Why do dads have such a hard time with their sons being gay?

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    Sep 26, 2011 1:01 PM GMT
    versus a dad with a gay daughter or a mother with either a gay son or daughter. It seems to be especially hard for dads to come to terms with having a gay son. I know my dad cried for days and still gets all sad and depressed everytime the "dreaded" topic comes up... why is like that with dads?
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    Because he is a homophobe.

    kthxbai
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    The only reaction my dad has had was to tell me "I love you no matter what" then never bring it up. Still, I can tell it bothers him more than he will let on.

    Partially I think fathers blame themselves if their son is gay. As if taking us to more baseball games or spending more time building birdhouses and bonding would have made us more interested in women. I know my own dad imagines he could have or should have had more time for me. The truth is, though, that my parents are both very loving and very supporting and were great parents when I grew up. My sexuality has nothing to do with how much my father tossed a ball with me.

    But there is, I think, still that feeling in fathers that they somehow failed to pass something down to their sons.
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidBut there is, I think, still that feeling in fathers that they somehow failed to pass something down to their sons.


    They feel it reflects badly on them; that they are less of a man as they produced a poof.
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:21 PM GMT
    i think a lot of dads hope their sons will follow in their footsteps and are disappointed when they find out their children are actually their own person with often significantly different views.

    It's not just sexuality thats the issue.
  • DCEric

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    Sep 26, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    For both me, and my partner, it was our mothers that took it hard. We both knew before hand that it would be them that would have more trouble. As to why, in both cases it was personality. My mother worries like no other, and his mother is religious (Hindu) and is convinced that it is due to something she did in a past life.
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:25 PM GMT
    It has to do with masculinity. For a father to truly be okay with his son being gay, he has to be able to see sexual orientation and masculinity separately. In other words, the father has to not see being gay as a reflection of how masculine someone is. It's a ridiculous, but common connection that people make. In our culture, fathers are under pressure to raise their sons to be "real men". There's also an underlying comprehension of the fact that men have to deal with these pressures themselves - of being "real" men - and fathers know that their gay sons will have to deal with this issue even more.
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:26 PM GMT
    It depends on culture and personality. Both my parents are atheist/agnostic and intellectuals. My mom had a much harder time because she had a tendency to worry a lot. She thought I would get aides, and she blamed herself. My dad's reaction was "I've never worried about him, I'm not going to start now".
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:27 PM GMT
    My dad was better with it than my mom was. She cried for weeks and kept denying it. She said I liked guy things to much to be gay. I told her she watches too much tv.
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:29 PM GMT
    I think that some Dads wrongly think themselves somehow responsible for their son's orientation.

    One of the oldest and most hackneyed theories about being a gay man is an emotionally distant father. With that in mind I can see why some Dads feel as badly as they do.

    -Doug
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:29 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR gave a lot of good reasons for this.

    Additionally, males will carry on the family name. It is assumed that a gay son will not have any offspring which is a disappointment.

    Society has also convinced many that men are supposed to be the strong, dominant force in a relationship. Gays are viewed as effeminate and passive. No father wants to visualize his son under another man.

    However, heterosexual men will give a pass to lesbians because it fits into their fantasy of women being passive and fulfilling their desires. It is assumed that lesbians would not mind having sex with a man and a woman at the same time.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Sep 26, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    whateveryo saidi think a lot of dads hope their sons will follow in their footsteps and are disappointed when they find out their children are actually their own person with often significantly different views.

    It's not just sexuality thats the issue.


    Quoted for truth
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 26, 2011 1:33 PM GMT
    Certainly agree with much of what has been said above..... in addition, many men have the "macho" thing going..... be a man, grow up a man, suck it up, get a woman......... be a man!

    And for many "gay" doesn't fit in with their language!
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:36 PM GMT
    Because parents (fathers especially) want to live vicariously through their kids, be the football star, get all the girls blah blah blah. However no straight father wants to live vicariously through their gay sons life.
  • Diceroll

    Posts: 224

    Sep 26, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    Even though I don't know what it's like to have kids, I can imagine that fathers often have an idea of how they want their sons to turn out when they grow up (they probably do the same with their daughters as well, but it's easier to imagine their sons in the future as they're men!).

    I can imagine that this ideal picture of their son is a straight guy with a good job and a family. So I guess the father will be dissapointed if his son is gay because he knows that he won't live up to that expectation. My dad never talks about me being gay though, so this is all speculation icon_question.gif
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:50 PM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidversus a dad with a gay daughter or a mother with either a gay son or daughter. It seems to be especially hard for dads to come to terms with having a gay son. I know my dad cried for days and still gets all sad and depressed everytime the "dreaded" topic comes up... why is like that with dads?
    It's because he's gay/bi but closeted, and is afraid that his son's coming out is going to somehow out him as well.
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    Sep 26, 2011 1:57 PM GMT
    I think it has to do with evolutionary psychology. Their gene pool ends if their kids r gay. I really can't fault this and understand it. That's why I hope my dad is cool with it. From an evolutionary standpoint its understandable and may take time for dads to come to term with this. All male animals live to pass on their seed to as many females as possible. Although humans like to think we are more civilized.... We can't escape our animal roots.
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    bostonxfit saidIt has to do with masculinity. For a father to truly be okay with his son being gay, he has to be able to see sexual orientation and masculinity separately. In other words, the father has to not see being gay as a reflection of how masculine someone is. It's a ridiculous, but common connection that people make. In our culture, fathers are under pressure to raise their sons to be "real men". There's also an underlying comprehension of the fact that men have to deal with these pressures themselves - of being "real" men - and fathers know that their gay sons will have to deal with this issue even more.


    ^^ This.
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    I think if there were lesbians on this site they'd have a lot to say about this...
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:10 PM GMT
    SFYogi saidI think if there were lesbians on this site they'd have a lot to say about this...


    Meh, they get angry over everything. They would have a lot to say if the topic were about matching you socks to your belt.
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:14 PM GMT
    creyente said...males will carry on the family name. It is assumed that a gay son will not have any offspring which is a disappointment.


    So true...icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    I think u guys r missing the point. It goes beyond family name to the subconscious fact that it lowers the chances of their genes being passed on.
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    creyente saidNo father wants to visualize his son under another man.


    I don't mean to be twisted, but in some weird cases, the key word there is "another". The father doesn't mind visualizing his son under a man [namely, himself as the father] but he does mind thinking of him under another man.

    Taboo much, anyone? icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    wolverinecub86 saidI think u guys r missing the point. It goes beyond family name to the subconscious fact that it lowers the chances of their genes being passed on.


    Same thing, really. The "name" is simply a revelation of the genetic family heritage. It's a label for the whole package.
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    Sep 26, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    It seems that many Dads feel that it reflects back on them as a failure. Why is that? Because they are often from a generation where men were MEN; and being gay is automatically feminine. (and I dont mean fem like 'hissing queen') Just "of the feminine".

    One of the best things I learned when coming out to my parents was: It took you 21 years to come out, come to terms with your sexuality... you can't expect your parents to do the same in a matter of days. They need to have their own "coming out process". He'll come around... he loves you.