Shallowness-Can you change? Is it preventing happiness?

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Sep 24, 2011 1:45 AM GMT
    So, to some extent, I will admit that I am shallow. At least some people would call me that, even though I think I'm not THAT bad.

    I have stepped out of my comfort zone and dated men that I wouldn't normally go for. The dates were horrible and I felt uncomfortable. They were not bad people, there was just no attraction at all.

    I don't think I am a gorgeous hunk model at all but I do think I am good looking and am looking for the same. I know beauty is very subjective, but if you just aren't attracted to someone is that the way it is? Can you change and look past looks completely, or at least for the most part? I am starting to feel like my standards are way to high and my eyes go for guys that I feel are probably out of my league in looks. At the same time, I definitely don't wanna settle.
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    Sep 24, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    As far as your concern is concerned, attraction is not a debt, attraction is and must be spontaneous and mutual, it's not something you can fabricate. Would you like to be with someone who has to make a huge effort to find you attractive (assuming it is even possible to fabricate attraction like this)? Most likely not: you want to be with someone who finds you attractive the way you are now (whether it came from mother nature, your effort, plastic surgery, chemicals, etc). It's shallow to call physical attraction shallow. I would never call anyone shallow for rejecting me because of my looks. Attraction is not a debt.

    Beauty is subjective, but the decisions people make based on these subjective impressions is objective and measurable: the ones who attract more are called attractive. Attractiveness is an objective concept. I think you look pretty, but I cannot say how attractive you are: this is something you have to assess.

    The unequal and badly distributed perceptions of what is beautiful creates a pecking order in which the most attractive at the top enjoy more choosing power. Pay attention to what defines the pecking order where you live. Pecking order has no regard for your self-esteem or individuality: you are not at the top just because you love yourself. You have to see what is sought-after and what is not. Where are you in this ladder? Where are the ones you want in this ladder? Is there a distance? In function of this distance, act: will you change yourself to attract them? Or will you stay the way you are and hope things will change? How much are you willing to change to attract them? Will it take too long? Will it sacrifice your identity? What will you do in the meanwhile? Will you live in the future? These are questions you will have to answer to yourself. These are personal decisions you will have to make based on your experience and values.