Age gap.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2011 5:34 AM GMT
    Ok so I'm dating this guy who is absolutely perfect for me in every single way personality-wise....

    We've been dating for 4 months, and over the summer he was unemployed so we spent a hell of a lot of time together (probably 4 or 5 days per week).
    He's met both of my parents and both of them think he's fabulous and they say he's welcome to visit any time.

    The thing is... I'm 22 and he's 52. He doesn't look his age, but there is still an obvious age gap between us to the unsuspecting eye.


    Is it wrong for me to want to date someone closer to my age?

    It would probably be near impossible to find somebody my age even worth dating, but I still have the age thing scratching at the back of my brain, making me feel insecure about publicizing our relationship, which is something I am interested in doing with a potential husby.



    The thing that gets me most is that I keep seeing photos of couples that are what I could have been, if only most guys weren't such dickheads...

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    tumblr_lqbbtshVv21qz8536o1_500.jpg
    ^^^^ what I want to look like when I get married. icon_sad.gif

    189097_10150408933700088_510605087_17632
    ^^^^ me and a friend whom I dated for a few weeks.



    I want to feel less insecure of taking photos of me and my boyf and posting them on facebook, or holding hands with him in public etc. but I just can't get over that hurdle. icon_cry.gif
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    Oct 08, 2011 5:44 AM GMT
    Nothing wrong with wanting to date someone near your age, and neither is it wrong to date someone significantly older than you (heck, I have the hots for older men too). To me, the only thing you should ask yourself is whether or not you love him. And no matter how mainstream you may think a relationship will be, there will always be detractors to derail you. And the fact that this is a gay relationship is not making it easier. The age gap should not be much of an added attractant for the evil eye and gossip from people around you.

    Assuming you two are right for each other, the only worry you may have would be that because of his age, he may leave you long before you do (hope I am not being mean here). Then when he's gone, you're onyour own unless you find someone else again.


    And BTW, you and your friend look like brothers. Maybe it's the facial hair and the glasses. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 08, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    It's rare that one finds another who is a perfect fit when it comes to personalities. Seems foolish to throw that away over insecurities, but it's one of the things humans do best. We love to disregard that which isn't picture perfect.
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    Oct 08, 2011 5:55 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidehh ... you'll move on in a couple years and he'll drink himself to death from distraught of loosing you

    Or maybe you'll stick with him till he needs a rest home and can leave you an nice inheritence.

    Who's getting hurt by it? No one I guess, it's your life. Only you can decide what is good for you.
    I doubt the first one. We have more interests in common than I have with most of my friends. He also has a more active social life than I do and I get along with his friends.
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    Oct 08, 2011 5:57 AM GMT
    If you like him, who cares about his age? I'm really attracted to older men; they are more intelligent and mature (of course there's some exceptions icon_lol.gif )icon_smile.gif than young guys who sometimes can be really immature.
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    Oct 08, 2011 5:59 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    Hypnotico saidIf you like him, who cares about his age? I'm really attracted to older men; they are more intelligent and mature (of course there's some exceptions :lolicon_smile.gif than young guys who sometimes can be really immature.


    And they have money icon_biggrin.gif


    And that too hahaha j/k.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:01 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidAnd let's not forget that as we get older things start falling apart... They do, they really, really do.

    For men ... their hair false out ... gravity takes over pretty much all the body ... the prostrate enlarges ... more prone to cancers and heart attacks ... you move a little slower ... the body aches a little more ... you get chilled easily ... things start hurting for no reason .... you get forgetful .... I'm sure the list goes on and on

    At 22, it would seem like you would like to spend your weekend nights out dancing a clubing with guys your age and not a home poping in a dvd or seeing what the movie of the week is.
    He's already balding and has shaved his head daily for years lol, so that's not an issue. Luckily the shaved head suits him.

    At 20 I nicknamed myself Grandpa Andrew. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs, and I'm generally not a fan of loud crowded places. He enjoys going out dancing with friends more than I do. I prefer to stay in playing video games or watching movies or wasting time online.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:04 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    Hypnotico saidIf you like him, who cares about his age? I'm really attracted to older men; they are more intelligent and mature (of course there's some exceptions :lolicon_smile.gif than young guys who sometimes can be really immature.
    And they have money icon_biggrin.gif
    lol, mine doesn't

    we've talked about this briefly before and we've both agreed that if we ever split we're going to remain good friends, because our lives would be so empty without each other. he was like "i won't blame you if you leave me for a sugar daddy" LOL
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:08 AM GMT
    Anduru said
    AMoonHawk said
    Hypnotico saidIf you like him, who cares about his age? I'm really attracted to older men; they are more intelligent and mature (of course there's some exceptions :lolicon_smile.gif than young guys who sometimes can be really immature.
    And they have money icon_biggrin.gif
    lol, mine doesn't

    we've talked about this briefly before and we've both agreed that if we ever split we're going to remain good friends, because our lives would be so empty without each other. he was like "i won't blame you if you leave me for a sugar daddy" LOL


    Is he hot? You should post his pics LMAO icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:10 AM GMT
    Hypnotico saidIs he hot? You should post his pics LMAO icon_lol.gif
    33nuji8.jpg
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:11 AM GMT
    He's cute icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:12 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidicon_eek.gif
    At what part? icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:12 AM GMT
    Hypnotico saidHe's cute icon_smile.gif
    thanks icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    Shiiiiiiiiit. I thought part of transitioning into adulthood was learning that the reality will never match the dream. and then when you learn to cope with that fact you become an adult. Was that not how it was s'pose to work?

    unfounded7 saidIt's rare that one finds another who is a perfect fit when it comes to personalities. Seems foolish to throw that away over insecurities, but it's one of the things humans do best. We love to disregard that which isn't picture perfect.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:50 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidSo you are looking for someone that will perpetuate this?
    Well, he enjoys spending time playing video games, watching movies, or wasting time online with me, but we also go out shopping often and out for dinner a lot.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:51 AM GMT
    jprichva saidWell, Andrew, if it works for you, great.

    Personally, I'm your boyfriend's age and I couldn't imagine myself with someone 23 or 24. That's younger than my 28 and 27-year old children.
    He doesn't have children though so it's probably not as big of a deal.
    He's never really been in the closet or anything haha.
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    I'm not trying to be rude, but....someone explain this , it's bugging me...icon_lol.gif I circled it....

    hXlhX.jpg
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:55 AM GMT
    Stan904 saidI'm not trying to be rude, but....someone explain this , it's bugging me...icon_lol.gif I circled it....
    he has a white patch on his beard icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 08, 2011 6:56 AM GMT
    @'' Is it wrong for me to want to date someone closer to my age?''

    Hmmm 'tis a tricky one.

    My honest opinion is that a 30 year age gap will more than likely prove too significant a chasm in the long run. You are just starting your adult life, i'm sure you'll eventually want to experience a lot of which the world has to offer that you haven't tried yet, at one point or another, including a LTR with a hot and truly compatible guy who is also in your age bracket. Hard to find perhaps, but not impossible. He on the other hand is a decade or so away from retirement.

    I think some of us younger guys tend to like the stability, comfort and reliability that a much older guy can provide, but only for a season and/or at an arm's length. It is safe and can happily fill a temporary social/comfort void, but not necessarily what one's heart really desires as one's true match; the guy who gives you butterflies, makes you melt and you fall for head over heels and can see your life unfolding with. I can relate though.

    He may be a great guy, but ask yourself this: if he was simply a great friend in your life who you hung out with, but you had a great BF your own age too, would you be more excited at this prospect, or do you see this guy as the pinnacle? If not, which I suspect from your post, I think you know the answer to your own question, mon ami.

    [Edit: Regarding pics of your BF, the world can suck it; flaunt it all you like, they'll get used to it! ;]
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    Oct 08, 2011 7:02 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    _SAGE_ saidHe may be a great guy, but ask yourself this: if he was simply a great friend in your life who you hung out with, but you had a great BF your own age too, would you be more excited at this prospect, or do you see this guy as the pinnacle? If not, which I suspect from your post, I think you know the answer to your own question, mon ami.

    Did I say you could leave the basement, bitch?


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    Oct 08, 2011 7:14 AM GMT
    I was always dreading bringing the older man home to meet mom and DAD. My dad would be pissed off and think "this sick fucker is taking advantage of my son". Luckily, I didn't ever have a boyfriend! icon_neutral.gif

    I think I would have had to do a lot of talking to him in advance about the guy, telling him casually or humourously that he's older from the start so as to not build up a feeling like it's something to be uncomfortable about. And also talking about who he is and painting a picture that isn't like the one that my dad would jump to.

    That might have parallels to what you're thinking so maybe it makes sense to you.

    There are some truths that eventually you have to share with people, whether they are right or wrong, knowing the other person is going to have an issue with it. Just try to keep in mind that it's their right to think whatever they want, and their loss if they judge. You can then extend a hand to make them understand or put a barrier around it and continue on.
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    Oct 08, 2011 7:27 AM GMT
    My dad was more receptive than my mom when the age questions came up.

    Mom: "He's kind of old for you long term."

    Dad: "Well as long as he treats you right."


    I've been out of the closet since 14, and I started meeting people online when I was about 15. Generally it was other teenagers, but eventually I had some older friends (between 30 and 40) because I just didn't get along well with my own age bracket. I actually get along with my mom's friends really well so it was quite obvious that I was more mature than the rest of the boys in our families. When I was 19 I dated a 29 year old that both my parents met. Other guys that I've dated who haven't met them have been around 30 or so usually, so they know I've been dating older guys for practically my entire adult life because they usually ask when I say I'm going on a date.
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    Oct 08, 2011 7:45 AM GMT
    you know what I mean, just replace dad with whoever you're worried about and read the message that way.
  • Suetonius

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    Oct 08, 2011 8:00 AM GMT
    I’m new on this website, and I don’t know you in any way, but here are some thoughts:

    Is it wrong for me to want to date someone closer to my age?

    There is nothing wrong or right about who one loves. The only one who can decide what is OK for you, is you. If you want to date someone closer to your age, then do so. If you love this man despite the age difference, and enjoy sekks with him, then go for it. There is no explanation for to whom we are attracted. Sekksual attraction and satisfaction just are. Some guys are attracted only to older guys, some only to younger guys or to 30 year olds, or to blondes, or to muscles, or to skinny guys, or to guys with beards, or only to tops or only to bottoms, and to some guys none of these makes any difference. I can’t tell from your post if really want to have a guy your own age, or only think that you should want this.

    Others have commented that the relationship with an older guy might not last. It sounds like you want a monogamous relationship – that means one guy at a time. It does not necessarily mean forever. Relationships last as long as they last. If you want a relationship with this older guy and it doesn’t work out – so be it. So far, four months of dating is not really a long time, and it does not determine that this is your soulmate for life. But relationships with large age differences can endure. I have a friend who is now 80; he has been with his 35 year younger lover since the younger one was in his early 20’s. I am sure they still have an active sekks-life. The younger one has lots of friends his own age and younger.

    He's met both of my parents and both of them think he's fabulous and they say he's welcome to visit any time.

    You are very fortunate to have parents so accepting of your relationships. Most men do not have parents such as yours.

    I still have the age thing scratching at the back of my brain, making me feel insecure about publicizing our relationship . . . I want to feel less insecure of taking photos of me and my boyf and posting them on facebook, or holding hands with him in public etc. but I just can't get over that hurdle

    Try talking it out with a therapist? Why should you care what others think? It’s what you think that matters. (Be thankful you can hold hands in public in Toronto – I am guessing you probably would not do that with a guy in Calgary.) If your friends express disapproval at your choice of your lovers, they are not really your friends. And as for strangers . . . ? ? You only get one life – there are no do-overs. If the two of you really love each other – and want the same thing in a relationship, then, why not go for it, at least for the present? In the words of Georges Moustaki’s song from an earlier era, “Tout est possible; tout est permis.” [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEZZJ8vmjFo ]
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    Oct 08, 2011 8:11 AM GMT
    Suetonius saidI’m new on this website, and I don’t know you in any way, but here are some thoughts:

    Is it wrong for me to want to date someone closer to my age?

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    Thanks for your advice.
    None of my friends have shown any signs of disapproval... though I don't have many friends anyways lol.

    I think I'm just going to see where it takes us... we have had this conversation before so he knows that I'm very on the fence about it and has generously approved of me going on casual dates with guys that I'm interested in. He knows that I'm not a total sex fiend so it's not like I'm gonna go around fucking guys, but I'm going to consider my options while I figure myself out.