before i came out i was one of the guys, but now everyone treats me differently.

  • trijiminal

    Posts: 39

    Sep 20, 2011 7:33 PM GMT
    I finally made the decision to come out over the summer. it was tough, but within a few weeks pretty much everyone in my school knew (i'm in a pretty small program). anyway, we recently went to a conference where we'd have to share rooms. when we got the room assignments, i discovered that i had been placed with a woman. the person doing all of our planning was my former roommate (who i can honestly say i've never had any sexual tension with). The rest of the guys on the trip are all guys that i have interacted with socially (gone to the bars, gone hiking together, running, etc) when they thought i was straight.
    i'm trying not to be offended by it, but i can't help but be a little ticked. i don't consider myself to be feminine, and i don't think i make straight guys uncomfortable (all of my friends are guys). i just didn't think it would be a big deal to anyone. i don't know...am i overreacting?
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Sep 20, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    Honey, it's time to get your high heels and dress out and hang with your sisters, get drunk and sing "it's raining men".
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    Sep 20, 2011 8:40 PM GMT
    Was it a inevitable outcome for a male and female to share, regardless of who, due to limited rooms and the number if guys/girls there? Or was there space to share with a guy yet you were allocated with a girl regardless?

    Speak to your friend/old roommate and ask him, nothing to serious, but just mention it and you should be able to tell by his reaction, I'd assume.

    Either way, If you un/wittingly act different because you are expecting that they will treat you different, that in itself may create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I hope things work out with you and your mates. Oh, and Kudos on coming out!





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    Sep 20, 2011 8:54 PM GMT
    Sorry to say, but if your friends treat you differently (worse) after your coming out to them, then they were never real friends.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Sep 20, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    If everyone needs to share rooms in order to keep expenses down, I'm sure the woman would prefer to have a gay roommate than a straight one. Maybe it was something that she was more comfortable doing?
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    Sep 20, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    I really don't know that this incident alone is proof that they are treating you differently. There are many reasons why this might have happened as others have pointed out.

    However, if they are treating you a little differently it may be because they need a little time to deal with their own insecurities.

    Just because you are comfortable with who you are at this point in your life, does not mean that everyone will feel the same way instantly. You need to give them time, and either they will drift out of your life because they were not really your friends or they will get closer and stop treating you differently.

    It took you a long time to come out, now give them some time to digest the news.

    Good luck!



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    Sep 20, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    Hm ... i would be so frustrated about it .. thats why i wont come out ... its useless .. u wont gain anything .. u will just get stupid headaches cuz of ppl icon_confused.gif
  • trijiminal

    Posts: 39

    Sep 20, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    At first, i thought it was because there was an odd number of guys. but, i found out that someone had dropped out and there was an opening in one of those rooms. when i mentioned it to the guy coordinating, i was brushed aside.

    also, when the guys all went out at night, i wasn't invited. i should mention that i was never incredibly close with these guys, but i have never been excluded like that before either.

    oh well, only 8 more months with these people, then i can start new.
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    Sep 20, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    Cairo_M saidHm ... i would be so frustrated about it .. thats why i wont come out ... its useless .. u wont gain anything .. u will just get stupid headaches cuz of ppl icon_confused.gif


    OR... you might find out you have really good friends who accept you for who you are and truly treat you no different than before. icon_rolleyes.gif But hey, I'm just speaking from my own experience.
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    Sep 20, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    Be yourself. You are who you are. Don't give anyone the power to make you feel belittled.

    What I would take from their behavior is that you've made them uncomfortable. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Anytime someone has to reassess their own beliefs and prejudices, it's probably a good thing.

    It might make you feel a bit like an outcast at the moment, but if these people aren't really friends (you said you weren't really close with them) I wouldn't sweat over it too much.

    There are people out there who will be a true friend and be happy to let you be who you are.
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    Sep 20, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    You actually went to the conference, knowing you'd been set aside?
    Sorry, but that was stupid on your part. You should have declined.
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    Sep 21, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    Shiiiiiiit. I'd rather room with a girl. Guys can be so fucking nasty, smelly, disgusting...just plain trashy and filthy. I had to room with a guy once who always smelled like salty chip b.o. It was disgusting.

    But now...if you walk in your room and shit smells like straight up tuna....I'd be pulling every trick I could to get into a different room.

    Goodluck with your next eight months - they're gonna be so much fun!!
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    Sep 21, 2011 1:25 AM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidShiiiiiiit. I'd rather room with a girl. Guys can be so fucking nasty, smelly, disgusting...just plain trashy and filthy.


    +1
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 21, 2011 1:31 AM GMT
    Hypnotico said
    ConfederateGhost saidShiiiiiiit. I'd rather room with a girl. Guys can be so fucking nasty, smelly, disgusting...just plain trashy and filthy.


    +1


    I agree... I remember in law school, my cousin and I rooming with some of the undergrads, one of them a football player. We caught him peeing in the bathtub once when he was drunk and he never gave a shit (literally) in the right place. It was pretty disgusting.

    Go on about your business, after awhile, nobody should care.
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    Sep 21, 2011 1:41 AM GMT
    Inostrankan saidSorry to say, but if your friends treat you differently (worse) after your coming out to them, then they were never real friends.


    Agreed.

    There are two things in life: the way we want the world to be, and the way the world is. Hold your head high and keep moving ahead.
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    Sep 21, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    collegekid12 said i don't consider myself to be feminine, and i don't think i make straight guys uncomfortable (all of my friends are guys). i just didn't think it would be a big deal to anyone. i don't know...am i overreacting?


    They're just asshole straight guys. It doesn't matter if you could pass as straight before you came out or if you were twirling fire battons lipsynching to Lady Gaga in nothing but a lavender sequinned thong. You like dick so you're just another fag to them now.

    All you lost were a bunch of scum who never really were your friends in the first place. Yeah it sucks, but you'll develop new friendships. Some of them probably with straight guys who won't give two shits about your orientation.
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    Sep 21, 2011 2:31 AM GMT
    There immature. Once they realize your the same guy you were a year ago they wont even look at you as gay...but as a friend.
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    Sep 21, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    It happens. When you come out, some guys are cool with it, and some aren't. Be prepared to delete a few guys out of your friends list when you come out. Just consider them not worthy of you. I had one special friend treat me like shit when I came out. He had been my best friend. One of the casualties of coming out, but so what..........he wasn't a true friend. He sure liked all the ski trips and vacations I provided for him though......during our college years (I had a better bank account) but what a jerk he was dropping the 'F-bomb' on me once he heard the news. Good riddance. I learned to make much better friends after that.
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    Sep 21, 2011 2:56 AM GMT
    Their rejection tells you the calibre of men you have been hanging with.

    However, creyente is right; it took you some time to come to terms with it yourself. Give them time as well. icon_wink.gif

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    Sep 21, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    Inostrankan saidSorry to say, but if your friends treat you differently (worse) after your coming out to them, then they were never real friends.


    Brutal honesty, but most likely true. QFT.