Worried my mother might relapse if I come out to her.

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    Sep 20, 2011 4:25 AM GMT
    I'm out to a lot of my friends and some close family; however, I can't bring myself to tell my mom. My mother has been struggling with sobriety for as long as I can remember. My childhood was rocky and she blames herself greatly for it. She had been sober for five years before too many things accumulated and she relapsed. She has 7 months now of being sober. My mother is my world (HUGE momma's boy) and I'm taken back at the thought that she may have trouble accepting that I'm gay. Its a long shot but I was wondering if anyone has gone through this and what their experience was like. Anything would help really. Thanks guys
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    Sep 20, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    Not the same thing, but my dad has a heart condition (though it's managed with medication) and my sister has actually broached the idea that my coming out could make it worse. icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 20, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    I'm guessing if your mom is an alcoholic, you're familiar with "enabling." Think about the dynamic currently at work right now.....you can't be honest about who you are because...... (fill in the blank)
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    Sep 20, 2011 7:13 AM GMT
    Loving yourself to be honest and loving her when you say you're gay is perhaps the two greatest gifts you'll ever give.
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    Sep 20, 2011 7:14 AM GMT
    thats tough man, good luck.

    btw - its hard for me to fully communicate this well enuff without sounding aloof or unsympathetic. thats the furthest thing from the truth, but

    if your mom drinks because of it, shes really just looking for an excuse to drink. nothing else matters. its nothing you did or didnt do.

    hope that helps.
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    Sep 20, 2011 3:14 PM GMT
    You have no power over your mother's choice to relapse.
    To allow your mother power over you being true to who you are, is twisted.
    Be true to who you are.
    Be supportive of your mother and her feelings whatever happens in life.
    Get her to a meeting if she can't handle whatever her feelings are with whatever happens in life.
    Go to an AlAnon meeting for the loved ones of those who live with addiction.
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    Sep 20, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    Alanon.

    Trust me.

    Went for 7 years.
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    Sep 20, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidYou have no power over your mother's choice to relapse.
    To allow your mother power over you being true to who you are, is twisted.
    Be true to who you are.
    Be supportive of your mother and her feelings whatever happens in life.
    Get her to a meeting if she can't handle whatever her feelings are with whatever happens in life.
    Go to an AlAnon meeting for the loved ones of those who live with addiction.



    This is exactly what I was trying to say above but this is much more to the point. This is your answer. Any other advice is to have you tip-toeing around her addiction, and that's not helping you or her. She's a grown woman and it's time she learns to deal with the things in life she doesn't like without drinking.

    "You cannot sedate all the things you hate." - Marilyn Manson
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    Sep 20, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    I agree with GAMRican. Alanon is a good resource for you, if you are truly concerned.

    Also, if she is in a program to help her sober up, there may be resources there that could help.

    Good-luck!
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    Sep 20, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidWow, a difficult one, indeed.

    What does your mother think about homosexuals?

    Do you think she might already know?

    I can't tell you what to do but all I can say is that I came out to my mother when I was eighteen.

    I got a sort of slap in the face by her asking me, "Why did you tell me?! Why did you think I wanted to know!?"

    We didn't talk for over two weeks and we were the only two left in the family home. My mother didn't really want to know. That hurt me since she would rather live in a lie than to know her own son and have an honest relationship with me.

    I wish you the best with how you handle this. If she is homophobic and you know this then maybe now is not the right time. But really you are the one to answer this. Maybe seek professional counseling and get some guidance that way?



    Ouch... I think this would be the thing that would've hurt me the most by far if I really came out. You must have been really strong to tide that over. How does she see you now?
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Sep 20, 2011 4:58 PM GMT
    I may have a different perspective here as someone who botched coming out very badly as a drunk 16 year old, and have since spent a couple of decades in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse.

    1. You are not responsible for your mother's emotions--the more honest your relationship with her is, the healthier it will be over the long haul

    2. however, you are responsible for your own actions, so while I think we all owe it to ourselves to come out, it's important to do it in a way that is sensitive to the needs of friends and family while they process this information. Contact P-Flag and see what resources they have--there are some really helpful books out there about what to expect during the process. Al-anon/Nar-Anon is also a great suggestion.

    Good luck, and feel free to send me a private message if you have any questions that you think I might be able to help with.
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    Sep 20, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    Man . . . it all comes down to you. I was terrified to tell my mom. She has so much to deal with in her life already. My sister is really sick. She is really sick. My dad is oblivious much of the time. My grandmother is in bad shape. I was kinda the only normal thing in her life. More than anything I didn't want to tell her just to be that rock in her life. However, I finally realized it just wasn't fair to me and I told her. It was very hard. She even told me that this was the last straw and she didn't think she could handle it which was terrifying to me. However, she seems to have slowly accepted it or at least pretends to which is acceptable I guess. I am much happier now that she knows and it feels like a huge weight lifted off my chest. I just know that I made the right decision for me, as it just wouldn't be fair to live like I was for so long. May be soon with the repeal of DODT it will make it even easier for her to accept it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 20, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    I think it all comes down to you and how you tell her. If you express it has "something you've accepted" as in "hardship" in your life, she'd apt to have a more difficult time. If you express it as part of who you are and that you are happy and satisfied as a person.... probably much better.

    If you do tell her and only you can really make the decision, come across the right way so it can be of benefit to both you and her.

    Good luck.. my best wishes for success with it!
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    Sep 20, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    Actually, on hindsight, now I'm thinking "Fuck, don't do it unless you have a way of not letting her suffer a shock."

    Survival always comes first man. But then again, I'm sure you'll be able to work out some gentle easing way of telling her since you probably know your mum the best. So, all the best!
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    Sep 20, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    theantijock saidI get so pissed that 30 years after I had to deal with the issue of coming out, it is still not resolved for today's youth.

    QFFT!
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    Sep 20, 2011 6:46 PM GMT
    Your Mom is going to relapse or not.

    Her addiction isn't about you. it's about her.

    As someone who struggles with addiction, please know that I did not need a reason to relapse. It either happened or it didn't.

    Do what you need to do and let God take care of the rest.
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    Sep 21, 2011 3:29 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for all of your responses. Its helping put things in perspective for me. I know she will love me regardless but she has been through so much shit and its been on my mind to come out to her. I appreciate you guys for giving your insight. I took everything you all said to heart and I think I will tell her soon. I'll let you all know how it goes. Relapse or not I will love her and be there for her. Hopefully she can do the same for me.
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    Sep 21, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    Saber170 saidMy mother is my world (HUGE momma's boy)


    Somehow, I think she already knows lol... How old are you? I think she knows why you haven't had a gf all this time lol. Same reason my boyfriend hasn't icon_razz.gif
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Sep 21, 2011 4:10 AM GMT
    I've always thought that honesty is the most important thing you can give somebody and hiding something like that from your mother is not giving her the benefit of the doubt. My mom handled it poorly at first, but she came around (until her alzheimers got so bad she forgot I was gay and I had to keep coming out to her over and over).