or were very graphic.

    We talked about it & hes been online for years. Id rather someone be upfront & honest with me then hide & lie. I did demand he take down the nasty pics though.

    Hes even offered me his passwords to these accts & to his phone. He lives 5 miles from me & still lets me know what hes doing all the time.

    Even though im not crazy about him being on there he took down the pics immediately, is very respectful & seems more trustworthy than my ex ever was.

    If guys want to be on these sites for flirting or social networking they can easily make fake secret profiles behind your back & lie about it. Id rather know everything upfront & be honest. Hes offered to delete the acct but I tell him thats his decision.

    I have had friends on there though tell me that since being with me he is hardly ever on there when before it was 24/7.

    Is it ideal to be on these sites while being in a perfect monogamous relationship? No. But face it guys, everything is done online now adays. If your guy wants to be on there id sure as hell rather it be open & honest & done respectfully v.s. lying about it & finding out later.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    As someone who would love to be in a monogamous, mutual loving relationship, I have little tolerance for those who are blessed to have a relationship and yet sleep around on the side. If you want to be a whore, that's great. Just be a whore. Why get in a relationship? Leave the relationship-oriented guys to us who want to be in a relationship.
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    Sep 20, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    RiverRising saidWhat apps/sites does this hypothetical guy use? They are not all hook-up sites. And so what if he is on a hook-up site? Being on a site like A4A or Manhunt doesn't mean that he's fucking around on you.


    First, I want to clarify that my boyfriend is not using all of those sites -- he had been using Grindr + Scruff but agreed to stop using them. And we both agreed that both of us would not use dudesnude, manhunt, bigmuscle and adam4adam.

    He said he was using grindr + Scruff just to chat, not looking to hookup. Nothing wrong with just chatting with people, but those apps just have this "vibe" and reputation of "hookup material" and I don't feel comfortable with it in a monogamous relationship.

    Some people might say "Well, if you trust him not to cheat on you, then you should be able to trust him using Scruff + Grindr, trusting that he's only talking to friends and not sexually chatting up people and cheating." Then I ask, where do you draw the line -- by the same logic, one could argue that he should have free reign to go on ANY site (Manhunt, a4a, etc.) and that if I trust him not to cheat it shouldn't be an issue.

    I've also had a couple of friends say they've met good friends from Scruff and Grindr. But the overwhelming response I've gotten so far is that if you're in a monogamous relationship (not an open relationship), that most people have said they think Scruff, Grindr, etc. really shouldn't be used, that there's no need for it.
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    Sep 20, 2011 2:06 AM GMT
    I agree with the general consensus - there is no reason to be on such sites - it's playing on the railroad tracks no matter you you rationalize it and a train will eventually come.