Question regarding dating/commitment - is it just me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 4:14 PM GMT
    Hey guys - so this is my first time starting a topic, but here it goes. In the past couple of years, I've been trying out dating here and there since leaving home and feeling more comfortable about my sexuality and what not. That's not the issue though. Where I seem to be having the issues is in the commitment department. It seems like after a certain point early on into the relationship every guy hits their "experation limit." No matter how interested/excited I may be from the beginning, I can't help but lose the interest and become rather bored with the guy. It's not because I've met someone else or became interested in someone else - I've only dated a handful of guys. Rather, it's more like I feel like something isn't right, and no matter how much I may try to force it, I always end up shutting down emotionally which always ends the relationship.

    It seems to me like this could be potentially a big problem if I'm not capable of sustaining a lasting relationship, but then again maybe it's just because I haven't found the right guy. I feel like I'm behind my hetero peers in the dating department b/c I didn't date growing up in high school or even my freshman year of college due to dealing with my sexuality, blah blah blah. What I'm curious to know is if this is just a part of dating 101 (very common to occur) or if I should be trying more on my part to keep the interest alive. The guys I dated have all (or mostly) been great and fun dudes to be with, but the appeal sadly just seems to die after a little while. And it's always me who ends up breaking off the relationship (which I always HATE doing)

    I hope this isn't the symptom to commitment issues, because I really do wanna find lasting romance at some point in my life!
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Sep 25, 2011 4:16 PM GMT
    bballfan1108 said I really do wanna find lasting romance at some point in my life!


    Do you want to find it right now? Give it some time. Can you honestly see yourself finding someone today and spending the next 60-70 years with him? icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    malefeet said
    bballfan1108 said I really do wanna find lasting romance at some point in my life!


    Do you want to find it right now? Give it some time. Can you honestly see yourself finding someone today and spending the next 60-70 years with him? icon_confused.gif



    No, I'm not necessarily saying that. I'd like to start off with a long lasting relationship though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 5:07 PM GMT
    I believe it depends a lot on your age !
    And you probably just didn't meet the right person yet, that's it ! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 7:33 PM GMT
    Men, regardless of orientation, are not conditioned/wired for commitment. Men only seek to have sex with as many people as possible and will go so far as to fake a relationship with someone solely for some sort of personal gain be it have someone to clean and cook for them, keep them as a sexual object, or support them financially.

    All that said, you are completely normal in the respect you lose interest in people quickly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 7:37 PM GMT
    BlondOverBlue saidMen, regardless of orientation, are not conditioned/wired for commitment. Men only seek to have sex with as many people as possible and will go so far as to fake a relationship with someone solely for some sort of personal gain be it have someone to clean and cook for them, keep them as a sexual object, or support them financially.

    All that said, you are completely normal in the respect you lose interest in people quickly.

    Jeeezz...haha

    OP, simply wait, someone will come along that'll turn your world upside down. Just be ready!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 7:46 PM GMT
    Closeyoureyes said
    BlondOverBlue saidMen, regardless of orientation, are not conditioned/wired for commitment. Men only seek to have sex with as many people as possible and will go so far as to fake a relationship with someone solely for some sort of personal gain be it have someone to clean and cook for them, keep them as a sexual object, or support them financially.

    All that said, you are completely normal in the respect you lose interest in people quickly.

    Jeeezz...haha

    OP, simply wait, someone will come along that'll turn your world upside down. Just be ready!


    Wow I think I found him!icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 8:03 PM GMT
    In some respects, your straight friends have been doing this since they were 13, whereas you've only been at it for 2-3 years since coming out. All that HS shit of going steady & breaking up every 2 weeks is practice that you didn't get back then. Which is not to excuse or explain your situation, just an idea.

    If you can find a Gay men's group nearby, you would benefit a lot from getting direct feedback from your peers with a professional mediator [unlike us on on RJ]. But IMHO you're acting naturally and have nothing to worry about. If/when you meet the RIGHT guy, you'll know it -- hopefully so will he.

    Play safe!
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Sep 25, 2011 8:12 PM GMT
    This isn't about the "right guy" its about you. I'm sure those guys were fine. Maybe you should look do some research about why you shut down emotionally. That feeling of something not being right may be fear. How are you when you're alone? Do you feel connected to your feelings and yourself or do you tend to feel numb?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    Be patient with yourself. Perhaps you're not ready for a serious, long-term commitment? That's ok. Doesn't mean you shouldn't date. Doesn't mean you close down or go slutty. Just live your life, interact with men who interest you, and let what comes happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 8:22 PM GMT
    It may be that on some level, you weren't challenged enough. The guys may have been fine, but if you aren't compatible on three fronts (emotionally, intellectually, and physically) it may not be enough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    Lust is a biochemical phenomenon that is triggered when meeting and "courting" someone new and exciting, probably left over from evolution to make couples get together to mate. Those hormones inevitably wear off . I think the trick is to get to know and get to like the person before you lose your lust for that person, so you can build on that. Otherwise you just go from lust to lust, chasing those hormone highs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    xKorix saidThis isn't about the "right guy" its about you. I'm sure those guys were fine.


    Thread winner. The "right guy" thing is a cop out.

    If you're the common denominator in what you feel are too many failed relationships, then yes the problem is you.

    Or I should say the problem is "us." Because after years of dating I'm convinced that there is an inextricable connection between the gene that causes same-sex attraction and the gene that causes flakiness. Gay men have a hard time sustaining interest, with few exceptions.

    It may also be that straight men have their flakiness tempered by their female partners, who won't tolerate it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    xKorix saidThis isn't about the "right guy" its about you. I'm sure those guys were fine.


    Thread winner. The "right guy" thing is a cop out.

    If you're the common denominator in what you feel are too many failed relationships, then yes the problem is you.

    Or I should say the problem is "us." Because after years of dating I'm convinced that there is an inextricable connection between the gene that causes same-sex attraction and the gene that causes flakiness. Gay men have a hard time sustaining interest, with few exceptions.

    It may also be that straight men have their flakiness tempered by their female partners, who won't tolerate it.


    I really like your perspective on things, Troy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 26, 2011 12:37 AM GMT
    I agree with TroyAthlete that the problem is you.
    I don't necessarily think it's a 'gay gene' issue, though.

    Let's look at what you shared. You lose interest in the guys you're dating. It could be that the guys you're initially attracted to aren't the kinds of guys that you're into.
    It could be that you're afraid to settle with a guy when there's a shiny new guy just around the corner. Are you trying to find the next best thing?
    It could be you subconsciously sabotaging your potential relationships. If you're afraid of getting hurt, it's much easier to pick apart why this relationship won't work out. You can break it off before you have to be emotionally vulnerable.

    /armchair analysis

    It could just be that you were more excited about the idea of dating, than the actual dates.
    It's up to you to look more closely at what has been going on in your dating life and to learn from this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 26, 2011 3:24 AM GMT


    I feel that the reasons why you felt those relationships didn't feel right are where your answers are.


    Old coot,

    -Doug
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Sep 26, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    bballfan1108 saidHey guys - so this is my first time starting a topic, but here it goes. In the past couple of years, I've been trying out dating here and there since leaving home and feeling more comfortable about my sexuality and what not. That's not the issue though. Where I seem to be having the issues is in the commitment department. It seems like after a certain point early on into the relationship every guy hits their "experation limit." No matter how interested/excited I may be from the beginning, I can't help but lose the interest and become rather bored with the guy. It's not because I've met someone else or became interested in someone else - I've only dated a handful of guys. Rather, it's more like I feel like something isn't right, and no matter how much I may try to force it, I always end up shutting down emotionally which always ends the relationship.

    It seems to me like this could be potentially a big problem if I'm not capable of sustaining a lasting relationship, but then again maybe it's just because I haven't found the right guy. I feel like I'm behind my hetero peers in the dating department b/c I didn't date growing up in high school or even my freshman year of college due to dealing with my sexuality, blah blah blah. What I'm curious to know is if this is just a part of dating 101 (very common to occur) or if I should be trying more on my part to keep the interest alive. The guys I dated have all (or mostly) been great and fun dudes to be with, but the appeal sadly just seems to die after a little while. And it's always me who ends up breaking off the relationship (which I always HATE doing)

    I hope this isn't the symptom to commitment issues, because I really do wanna find lasting romance at some point in my life!


    I only have one sentence for you:

    "Learning to love yourself is the beginning of a beautiful life-long romance"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 27, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    You've got some good answers there but I figured I might add my own.

    From what you wrote, I think you are just conflicted. Half of you wants a long lasting relationship but the other half is not ready. Your want for a long lasting relationship might just be due to peer pressure?

    In my opinion, it's probably best to just date but don't lead the guys on thinking that this could be a long term thing because right now, you know you are prone to lose interest quickly.

    Take it one day at a time and one day you might find yourself with the same guy several years later... though I think you may need to have many more dating experience before you find yourself ready for the right guy.