Coming Out Cold Feet

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2008 12:19 PM GMT
    I did it again. icon_sad.gif

    I had my target friend alone, but my mouth doesn't work. The conversation was about something totally different anyway and it would be really weird if I suddenly blurted out 'I'm gay!' wouldn't it? LOL

    *sigh*

    How do you get through that... first barrier? The first time you tell someone in real life? Did you steer the conversation or did you really set aside a time where you told them you're telling them something important?

    Is it better to be drunk or sober? I'm aiming for drunk since then I'd have an excuse to pour out my feelings. icon_confused.gif

    I have only one more chance since he's leaving at the end of the month for medical school and I really really want to tell him, so I can start working on my other friends too.

    Also, in your opinion, does wanting to mean ready to?
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    May 16, 2008 12:34 PM GMT
    I'll give you the same advice one of my best friends gave me about having kids: you're never 100%, absolutely, positively ready the first time until you just do it.

    Sometimes a natural opportunity will present itself, Sedative, but you could be waiting forever for that chance. And you're right...sometimes it seems like there's just no way to gracefully blurt "oh yeah, I'm gay"...so doing it awkwardly and ungracefully might be the only way. You already know how I came out to my best friends...and there wasn't a time it didn't raise my blood pressure at least a bit.

    So...if you really, really need to tell the guy (and it sounds like you think you do), just tell him you need to tell him something kinda big sometime. And I wouldn't do it drunk...or at least crazy wild drunk. You might slip up and overshare...it's one thing for him to learn you're gay, for instance, but another entirely to learn you're gay, a raging sado-masochistic butt slut, and you wanna have his babies. icon_wink.gif

    ANyway, that's my .03 cents. Good luck!
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    May 16, 2008 12:34 PM GMT
    when i first came out, i waited for opportune moments... and they always fell through. ALWAYS. so then i started ssteering the convo in the right direction. taking control of the conversation isn't the hard part, as usual, finishing it is. but on the other hand, the second person i told was right out of the blue in the parking lot of the fresh market. the conversation went

    "i have two things to tell you. 1) sam tried to cheat your boyfriend and a bunch of our friends at poker and 2) i'm gay..."


    as for readiness vs. wanting to tell...

    i think i wanted to tell people at school more than i was mentally ready. i say this only because when sober i'd be so nervous about it, but then at my grad formal i told a whole bunch of people... without knowing it. so for you, maybe have a couple drinks to loosen up, but avoid 3 bottles of wine and then some. if you're both drunk it might not go wuite as smoothly as you think.
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    May 16, 2008 12:40 PM GMT
    Thanks guys.

    No, I'm a pretty rational drunk. I just get woozy and a bit chatty but never really drop my barriers. Or else with the number of times I've been out drunk with my friends, I'd probably have betrayed the fact that I'm gay. LOL

    I'm curious though. Zdrew already shared his first coming out experiences, but how did all of you phrase it exactly? Any specific 'strategies'?

  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    May 16, 2008 1:43 PM GMT
    Sedative, Do not do it drunk. I don't care how sensible you are with drink on you, it's a bad idea. Have one drink if you like to steady the nerves, but no more.

    Don't just blurt it out. Tell him you have something important to tell him. Also maybe included "as you are my best friend I hope you will be cool with what I am going to tell you" Sometimes just saying something like that is enough. There maybe no need to say anymore as your friend may already know, and he may just tell you, he knows at that point.

    My brother in law was the only one that knew I was gay, without having to tell him. My sister was just about to tell him, and what ever words she used to start the conversation, she never had to say the word Gay, he just said "he is gay, isn't he?"

    He also has a good friend that is gay, and this friend was about to tell him one day. As soon as he started to tell him he made it easier for him by telling him he knew already.

    I don't know how close you are to your friend, but I would guess you two are quite close. He may very well know already. My guess is, he does. If you start the conversation, he may make it easier for you.

    I know what you are going through, and it is a torment, but once you tell him there will be a huge weigh off your shoulders.

    When I came out to my family, I hadn't the balls to tell them to their face, so I emailed them icon_redface.gif Remember I'm natural red faced icon_smile.gif I started by asking my sisters how they felt about gay people. They said they worked with gay people, and had friends that were gay. Then I told them.

    You could also start by asking him how he feels about gay people. Just another way to get the ball rolling.

    I hope this helps in some way icon_smile.gif

    Mike
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    May 16, 2008 1:54 PM GMT
    o I think "wanting to" is close enuf to "ready to" that for all practical purposes, they are the same. After all, there isn't any official course of study you need to complete for this, or any certification process required.

    o As everyone says, waiting for the "proper moment" is the same as waiting. There really isn't going to be a "proper moment." Even if he asks you if you're gay and you're drunk, you're going to panic, and think "geez, I don't think this is the proper moment." Basically as long as you're waiting for some random external event or situation, you'll panic and seize up. You have to take the initiative if you're going to do it. Be in control, versus being controlled.

    o As other people also said, saying you "have something you need to talk to them about" (I would NOT insert the word "important" in there myself), is pretty much the standard way to start it off.

    o As for how I did it -- my friends are scattered all over the globe, and I didn't want to drip it out friend by friend, so I wrote a witty letter (IMHO), made 25 copies, and FedExd it (for Saturday delivery, I might add). Then just sat back and waited. I have great friends, so the phone calls and emails I got over the next few days are some of my fondest memories.
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    May 16, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
    We were watching some cooking show and a lesbian couple came out to the group on the show. My roomate said:
    "man i don't know why they are so upset about them coming out. Those chicks deserve a high-five."

    Later that night I was in the living room and i asked him "You remember those lesbian chicks coming out on that show?"

    "yea"

    "Can i get a highfive? Im gay."
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    May 16, 2008 5:19 PM GMT
    i think i've written this one before. but i was driving my buddy home at 4something in the morning. he was bitching me out for not hooking up with this girl.

    somethign along the lines of...

    "so what if she wouldn't kiss ME on the third date... she's the one who's into YOU. not you into HER. so you should just suck it up, and stick it to her." and on and on and on. sounds offensive, but it's quite hilarious whe his voice cracks and he gets all angry about stuff. "so why don't you just fucking do it already? she's hot, she's french, she...." "because i'm gay"

    5 second pause

    "well THAT's no excu... wait, really?"

    and then he hugged me and we almost went off the road thanks to black ice/snow.

  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    May 16, 2008 6:45 PM GMT
    Good advice here. It can be daunting, but sometimes you just have to dive in. My best friend was as hard or harder to tell than my parents. I told some of my other friends first as practice. It's sort of like David Archeleta on American Idol -- he always looks scared spitless when he's facing the judges for their reactions and then surprised when he gets positive feedback.

    You will feel better after you do it, especially if you've chosen well and come out to someone whose supportive. I didn't have a single friend reject me. One friendship sort of lessened over time, but that might have happened anyway.

    It's a cliche, but if they really are your friend then they'll accept you regardless of who you are. They just need to know you're the same person you always were.

    Good luck!
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    May 16, 2008 6:52 PM GMT
    I say wait until you have him in bed and then tell him.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 16, 2008 7:53 PM GMT
    caslon saidI say wait until you have him in bed and then tell him.

    Quite unlikely that he wouldn't have guessed after being in bed with him, lolz! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
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    May 16, 2008 8:00 PM GMT
    It seems that you're aching to get it over with. What's going to happen is you're going to wind up doing just what you don't seem to want to do which is blurt it out unexpectedly. If you really need to get this over with, make an appointment specifically for it. When I was inching my way out, I did that once and followed it immediately by throwing up. Nerves, man, nerves. All from needing to say it and fighting it at the same time.
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    May 16, 2008 8:03 PM GMT
    Just say it, chicken.
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    May 17, 2008 7:49 AM GMT
    MikePhil
    I don't know how close you are to your friend, but I would guess you two are quite close. He may very well know already. My guess is, he does. If you start the conversation, he may make it easier for you.


    Well... he still talks girls with me. icon_confused.gif Like all my other friends he's under the delusion that I have some mystery maiden secreted away somewhere. LOL

    MikePhilI don't know how close you are to your friend, but I would guess you two are quite close. He may very well know already. My guess is, he does. If you start the conversation, he may make it easier for you.


    IguanaSFAs everyone says, waiting for the "proper moment" is the same as waiting. There really isn't going to be a "proper moment."


    EricLAIt can be daunting, but sometimes you just have to dive in.


    McGayIf you really need to get this over with, make an appointment specifically for it.


    Thanks heaps, guys.

    jms84 and carthesis, man, I'm hoping for a situation like that. icon_redface.gif But yeah, like everybody else said, waiting for a 'right' moment might just take forever. icon_neutral.gif

    caslon, YUCK! LOL. It'd be like incest.

    muchmorethanmusclePerhaps it's not your time. When you're ready you'll be able.


    Nah. I think it is, I feel it is. I want it to be. LOL I have enough common sense to know it's not time for my parents yet, but my bestfriend... man, if I keep putting it off, when I eventually tell him, he'd cut me off for not talking to him for 'deceiving' him for so long. Heh. Lies pile upon lies y'know. And like all straight guys, almost half of what he talks to me about are girls. icon_rolleyes.gif Bleh

    So okay. Thanks again. I think I'll take him aside when I next see him and REALLY talk to him. If I fail again, please kill me. LOL

    *smacks muttskips and redheadguy*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    Seditive, Im usualy making snarky remarks and jokes, so Ill be serious. If you realy are ready, It will feal right, some times even though you want to tell them, the right time does not come around for a while. dont rush things. AND make sure the person your telling is cool with you being gay. or is a supported...I dont want to see you get shit beaten over things liek this.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 17, 2008 7:53 AM GMT
    Sedative said... muttskips...

    IT'S MUTTSKINS!!! WHY ARE PEOPLE CALLING ME MUTTSKIPS?!!! LOL! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
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    May 17, 2008 7:55 AM GMT
    muttskins said[quote][cite]Sedative said[/cite]... muttskips...

    IT'S MUTTSKINS!!! WHY ARE PEOPLE CALLING ME MUTTSKIPS?!!! LOL! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif[/quote]


    Why are you even calling your self mudskins, is that a recial remark? or what.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 17, 2008 7:58 AM GMT
    Dammit, now it's become MUDskins? Hehe! I was called muttskins by a friend at school, no one knows wtf it means, but everyone has adapted to calling me like that! Does that answer your question? icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
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    May 17, 2008 8:00 AM GMT
    Thanks Lenne. Mudkips sound like a really gross pancake! icon_lol.gif
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    May 17, 2008 8:02 AM GMT
    (dreaming) Mmmm pancakes... (shakes head) STOP TWISTING MY NICKNAME! LOL! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2008 5:03 PM GMT
    Sed, you know I'd fly back to Manila anytime and do it for you.
    Ass for muttskins... reads like muttskids ...in reverse it's skidmutts ...looks like skidmarks! Smells like it, too!
  • Thirdbeach

    Posts: 1364

    May 17, 2008 5:33 PM GMT
    muttskins said(dreaming)STOP TWISTING MY NICKNAME! LOL! icon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gificon_wink.gif


    At least they are not calling you "Nutskins"
    icon_razz.gif
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    May 17, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    Zim, leave foreskins alone or I'll send you to your room.
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    May 17, 2008 6:16 PM GMT
    Thirdbeach saidAt least they are not calling you "Nutskins"icon_razz.gif

    NUTSKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    ACE! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
    NUTSKINS, PICK A COLOR. AN HONEST ONE!!!
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    "NUTSKINS: ask your pharmacist about it."
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    May 17, 2008 6:27 PM GMT
    zimatar said[quote][cite]Thirdbeach said[/cite]At least they are not calling you "Nutskins"icon_razz.gif

    NUTSKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    ACE! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
    NUTSKINS, PICK A COLOR. AN HONEST ONE!!!
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    "NUTSKINS: ask your pharmacist about it."
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif[/quote]


    Thats it....................GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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