He wants kids. I don't.

  • tgrissom0312

    Posts: 91

    Sep 23, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    So i've only been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Its not very serious yet but we have been having some long-term conversations. One of those happened to be about kids. He was so ecstatic about the idea of having a son. I'm not at all into the idea of raising a child.

    He's about to start dental school and wants to be in practice at least 1 year before the kid comes, So, if we make a go of it, that would give us 5-6 years of US time before a kid would come into the picture.

    Here's the question. If you never wanted kids, could your husband's excitement about raising a child make you want to raise one with him?
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    Sep 23, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    Yes.

    I never wanted children. Found them to be obnoxious, loud, smelly time and money sinks for most of my life. When my last boyfriend when on about how much he wanted children, I had the same reaction you're struggling with now: what about us? How much time does that give me just have you to myself? You're 30: does that mean you want kids immediately? Do I have to want kids now to be with you?

    I basically just ignored the kid question for a long time and enjoyed being with him. Eventually, I fell in love with the guy, wanted to be with him and only him, and imagined growing old with him. Because of that, his love of children rubbed off on me and I wanted to be there to raise his children with him.

    So yes: it can rub off on you.
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    Sep 24, 2011 12:06 AM GMT
    tgrissom0312 saidSo i've only been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Its not very serious yet but we have been having some long-term conversations. One of those happened to be about kids. He was so ecstatic about the idea of having a son. I'm not at all into the idea of raising a child.

    He's about to start dental school and wants to be in practice at least 1 year before the kid comes, So, if we make a go of it, that would give us 5-6 years of US time before a kid would come into the picture.

    Here's the question. If you never wanted kids, could your husband's excitement about raising a child make you want to raise one with him?


    Kids? You've been dating a few weeks!

    You have to decide if you can stand all of the little things he does that bug you ..... as well as make sure he isnt a total psycho...before you decide to have kids!

    If you don't want a child, don't let someone pressure you into anything.... you'll end up being a father who isn't there for his kids because he never wanted them in the first place. Let it be a decision that YOU want for YOURSELF.... He should also realize that maybe he doesn't have to have kid(s) to be happy.... isnt compromise a two way street?
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    Sep 24, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    tgrissom0312 saidSo i've only been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Its not very serious yet but we have been having some long-term conversations. One of those happened to be about kids. He was so ecstatic about the idea of having a son. I'm not at all into the idea of raising a child.

    He's about to start dental school and wants to be in practice at least 1 year before the kid comes, So, if we make a go of it, that would give us 5-6 years of US time before a kid would come into the picture.

    Here's the question. If you never wanted kids, could your husband's excitement about raising a child make you want to raise one with him?


    people changes, love change who we are. When you're truly love someone, you will love the good and the bad about them.

    I'm sure the moment you hold that baby in your hand, as well as see how happy your (future husband) is, you will not regret having that baby with him.
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    Sep 24, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    You're a bit of a planner, no?

    I dunno....you might could get matching tattoos, take an around-the-world trip, buy a house together, or start a business based on your b/f's enthusiasm, but having a kid....Hmmmmm.

    Guess you could always rely on Craigslist if things didn't work out.
    Remember, kids have no cash value, but it's probably legal to give them away.icon_neutral.gif
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    Sep 24, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    I had this come up during early when dating someone. Some guys are really gung-ho about it. They've wanted children ever since they were young, so for them its a long-term life goal. As I've gotten older this has become of deal-breaker early on in relationships.

    I ended up ending a relationship due in part to this fact. It may seem a little premature, but I think that if its a big enough factor for the person to voice it early, then it matters a lot to them. I don't regret it. We're both better off finding men who's long-term goals are closer to being in line with one another.
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    Sep 24, 2011 1:41 AM GMT
    My buddy and his fiance stayed together along time because they both were on the same page about not wanting kids. Not all people have the drive to be parents. They were fine with being "DINK's" and she wasn't maternal at all. He had a great career and didn't want to be held down. They got married, lived the life, had a great marriage. And this past fall, their beautiful daughter had her first birthday. The thing about life and love is that if you do it right and together, you don't get to figure out the ending. You just experience the ride and you evolve.
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    Sep 24, 2011 2:38 AM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidYes.

    I never wanted children. Found them to be obnoxious, loud, smelly time and money sinks for most of my life. When my last boyfriend when on about how much he wanted children, I had the same reaction you're struggling with now: what about us? How much time does that give me just have you to myself? You're 30: does that mean you want kids immediately? Do I have to want kids now to be with you?

    I basically just ignored the kid question for a long time and enjoyed being with him. Eventually, I fell in love with the guy, wanted to be with him and only him, and imagined growing old with him. Because of that, his love of children rubbed off on me and I wanted to be there to raise his children with him.

    So yes: it can rub off on you.



    youre cute icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 24, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    “I like children. If they're properly cooked.”
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    Sep 24, 2011 2:47 AM GMT
    No.

    No no no no no no no no.


    NO.
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    Sep 24, 2011 2:56 AM GMT
    I think the great thing about being gay is we don't have to worry about "accidentally" having a child. Make sure it is something you really want before you commit to having a kid. Once you have kids you have to live your life for them and not for you anymore. They always come first.
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    Sep 24, 2011 2:57 AM GMT
    I would ... if i really ready to raise him with someone i realllly love icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidNo.

    No no no no no no no no.


    NO.


    Now here is someone I could agree with icon_smile.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 24, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    Depends, if you have thought about it and decided you flat out don't want kids, then you should break it off now. If you're open to the idea but not sure, let him know how you feel.
  • tgrissom0312

    Posts: 91

    Sep 24, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    just want to point out that I'm not making plans to marry this guy tomorrow and have kids.

    This was really just a question about a person's ability to change feelings about wanting kids/not wanting kids.

    I mean, come on, we're not lesbians! ;-)
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:33 AM GMT
    Do what you feel is best for you icon_smile.gif
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Sep 24, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    Matty_WIP saidI had this come up during early when dating someone. Some guys are really gung-ho about it. They've wanted children ever since they were young, so for them its a long-term life goal. As I've gotten older this has become of deal-breaker early on in relationships.

    I ended up ending a relationship due in part to this fact. It may seem a little premature, but I think that if its a big enough factor for the person to voice it early, then it matters a lot to them. I don't regret it. We're both better off finding men who's long-term goals are closer to being in line with one another.


    I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this topic deserves to be discussed early on. I really want to have kids. At least 3. 5 would be great. But if I fell in love with someone and never raised the issue of having kids, I think I would have wasted a lot of valuable time and energy knowing that he doesn't want to children.

    To some it may seem like overthinking a relationship, but if you are planning to go all the way with someone, it's important to know the answer to some of these questions within the first few dates.

    Now to find a man who wants at least 3 kids... icon_sad.gif
  • havingfunmtl9...

    Posts: 258

    Sep 24, 2011 3:43 AM GMT
    My last bf and I broke up, primarily, over this very issue. I do not have any current plans for children and he wants them. I, being 22/23 was not comfortable promising that I would want children the by 27, given that I would only be completing my PhD at that time ! I wanted to live a little before having children and having that kind of responsiblity... if at all! He on the other hand, wanted children by 27 (he was a year older) and was not willing to waver on it. For him, it was a make or break - and so we broke. I think it depends on how much you want to be with that person, how much that person is willing to compromise to be with you, and if you want kids or not ! Do not let someone bully you into wanting something you simply do not, especially a child.
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:51 AM GMT
    Yeah but the real question is more to have kid you need to find the good person for that I mean you can decide to have kid and your relation is no serious at all it will affect the kid so before all of that you have to find someone serious that the first thing before anyting, ya that's the life
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    Sep 24, 2011 3:54 AM GMT
    Hey creature, "But if I fell in love with someone and never raised the issue of having kids, I think I would have wasted a lot of valuable time and energy knowing that he doesn't want to children."

    ..and that should be brought up if not by the desirer of kids, by the one that doesn't want kids as soon as they start thinking about it, in the early days of a relationship, whoever thinks about it first, so to speak (which is fine, I hold no one at fault, even remotely, for not wanting kids.) Kids are a big emotional commitment. You should really and truly want them, I think; it's bigger than marriage, eh? icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
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    Sep 24, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    It's virtually impossible to know how you are going to feel about the subject in the future. My only advise would be to spend a little time thinking about it. If you can't picture yourself ever wanting kids, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. If you think maybe you could change your mind, then maybe the relationship is still worth pursuing. Either way, be honest with him.....and yourself.

    I would love to have kids one day. I've always wanted kids for as long as I can remember. It's a tricky subject to bring. It's also not easy to have kids (adopt) as a gay couple, depending on what the rules are in your area.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Sep 24, 2011 4:07 AM GMT
    meninlove said Hey creature, "But if I fell in love with someone and never raised the issue of having kids, I think I would have wasted a lot of valuable time and energy knowing that he doesn't want to children."

    ..and that should be brought up if not by the desirer of kids, by the one that doesn't want kids as soon as they start thinking about it, in the early days of a relationship, whoever thinks about it first, so to speak (which is fine, I hold no one at fault, even remotely, for not wanting kids.) Kids are a big emotional commitment. You should really and truly want them, I think; it's bigger than marriage, eh? icon_wink.gif


    -Doug


    I agree. It isn't fair to anyone, especially the kids if one of the parents is put off by having to raise them. I'm even considering raising kids on my own if I cannot find a husband.
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    Sep 24, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    Whatever your answers are to life's big questions, well those answers are personal and not always up for debate with other people.

    What does matter is whether you have spent some time thinking about the big questions, and if you've arrived at some ideas. Afterall, how can you expect to build a life with someone if you don't even know where you want your own life to go?

    So I think it's entirely appropriate to talk with someone about kids early on in dating. Now however you feel that might work out in the relationship...you can only answer that for yourself icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 24, 2011 4:23 AM GMT
    To sxydrkhair,

    So do we, but were not in what we'd consider enough financial shape until the last few years and being in our 50s, decided not to. However, I write for children, and hear from a lot of them because of it.

    I think they tell me things they haven't told their parents.

    There was a little (neighbourhood-friend's) girl that wondered what it would be like to hit dog-poo with a brush. O.o
    So, thinking cleverly, she remembered, ran upstairs and got Mom's brush off her dresser...

    ...I called her Mom right away Then I sat down and laughed helplessly for several minutes.

    -Doug
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    Sep 24, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    Always wanted to adopt orphans... I would never consider a relationship with someone who didnt want them