feedback needed on a poem for class ASAP

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    Oct 03, 2011 5:19 PM GMT
    ok so this is due in an hour, we need to write as detailed a possible poem about an action etc,

    i wrote this, give me opinions suggestions, title ideas etc, grammar mistakes


    The Longest Walk.

    Today my desk with its tiny wooden top and uncomfortably small seat feels like home,

    I don’t want to leave that warm piece of mass produced plastic and cheap metal today,

    I squeeze myself out of that safe haven and hesitantly rise,

    As I stand up the fluorescent bulbs accusingly glare down at me from above,

    My footsteps echo across the linoleum tiles as I make the long trek up to the front of the room,

    I am aware of my shoes being loose on me, and I tell myself I must remember to buy those inserts,

    As I walk up I look around; I see large kindly if mildly interested eyes with a hint of pity staring back at me,

    I reach the dark wooden podium after what seems like an eternity,

    The rustle of my papers as I place them down seem to wake me from my subconscious,

    I take a big swallow and casually wipe the sweat off my forehead,

    The small video camera staring at me from the back of the room seems larger than life,

    I dare to glance around me,

    A sea of large eyes with the hint of smiles looks back at me expectantly,

    I clear my throat, and begin to speak…
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    Oct 03, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    I know this is too late, but it isn't poetry. Good luck anyway.
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    Oct 03, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    JackNWNJ saidI know this is too late, but it isn't poetry. Good luck anyway.
    well its poetic icon_razz.gif
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    Oct 03, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    JackNWNJ saidI know this is too late, but it isn't poetry


    Uh, yeah it is. Contemporary poetry has an extremely hybrid form and meter.
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    Oct 03, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    JackNWNJ saidI know this is too late, but it isn't poetry


    Uh, yeah it is. Contemporary poetry has an extremely hybrid form and meter.
    icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 04, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    JackNWNJ saidI know this is too late, but it isn't poetry. Good luck anyway.


    Too late to tell him it's not poetry? icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Oct 04, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    JackNWNJ saidI know this is too late, but it isn't poetry. Good luck anyway.


    1. Poetry does not have to rhyme

    2. Creating a poem about your anxiety walking up to a podium to speak is pretty tough to do, so kudos to the OP.

    3. Do you ever, ever have anything nice to say? When was the last time you smiled?
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    Oct 04, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    Caveat: it was a very quick read cause i need to go to bed soon, but I can't turn down an editing job. icon_smile.gif

    I noticed a few too many lines that start with "I" - perhaps you could rework some lines to start some other way...unless the over-focus on "I", "me," and "my" is intentional to draw the reader into the nervous speaker's self-absorption.

    You might also go for some more powerful verbs. For example, you could change the second line to start with "reluctant to abandon" instead of "I don't want to."

    Ninth line should read "seems," not "seem;" subject-verb agreement.

    I like the line about the inserts.

    Good luck with your assignment. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 04, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    EliStark saidCaveat: it was a very quick read cause i need to go to bed soon, but I can't turn down an editing job. icon_smile.gif

    I noticed a few too many lines that start with "I" - perhaps you could rework some lines to start some other way...unless the over-focus on "I", "me," and "my" is intentional to draw the reader into the nervous speaker's self-absorption.

    You might also go for some more powerful verbs. For example, you could change the second line to start with "reluctant to abandon" instead of "I don't want to."

    Ninth line should read "seems," not "seem;" subject-verb agreement.

    I like the line about the inserts.

    Good luck with your assignment. icon_smile.gif
    thnx! i actually submitted it already, and the class and the professor reallly liked it, this poem actually happened to me this morning it was my first speech, in speech 101 class
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    Oct 04, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    ZbmwM5 said
    JackNWNJ saidI know this is too late, but it isn't poetry. Good luck anyway.


    1. Poetry does not have to rhyme

    2. Creating a poem about your anxiety walking up to a podium to speak is pretty tough to do, so kudos to the OP.

    3. Do you ever, ever have anything nice to say? When was the last time you smiled?
    thnx!
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    Oct 04, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    Without knowing the specific requirements of the assignment, it's hard to give a proper critique. I like the way you described an uncomfortable situation.

    Was the assignment open to any type of poem? Were there any specific instructions as to rhyme and meter?

    I'm a little rusty on my grammar rules - but I do think that your two lines that begin with As I stand up & As I walk up... - should have a comma after the phrase.
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    Oct 04, 2011 3:24 AM GMT
    onaquest870 saidWithout knowing the specific requirements of the assignment, it's hard to give a proper critique. I like the way you described an uncomfortable situation.

    Was the assignment open to any type of poem? Were there any specific instructions as to rhyme and meter?

    I'm a little rusty on my grammar rules - but I do think that your two lines that begin with As I stand up & As I walk up... - should have a comma after the phrase.
    yes the objective was to write any poem form, with as intricate detail as possible, describe an action an object or a person, by just describing what is going on, or what i see,

    so i chose action, and my goal was that the reader should feel my nervousness and anxiety, without me ever mentioning that im actually feeling anxious.