dating turnoffs

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2007 3:33 PM GMT
    i just started dated about 6 months ago. what are the things that guys hate when dating... trying to learn and gain some insight.
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    Jul 13, 2007 4:45 PM GMT
    I haven't dated in many years, but from what I can recall, guys that were fake really turned me off.

    I sometimes found dating to be very similar to an interview. The dates that gave good eye contact, that seemed genuine when interacting with me and the ones that seemed truly interested in getting to know me were great experiences.

    Guys that talked too much about themselves or guys that lacked maturity were real turn offs.
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    Jul 13, 2007 5:34 PM GMT
    A date ender is always when a guy says they dislike other gays in any way. When gay guys diss other gay guys, especially if they diss them because they're effeminate, that's just not cool in my book.
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    Jul 13, 2007 5:49 PM GMT
    This is my list of petpeeves IF I were to date someone new:
    Messy room/house, no life plan, kind of being a mess in general.

    Too out of shape or too in shape. Both can be a problem not because I really care about what they look like but because I have enough self-esteem issues I don't need to be taking care of someone else's.

    Self-sabotaging behavior, it's only hot in the movies. sorry try again.

    Lies and Cheating. Being disingenuine overall.

    Partying too hard, going out too much even after starting to date. Getting shitfaced drunk all the time.

    Having legal issues, DWIs, drug problems, pot habit.

    Going to the bathroom with door open and being too comfortable with your #2 before the first 4 weeks are over. And farting. You can fart all you want in your private time but not around me thank you very much.

    Not being good with money (not able to track who paid what when and keep it level)

    Not having a car, not having a decent place to live in. Not having a plan, not having financial stability to stand on your own two feet.

    Not having pride and sense of self. Selfless people are like blackholes I have found them to be toxic for me.

    Not having a sense of humor.

    Lousy sex
    Me me me sex
    Not having enough sex
    Asking for threesomes and open relationship stuff within the first 2 years of the relationship. From then on I am more willing to accept all that... maybe LOL.

    Well hmm... being lame. It's hard to describe. If you're lame forget it.


    and flip flops

    If you're wearing flip flops outside of the shower and beach, I would never date you. NEVER.

  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jul 13, 2007 6:03 PM GMT
    Phew Troy

    You sound like a barrel of laughs.

    You already have a boyfriend, I can only imagine that he is a saint or something.


    I've always found if you have a list of dislikes before you start dating, then you're setting yourself up for failure. Try to find things to like in a guy, not things to dislike, it's more fun, and who knows you may open yourself up to someone you might never have given a chance otherwise.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Jul 13, 2007 11:45 PM GMT
    Agree with you,Laurence.I try to concentrate on the good aspects of the guy,not his failings.And hope he concentrates on mine!If we all took the negative view,would anyone meet anyone?But...guys who are dirty,egocentric,always down on ex-boyfriends/others,these are all poor starts...
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jul 14, 2007 12:49 AM GMT
    I agree that it's better to have an open mind about things, and that if you're going to have a list it's often better to have a list of positive characteristics which would impress you rather than a list of negative ones which are turn-offs. That being said, I think there's nothing wrong with having a short list of dealbreakers; a few things which aren't negotiable.

    However, I think the point of the original post was more about behaviors on dates which people find really irritating. Not that I'm an expert or anything, but a few things which I've run into on enough dates that I feel are worth mentioning:

    Repeatedly bringing up an ex on a first date. If you bring up your ex more than once on a first date, it can start to sound like you're not over him. By the third time he comes up on unrelated subjects over the same meal, alarms are going off in my head.

    Commenting on the hotness of other guys present early on. If you're a month or two into dating, fine, we all look, there's nothing wrong with it. If it's the first or second time I'm out with a guy, though, I really don't want to know whether he thinks the waiter is hotter than the guy sitting two tables over or not, unless (maybe) that waiter looks an awful lot like me. Even then, it's risky.

    Having nothing at all to be enthusiastic about. Yeah, I know, most first dates are awkward, and something along the line of a really weird interview. And the standard small talk about friends, family, and leisure activities can get a little bit tiresome. Still, excessively negative people can be a real downer. There was one guy I went out with where the only thing over the course of the entire evening he seemed enthusiastic about was...the fact that the rolls came with butter. He hated his job, he hated the city we were in, he didn't get along with his family, most of his friends had moved out of the area after graduation but he stayed put, he lost touch with most of his other friends who had stayed put, he was upset that it had been raining so he couldn't go camping, he hadn't read any books or seen any movies or been to any concerts he had enjoyed in just got to be a real drag trying to find something, anything, he seemed to want to talk about. There's only so much I have to say about butter.
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    Jul 14, 2007 12:54 AM GMT
    Clean. Must be clean.

    Pride. Must take some pride in appearance and what they are wearing.

    Attitude. Positive attitude about themselves and life in general.

    Job. Must have a job. Don't want any leaching deadbeat. Must be willing to look for and maintain a job. I understand that life at times throws some nasty curve balls.

    Nice. Must be nice, friendly, compassionate, courteous, and likeable. Don't want any antisocial fruitcakes hell bent on destroying themselves and others around them.

  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Jul 14, 2007 12:56 AM GMT
    I don't like passionless people. And I don't mean sex.

    There has to be SOMETHING in this world that lights your candle. SOMETHING you feel strongly about. Your job, a craft, a scientific subject, anything. You don't have to change the world, but you need to be excited by something to excite me.
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    Jul 14, 2007 1:23 AM GMT
    I know I'll get a lot of negative feedback from this, and I wish I didn't think this way, cause it seems to offend a lot of people but as far as dating is concerned (not friendship, then I could care less), effeminate guys are a turn off. I understand that if thats how someone is, then thats how someone is. Thats totally, cool no problem. But why do people make a big deal when someone says I find it unattractive in a potential mate? It doesn't mean I dislike effeminate guys or want them to disappear. Some people don't date asian guys, some people don't date guys with sandals, and some people don't date effeminate guys.
  • NewDrew

    Posts: 24

    Jul 14, 2007 2:29 AM GMT
    I think that the key is that you like each other and have fun together! Simple. It's ridiculous to say the guy has to meet a 10 or 20 point check list, when they could be your soul mate but you could be so shallow to scratch them off your list because of minor temporary problems.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 14, 2007 2:30 AM GMT

    What do you want to do? "I don't know."

    Where do you want to eat? "I don't care."

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    Jul 14, 2007 2:45 AM GMT
    I agree with owl... Im pretty opened minded otherwise.
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    Jul 14, 2007 2:52 AM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 14, 2007 5:25 PM GMT
    Save for the sillier things I put there for fun, if you would like to date a guy who is a mess financially, emotionally, professionally, go ahead be my guest.

    I have been there and done that. It gets old in no time. Sure it is easy to chalk my list as a one made one someone that's mean and demanding. But if you really read through you will see that if you're looking for a long term relationship, you have to start with ingredients that make that possible.

    If you're going to date someone for 4 weeks and then date another for another 6, yeah ignore my list.... enjoy your serial monogamy. :-)
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    Jul 14, 2007 5:36 PM GMT
    being a gay republican.
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    Jul 14, 2007 5:55 PM GMT
    My top no-no.s are in no particular order:

    1. Smoking.

    2. Men in "open" relationships.

    3. Obesity.

    4. Bottom pinchers.

    5. Men not over their ex's

    6. Sluts

    7. Americans (oops, wrong site)

    8. Canadians (bit boring to be honest!)

    9. Californians (weirdos)

    10. Bad breathe
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 14, 2007 9:30 PM GMT

    Naturally..I have to defend my GREAT COUNTY of CANADA and it's exciting citizens....Please put an oops beside CANADIANS as you did for my exciting neighbours in AMERICA.......

    You haven't met me yet......NOT boring..

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 15, 2007 12:27 AM GMT
    My top dating turn off:

    1. A braggard
    2. No oral hygenic (how you expect me to kiss him)
    3. Sorry guys, girlish behaviour
    4. Expected me to pay for everything
    5. Expected me to follow his plan and his schedule all the time.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jul 16, 2007 8:15 AM GMT
    Owl, I don't think you should worry getting negative feedback for not wanting to date an effeminate guy, I'm sure most guys on here would agree with you.

    Lots of the debate on other forums haven't been about dating effeminate guys, but about accepting that everyone's different and not allowing hated of other types of Gay men.

    It's interesting to read these other posts and see how really we mainly have the same peeves about initially dating, stuff like personal hygene and being interesting (I've not met many Canadians, but I'm sure they're nice people). And that we mainly want the same things from a potential partner; someone who has a job, someone with a passion for life, someone who is interested in us.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2007 8:34 AM GMT
    It's all about what kind of guy you want to attract. So only take advice from people that sound like you want to get involved with them.

    Three things that annoy the hell out of me is

    1. Don't grab my shoulder for no reason when you laugh real hard or get excited. I don't care how funny it is, stop grabbin my goddamned arm.

    2. People that don't laugh at my jokes. Sense of humor is how I get along with people, if we share it, it's golden. I serve up some subtle dry shit. When I say I want to punch that ugly child in the heart, I'm joking. Probably.

    3. Lack of focus. I don't care if you are ADD, that doesn't exist for me. ADD means a lack of discipline, usually by choice, not disorder. Stop lookin at your phone, they don't pay your bill, you don't have to text them back right away. I ain't callin, I'm sittin in front of your ass. You have better odds of winning the lottery than getting a call that can affect you before the next day. I'm a pretty interesting guy, and I'm not gonna change to date you, so if I ain't holdin your attention now, when will I? Certainly not tomorrow, or the day after.

    That's for dates, for relationships, Muscletroy speaks the same words about it that I do. Be yourself, handle your shit, cause I won't do either for you. Never have, and never will.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2007 11:04 AM GMT
    Date ender's:

    Taking phone calls on the first few dates, if your not a Doctor on call - there's no excuse.

    Ambition without action.

    Already know's everything and therefore unwilling to learn more.

    Can't separate opinion from fact.

    He is rude to the waiter.

    Uses the "I was joking!" defense for unacceptable, rude, or offensive behavior.

    If he cares more about what other people think in terms of appearance, company, education, and status than he does himself.

    A reasonable amount of discussion of an ex is normal (particularly if the relationship was extended). The red flags are if it's venomous or obsessive.

    Innapropriate* or intentionally shocking public behavior. (* This is up to you as to what you consider inappropriate - if you don't state what you consider inappropriate, you can't complain. If you do and it doesn't stop - then the dating will.)

    Can't be too prudish to talk about sex.

    Can't have only one real passion in life. Must have many.

    Must like animals.

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    Jul 16, 2007 2:14 PM GMT
    What I hated the most was when a cute guy approached me but he was drunk.
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    Jul 16, 2007 2:29 PM GMT
    I have a few rules for even considering dating a guy.

    1. Must have a sense of spirituality, someing bigger than this "world"

    2. Must have a job and their own car.

    3. Cannot have a pet dog or want a pet dog. I HATE dogs, full on disgusted by them. Have never liked them.

    4. Cannot be a smoker or drug user or drunkard. Social drinking is fine

    5. Must participate in regular physical activity and be a pretty healthy person as far as eating and such.

    6. Cannot be an overly needy person (one of the MANY reasons i hate dogs!). Personal time and space is VERY important to me. I work a lot, 4 jobs in all. Can not STAND when a guy gets all whiney because i have to run from my day job to go to the studio to teach and then rehearse afterwards. You met me when i had all this going on in my life, and it affords me to oppurunity to "spoil" a guy with nice meals and movies and shows and things... so don't knock it. My jobs and dancing are what i love... they were here when you entered my life... and chances are they will be here when you leave it.

    There isn't really much else to it. All the other stuff falls under those umbrellas... like honesty. Most of the time that's gonna fall under being spiritual. Just sayin ;)
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    Jul 16, 2007 2:31 PM GMT
    keep the good stuff comin guys...