restricted from family

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 17, 2008 10:01 PM GMT
    i have two sisters. one is a traditional catholic and her and her other side of the family have kind of restricted themselves to a more rural area just outside of phoenix. of course she has 10 kids (19 to 1 yrs) and they're home schooled to keep them away from the evils of the world.

    i don't visit because they're so far away and i've got school and work a lot. the only times i see her and the nieces and nephews is when they come over (which is always a quick in and out) well this summer it looks like i have some time not having an internship and school out.

    well, i told my mother maybe i could teach them some math since i'm an engineer and math is my right hand (and i actually read through my old math books and do problems for interest). what better way then to help them in my own little way?

    well, my mom tells me that since she told my sister that i was gay they (her husband, my sister, or both) don't want the kids around me at all. this is something i didn't know about, but wasn't surprised when she told me. i came out 2 years ago so she could have told her anytime between then and recently.

    he is the father and she is the mother of their children and ultimately have a say about who their kids can be around, but i'm fucking family. so, i'll probably never see them till they move out (hoping that they see through this everything is evil crap).

    anybody else have a situation like this? my other sister is nearby and has no problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 17, 2008 10:16 PM GMT
    Wow! I'm so sorry you are going through stuff like that. I don't have a personal story to match that but maybe you can use the one sister as a bridge to make the other sister eventually come around so that you can all be together as a family? In the grand scheme of things your gayness is going to be such a nothing issue. Hopefully she will wake up an allow her kids the opportunity to be in the presence of an incredible loving uncle. sending ya positive thoughts icon_smile.gif

    Hey wanted to add something. In the meantime while your one sister is dealing with all of this be sure and establish your availability to her and her kids. Even if you can't be in their presence right now. Don't forget a single birthday or Christmas. After a period of time I think both with the help of the other sister and you showing that you refuse to completely go away, she and her husband will probably come around. Patience is the key.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 17, 2008 11:20 PM GMT
    I am in a similar boat, albeit not exactly the same as your situation. I come from a family that is 'strictly Catholic' as is convenient. For instance, my mother is still not talking to my eldest brother because he bought a house with his fiancé where they moved in together 6 months prior tot eh wedding. My mother never liked the girl living together before marriage is a SIN, lol, so she just cut them off with a sharpness that stunned me and my other siblings. Needless to say, I am not open to my family and will not be until my youngest brother is out of the house. Thank fully he turns 18 this year!

    Since you have already been shunned, you may try sending emails with links to educational gay related content to open their eyes. Also, with that many kids, at least two are gay, maybe you’ll spot them and they will identify with you early on. One way or another your family will get an education I think. I feel for you bud, keep us posted.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    May 17, 2008 11:24 PM GMT
    Oh that's terrible, I'm so sorry your sister doesn't value family enough to love you for you. I didn't experience the same when I came out to my family, so I really don't have any good advice to share except to say - stay who you are, don't change for anybody!
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    May 17, 2008 11:25 PM GMT
    Sorry to here that wushu. Jsttennis, has some good advice there. Don't forget their birthdays or Christmas, and they won't forget about you.

    If your sister does not see the light, her kids probably will at some point.

    I really hope you get to have a relationship with them. Don't give up icon_smile.gif


    Mike
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 17, 2008 11:38 PM GMT
    just seeing who has something similar. i'm not losing sleep over it, and don't expect them to change. those kids are sheltered from everything. chances are at least 1 of the kids will be gay. hopefully that one will be able to get through it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    I guess the best you can do is an example of how being gay and a good person.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 12:33 AM GMT
    wushu... That has got to be one of the most disgusting stories that I've heard in a while. And it is their loss. However, that doesn't change your pain, and I'm sorry for that.

    It will be a very rude awakening for the parents of these kids when they don't turn out exactlly like these two closed-minded parents plan.

    My only advice is to try not to let their actions change that kind of man that you are trying to be. Maybe you can teach them what unconditional love is through your actions. Instead of the hate that they are teaching their kids.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 12:35 AM GMT
    There will always be people who are completely closed minded. I think it would be a sad situation if it occured within a family.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 12:44 AM GMT
    When my uncle came out in 83, my mom stopped letting us spend the night at my granny's house. She was convinced he would try to molest us, or it would rub off, as I'm sure she already suspected I was gay after I'd complained about a lack of men's beauty pageants with guys in swimsuits.

    When he was diagnosed with HIV in 89, my other uncle wouldn't let his kids around the sick uncle. We actually had family votes as to whether or not to attend Christmas at my granny's if he was there with his soon to die partner and future bfs up until his death.

    For the most part, no one ever mentions him now or in the years since his passing in 92.

    So it's not uncommon for families to completely ostracize the gay members.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    May 18, 2008 12:49 AM GMT
    Reading this just made me sick. My heart aches for you, man. It's so unfair. I knew these two twins guys in Los Angeles -- both model beautiful -- from a very religious family. They were both gay, and came out to their parents at the same time. Admittedly, finding out one of your sons is gay is probably hard enough, but finding out both twins was even harder. Regardless, the mother said to them that they were sinners, probably going to hell, and that they were worse than child molesters. Can you imagine??? Two of the most beautiful sons a mother could ask for, and this is what they get from this supposedly God fearing woman. I don't believe in that kind of God...not at all. I just hope your family will come around, but even if they do the pain they caused is probably never going to completely heal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 1:15 AM GMT
    Very sorry to hear you're being treated this way - but I agree with everyone here before me - just do the right thing - rise up above this sort of behavior, be the great guy that you are - a shining example of a great, well educated gay man - and hopefully some day they will see all the good things about you, and want to be in your presence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 1:44 AM GMT


    I was very sorry to hear about your situation.

    I do know how much it hurts to be shunned by your family.

    I am in a very similar situation in that neither of my sisters (both conservative evangelical christianists) want me near their families. The only times we have really spoken in the last 16+ years is for them to tell me "they will pray for me as I burn in hell for eternity".

    I have only recently reconciled (very tentatively) with my father in the past 2 or 3 years.

    Two things you can do … If you seriously decide that you want to make the first move at reconciliation.

    You don’t state if your nearby sister has kids; if so – be the best brother, brother in law, and uncle you can be. Let your sister know how much it hurts you to be estranged from your other sister and their family. Ask for her support and assistance in restoring relations with your other sister and your in-laws. Ask her to soft pedal the issue with them by pointing how that you are still the same great person you always were; and how great you are with her kids.

    Make sure that you treat all the nieces and nephews in the exact same way. No favoritism. No discrimination because their parents are jerks.

    If they are very religious Catholics, be aware that the Phoenix diocese is one of the most conservative in the country. Very hard line. If they take their cues from their church, it may be a very long and difficult battle.

    Good Luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 2:00 AM GMT
    Man I am sorry to read of this happening to you. Take heart though about the nephews and neices getting out from under the shortsited wings of their parents protectionism. I don't have a story background of being ostresized from family for coming out, but I am from a family who sent us to parochial schools to protect us from "THE WORLD OF EVIL", and I can tell you that most of us who were raised going to that private school are no longer "BELIEVERS". Most kids that are raized like this go through a rebellion against it in an effort to find where they want to be in relation to the world around them. If you somehow make it known that your door is open for contact and friendship, I'll bet they will love to get acquainted with you. So don't give up by any means.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 2:20 AM GMT
    I feel sorry for people who are raised by parents like this one.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8UPXGun5zI
  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    May 18, 2008 2:52 AM GMT
    stoned247 saidI feel sorry for people who are raised by parents like this one.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8UPXGun5zI


    Bitch is CRAZY! I think she's the one that's evil and dark-sided! she sounds possessed!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 5:55 AM GMT
    I can't see how you're so resigned to this. I would be mad as hell.

    This basically stems from a distorted perception that gays are predators and child molesters. Does she allow heterosexual relatives around the kids? Statistically, they're the ones she needs to worry about.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 6:15 AM GMT
    Well life is a Bitch sometimes but 10 less Christmas Presents to buy! I would not lose sleep over it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 18, 2008 7:15 PM GMT
    I'd be angry, but understand that its due to the ignorance of your sister and here husband. They are taking action that is detrimental to their kids..who knows what you could share with them to help enrich their (the kids) lives.

    Whatever you do, don't let those feelings of inferiority or negativism (about yourself) creep in.
    Its about your sister and perhaps as time passes they will change their mind and loosen up.. be available for that, but go on and live your life to the fullest and be happy with who you are. Maybe someday they will realize their mistake.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 18, 2008 7:31 PM GMT
    What you do is live your life and enjoy it as best you can
    Do not let those evil intentions...and that's what they are...all wrapped up in a little Hallejuia Jesus ribbon
    get to you

    Send them cards at every holiday
    send the kids presents birthdays and Christmas
    and let your sister send them back and act like she's the most loving sister in the world icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 7:46 PM GMT
    That is some really good advice from Real Jock members!
    Nothing more to add - they said it all, be true to yourself and enjoy the person you are. Keep in contact as much as possible, so they know you are around. (If you drop out of the picture the kids may assume, (with the parents backing) that you don't care - which is not the case).
    Be patient and hopefully in time things will work out for you!
    Mark
    (I think this calls for a group hug!)
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    May 18, 2008 7:57 PM GMT
    stoned247 saidI feel sorry for people who are raised by parents like this one.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8UPXGun5zI




    HA! She took the money anyway! They get paid $50,000!? Wow! I didn't realize they got that much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 18, 2008 8:05 PM GMT
    Remember, you can't choose your family, but you CAN choose your friends. There are probably plenty of people in your life who would benefit from, and welcome your help. Take that positive energy you have and keep sharing it with them! You can offer to be there for your family, but if they don't accept it, it's their loss. But don't let that affect you, just keep being the way you are, and hope that they grow by seeing your positive example.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    May 18, 2008 10:43 PM GMT
    TurkishDelight saidWell life is a Bitch sometimes but 10 less Christmas Presents to buy! I would not lose sleep over it.



    Geeeeeeeeez, what an attitude. I would lose sleep if my sister told me I couldn't see my Nieces and Nephews. I love them to bits. It would kill me.