:( keeping parents in the dark

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 5:00 PM GMT
    My parents are always telling me i work too much at college because they never see me dating and i never mention dating. Im not out to them. Anyone got any stories of keeping the sharade up? How long can i keep this up?
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    May 15, 2008 5:38 PM GMT
    Just keep it up until you feel like you are ready to talk to them about it. Another thing you could do is just tell them that you're hanging out with this friend or that friend. Eventually a way to come out to them is just let them meet your friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 5:40 PM GMT
    Just tell dear mom that porn is a lot cheap than the old ball and chain.
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    May 15, 2008 6:01 PM GMT
    There are some good reasons to stay in the closet. Such as, they are putting you through college and are such insufferable dicks they would kick you out if you turned out wrong.

    Barring that, there is no need to keep up the charade. Your mother could be asking you such questions to open up your sexuality to discussion.
  • blahatthat

    Posts: 37

    May 15, 2008 7:37 PM GMT
    In time you will know when to go the extra mile.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 15, 2008 7:40 PM GMT
    Say that you're too busy with exams and tests to go out dating for now... icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    May 15, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    I'd say it depends on your relationship with your parent's now.

    I didn't tell my dad for years. It was mainly because we weren't close and I considered it to be a pretty inconsequential thing for him to know. There were tons of other things about me that he didn't know, so why should that be a big deal? And I was worried he wouldn't approve, possibly making Christmas dinner at my granny's house uncomfortable (that being the only time we spent together).

    Living with your parent's is possibly a different situation. Do your parent's love you? Do they seem accepting of other things that they may disapprove of? Do they seem to care about you? Are they fundamentalist born-again Christians?

    If you feel like you shouldn't come out to them because they're financially supporting you and you're worried that would end, then that sounds like a pretty good reason to stay in the closet to them.

    If that's the case, then here are some good reasons:

    * Money
    * Shelter
    * Food

    I don't think you can get too much better than that for reasons.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 8:01 PM GMT
    Hey man... I'm in the same boat, and I'm in Grad School!!!

    I always tell them that I'm just really busy and am waiting to get out of school and established before I get into a serious relationship.

    But... I've started coming out to my friends, so my parents are going to be coming up on the list soon enough....
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    May 15, 2008 8:17 PM GMT
    carthesis saidMy parents are always telling me i work too much at college because they never see me dating and i never mention dating. Im not out to them. Anyone got any stories of keeping the sharade up? How long can i keep this up?


    Tell them your holding out for someone you feel a special connection true rather than dating for the sake of dating.

    My stepmum got drunk at an extremely fancy yacht club dinner and yelled out what my family apart from my not so in tune farther already knew.

    The words uncomfortable silence gained a whole new depth for me that day...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 8:30 PM GMT
    Mom kept me in the dark for 9 months - my turn now
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 8:52 PM GMT
    I'm sure your parents love you for who you are so perhaps it's about time to tell them. What people don't like is being left in the dark. What if some time down the line they find out? How do you think that will make them feel? That they went wrong somewhere?

    Best to do it sooner rather than later.
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    May 15, 2008 9:39 PM GMT
    "MOM! Are you and dad gonna start telling me about your intimate moments...I dont wanna know!" Cover your ears with your hands and run to your room screaming.

    Or a more reasonable response...Mom, let me handle my own private life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 9:44 PM GMT
    carthesis saidMy parents are always telling me i work too much at college because they never see me dating and i never mention dating. Im not out to them. Anyone got any stories of keeping the sharade up? How long can i keep this up?


    You are only 19. Only you can say how long you can hold out not telling them. I turn 28 this year and still have not said those 3 words to my parents.
  • Paradigm_Shif...

    Posts: 251

    May 15, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    A lot of people have mentioned that if parents are paying for school or providing financial support then you can stay in the closet.

    Fist I want to say that everyone has to do what is best for them and sometimes keeping quiet may be the best option.

    However, for me I decided to come out and now my parents no longer pay the tuition ($33,000+ per year :-). So, yes, its sucks, I have student loans out of my ass lol, and my relationship with my family really suffered for a while. But, as I look back over the past few years I honestly couldn't put a price tag on the amazing experiences and growth I've had.

    Being out was a big sacrifice, but for me I think it was all worth it.

    I just thought I would add that perspective to the conversation...
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    May 15, 2008 9:58 PM GMT
    This is why we have Fag Hags and Lesbians; just in case the heat turns up too high. Do what you have to do, kiddo.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 10:04 PM GMT
    UncleverName saidI'd say it depends on your relationship with your parent's now.

    If you feel like you shouldn't come out to them because they're financially supporting you and you're worried that would end, then that sounds like a pretty good reason to stay in the closet to them.

    If that's the case, then here are some good reasons:

    * Money
    * Shelter
    * Food

    I don't think you can get too much better than that for reasons.


    How about Honesty?

    Sorry - but so many of you above seem to be saying that its ok to lie to your parents as long as you are getting all you can out of the relationship - food-shelter-money-education.

    While I think it is ok to protect oneself, especially if you are underage, they should not be excuses for not coming out as an adult.

    As an adult (age 18+) you should be able to pro actively take some responsibility for your own affairs - including finding employment - shelter - and higher education. No, it may not be easy, but a hell of a lot of us seem to have managed it.

    Look - I am not trying to criticize unfairly - hell, I didn't even realize I was gay until my mid 20's, and I didn't come OUT until a few years later. There are many dynamics to a person's coming OUT. But most of them involve physical, emotional, and mental health.

    I just think it is really incredibly disingenuous to state that the reason someone shouldn't come out is because they think they can profit more from their parents by staying closeted. What does that say about having an adult relationship with your parents and taking responsibility for yourself.

    If most gays feel that way at a young age, no wonder so many have such a lack of self respect.

    Just sayin...



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2008 10:10 PM GMT
    Those are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.
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    May 15, 2008 10:39 PM GMT
    McGay saidThose are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.

    Ooooh - someone just got pwned!
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    May 15, 2008 10:41 PM GMT
    To respond a little to what ITJock said, I'd have to say that at the end of the day, coming out is only as big of a deal as you make it. If I woke up one day suddenly with a third nipple, and found out that my parent's wouldn't continue to support me if I told them, I wouldn't necessarily tell them until later. Is having a third nipple that important to me or the rest of the world? In the grand scheme of things, no; it's not really a big deal. Being gay is just one aspect of you; get over it and it will be easier for others to.

    If you don't feel comfortable telling your parent's now, then don't. If when you do tell them they are upset that you shut them out for so long, apologize and tell them that it really wasn't that big of a deal. If it is that big of a deal for you, then you probably should tell them now.

    I can understand ITJock's comments and where he is coming from. In terms of being a man and supporting yourself, if I agreed with all of ITJock's comments (and I don't), I would say they apply regardless of whether you come out or not. If it's important enough for you to come out and deal with the consequences of it (if the consequences might mean supporting yourself), then you should figure out how to support yourself anyways, and then come out anyways. The two are not necessarily connected.

    The original poster asked for reasons to stay in the closet. I wasn't condoning him staying in the closet or saying I thought it was the best thing in the world or that it's what I would have done. Carthesis is the only one that can make the call. All we can do is offer him different view points, and try not to judge him or others posting on here.
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    May 15, 2008 10:45 PM GMT
    IT,

    I just know of too many young gay men that got kicked out of their homes and cut off from their families when they came out. Some that were/are incredibly intelligent, weren't able to get over the shock and had to live on the streets for a bit. The lucky ones can recover if they have a strong friend base or find places to help them cope appropriately.

    Hell, I ended up having to move out a place because the guy I was living with wasn't out to his folks and when his dad met me, he started asking my friend if he was gay. (I was flipping out about some popcorn I'd just burnt, and I guess my flame was high.) Out of fear for his inheritance, he asked me to move out. We've patched things up since, and I've moved on, but that wasn't a very fun time.

    Carthesis, do what you have to do. You'll know when you're ready to come out. Besides, you're in college, you're supposed to work hard.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 16, 2008 12:22 AM GMT
    I hear their takin guys for the Peace Corps

    My man... is all this worrying and lying to your parents worth it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2008 12:37 AM GMT
    IT,

    I really don't want to give anyone an excuse to stay in the closet a moment longer. However, practicality in this instance is more important than honesty.

    If your folks are supporting you through school and they are fine with your sexuality, then grand, you simply put off the inevitable for a few years.

    If your folks are supporting you through school and they would disown you if they ever discovered your sexuality, then get through school and then be honest. What is the point of being honest if it means you might not complete your college education or defer graduation for a few years because you are working to put yourself through school? Great, you wasted a few years of your life to be honest to a pair of dicks.

    It is always OK to siphon off resources from ass holes who are so heartless as to consider a gay son dead. Fuck them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    McGay saidThose are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.


    And we have had this discussion at least twice before on the board...

    Show me a way to post the image so that no one can pirate it again, and I am there.

    Since I am not looking for hookups - I will settle for discourse, and the wisdom of my words will have to suffice despite your argumentum ad hominem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2008 12:47 AM GMT


    ITJock saidAnd we have had this discussion at least twice before on the board...

    Show me a way to post the image so that no one can pirate it again, and I am there.

    Since I am not looking for hookups - I will settle for discourse, and the wisdom of my words will have to suffice despite your argumentum ad hominem.


    Just go into your photo editing program and watermark it by typing something to the effect of "Image only valid for ITJock on RealJock.com" across it and then adjusting the opacity of the text so you can still see the image through it.icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2008 1:01 AM GMT
    Thanks, RBY. That's quite brilliant.