Biological Parents and Adopted Kids

  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Sep 23, 2011 10:31 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    I really need some advice from someone who has been through something similar to me and since my friends and Family dont seem to be very helpful I thought to try my luck here.

    To the background Information. Right after Birth I was given away by my Birthmom to Adopting Services. It was requested by my Parents that there should be no way for me to contact them and so I lived a happy life with a loving Family. I found out with 16 by simply asking my Mom if I was adopted. I dont even know how I got the idea. I decided back then that I dont want anything to do with those People.

    Now I am 25 and suddenly I have my Biological Family searching me. First it was just the Adoption center that handled my case that contacted my mother, but now I am suddenly being kicked in the Butt for using my real name on Facebook. I got a Email from my Aunt 2 Days ago and I seriously dont know how to react. She apparently didnt even know about me until recently.

    I have Brothers and Sisters and I was being hidden and given away. That should tell me everything I should know, but still I cant leave this unanswered even if I dont want contact with them.

    Any Advice other than "Just ignore her" would be helpful.

    At least I can drop a Bombshell on them too by telling them I am gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2011 10:41 AM GMT
    I would be really curious to see what they are like. I know you don't want anything to do with them, however, it may be nice to meet your brothers/sisters. They were innocent bystanders in all of this, so you may forge some sort of friendship or bond with them.

    Giving up a child is the hardest thing a mother can do, and she probably felt that your parents could take better care of you, then she could have.

    I'd maybe set up some sort of meeting with them, but set some ground rules, like just because we talk once does not mean we are all going to be bffs. You may just speak once and never again....

    It also could be helpful to know your family health history?

  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Sep 23, 2011 11:40 AM GMT
    jprichva saidIf you want to know them, respond. If you are content not to know them, realize that you are under NO obligations to them at all. And if your adoptive family is uneasy about this, and you don't care one way or the other, then don't open the can of worms.

    As to the "knowing your birth parent's health history" goes, that's overrated. Even if everyone in your biological family developed cancer (for example) it proves nothing about whether or not you will. This excuse is often used by people who (for whatever reason) don't want to own up to their curiosity, so they claim it's for "health information reasons only". Yeah, right. That's what they tell Adopted Mom when she tells them that she feels bad that apparently her love for them just wasn't enough somehow.


    Just to say, my Parents are not uneasy about it. They are having a hard time giving me advice on this, but they are giving their best. One of the reasons why I dont want to know my real Family.

    I dont see the point in getting to know them, when I have my real Family. Family is not Biological, its the People that love me and always have my back and those People that gave me away 25 Years ago surely dont fall under that category, no matter how you see it.

    Though you are right, I feel the obligation to talk to them. I dont know what to do.
  • leftysj

    Posts: 7

    Sep 23, 2011 12:32 PM GMT
    As an adoptee, I have been curious from time to time, but also have no illusions that I would actually like any of my birth family. My birth parents were unmarried, and my adoption closed. Given the state of the law at my adoption, we can only find each other if we're ALL looking for each other. I have never bothered to register, as like you, I don't feel the need.

    If you would rather be left alone, just tell them. Maybe you could write a letter expressing you feelings. From what you've written, it doesn't seem like you harbor any ill will toward them. The point, though, is that they are strangers to you, and you are content with your current social affiliations.

    You can certainly tell them that you are well and happy (which at least some of them would probably like to know), but that you would prefer they stop trying to contact you. After that, they're just harrassing you.
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    Sep 23, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    As you said,

    "I dont see the point in getting to know them, when I have my real Family. Family is not Biological, its the People that love me and always have my back and those People that gave me away 25 Years ago surely dont fall under that category, no matter how you see it." And I agree with you 100%. So why continue any correspondence? Just tell them you wish to be left alone.

    As for the biological family medical history, you should be able to get that little information from the adoptive agency.

    You said you used your real name on facebook. Your real name is the name your adoptive family gave you. If you opened a facebook acct with your birth name, I can only guess you WANTED to be contacted. If you did use your birth name, I would suggest deleting the acct and making one with your real name, if you must have one.

    Why would you want to "drop a Bombshell on them too by telling them I am gay." It sounds like you want to hurt them in some way. I do not see how this could help anybody.

    Best wishes.
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Sep 23, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan saidAs you said,

    "I dont see the point in getting to know them, when I have my real Family. Family is not Biological, its the People that love me and always have my back and those People that gave me away 25 Years ago surely dont fall under that category, no matter how you see it." And I agree with you 100%. So why continue any correspondence? Just tell them you wish to be left alone.

    As for the biological family medical history, you should be able to get that little information from the adoptive agency.

    You said you used your real name on facebook. Your real name is the name your adoptive family gave you. If you opened a facebook acct with your birth name, I can only guess you WANTED to be contacted. If you did use your birth name, I would suggest deleting the acct and making one with your real name, if you must have one.

    Why would you want to "drop a Bombshell on them too by telling them I am gay." It sounds like you want to hurt them in some way. I do not see how this could help anybody.

    Best wishes.


    My Mother didnt change my First name and my new Family Name was given to them. It didnt take that much to find out my Name. The rules in Austria are not the same as in the US. I am surprised too, but apparently they certainly can change their minds and find out at what Family I ended up.

    I want to drop a Bombshell on them because I have been hurting with the decision to make ever since they thought "Oh, maybe I should contact the Kid I never wanted". To top it off, they have the nerv to write all happy and "Here we are". Thats not right!
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Sep 23, 2011 2:43 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    maximumrisk saidI want to drop a Bombshell on them because I have been hurting with the decision to make ever since they thought "Oh, maybe I should contact the Kid I never wanted". To top it off, they have the nerv to write all happy and "Here we are". Thats not right!

    Darf ich vorschlagen, dass Sie mit Ihrer Wut umgehen, bevor Sie sie kontaktieren?


    I am angry because they brought me in this situation in the first place. Am I not even entitled to let them know what they are doing to me? I was happy how things were.
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Sep 23, 2011 2:53 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    maximumrisk said
    jprichva said
    maximumrisk saidI want to drop a Bombshell on them because I have been hurting with the decision to make ever since they thought "Oh, maybe I should contact the Kid I never wanted". To top it off, they have the nerv to write all happy and "Here we are". Thats not right!

    Darf ich vorschlagen, dass Sie mit Ihrer Wut umgehen, bevor Sie sie kontaktieren?


    I am angry because they brought me in this situation in the first place. Am I not even entitled to let them know what they are doing to me? I was happy how things were.

    I didn't say you weren't entitled to be angry. Just that you should calm down before you make contact, if you plan to make contact.


    Oh, sorry. I wrote about 30 responses and tossed them all because they sounded to angry. I think I am about to complete a response that I will be able to send, but I am at the ending and somehow I cant finish the letter without translating my pain to them. Pain and hate go hand in hand so this is really making me crazy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 23, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    I agree with leftysj completely.

    Also as a fellow adoptee (from Colombia) I can't say I've ever been curious to find my birth parents. To me, I would be depressed because I would know going in that they are definitely in worse circumstances financially and do not have easy lives. I would not want to feel obligated to help out or keep in touch since they really are strangers to me. As you said yourself, family is not biological. If the issue persists, like leftysj said,
    leftysjyou can certainly tell them that you are well and happy (which at least some of them would probably like to know), but that you would prefer they stop trying to contact you. After that, they're just harrassing you.
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    Sep 23, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    I suggest you go with what your heart tells you to do! You are right family doesn't have to be blood related. You should set up a public meeting place like a resturant and talk to them and just take it one step at a time if you decide to contact them. Also by doing this you can determine if you want to stay in contact or decide if you are better off not wanting to have anything to do with them. It will be a painful but it will give you some closer on that part of your life. By not doing anything you will have a hard time moving on. You might have regrets if you found out something bad happened to them and you never closed that part of your book in your life. Again just follow your heart and do what is best for you to make you feel happy.
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    Sep 23, 2011 4:46 PM GMT
    maximumrisk said

    I dont see the point in getting to know them, when I have my real Family.


    If you don't want to do it, then don't. You don't owe them anything.

    However, I can happily report that my adopted brother is on good terms with some people in his biological family, and so am I and my parents -- we are actually pretty close to his birth grandmother and birth sister. So it is not always bad.
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    Sep 23, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    i found my birth family at 43yrs old, i only found out i was adopted at 40... since they have contacted you, you should meet her.. it will sooth your soul, and put to rest any unanswered questions that you dont really know you have. basically you are driving this one. Keep your cards and feelings close, at least until you gain a comfort level. even if you dont, that way there is nothing for them to come back to you with. approach it as a fact finding mission, gather thr facts, digest them... it may take a while to digest, but thats ok....
    adoption has fucked up so many lives... and im sure it has made so many lives that much better. you really shouldnt avoid it, cause it will come back.
    Good luck to you. Cheers..
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Sep 23, 2011 11:53 PM GMT
    Okay, I screwed it up. I sent the message I was writing before and the answer is far from happy.

    I tried to be as diplomatic as I could, but still she took it as a hateful attack since none of this was her doing.

    Now I wrote a hopefully friendlier response, problem is I cant just leave the rest aside. Everything I write feels angry to me no matter how much I try.

    I decided by now that I am going to write my Aunt for a bit, she seems to have almost nothing to do with her half-sister and promised me she wont tell her about these messages. But unless I hear a good reason as to why it took them 25 Years to search for me I am sure as hell dont want to write my mother.

    I hope thats the right approach and thanks for all the advice you guys.