in the mood for sex?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    SORRY first post I've made anonymously but just couldn't ask it otherwise.

    Wondering what other's take on this is. Sometimes i just don't feel horny with my partner. I'll get a boner but just don't feel like having sex or getting off. is that normal? its great when i'm in the mood but if he initiates and i'm just not feeling it i don't like getting off and he takes offense to it :-/

    Should add that I'm 26. I do have similar problems with porn too. I could watch it and not get horny at all if i'm not in the mood for it.
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Oct 05, 2011 7:17 PM GMT
    I was like that too, if you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood. He shouldn't be so sensitive.

    You really needed to ask a question like this anonymously?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    You really needed to ask a question like this anonymously?


    lol prob not but new to being openly gay so it was either deliberating for hours to convince myself that i could or just simply ask anonymously. Hope i still get some feedback on the issue.
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    Oct 05, 2011 7:22 PM GMT
    TheKrisPandemic saidI was like that too, if you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood. He shouldn't be so sensitive.

    You really needed to ask a question like this anonymously?


    Also you said use to be. Is it not a problem any more? what changed?
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Oct 05, 2011 7:25 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock said
    TheKrisPandemic saidI was like that too, if you're not in the mood then you're not in the mood. He shouldn't be so sensitive.

    You really needed to ask a question like this anonymously?


    Also you said use to be. Is it not a problem any more? what changed?


    We broke up, LOL.

    But in all seriousness, he can't force you to always want to have sex. Everyone's sex drive is different. Forcing sex won't be pleasurable and it'll be a burden. Tell him not to be so damn sensitive with him taking offense to it, I'm assuming this has happened more than once. If he loves you or even cares about you, he'll understand.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 7:31 PM GMT
    You are afraid to ask a question about fucking?

    Then by all means, please don't look at this terrifying image of two Corgi puppies:
    corgi-puppies-sidebyside.jpg

    OMG!!!! NOT A FLUFFY BUNNY!!!!
    Funny+adorable+fluffy+bunny2.jpg

    PLEASE DON'T CAST YOUR GAZE UPON THE SOULLESS EYES OF THIS BOX OF KITTENS!!!!
    kittens.jpg

    Jeez. Grow up, grow a spine and a pair.

    /endrant
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 7:35 PM GMT
    motov8 saidYou are afraid to ask a question about fucking?

    Then by all means, please don't look at this terrifying image of two Corgi puppies:
    OMG!!!! NOT A FLUFFY BUNNY!!!!

    PLEASE DON'T CAST YOUR GAZE UPON THE SOULLESS EYES OF THIS BOX OF KITTENS!!!!

    Jeez. Grow up, grow a spine and a pair.

    /endrant


    Thanks sarcasm is always helpful. Why do people feel the need to attack?
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Oct 05, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    It's perfectly normal. Sometimes you just don't want sex. You may be physically capable of it, but being mentally prepared is another thing. As an extreme case, rape victims do become aroused when they are being raped, but emotionally they are traumatised.

    As to you partner, you can simply show him affection. Reassure him that you are attracted to him very much and want to make him happy, but you simply are not up to the task. Let him know you are just not feeling it. You can give him something, for example oral sex or just manual stimulation, so that he doesn't feel neglected or upset. Tell him watching him and giving him pleasure gives you pleasure.
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Oct 05, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    motov8 saidYou are afraid to ask a question about fucking?

    Then by all means, please don't look at this terrifying image of two Corgi puppies:


    OMG!!!! NOT A FLUFFY BUNNY!!!!


    PLEASE DON'T CAST YOUR GAZE UPON THE SOULLESS EYES OF THIS BOX OF KITTENS!!!!


    Jeez. Grow up, grow a spine and a pair.

    /endrant


    tumblr_lrbdisYoQt1qgrk4e.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    hairymusclejock saidSORRY first post I've made anonymously but just couldn't ask it otherwise.

    Wondering what other's take on this is. Sometimes i just don't feel horny with my partner. I'll get a boner but just don't feel like having sex or getting off. is that normal? its great when i'm in the mood but if he initiates and i'm just not feeling it i don't like getting off and he takes offense to it :-/

    Should add that I'm 26. I do have similar problems with porn too. I could watch it and not get horny at all if i'm not in the mood for it.
    You can't be on your game 24/7, even though there are those who will say they are! The whole concept of sex is not just physical but mental and emotional too. Getting a boner is only the physical part of it and many can do that but following through to completion takes the emotional excitement and if it's not there, it's not there. If you're tired, sick, on medication or intoxicated, you may not have the desire, then you're not there emotionally even though your dick may say otherwise. If you're not there emotionally because you're not being stimulated (emotionally) then I'd suggest a long sit down with the partner and figure out what does excite you and how you can add that into your routine (ie: porn, toys, groups, 3 ways, whatever).

    It sounds like you're pretty normal based on what you wrote. Enjoy the fun when you're in the mood and be open with your partner when you're not. If you don't feel like it, maybe try and get him off (sort of as a consolation prize for his patience). icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidSex is overrated anyway.


    untrue. i love my sexy time icon_smile.gif
  • BCSwimmer

    Posts: 209

    Oct 05, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    This is normal and as has had been pointed out you have to have your head in the game: sex is as much a mental experience as it is a physical one.

    That being said, relationships are about finding common ground, for example: sometimes you want to see an action film while your partner wants to see a comedy or when planning where to eat out you want Mexican and he wants Thai. Successful relationships, IMHO, are when each partner is willing to let the other decide from time to time, sticking to your guns and always getting your own way works for people who want to do everything on their own (that's why relationships don't work for some people who don't want to compromise and are more successful at being single).

    Likewise with sex, two partners wont always be at the same level of sexual excitement and, just like I hope when he is feeling somewhat tired and would rather just watch a movie, he might give in if you are horned up; I would suggest you try the same once in a while. I am not suggesting everytime. Optimally it should be acceptable to say "sorry I am just not in the mood at the moment" and that be okay. However that should be used sparingly for when you REALLY can't do it. If you "shift" your needs once in a while from "I'd rather be doing XYZ..." to one of wanting to nuture your relationshiop then I would suggest accommodating your partner on those occasions (as he should do for you when the situation is reversed).

    Much like some people would rather be out enjoying the sun then having to go into their workplace there are obligations in life. While I am not suggesting a relationship should be "tedious" it does take committment and work for it to be successful, and once in a while going to a comedy when you're really feeling more like an adventure film.

    Good luck.

  • Oct 05, 2011 9:24 PM GMT
    Sex is the dessert of a relationship. You don't want dessert all the time. It's the intimacy - cuddling, kissing, talking, working on something together that is what makes it. Not in the mood for sex? No big deal. Another time another night. But it is definitely a good practice to affirm your partner in various ways that you love him -- "hon I love you, but I'm just not there right now." Big hug. "Come sit and lets cuddle." "You're wonderful, can we wait a little." etc.


    Trollileo saidSex is overrated anyway.


    Trolli: Can I personally give you the opportunity to change your rating of sex?! Please? You can bring your French Horn.
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    Oct 05, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidIf you insist. It will take a lot of convincing, though.


    Lol, I think you won't have any shortage of guys lining up to convince you.

    To the OP, you're completely and absolutely normal.

  • Oct 05, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidIf you insist. It will take a lot of convincing, though.


    And playing the French Horn well takes a lot of practice.

    Practice makes perfect.

    A whole bunch of us would like to make you a perfect player.......

    Oh, and you're in luck, on Wednesday nights I offer free armature and fingering checks....

    ( I agree on the cuddling. See my posts on the two recent cuddle forums,,,)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 10:27 PM GMT
    For me BCSWIMMER's post gets the win + icon_wink.gif
    I really agree with his comment on using the "Not Feeling it comment" being used VERY sparingly.
    We all have things we have to do but don't really want to do, but we do them.
    Is the sex you're having become boring? Is there a part of the puzzle were missing? One question is, when you give in and do it. is there a point where you do get turned on? Or do you feel like the whole time you're scrubbing the gym floor with a tooth brush? In the light of BC's post NOT trying to sound like an asshole but it sound like you're being a little little little bit selfish here.
  • allatonce

    Posts: 904

    Oct 05, 2011 10:33 PM GMT
    I don't have this problem. I have mostly had the problem of having my question "so, round two?" being followed up with "what? we just finished!".
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    Oct 05, 2011 10:34 PM GMT
    scottjock6 saidFor me BCSWIMMER's post gets the win + icon_wink.gif
    I really agree with his comment on using the "Not Feeling it comment" being used VERY sparingly.
    We all have things we have to do but don't really want to do, but we do them.
    Is the sex you're having become boring? Is there a part of the puzzle were missing? One question is, when you give in and do it. is there a point where you do get turned on? Or do you feel like the whole time you're scrubbing the gym floor with a tooth brush? In the light of BC's post NOT trying to sound like an asshole but it sound like you're being a little little little bit selfish here.


    No I do try to get into it and its good but just feel weird that sex can be something that you sometimes "don't really want to do"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    allatonce saidI don't have this problem. I have mostly had the problem of having my question "so, round two?" being followed up with "what? we just finished!".


    See that's kind of what I'm talking about. You are ready but your partner isn't do you still expect him to perform?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    FistersChoice saidYoure not anonymous.


    lol i know i ended up just making my profile visible again to keep from the clutter of hate posts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    Sounds pretty normal. it ebbs and flows dependent on many factors. But if you're never in the mood for weeks on end, there might be something else at play.
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    Oct 05, 2011 11:25 PM GMT
    I think its just as problematic to be begging for sex 24/7 (and to be upset when you dont get it) as to have no sex drive at all.

    Extremes aren't good..... only thing I can say is that its important communicate with your BF.... and to please your partner when you can. lol By the same token he needs to consider and respect your feelings without putting too much pressure on you.

    I do think that sometimes we have to put out even when we don't reallllly want to...... And maybe just go with it and you'll end up hornier in that moment.

    If you think its a problem... think about what belies it? You are not in the mood ever? Are you not as attracted to your BF as you'd like? Is he shitty in bed? Guilt issues? Depression that is lowering your sex drive? Could be a number of things and I'd invite you to consider the possibilities....
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    Oct 05, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidSex is overrated anyway.
    ...and underpriced.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 05, 2011 11:47 PM GMT
    Well said Z icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2011 12:08 AM GMT
    I would also take offense because I'd think he doesn't find me attractive anymore and that would hurt icon_cry.gif