Is this becoming toxic?

  • citizenq

    Posts: 3

    Oct 10, 2011 6:20 PM GMT
    I've been seeing this guy for around 5 months now. Things were going great for the first three months: We both practically lived together and saw each other daily...couldn't get enough of each other, I traveled to be with him on his birthday (he had it in another city) two months after meeting. I traveled twice to see him (he worked in another city for a while). He was sweet, considerate, romantic and loving. We have had sex on a daily basis, sometimes twice or three times a day. Things were wonderful. There is a considerable age difference (I am 25 and he is 48 with kids and an ex wife that do not live with him). I have previously been with someone who is now 50 for 6 years, and he was with someone for also the same amount of time previously.

    He is extremely sensitive, is a typical cancerian while I am a gemini. problems started appearing when he told me he wants to relocate (I want to do the same) and I freaked out because I love this man more than anyone else (he is the love of my life - I am aware of the very short, but intense period we had been together) and kept on badgering him so that we find a plan where our paths would meet and we would stick together, rather than opt for a long distance thing. Eventually i broke it off after he had asked for a break and showed even more signs of uncertainty.

    We got back together on my request, and he broke it off...claiming he was too hurt, he couldn't trust me, he was heart broken, he doesnt feel the same anymore and so forth. After a while I asked him back and we are now together on a trial basis...however, after only a week...he made his manjam profile visible (it was hidden) and his grindr also visible with face pics on both...his grindr profile says "give me a reason to remove this application" and manjam says "starting a new life". He is continuously insulting me (in a light hearted manner, sometimes it gets mean) and he is ridiculing my romantic efforts and whenever I open up to him. I'm seeing a very passive aggressive person, although he did come across as vindictive (not sure though)m during the first break...I no longer know what to do and do not know whether I should keep reassuring patient with him...give him time and him that I do love him, that I respect him and worthy of his trust...I am tired of working on this, when also I am hurt (the break up hurt because he did a few things that I didn't like - such as insulting me to our common friends, bringing small details out to the open, offending me and so forth), I also am afraid of getting further hurt, and he is not he pushing me away? is he testing me? is he trying to see if I will stick around...what's the deal...I can give more details, but don't want to bore the shit out of you guys....would appreciate any advice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    He sounds a bit immature for a 50 years old. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    sweet, id love a 25yr old bf...heheheh... alas, if he is mentally abusing you, its not worth it. yea, people have problems, and issues, but respect is something that should be in the forefront of all relationships...
    good luck, if u decide to stick it out, and happy adventures if you dont. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 10, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
  • wpc56

    Posts: 45

    Oct 11, 2011 5:36 AM GMT
    There's a lot of things you are not telling us.

    Why was he hurt? Your story is completely one sided from your point of view and as such I doubt we can actually help you if there are things you are not telling us that could explain his behaviour.
  • citizenq

    Posts: 3

    Oct 11, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    well he just ended it over text message so there's no point in discussing. he was hurt because i broke it off basically. he couldn't forgive that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    I hate to be that kind of person to say this but if he is hurting you emotionally/mentally and such, he's not worth the time. I mean, if you stay with him and things remain the way they are, do you possibly see a good future with him?
    I would want to be respected in a relationship but that's just me. Do whatever you feel is right though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 11, 2011 11:08 PM GMT
    citizenq saidwell he just ended it over text message so there's no point in discussing. he was hurt because i broke it off basically. he couldn't forgive that.

    This is going to sound harsh - because I am being harsh. But don't spend too much time mourning this.

    He's almost twice your age. What is going on that you'd want to date someone who is old enough to be your dad?? (Oh yes, I went there). The whole "love knows no bounds" thing starts to fade away after the honeymoon period is over and you realize you are in two completely different generations. Emotionally he should be in a different place as well... his behavior was childish....

    But he was probably thinking a lot of interesting thoughts about what his relationship future would be like... and was sorting out a lot of issues while he dated you. I'm a big proponent of having yourself mostly figured out BEFORE you start dating. But most people prefer a more... reactive life ("There is nothing to be examined, I will just live my life and not ask questions about what i am doing or why".)

    It's not just the age difference ... he has an ex wife and children... how do you plan to be a part of their lives? You could be the same age as his kids!

    To me it sounds like you both confused infatuation with love.... which is not an uncommon thing for people to do.

    My advice: Learn from this in any and all ways.

    Oh, and put the brakes on your next relationship.... there's something to be said for some boundaries and self control. If you get involved too quickly, without really KNOWING the person, you lose sight of who you both are... because you're too busy being obsessed with the other person.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 12, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    I have been him on more than a couple a counts .. and i have also been in your shoes in one very big situation....
    you may feel you love him and he is the one. but it seems you are forcing yourself on him and he is only around because you throw love in his face.. the insults are probably because your clingy-ness and total disregard for that fact that he just isn't happy in this relationship is making him resent you. he probably doesn't want to leave you because you probably get all crazy and teary and make him feel guilty and make him wonder if any1 will love him like you and .. the realistic thing is .. If you really loved him .. you'd simply give him his space and see if he comes back. not to be rude or anything ...
    I am not trying to be a douche .. although i am sure that's exactly what you think i am >< I am just trying to lend you some advice... the hardest thing to hear is almost always the truth.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Oct 12, 2011 4:50 PM GMT
    Been there, and done that. I even have the fucking t-shirt. I know it hurts, but it's time to move on. He's no good for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 12, 2011 4:55 PM GMT
    Only 5 months and all this drama already?? Move on...
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16308

    Oct 12, 2011 5:02 PM GMT
    Doesn't sound like a very positive relationship. I'd suggest you move on with someone who more on the same wavelength. He sounds like he doesn't know what the hell he wants.