Exposing boyfriend online, need advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    Sorry…this is going to be a long story! But I'm just trying to wrap my head around it all and figure it out…desperate for advice and feeling very confused. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we live together. I can't tell you how happy I've been in the relationship up until now. A few weeks ago I was trying to find my way around the dark bedroom and asked my boyfriend to help me out by flashing his cell phone in my direction to give me some light, which he did. When i looked down at his phone I swear I saw the manhunt website. Now we've been in a monogamous relationship for a year and grindr and manhunt are off the table. I was shocked to see this and confronted him right away. He denied that it was manhunt and I didn't want to be psycho and take his phone and dig through it, so I just let it go and went to bed. About a week later I unlocked his phone while plugging it in and there was an email, right on his screen from manhunt saying he had new notifications. I panicked and created a manhunt account to check and see what was up now that I knew he was on, and I knew his screenname. His profile said "Now, looking for quick and local". I felt sick. Obviously I was disappointed in myself for creating a profile and checking up on him, but also so disappointed to see his profile and what it said. I waited a few days to let it sink in, then I finally confronted him. I told him I knew he had a manhunt account and how I had created one to certify his and everything that lead up to it. At first he laughed and said it was no big deal at all, he was just horny and went online just to chat and get off. Then his tone changed, and he got very mad at me and said he felt like I had trapped him. I have to take some blame for signing on and looking at his profile. He stormed off and texted me saying he wasn't coming home that night and he needed time to think. We took the night off and the day proceeding. then that evening we sat down to talk and he was very angry with me and we pretty much broke up…it wasn't until I packed my bag and tried to leave that he broke down and told me to stay and said he was sorry and he had felt numb until I walked out the door. We agreed to work it out and talk more about it. I wasn't even upset about manhunt, it was mostly the secrecy and lying that freaked me out. The next night I asked him if he deleted manhunt and he said he had. We had a great weekend and really reconnected and I felt great. But then it all fell apart…I panicked and out of fear that I couldn't trust him, i signed onto his email account. I understand what a huge breach this is and I have no defense for it…It a huge betrayal on my end and I would never want a boyfriend that snooped or spied on me…but what I found was even more terrible than the manhunt revelation. He had full chat transcripts in his email system with a man he chatted with from manhunt. The chats occurred on the day we weren't speaking, and the day after we agreed to make it work. They are very sexual and they were obviously getting off together, my boyfriend asks a few times if he can call him and there is also talk about me and what we do sexually…pictures and videos where exchanged..and the conversation also went on to discuss weather they could meet in real life and how that would happen. The chats were very disturbing. At this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him and expose myself, because I know this would for sure be the end of out relationship. I don't really know what his intentions were with this man, or is this is still going on and if they are exchanging emails and what not. My boyfriend has assured me multiple times that all the manhunt drama is done with and yes exchanged filthy messages with other guys but wants to move on. And that he is so in love with me and can't loose me and wants to put this all behind us…but I can't trust him, and I have no idea what he's doing behind my back. And I've broken our trust too by snooping. It's a mess. I don't know how to handle this, and I'm scared that all outcomes lead to the end of this relationship. Can anyone help me sort this all out?

    sorry this is an insanely long message.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 5:25 PM GMT

    Boston, if it was me who posted about this problem, what advice would you give me? icon_wink.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    Well if you can't trust him can you ever truly love him. Tell him that you don't trust him after what happened and that he will have to work hard to gain your trust. Slow down and take time to think what you want from this relationship or is it worth the effort and drama it is causing.
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    Oct 04, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    Oh, honey, the Enter key is your friend.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 20973

    Oct 04, 2011 5:43 PM GMT
    Guys in a relationship, if they are truly in a happy relationship and want to keep it that way, have no business on Manhunt or any other site geared specifically towards hooking up.
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    Oct 04, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    I agree, with some slight edits.

    CuriousJockAZ saidGuys in a monogamous relationship, if they are truly in a happy monogamous relationship and want to keep it that way, have no business on Manhunt or any other site geared specifically towards hooking up.
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    Oct 04, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend got CAUGHT doing something trashy, and he tried to turn it around and make it look like YOU were the one in the wrong.

    No. You did nothing wrong. You had the right to snoop. You thought you caught a glimpse of it on his phone when he flashed it at you. At that point you did some investigating. ANYbody with half a brain would do that. We ALL deserve someone who will be loyal to us. If you have to do some snooping to weed out people who won't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, so be it.

    I would honestly rather live with myself knowing I snooped to catch a cheater and not be with that guy than be with a guy blindly who's cheating on me on the side.

    The guy is trash. Sorry it happened. What you need to do is have the confidence to drop him and KNOW someone better is on the horizon.

    I hope I haven't offended you with anything I wrote, and this next bit will be a little harsh, but it sounds to me like you're a little low on the confidence thing. It's okay, I use to be myself, so I can relate. But do NOT let this guy get into your head and make you feel like YOU did something wrong. You're the catch in the relationship, and he missed out.
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    Oct 04, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    He likes the idea of having you, but he does not settle for you alone.

    I think you won't be happy staying with him. This situation sucks for you and I know people who tried after the cheater got caught and it did not work out well.

    He played with your trust and that is not acceptable in a relationship.

    Good luck, you should tell someone around you about the situation.
    You need someone you can trust at the moment and that person is not your boyfriend.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Oct 04, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild in any relationship. I don't think it is salvageable in your example. I would do my best to wrap things up, but I doubt you will be able to fully trust him again, having gone through this experience.
  • Lozzano

    Posts: 526

    Oct 04, 2011 6:12 PM GMT
    Oh sweetie...

    Those things happen (I guess).

    I live with my husband and we have been together the last 5 years. But I can understand that sometimes he needs some diversity in the sexual topics.

    I don't have any problem if my husband has dirty chats or also, if he is now fucking somebody else. I know he loves me and sex is only one of his needing, like eating (and I guess its very boring to eat always the same food or in the same restaurant).

    In your case you felt something was wrong and then you just confirm it. If you really love this guy, you need to accept him the way he is. So, better to open your communication and talk him about those issues.
  • sloughwest

    Posts: 210

    Oct 04, 2011 6:16 PM GMT
    Ask yourself

    1. Do you like being in your boyfriends company
    2. Do you haver a good time together non-sexually
    3. Are you comfortable chilling the nights away with him

    4. Have you ever fantasized about a 3-some with your bf and a.n.other
    5. Have you ever seen a guy when out on your own and thought oh yeah I'd like to play with him
    6. Have you watched porn on line ?

    Now is it time to enjoy life, stay with the guy you like for non-sexual reasons, and just know that you and he are the one's that go home together regardless of who else you might shake hands with throughout the day, if you're lucky enough !

    Cuddles and chats and just being together are much more important in a relationship than sex (when you're really really really old you might not have much sex life)

    ..... all in my opinion of course....
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    Oct 04, 2011 6:21 PM GMT
    It's obvious that he wants to have you and play too. He probably thinks if he can keep it on the downlow that he can pull it off, too.

    If he had approached you about wanting an open relationship, and you had agreed there wouldn't be an issue, but he didn't. Even if he had asked you for an open relationship and you said no you could have ended the relationship on amicable terms. Instead he picked the scummy low road.

    He is either already cheating or about to cheat. His dishonesty about something like this is, in my opinion, more damning than the act itself. You've tried the confronting route, it didn't work, what's left but accepting him as a cheater or leaving the relationship?

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    Oct 04, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    To the other posters... His boyfriend is was actively trying to figure out a place to have sex with his online acquaintance. That's a far cry from "dirty talk." or camming.
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    Oct 04, 2011 6:34 PM GMT

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    Oct 04, 2011 6:46 PM GMT
    He's dishonest and when he was caught he tried to make it about you doing something wrong. This isn't the kind of guy you want to date, is it? How would you trust him? He's a scumbag. Relationships are built on trust and honesty. Without massive attempts to make things right, he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. From reading your post, remorse and a desire to fix his issues doesn't seem to be something he wants to do. He was right back on email repeating his behavior.

    He could have broken up with you or asked for an open relationship but he didn't. He lied to you and cheated. He'll do it again and probably not just with sexual things. Without a really good reason to change and the desire to make that change, cheaters will cheat again. And they just get better at it.

    You should also get tested. He may have put your health at risk. How do you know he's practiced safe sex with these people?

    In the words of Dan Savage: "Dump the motherfucker." You deserve better.
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    Oct 04, 2011 6:47 PM GMT
    Clearly, the only thing he learned was to be more secretive. You either have to leave him or change the boundaries of the relationship. It's not an easy choice to make, but one that has to happen. Your third option is to keep things the way they are and stay quiet.
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    Oct 04, 2011 6:49 PM GMT
    Jeez, I feel bad for you. I can tell from your post that you really love him.

    I can't tell you what to do but there are some major issues here that are difficult if not impossible to get past without help. If you are both truly committed to your relationship, seek out relationship counseling. If he is unwilling to do that, then you'll need to consider what to do next.

    I wasn't clear on your position -- do you consider this cheating? Thats an important question to answer. I think most people would say yes, but I don't think I've heard a really good reason why. What is the difference in this and pornography?

    Is the difference in cheating and not cheating really just another stranger interacting with you in real-time, versus watching that stranger in a porn?

    In the future, I really think you should resist the urge to invade his privacy. Starting from a compromised position just makes things harder and I cannot think of anytime when someone got the urge to invade privacy like this and found something good.

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    Oct 04, 2011 7:00 PM GMT
    If you feel like you can be in a more sexually open relationship, talk with him about what he wants, and support making it happen. Have some fun. Maybe agree to only fool around with others when both of you are around. Then at least you're involved, and in a better position to monitor things.

    If you're expecting a strict monogamous relationship.. I really doubt this guy is gonna provide. He's already wiling to cheat on you. Even if he does try to mend things, soon it'll be too much effort for him and he'll stop. After all, he's still going to be dealing with the same issues that caused him to stray in the first place. He'll just try sneaking around on you again. And next time he'll be more clever about it so it's not as easy for you to catch him.

    My opinion comes from my current relationship. Without getting into detail, there are some sexual wants I'm NOT getting from my current partner. But I respect, and care for him, and would never go behind his back to get anything on the side to satisfy myself. Now... Maybe if I didnt really care for him.... (hint hint)
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    Oct 04, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    I agree with the above people about moving on from him. When he's at work one day, move all of your crap out and just start new. To be a prick, I'd find one piece of evidence, print it out and just put "The End" on it or something dramatic so it sinks in and just never look back. Don't answer his calls/texts/whatever.
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    Oct 04, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    Just saying... if he has done this before, he may do it again.
    And you already felt insecure about him. I think it is better to leave him.

    Especially, when you know he has being doing all email, video, pic exchanges and talking about meeting in real life with this other guy. Seems like your boyfriend can change his mind pretty quickly. While you think it is monogamous, but he doesn't although he tells you that he is in a monogamous relationship with you.

    Don't confront to him, and just walk out without even telling him, or you can tell him and cause another conflict, which would make you feel a bit more depressed, while the same "breaking up" process is still gonna happen. Just don't cause another drama scene with him and walk out like what you should have done.

    It isn't your fault for "snooping" around, he was the one at fault for the first place.

    If you do walk out eventually without confronting to him, he knows the reason why you walked out and leave him.
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    Oct 04, 2011 7:22 PM GMT
    Sry man, but at this point, you're only hurting yourself.

    Drop him. Drop him like its hot.

    "Fool me once," that would've been fine, you woulda worked through it and lived happily ever after
    "Fool me twice," now it's just you dealing with someone who you know isn't going to change. You're putting yourself at risk, say if he has met with other guys. How many? Did he use protection?

    C'mon man, it can't be 80% effort on your part and 20% on his, it must be 50/50.
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    Oct 04, 2011 7:32 PM GMT
    I think your boyfriend wants an open relationship. Do you? If not, then I don't think you guys are compatible in the long-term.
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    Oct 04, 2011 7:47 PM GMT
    WOW! Are you dating my ex or something? Because I went through the same exact stuff you are going through. Eventually it came down to us breaking up a 3rd time after I learned he was cheating on me. He had been posting SEVERAL ads on craigslist talking about wanting to be gangbanged by a group of white guys, wanting to meet up at Flex (this bath house in Cleveland), and all sorts of other things. He was even on a4a. I also got the passwords to his accounts and email and also confronted him about every thing that was going on. He always had a lame ass excuse, but stupid me at the time, I kept believing him because I was in love with him. Had to go through a whole year of issues with him and it was not healthy for me at all.

    My suggestion, you have to break it off now. He's never going to change and you're just going to keep hurting yourself over and over again. I say hurting yourself because yes, although he's the one hurting you: by letting it continue to happen is doing damage to yourself. You don't want to be like me and go into your next dating experience or relationship not trusting some one.

    Hope everything works out for you one way or the other. The four worst things anyone can do to me is lie to me, steal from me, eat food off my plate without asking, and cheating on me. I've had it happen to me enough times that I don't want to do it to anyone else or see/hear of it happening to some one else. I know how you are feeling but if you do break up, the pain will pass. Not right away of course. It took me SIX months before I was totally over him and we haven't spoken since then. I'm much better off now being single than I ever was when I was trying to be with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 04, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    You are suffering from trying to make a gay relationship conform to str8, Christian morals. Its a kind of Homophobia. Join the ranks of the gay haters because you hate him because he is behaving like a gay man. He can't communicate with you because he knows you have republican values about your relationship.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 04, 2011 8:23 PM GMT
    joined today, posted today... and you wrote a book. fake profile dude has way too much time on his hands.