Why don't more guys value close friendships?

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    Oct 01, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    I have an extremely close friendship with my best buddy. I’ve known him for less than five years but we’ve been best friends almost since the moment we met. When we’re together we’re inseparable and completely devoted to each other; just being in the same room together absolutely lights us both up. I feel closer to him than to anyone I’ve ever dated in my life. Unfortunately he’s straight and married with children, and lives 2500 miles away (he moved a few months after we met). But we keep in close contact and at least once a year I go visit him for a week. It also doesn’t suck that he lives in Maui.

    I realize our friendship is rare and special, and I feel lucky to have him. But I’d also like to have that with someone else – maybe someone closer to home, who’s single and attracted to guys. For us it helped that we have similar personalities and share the same interests. But the real reason we became so close so quickly is because that’s the kind of friendship we each wanted to have.

    Most guys I know, gay and straight, don’t have that with anyone and don’t seem to want to. They’ll bend over backwards to make a new friend but as soon as he’s hooked they’ll spend all their energy keeping him at arm’s length. I’ve known many guys over the years that I could have had this kind of friendship with but they didn’t want one, with anybody. It seems that most guys don’t want to let anyone get too close – even when they’re sleeping together.

    Are guys afraid of close friendships? Are straight guys too homophobic, and gay guys too insecure, to admit they like somebody? Are both straight guys and gay guys too selfish? Or do they just place no value on having a true, devoted friend?

  • sbwlguy

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    Oct 01, 2011 12:07 AM GMT
    From an evolutionary point of view you could potentially argue that it might be due to competitiveness.
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    Oct 01, 2011 12:10 AM GMT
    Well, my buddy and I are extremely competetive athletically, but we're like twin brothers the rest of the time.

    I think that's what athletic competition is supposed to be for.
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    Oct 01, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    Not at all afraid of close friendships. I've been close friends with another gay guy 30+ years when we were both teenagers as well as two other guys almost as long. I don't see the two of them that often since they're out west and I moved back east but whenever we do meet up everything is as it was, easy and comfortable like we just saw each other the previous day. You're lucky in life if you actually have a one let alone two friends like that.. Everyone else is more like just "friends for the time or merely aquaintances" that can come and go"
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    Oct 01, 2011 1:08 AM GMT
    This is a great question, unfortunately I have no answer. But I agree with your observation though.
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    Oct 01, 2011 1:11 AM GMT
    Perhaps your sample size wasn't big enough when you scientifically polled EVERY gay guy across the globe as to why he does or does not value close friendships?

    It's just a hunch...
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Oct 01, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    Because I only want hot friends
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    Oct 01, 2011 1:35 AM GMT
    ohioguy12 saidBecause I only want hot friends


    You can be my hot friend.
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    Oct 01, 2011 1:45 AM GMT
    Inostrankan saidPerhaps your sample size wasn't big enough when you scientifically polled EVERY gay guy across the globe as to why he does or does not value close friendships?

    It's just a hunch...


    Uh, I'm afraid I can't help with your reading and comprehension problem. But I can probably guess why you don't have close friends.
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Oct 01, 2011 1:53 AM GMT
    I agree. I've had a couple of gay close friends over the year and they all seem to wander off when they "marry."

    My current best (former) friend did that and now he's just a flake. I can't depend on him for anything and all he seems to want to talk about is where he goes/what he wears and who he fucks. Honestly its exhausting just a be around especially since he's 35+.

    Honestly I'd probably rather meet a great straight friend who we could wingman for. I went to college far away and most of my frat bros were like that. Now the only one that lives near me is one of the gay one's!
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    Oct 01, 2011 1:54 AM GMT
    I can totally relate with what you say Athaleet! I value my male friendsahips. My closest friendship is also many miles away. It makes things challenging but it is well worth it. Bet there many more who value close male friendships.
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    Oct 01, 2011 2:00 AM GMT
    I value all of my male friends, be they gay or straight, and the close friendships I have with them. When I spend time with my gay friends, I almost always give them a hello and goodbye hug and kiss, even in public places. Even my closest straight male friends will want to know if I'm dating someone and when they'll get to meet that man so they can check him out and see if he measures up. What I especially love about my closest straight male friends is the fact that they will go with me to the bookstore and not be ashamed or embarrassed when I go look at the gay magazines; when I recently did this, my best 'bro' walked up to the checkout counter with me and my copies of Out and Bear! How many ordinary straight guys would normally do this with their gay best friend?!

    Close male friendships are nothing to be ashamed of; only in this country are they considered 'gay' or 'queer' because so many men are afraid to express their feelings for one another, even though those feelings are purely non-sexual.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Oct 01, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    Dude....society teaches men at an early age that closeness with the same sex is somehow unnatural ...Gay friendships....sometimes a gay friends see ya as a temptation to their boyfriend...If the boyfriend eyes ya or flirts...your friend usually gets pissed at you instead of blaming the asshole boyfriend....I guess I'm lucky...I too have str8 guy friends...they ask about my relationships...even my sex life...there like brothers...True str8 guys are comfortable with their sexuality...and aren't afraid of gays...If a gay guy hits on them...they'd be cool and say..."Sorry I'm not into that"...period...BUD
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    Oct 01, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    Mybud, you make good points but I'm not sure that society teaches us not to have close male friendships. It seems like TV and the movies have always presented the opposite - straight guys paired up like bookends on cop shows, always hanging out together off duty, etc.

    Many gay guys of course have their issues, but I'm actually more surprised that so few straight guys seem to want close friendships. But then again, I live in Los Angeles...
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    Oct 01, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    I agree. More guys do need to connect with a closer friendship.

    I would like to make closer bonds/connections with my best friend but just won't happen. As with what MyBud said we are all taught at an early age not to do it and hard to change now. Wish it was different.

    But I am envious of you. You are so lucky to have a great bud like that.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Oct 01, 2011 2:51 AM GMT
    Athaleet saidMybud, you make good points but I'm not sure that society teaches us not to have close male friendships. It seems like TV and the movies have always presented the opposite - straight guys paired up like bookends on cop shows, always hanging out together off duty, etc.

    Many gay guys of course have their issues, but I'm actually more surprised that so few straight guys seem to want close friendships. But then again, I live in Los Angeles...
    Son...the media doesn't show true representations of reality....
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    Oct 01, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    No, certainly not, but it has a huge impact on what people perceive as "normal".
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    Oct 01, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    Athaleet saidNo, certainly not, but it has a huge impact on what people perceive as "normal".


    So so true
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    Oct 01, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    I disagree that male friendships are seen as abnormal. So many of our cultural phenomena are based on close male friendships like "bromance" Heck, there's a lot of movies about it. A lot of male friends are also quite affectionate, have you seen guys in colleges and high schools? They hug and show affection quite freely without it being seen as gay. However, friends drift away over the years as their paths in careers and families diverge. Long friendships are uncommon.

    My best friend and I met in college. we didn't like each other at first, but then it was a love affair and went to school together for the next 8 years through grad school except a couple of months where we did away rotations. We work at the same place, though not the same department. I can count on one hand where we didn't see each other or talk to each other over the past 11+ years that we have known each other. However, we are not as close anymore as we used to be.

    I don't make friends easily and don't have many friends. I think the only people he loves more than me are his daughter and his mother. Sometimes I think our spouses are jealous of us. Note: there was never a sexual element to it.
  • gymhead_anony...

    Posts: 207

    Oct 01, 2011 3:13 AM GMT
    Male friendships especially with gay guys is extremely rare. Because there is always a flirtation or attraction that could be misleading. But those friendships hold onto them and don't ruin them because they are hard to find.
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    Oct 01, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    I miss having a close friend.

    My guess is that there are such crappy people out there, a lot don't know what a really great true lifelong friend is so they don't know what they're missing or what they could be to someone.
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    Oct 01, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    i have two close friends with whom i share an intimacy that isn't physical but it just clicked between us . One is close to 70 and the other is barely 36 .
    The former a very wealthy and successful business man and the other a car sales rep but mostly my best mtbiking buddy.
    So they're like at antipodes .
    Music is what made me connect to the former, sport to the latter.

    IT's not like we're always calling or emailing , we can be weeks or even months without contact , but when we're together, it's always high quality stuff.

    Both are straight, married with children .

    i feel lucky , in spite the fact i'm often lonely.
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    Oct 01, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    There is definitely some truth to what you are saying. When I was younger living in another country I had one very close friend with whom I had great relationship. When I moved here I still made some friends but never seem to develop a strong connection/relationship with them. I mean yeah we are close, we talk, and even live in same town still, however bond is not as strong. Most (not all) of friendships that I've had here just seem to drift and wither away for no particular reason.

    I don't really know why, but it is definitely difficult to bond with someone on that level, especially as we get older, gain experience, and grow as individuals as well as professionally. Do I want to have more strong friendships like I've had in past? Of Course! Is it likely that I will? Seems doubtful, but you never know!

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    Oct 01, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    I suck at being friends with people, I prefer being alone rather than going out with people who end up saying yes in the beginning and then the day of the event they disappear on you. Friends are unreliable and unnecessary that is my opinion for today. Catch me on another day and I'll spew out friendship speeches like Tea from Yu-Gi-Oh abridged.
    http://youtu.be/eWPpDjiILlM
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    Oct 01, 2011 4:28 AM GMT
    I moved to a new city for school and haven't made a great friend that I enjoy spending lots of time with yet. I really miss it.