If you can't be with the one you love...love the one you're with

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2011 11:02 AM GMT
    (1) There's a guy I recently realized I had emotional feelings for. But I can't be with him. For one, he has a boyfriend who he's not compatible with, but won't leave. He and I were actually talking - and when I found out the full story - I told him that you shouldn't just be in a relationship just to hang on until something better comes along. He has a lot of growing up to do. But, to that effect, I've never had such a strong connection to someone. We've seen each other a few times and when he's around or even when he texts me, I get this feeling. I can't explain it, but I'm so into this guy and I'm definitely not sure why. It's reasons like this that I don't trust my heart...but there it is. And to note - we have NOT hooked up. I don't do that shit with someone that I know is taken...it's bad karma.

    (2) I'm seeing this guy right now. He's great and he adores me. I like him but he REALLY likes me. I tried to break it off because of my residual feelings for #1 (as dumb as that sounds, I just hate it when someone's way more into me than I am into them), but then I realized I like #2 too. But while there is chemistry, it's just not to the extent of #1. And to clarify - I'm not with #2...but we're also not just friends. It could probably get to relationship level, if I wanted that.

    So friends, I need your advice.

    If I can't be with the one I love, then do I try to love the one I'm with? Is that wrong?

    I'm just not sure what's the right thing to do.
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    Sep 22, 2011 11:26 AM GMT
    If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you... you know the rest icon_sad.gif Hard, but I believe if it was meant to be it will happen. Hard to remain friends with someone you have feelings for though. So until the universe works it's magic...

    For #2, if you're not into him and you don't have anything binding you together, family, house, etc. maybe alone is the answer?
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    Sep 22, 2011 11:35 AM GMT
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    Sep 22, 2011 12:10 PM GMT
    closer85 said I just hate it when someone's way more into me than I am into them
    I'm just not sure what's the right thing to do.


    Yes you know what's the right thing to do. Review what you said above.
    If #2 knew all the facts he would hate being way more into you too. Who wants to be a second-choice stand-in for Mr. Unavailable? Be honest and let him go.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 22, 2011 1:08 PM GMT
    Wow, this sounds like my situation completely.

    I think I like my guy #1 because I am the one that has been pursuing him, and although there was a great connection and chemistry, he is not exactly out to himself right now. He says he is straight but all signs point to either completely asexual, or gay. Anyway, it causes a lot of angst for both of us.

    My guy #2 is totally crazy about me, we have much in common, and he has about 7% bodyfat.... i.e. hot, lol. He treats me like a king, cooks me gourmet dinners and breakfasts, and he seems like a caring individual with his family and friends. But, if a guy is into me too much I really get overwhelmed and usually want to end it. It usually takes me awhile to start liking a guy, just immediately liking a guy seems irrational too me, and it causes me to worry.

    I'm dating guy #2 right now, and it's going pretty good. We have both been monogamous up to this point, but we don't have a commitment to be monogamous yet.....the commitment scares me as well. I wasn't sure he was my type at first....but....the more I get to know him....
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    Sep 22, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    We can't all have million dollar homes. We can't all drive Lamborghini's. I feel like we can't all be in perfect relationships, either. I would ask myself what was important to me in regards to having a relationship. Are you getting that? Why fix something that isn't broken?..

    Now.. On the cold side of the pillow.. If what you honestly want is a shot with lover boy, then his seeing you around this other guy you're practically dating isn't doing you any favors, most likely.
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    Sep 22, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    Man that's tough. I mean I guess the right thing to do would b to break up with guy #2. I mean if u have feelings for guy #1 then it will always seem like you settled on the other one.

    At the same time u can't do anything about guy 1 right now. So calling it off with guy 2 would just leave u..... Alone. Like me! Lol. Well I can't offer much advice since I have never been in a relationship yet, but I believe u should play this by ear. I mean maybe tomorrow guy 1 will b single and u can break off whatever u have with guy 2. But if u jump the gun u could lose either or both. Then again its not the end of the world to b single....


    Goodluck dude
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    Sep 22, 2011 2:07 PM GMT
    Dump #1 ASAP. You're torturing yourself by staying around him...worse yet, you're hoping he eventually comes to his senses. You're in a no control situation with high emotional investment. The worst!

    I felt the same way a long time ago about a guy. I thought we'd be perfect together. I mean total bliss perfection. I was waiting...hanging my hopes on every complaint he made about his boyfriend...or every smile or compliment or flirt me made toward me. I tortured myself for a year before fleeing. Afterward, I realized that the further away I got, the more I saw his faults...and how a relationship with him would have been a disaster. It's all perspective.

    Give #2 a shot. You're not into him that much now, because all your sexual emotional energies are tied up with #1. Once you free that up, you never know what may happen.

    Good luck...

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    Sep 22, 2011 2:20 PM GMT
    White4DarkerFL saidDump #1 ASAP. You're torturing yourself by staying around him...worse yet, you're hoping he eventually comes to his senses. You're in a no control situation with high emotional investment. The worst!

    I felt the same way a long time ago about a guy. I thought we'd be perfect together. I mean total bliss perfection. I was waiting...hanging my hopes on every complaint he made about his boyfriend...or every smile or compliment or flirt me made toward me. I tortured myself for a year before fleeing. Afterward, I realized that the further away I got, the more I saw his faults...and how a relationship with him would have been a disaster. It's all perspective.

    Give #2 a shot. You're not into him that much now, because all your sexual emotional energies are tied up with #1. Once you free that up, you never know what may happen.

    Good luck...



    Dang. icon_eek.gif
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    Sep 22, 2011 4:52 PM GMT
    closer85, I think #2 is in the same position with you, as you are with #1.

    If #2 came here posting what you posted about #1, what advice would you give him?

    warmly and kindly,

    -Doug
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    Sep 22, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    Thank you all for the advice.

    meninlove said closer85, I think #2 is in the same position with you, as you are with #1.

    If #2 came here posting what you posted about #1, what advice would you give him?

    warmly and kindly,

    -Doug


    All of the advice here was great but this made me think. Thanks Doug.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2011 10:51 PM GMT
    You're welcome. It's a little mental exercise in standing on the outside looking in I used to do long ago when single and found myself in similar situations. It still comes in handy in other situations. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2011 11:08 PM GMT
    You know, thats how it always goes, those you feel a strong connection with are unavailable or better yet, not interested in you that way. welcome to gay life.
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    Sep 22, 2011 11:48 PM GMT
    How much do you want a relationship versus how much do you want #1? If you want a relationship, if you wait on #1 to become available, how certain are you that he will want one with you, too? What are you willing to sacrifice for one or the other? Are you willing to pass up the bird in the hand (#2) for the two in the bush (#1)? All the specific advice in the posts above is based on individual perceptions...it's what the poster would do in your situation, but each poster is not you...only you can make the decision. Sorry.
  • wpc56

    Posts: 45

    Sep 24, 2011 5:47 AM GMT
    Break it off with #2 and stop wasting his time.

    You're not into him that much and if you "forced" yourself to settle (that's how you'll look at it)... both of you will eventually come to resent each other. You'll resent the fact you're settling and he'll resent you when you tell him or he figure out the truth.

    Be patience with #1... if he's interested in you, you'll be there.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Sep 24, 2011 6:04 AM GMT
    @closer85

    It's not settling; it's giving it some time. It's a magical moment when the guy you're with, but unsure of, gives you a look, or says, or does something that makes you fall completely in love. Twice I've had this wonderful experience, and once, tremendous regret for not giving time to a relationship.

    You are a young man, with plenty of time should things not work out. But from personal experience, I'll say that the things that make you truly fall in love are often deep beneath the surface and can take time to discover.
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    Sep 24, 2011 10:47 AM GMT
    funny how you want what you can't have, then you get it and look for the next thing you can't have.
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidfunny how you want what you can't have, then you get it and look for the next thing you can't have.


    i wonder about that. but the things i like about #1 are the same things i like about my best friend. and my best friend and i have been tight for the past eight years.

    i'm going to try to erase him from my mind - in that context at least.
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    closer85 said(1) There's a guy I recently realized I had emotional feelings for. But I can't be with him. For one, he has a boyfriend who he's not compatible with, but won't leave. He and I were actually talking - and when I found out the full story - I told him that you shouldn't just be in a relationship just to hang on until something better comes along. He has a lot of growing up to do. But, to that effect, I've never had such a strong connection to someone. We've seen each other a few times and when he's around or even when he texts me, I get this feeling. I can't explain it, but I'm so into this guy and I'm definitely not sure why. It's reasons like this that I don't trust my heart...but there it is. And to note - we have NOT hooked up. I don't do that shit with someone that I know is taken...it's bad karma.

    (2) I'm seeing this guy right now. He's great and he adores me. I like him but he REALLY likes me. I tried to break it off because of my residual feelings for #1 (as dumb as that sounds, I just hate it when someone's way more into me than I am into them), but then I realized I like #2 too. But while there is chemistry, it's just not to the extent of #1. And to clarify - I'm not with #2...but we're also not just friends. It could probably get to relationship level, if I wanted that.

    So friends, I need your advice.

    If I can't be with the one I love, then do I try to love the one I'm with? Is that wrong?

    I'm just not sure what's the right thing to do.


    The heart goes where it is wont to go and there's little you can do about it.

    If you are not into guy #2 be totally honest with him. You should not be using him as a stand in. Cut him loose. Give him the option to get on with his life.
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    Ask yourself these questions:

    1. If #1 is no longer taken, can you see a future together. I know it sounds very over-simplistic, but that's probably the most important thing.

    2. If there any realistic chance that he will break it off with his current BF. If no, then there's no real point to be fixed out those feelings.

    3. Feelings grow so if #2 is a more suitable right now, you might want to build your relationship with him. Who knows, he might become the love of your life icon_smile.gif

    Good luck bud =) let me know how it goes.
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    closer85 saidI'm just not sure what's the right thing to do.

    Your dilemma reminds me of the Leprechaun in the 1947 Broadway musical Finian's Rainbow. Often played slightly gay, the character nevertheless expresses a romantic interest in women. Here are a few excerpts of the lyrics he sings:

    ...When I'm not near the girl I love,
    I love the girl I'm near.
    Ev'ry femme that flutters by me
    Is a flame that must be fanned.
    When I can't fondle the hand I'm fond of,
    I fondle the hand at hand.

    ...When I'm not close to the kiss that I cling to,
    I cling to the kiss that's close
    As I'm more and more a mortal
    I am more and more a case.
    When I'm not facing the face that I fancy.
    I fancy the face I face.


    The Leprechaun character is becoming human (mortal) and finds himself acquiring the foibles of humans. Suggesting that what you're experiencing is neither new, nor unique to you, whether one is gay or straight, but a universal human condition.

    And to paraphrase an old saying, a bird in your bush is worth 2 in the bushes.
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    Sep 24, 2011 4:01 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidAsk yourself these questions:

    1. If #1 is no longer taken, can you see a future together. I know it sounds very over-simplistic, but that's probably the most important thing.

    2. If there any realistic chance that he will break it off with his current BF. If no, then there's no real point to be fixed out those feelings.

    3. Feelings grow so if #2 is a more suitable right now, you might want to build your relationship with him. Who knows, he might become the love of your life icon_smile.gif

    Good luck bud =) let me know how it goes.


    Thanks, love.

    1. Yes, I can see the two of us having a future together.

    2. Sure, there's a chance.

    3. That may happen, but I think #2 is kind of smitten with me. I'm waiting for that to wear off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 25, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    Well buddy I think that if you feel like you can get like really hard feelings for the second kiddo, I guess you should try it. But if you feel like the first one will always be more important then you should leave the second and be friends 'cause while the other is still more important you will never give everything of you for that relationship. I wish you luck. Hope it was kinda helpful (Btw sorry for my english, my main language is spanish)
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Sep 25, 2011 5:09 AM GMT
    Neither number 1 is taken. Number 2 sounds like ud be settling. There are plenty of men out there. Also, if u just sick around to wait for number 1 you're going to get hurt. If he's just hanging around for the next best thing, obviously you ain't it (to him). If he were to break up with his man and get with you then whose to say he wouldn't be looking for the next best thing again. Don't get caught up in the game!
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    Sep 25, 2011 5:54 AM GMT
    closer85 said(1) ...
    If I can't be with the one I love, then do I try to love the one I'm with? Is that wrong?


    So, on this planet where you're contacting us from, have all the other men died?