Almost Outed! Shit's about to hit the fan.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:01 AM GMT
    My younger brother decided to ask for the name of the girl I've been dating. He knows I'm dating someone, he just doesn't know that someone isn't a she. He is pressing for details, asking when the family will be introduced to her.

    He and I have just started understanding each other; the relationship is very fragile because we are from two very different worlds [though we grew up under the same roof]. He does not like gay people. He barely likes me. And finding out that I'm gay will simply add fuel to the fire -- in the wrong direction.

    How do I postpone the inevitable?
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:03 AM GMT
    Ask a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:07 AM GMT
    You can't, buddy.

    Sooner or later him and the rest of your family are going to find out. It's best if they find out on your terms. Your brother probably already knows but is waiting for you to confirm his suspicions. What happens after that who can say but it's always better to out yourself then to be outed by someone else. He's put you in a spot and now the rest of the family is going to inquire about this mystery girlfriend of yours. You might as well bite the bullet and come clean before things get any more complicated and go an irreparable route.

    The above advice is just horrible because it only temporarily fixes the situation but it also causes more trouble because you brought someone in to lie for you and to your family. It's bad enough you are keeping secrets from your them. You shouldn't include someone else to help you in supporting a lie. Once you've said your peace your folks will be the one's who have to deal with it and not you.

    Whatever happens...stand tall, firm, confident and be proud of who you are.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:10 AM GMT
    i aggree with green hoper. bring a female friend to fill in while you fix the situation.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 04, 2011 11:15 AM GMT
    What is time going to buy you?

    Is your brother going to "like" gay people anytime soon?
    Are your worlds going to get any closer in the coming months?

    All of this mental energy and lying .... isn't it tiring?
    Once you tell your family ... it's no longer YOUR problem ... it's THEIR'S
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:23 AM GMT
    GQjock saidWhat is time going to buy you?

    Is your brother going to "like" gay people anytime soon?
    Are your worlds going to get any closer in the coming months?

    All of this mental energy and lying .... isn't it tiring?
    Once you tell your family ... it's no longer YOUR problem ... it's THEIR'S


    Here are the positions:

    Mom: unconditionally caring and loving, supportive, knows.

    Dad: If/when he finds out, several nuclear reactors will go off at once and fundamentalist Christians will run out into streets shouting, "Flee the wrath to come!"

    Rest of siblings and family: mixed, kinda apathetic, which rocks for me.

    My father and brother are hostile towards gays. If they suspect that I'm gay, they suspect that I'm simply in need of a cure and if they're setting me up to confess, they're also setting up a drastic (and no doubt cataclysmic) intervention and correction.

    I guess I have to make plans to move out again, even though they were the ones that persuaded me to move back home. Honeymoon is over, I guess.

    Any way I look at it, I'm about to be thoroughly screwed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:25 AM GMT
    GreenHopper saidAsk a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend


    I've seen guys who managed to do this [the girl seems to know what she's signed up for] but I am deeply concerned about the self-esteem of any girl that allows herself to be used as a front for a lie. icon_sad.gif So I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in reinforcing whatever negative self-view that person has already internalized.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:27 AM GMT
    Well just think about how things will be after you tell them about yourself.

    You won't have to live a lie and you won't have to feel bad about lying to them anymore. If they can't handle who you are when you tell them then that really is their problem and nothing is gonna stop you from moving on.

    Remember that you love them as they are and they are the ones who need to love you as you are.

    Best of luck to you.

  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Oct 04, 2011 11:31 AM GMT
    Skhokho1987 said
    GreenHopper saidAsk a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend


    I've seen guys who managed to do this [the girl seems to know what she's signed up for] but I am deeply concerned about the self-esteem of any girl that allows herself to be used as a front for a lie. icon_sad.gif So I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in reinforcing whatever negative self-view that person has already internalized.


    This wouldn't be just some girl who agrees to be your girlfriend. You need a female friend who knows you and your situation, would want to do it to support you and help you through a rough time.

    And I definitely think that if you plan to come out to them anytime soon, moving out is a good idea!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:39 AM GMT
    The situation isn't hard to figure out. It isn't rocket science or quantum physics.

    You have 3 options.

    1) - Never tell them a thing which is what you've been doing already.

    2) - Request a female friend to aid in the charade which will cause more trouble.

    3) - Tell them you are gay, move out and let them decide how they want to handle this because you handled it enough already by keeping it a secret.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:45 AM GMT
    Skhokho1987 said
    GQjock saidWhat is time going to buy you?

    Is your brother going to "like" gay people anytime soon?
    Are your worlds going to get any closer in the coming months?

    All of this mental energy and lying .... isn't it tiring?
    Once you tell your family ... it's no longer YOUR problem ... it's THEIR'S


    Here are the positions:

    Mom: unconditionally caring and loving, supportive, knows.

    Dad: If/when he finds out, several nuclear reactors will go off at once and fundamentalist Christians will run out into streets shouting, "Flee the wrath to come!"

    Rest of siblings and family: mixed, kinda apathetic, which rocks for me.

    My father and brother are hostile towards gays. If they suspect that I'm gay, they suspect that I'm simply in need of a cure and if they're setting me up to confess, they're also setting up a drastic (and no doubt cataclysmic) intervention and correction.

    I guess I have to make plans to move out again, even though they were the ones that persuaded me to move back home. Honeymoon is over, I guess.

    Any way I look at it, I'm about to be thoroughly screwed.


    Thats why I say fake it till you can manage to move out! be a traditional African ( harsh, but not a joke! )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:47 AM GMT
    Karnage said
    Skhokho1987 said
    GreenHopper saidAsk a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend


    I've seen guys who managed to do this [the girl seems to know what she's signed up for] but I am deeply concerned about the self-esteem of any girl that allows herself to be used as a front for a lie. icon_sad.gif So I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in reinforcing whatever negative self-view that person has already internalized.


    This wouldn't be just some girl who agrees to be your girlfriend. You need a female friend who knows you and your situation, would want to do it to support you and help you through a rough time.

    And I definitely think that if you plan to come out to them anytime soon, moving out is a good idea!


    exactly.. I had no qualms posing as straight when my own female friend need3d to get a guy off her back.. I pretended to be her fiance.. this to me is a similar situation: fake it to help someone out of a sticky, temporary situation
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:47 AM GMT
    bluemoon702 saidi aggree with green hoper. bring a female friend to fill in while you fix the situation.


    Hmm, I like the name green hoper... seems so hopeful ^_^
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:52 AM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    Karnage said
    Skhokho1987 said
    GreenHopper saidAsk a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend


    I've seen guys who managed to do this [the girl seems to know what she's signed up for] but I am deeply concerned about the self-esteem of any girl that allows herself to be used as a front for a lie. icon_sad.gif So I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in reinforcing whatever negative self-view that person has already internalized.


    This wouldn't be just some girl who agrees to be your girlfriend. You need a female friend who knows you and your situation, would want to do it to support you and help you through a rough time.

    And I definitely think that if you plan to come out to them anytime soon, moving out is a good idea!


    exactly.. I had no qualms posing as straight when my own female friend need3d to get a guy off her back.. I pretended to be her fiance.. this to me is a similar situation: fake it to help someone out of a sticky, temporary situation


    Telling someone you aren't interested in them is way different then telling your folks you are gay. This situation isn't in the same league.

    You were basically a shield for your friend so some dude would stop hitting on her. That's not the same as posing as a lover, BF/GF or a fiance' to someone's parents in order to hide their sexuality. Shame on you for such a comparison.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    I am a proponent of coming out as it generally tends to make things better in the long run, maybe not initially but later it usually works out for the best.

    However, only you know your situation. If you really think there is opportunity for abuse, especially physical, you need to protect yourself.

    If you can leave the home quickly enough to avoid further confrontation and lying about your sexuality, then that would be the best situation.

    If you are just concerned about losing the respect of your father and brother, then this may not be as cataclysmic as you think. My brother is a testosterone filled marine who had a real problem with my sexuality, but I was able to win him over in the end.

    You seem like a very intelligent guy, so you need to trust your instincts on this.

    Good luck with this!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:05 PM GMT
    Guy101 said
    GreenHopper said
    Karnage said
    Skhokho1987 said
    GreenHopper saidAsk a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend


    I've seen guys who managed to do this [the girl seems to know what she's signed up for] but I am deeply concerned about the self-esteem of any girl that allows herself to be used as a front for a lie. icon_sad.gif So I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in reinforcing whatever negative self-view that person has already internalized.


    This wouldn't be just some girl who agrees to be your girlfriend. You need a female friend who knows you and your situation, would want to do it to support you and help you through a rough time.

    And I definitely think that if you plan to come out to them anytime soon, moving out is a good idea!


    exactly.. I had no qualms posing as straight when my own female friend need3d to get a guy off her back.. I pretended to be her fiance.. this to me is a similar situation: fake it to help someone out of a sticky, temporary situation


    Telling someone you aren't interested in them is way different then telling your folks you are gay. This situation isn't in the same league.

    You were basically a shield for your friend so some dude would stop hitting on her. That's not the same as posing as a lover, BF/GF or a fiance' to someone's parents in order to hide their sexuality. Shame on you for such a comparison.


    Dude, dont ever talk to me again....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:19 PM GMT
    Oh no! Whatever shall I do now that I can't (and never do ) talk you, Green Hopper?

    *GASP* My life shall never be the same ever again knowing that I can't speak to you because I called you out on your comparison. *GASP*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:22 PM GMT
    You aren't screwed..you are about to be liberated from an iron box that eventually would rust closed.

    It will be hard but it will get better. You may have to move out and not have the comforts of home. I left my family for many years only to come back years later to a warm a loving relationship.

    They will respect you for the truth.. not living a lie
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    Skhokho1987How do I postpone the inevitable?


    Let me be delicate and diplomatic about this.

    On the other hand, fuck that.

    GROW A PAIR, BE A MAN AND STOP LIVING A LIE!!!!!

    I hope that helps.

    God bless you and keep you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:30 PM GMT
    Karnage said
    Skhokho1987 said
    GreenHopper saidAsk a girlfriend to fill in in the meantime... a fake girlfriend


    I've seen guys who managed to do this [the girl seems to know what she's signed up for] but I am deeply concerned about the self-esteem of any girl that allows herself to be used as a front for a lie. icon_sad.gif So I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in reinforcing whatever negative self-view that person has already internalized.


    This wouldn't be just some girl who agrees to be your girlfriend. You need a female friend who knows you and your situation, would want to do it to support you and help you through a rough time.

    And I definitely think that if you plan to come out to them anytime soon, moving out is a good idea!


    I like it! plant the bomb and run away!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:31 PM GMT
    heeb said
    Skhokho1987How do I postpone the inevitable?


    Let me be delicate and diplomatic about this.

    On the other hand, fuck that.

    GROW A PAIR, BE A MAN AND STOP LIVING A LIE!!!!!

    I hope that helps.

    God bless you and keep you.


    Oh, no she didn't! Flame war, on! icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:34 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gif hahaha I thought the answer to this question was kinda obvious...give it a few days and just say you broke up with your "girlfriend"....it's a lie but it might work....or tell the truth icon_biggrin.gif....your choice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    creyente saidI am a proponent of coming out as it generally tends to make things better in the long run, maybe not initially but later it usually works out for the best.

    However, only you know your situation. If you really think there is opportunity for abuse, especially physical, you need to protect yourself.

    If you can leave the home quickly enough to avoid further confrontation and lying about your sexuality, then that would be the best situation.

    If you are just concerned about losing the respect of your father and brother, then this may not be as cataclysmic as you think. My brother is a testosterone filled marine who had a real problem with my sexuality, but I was able to win him over in the end.

    You seem like a very intelligent guy, so you need to trust your instincts on this.

    Good luck with this!


    Thank you! This is actually quite relevant..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 12:37 PM GMT
    I can understand why you don't want them to know and I empathize with the decision you will have to make.

    Your father and brother will never change their opinions on gay people until it hits close to home. I know you see this as an event that could destroy your realtionship, and no doubt it will hurt it for some time, but it is also an opportunity to change the way they think about gay people and build a better relationship with them both.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 1:03 PM GMT
    That's tough man. If you're planning on being in the closet, you can't tell them you're dating someone if the person you're dating is a guy. The bigger the secret, the harder it is to keep. Now that you've let him know you're dating someone, you need to make up your mind about where you want to go. You could come up with another lie, like that you've both decided to see other people and then play things down for a couple weeks. Or you can tell them the truth. Eitherway, it's your decision.

    The thing about being in the closet, is that you need to be a little more savvy on not blowing your cover. You also, have to determine if there is a point where you are willing to reveal yourself. You've got a ton of face pics on here so you need to come up with an excuse for that too if that get's out. Like maybe your modelling pics were stolen. Eventually, you'll start to get questions about why you don't have a gf? Finally, at some point, you'll get to a place where the risk isn't worth the toll of the cover up. I am dealing with that a little now. But do it on your time and always know that your goal isn't to keep the lie going... it's to stall until you get to a place where you can figure things out... like what to say when you come out and to whom. Good luck man.