Open relationship issue

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 7:15 AM GMT
    Hello guys I am new here and hope to make a few of many friends icon_razz.gif

    I would like to ask you for some advice on a matter.

    My boyfriend remains friends with his ex who is Gareth. My boyfriend has a sexual history with Gareth, my bf asked me if i would mind if he can stay with us for a weekend. I said yes.

    This is my dilemma. When my boyfriend went to work Gareth was talking to me. Then he tells me that he is on a sex site to meet with other guys, now I know this man has a boyfriend. A while back maybe two years ago I have asked my boyfriend before if Gareth is in a mono relationship or an open one. My boyfriend told me no Gareth is loyal to James who is his boyfriend. So i thought this Gareth was been unfaithful to his boyfriend. I spoke to my boyfriend when he was home and he told me that Gareth and James are into an open relationship and they have sex with other people. Men and woman.

    I asked my boyfriend how does he know that the are in an open relationship and he told me that Gareth told him years ago. So the problem is this, My boyfriend lied to me when I asked him if his Ex (Gareth) was in an open relationship. He told me no, then when I hear from Gareths own mouth he confirms he is, then my bf tells me Gareth told him before.

    The fact my bf lied to me when I asked him is his ex into an open relationship as he did know and it is hurting and i am battling with the trust. What do you suggest?





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    I would think as long as Gareth and your boyfriend aren't having sex, then it woudnt matter. Is it really any of your business that this other couple likes to invite other people into their bed?

    As far as your boyfriend lying.. It's possible he didn't mean anything by it. He might have just been mistaken at the time. Unless you really have a reason to be worried about your boyfriend cheating, it sounds to me like you're just being insecure because his ex is around.. News flash.. Thats not attractive. Stop it. The ex is an ex for a reason. Have a little trust in your relationship. That, alone, can make an enormous difference.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Sep 30, 2011 1:49 PM GMT
    KentuckyTuss saidI would think as long as Gareth and your boyfriend aren't having sex, then it woudnt matter. Is it really any of your business that this other couple likes to invite other people into their bed?

    As far as your boyfriend lying.. It's possible he didn't mean anything by it. He might have just been mistaken at the time. Unless you really have a reason to be worried about your boyfriend cheating, it sounds to me like you're just being insecure because his ex is around.. News flash.. Thats not attractive. Stop it. The ex is an ex for a reason. Have a little trust in your relationship. That, alone, can make an enormous difference.


    This. You can be committed to someone and still have sex with others. Some can divide sex from intimacy, and others can't. *shrug*
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Sep 30, 2011 4:24 PM GMT
    The fact that when you asked your boyfriend if his ex was in a open relationship and he told you no and then later tells you yes when you see his ex involved with other people speaks volumes.

    Firstly your boyfriend should not have lied to you, he broke the trust you have in him. By him lying it has hurt you because now you are very insecure. From reading your post i see that your morals are very good. You against cheating.

    Look at it this way

    Your boyfriends Ex - Gareth is into an open relationship

    Your boyfriend is NOT

    Neither are you from what I can read.

    The problem I see here is that there has been dishonesty from your boyfriend and one of two things are happening.

    1) Either he is fucking his ex that is why he gets him to come stay
    2) Either he just decided not to disclose this info to you regarding how his ex relationship is.

    It is very important to have trust, I honestly know how you feel because this is something very similar that happened to me.

    Take Care

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    Unless you know that your boyfriend knew FOR SURE what Gareth was up to at the time he assured you, "no, he's not in an open relationship," then you can't assume he lied to you.

    And if he did know -if he "lied" to you- perhaps you should just ask him, without negativity or aggressiveness, "Hey, why did you say he wasn't in an open relationship when you knew he was?"

    It's a very simple question. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Have you never, never, ever hid any kind of information from your boyfriend?!

    If he's your boyfriend, you should feel comfortable asking this very simple question.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 4:48 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like you're looking for drama where non exists. Why do you care what kind of relationship the guy has? MYOB, and don't start drama. You could put your relationship into jeopardy because of stupid shit.

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    Sep 30, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    my concerns for you are:

    You got an answer from your bf two years ago. it sounds lie he was lying/misinformed back then.

    however, do you think Gareth's situation could of changed? you just didnt get the memo.

    Is the fact that the dude is on a sex site in your home a tad tactless as a guest?

    that would be disconcerting.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    BrainyBrainy saidUnless you know that your boyfriend knew FOR SURE what Gareth was up to at the time he assured you, "no, he's not in an open relationship," then you can't assume he lied to you.

    And if he did know -if he "lied" to you- perhaps you should just ask him, without negativity or aggressiveness, "Hey, why did you say he wasn't in an open relationship when you knew he was?"

    It's a very simple question. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Have you never, never, ever hid any kind of information from your boyfriend?!

    If he's your boyfriend, you should feel comfortable asking this very simple question.


    Yes he did know for sure because at that time we have been talking about it, he then told me that Gareth was not into open relationships. That he was faithful to his bf, but then only when i told my bf that Gareth meets other men on sex sites then my bf told me that he is indeed in open relationship. The problem is this, he knew and he lied when I asked him, i do not care what type of relationship Gareth is in, but i do care that my bf tells me the truth.

    now my bf says he did not say Gareth was in an open relationship. Now he is lying again, he did say those exact words. Now he denies it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 5:11 PM GMT
    cfgrunt saidmy concerns for you are:

    You got an answer from your bf two years ago. it sounds lie he was lying/misinformed back then.

    however, do you think Gareth's situation could of changed? you just didnt get the memo.

    Is the fact that the dude is on a sex site in your home a tad tactless as a guest?

    that would be disconcerting.





    According to my bf Andy his ex has been in this open relationship for a long time, but this is what he said to me now my bf is defending him and changing his words, he says he never said it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 30, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    donovan1979 saidThe fact that when you asked your boyfriend if his ex was in a open relationship and he told you no and then later tells you yes when you see his ex involved with other people speaks volumes.

    Firstly your boyfriend should not have lied to you, he broke the trust you have in him. By him lying it has hurt you because now you are very insecure. From reading your post i see that your morals are very good. You against cheating.

    Look at it this way

    Your boyfriends Ex - Gareth is into an open relationship

    Your boyfriend is NOT

    Neither are you from what I can read.

    The problem I see here is that there has been dishonesty from your boyfriend and one of two things are happening.

    1) Either he is fucking his ex that is why he gets him to come stay
    2) Either he just decided not to disclose this info to you regarding how his ex relationship is.

    It is very important to have trust, I honestly know how you feel because this is something very similar that happened to me.

    Take Care



    What happened to you?
  • twilight2010

    Posts: 307

    Sep 30, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    My boyfriend had a picture of his ex next to his bed and I told him i did not like that, he must remove it, then he agreed, i spoke to him and he said he had removed it, when i went to his house I saw it was still there. I told him I am not going to live like that with him. He removed it.

    Then this same person lives overseas. He comes to visit my boyfriend once and a while. They still remain friends.

    Just last week his ex came to stay with us and I said it would be fine, when I was alone with his Ex his ex asked me if i was into having sex with other men, I was shocked and said no, I am faithful to my boyfriend. Regardless this man has multiple sex partners, He sleeps with other people. Goes to bars and fucks anything that walks.

    My bf also lied(intentionally or unintentionally i do not know) to me regarding the sexual relationship of his ex, he told me that he is not into multiple partners then i find out he is. I had this out with my bf and It resulted in a big fight, he wanted to leave me. (listen I love my boyfriend and will do anything for him) I want him to have friends and i want put my trust in him. I was a bit of an asshole to him and maybe jumped to conclusions and I did apologize to him.

    I feel very sorry you have to go through this, it is extremely painful and I know it cuz i have felt it.

    But the issue here is TRUST and if you say your bf lied to you how do you trust him and if this other man is on sex sites it is not your business, but your bf must not lie to you about his ex, this is a recipe for disaster.