Why does doing the right thing feel so depressing?

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    Oct 12, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    I'm really really sad today. But I shouldn't be....which is making me feel even more depressed. icon_cry.gif

    8 months ago I met a really awesome guy. He is incredibly smart. He makes me laugh regularly (which is very hard.) He's also 6'3 and hot which helps. I would put a pic up if I could find a faceless one.

    I met him at a friends house, and from that day we've talked almost every day. I eventually learned a lot about him, and that he had been through a lot. He had no plans for the future and basically smoked marjuana all day. But was super smart.

    So I probed and eventually learned that he was a a victim of sexual abuse by his fath with whome he still lived. He has never told anyone about it, and he is also in the closet. He felt like his father’s abuse triggered his desire for men. He was prone to fits of anger and no one understood why. I got him to do a cleanse and smoke significantly less. I harassed a family friend into giving him a job where he is doing really well....working our way up to talking about school now but still getting a bit or resistance on that. As a result his relationship with his mom has really improved. About 5 or 6 months in I got him to agree to get counseling. My aunt is his therapist so all of his sessions are free and off the books. I made sure she knew he was I didn't do any of this because I wanted him to be with me, but because I just really liked him and it was painful to watch such an wonderful guy struggle like that. I never even expected him to be interested in me because of the attractiveness difference.

    Last night, I was talking to a mutual friend who asked me if I knew he was gay. She went on to say that he had come out to her and asked her not to tell anyone. She also mentioned that he thought I was cute.

    naturally my head exploded. But then I picked up the phone, got myself together and texted him.

    We talked for a while and ultimately he said that although he was very attracted to me, he felt a relationship between us would never work. Towards the end of our conversation, he sent these two texts.

    "There's a big part of me that wants to try and be with you, but on the other hand I feel like when I look at you, I'm always gonna see this amazing guy whose been like my friend and guru and did more for me than even my own brother did, I think youre so amazing, but the problem is I don't understand how you are gonna look at me and see anything else but a project and as fucked up as this is gonna sound think it would make me resent you.

    Please please don’t hate me. But you need to know, I love you more than anything and I would rather hit you with this disappointment now then wind up being shitty to you over everything you know. It sounds so bad but it’s not you it’s me and I just could never trust that you could look at me and not see everything I’ve been through and remember everything was wrong with me wrong with me."

    He went on to tell me that there was a guy better than him out there for me (which is something I usually find infuriating....it really doesn't help at all) and then kept going on about how much he loved me.

    I don’t feel like he owes me anything, especially not a relationship for the little issues we got through together. But I think at the very least they shouldn’t count against me. It makes me feel like If I had just told him I liked him before deciding to dragging him through the process of getting his life together, he might have said yes. Maybe we would have had a short relationship that crashed and burned because of all his hidden internal issues, but at least I’d be able to say that I got my fair shot with him. But according to him, all the deep conversations we had, and the secrets he shared with me, and the trust we built…….that’s what’s keeping him away. It doesn’t make sense to me, and I have to work really really hard to accept it.

    I’m struggling with some very selfish feelings. It’s like working on a classic car that you will never get to drive or renovating a beautiful old home that you will never get to live in. I know that I have no right to expect him to want to be with me, but I’m disappointed that he thinks I would judge him in anyway because that’s not my history with him. I admire him so much for making such a transformation in just a few months. But he doesn’t see that.

    I told him that I didn’t hate him and I thanked him for being honest, but I haven’t texted him since. I don’t even know where to go from here……I’m just really frustrated, angry, confused, and disappointed in the situation……..but I have no right to be.

    Fml

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    Oct 12, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    Just be glad that he values you as a friend because a friendship can last forever.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    dekiruman said

    "There's a big part of me that wants to try and be with you, but on the other hand I feel like when I look at you, I'm always gonna see this amazing guy whose been like my friend and guru and did more for me than even my own brother did, I think youre so amazing, but the problem is I don't understand how you are gonna look at me and see anything else but a project and as fucked up as this is gonna sound think it would make me resent you.

    Please please don’t hate me. But you need to know, I love you more than anything and I would rather hit you with this disappointment now then wind up being shitty to you over everything you know. It sounds so bad but it’s not you it’s me and I just could never trust that you could look at me and not see everything I’ve been through and remember everything was wrong with me wrong with me."

    He went on to tell me that there was a guy better than him out there for me (which is something I usually find infuriating....it really doesn't help at all) and then kept going on about how much he loved me.




    Those are red flags to me that sounds like a guy that actually does care a lot about you and feels that you would get your feeling hurt severely if he just flat-out rejected you.

    A lot of guys do that. What they don't seem to understand is that all the stuff they put you through behind it actually strangulates you even further.

    That's what I would think. He's trying to let you know in the kindest way possible.

    AND OH BOY DO I KNOWWWWW HOW YOU FEEL.

    I hope you can still salvage something out of the relationship, though. Friendships are very valuable in this world.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    You can only help him resolve his issues. If anything comes of that then great!

    /agree with Soulasphix.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:27 AM GMT
    Oddly enough, the minute I started reading this I thought "this guy is just a "project" to him." And then come to find out he used that very word to you. You can't just step in and "fix" someone without them resenting you, so I think he's being truthful with you. Solicitousness is a huge turn-off and usually repels the person rather than attracts them. You can't play multiple roles in a relationship. You can be his lover or his mother but you can't be both.

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    Oct 12, 2011 2:27 AM GMT
    The agent of change can never be a part of the change.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidOddly enough, the minute I started reading this I thought "this guy is just a "project" to him." And then come to find out he used that very word to you. You can't just step in and "fix" someone without them resenting you, so I think he's being truthful with you. Solicitousness is a huge turn-off and usually repels the person rather than attracts them. You can't play multiple roles in a relationship. You can be his lover or his mother but you can't be both.



    ooooh, I'm gonna need a little neosporin for that one. icon_confused.gif but it's probably the most dead-on post of the thread.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    dekiruman saidWhy does doing the right thing feel so depressing?
    Because you're confusing love with lust. icon_wink.gif
    /brutalhonesty
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:58 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidOddly enough, the minute I started reading this I thought "this guy is just a "project" to him." And then come to find out he used that very word to you. You can't just step in and "fix" someone without them resenting you, so I think he's being truthful with you. Solicitousness is a huge turn-off and usually repels the person rather than attracts them. You can't play multiple roles in a relationship. You can be his lover or his mother but you can't be both.



    wes, he's right about this.

    you're such a wise kid, you'll bounce back. and your man (or the lack thereof) is right, you'll find someone better...and worth it in the end.
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    Oct 12, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    However......if you totally shut down the mothering behavior, if he really does have any feelings for you at all, this can allow those sparks to grow.
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    Oct 12, 2011 3:46 AM GMT
    Ugh this thread broke my heart.

    Sorry to hear it. icon_sad.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    Just be his friend.. as you have been.......
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    Oct 12, 2011 3:54 AM GMT
    SinCityGuy saidJust be glad that he values you as a friend because a friendship can last forever.


    What he said..
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    Oct 12, 2011 4:03 AM GMT
    my philosophy is that all psychological drama has a physical solution .
    just barge into his place and rape him , it's a great reset button.
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    Oct 12, 2011 4:14 AM GMT
    You love to fall in love.
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    Oct 12, 2011 4:19 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidYou love to fall in love.

    Sigh. It seems to be the case. This little gurl has soooooo much to learn.....gurl.
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    Oct 12, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidThe agent of change can never be a part of the change.



    Scruffy, I have to disagree with this one as it depends entirely on the change itself.

    Dekiruman, I think the guy is telling you he's not ready to love wholly. Right now his love is hero-worship. His self esteem is at a ragged low (evidenced by his text to you), and I think he doesn't understand that a lover's love can be a powerful building force. On the flip side, perhaps he does, and has never had an opportunity to reciprocate what you've done for him.

    Next time you have a problem in your life, go to him with it. Give him an opportunity to shine, to advise, to console. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear such a sad predicament... *hugs* You were a good friend to him, please don't pine for him any longer, you'll make yourself fall sick.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    Continue being a friend, and who knows maybe in time if the 2 of you are meant to be together, it will happen.

    Sounds like he's still has a ton of stuff to go through and adding you into the mix will be too for him to handle.
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidThe agent of change can never be a part of the change.


    Exactly.

    I think you need to ask yourself why you took it upon yourself to help this guy out.

    Did you honestly take him under your wing because you're a nice guy, or did you do it because you're attracted to him?

    I know the answer, and you do, too.

    Stop pining. Be is friend or be gone - the latter isn't going to be your choice, it will be his (and he will be done with you if you continue crushing).
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:40 PM GMT
    I don't know if I am repeating advice because I am bored at work so I am RJing on my phone.

    There is a chance he just isn't that interested. He said you were cute, and you are, but that doesn't instantly mean he likes you like that. If I was going through some crap stuff in life and a sweet guy really cared about me and helped me out, I could still see him in that type of way.

    More likely though he might just not be ready for a relationship. He probably has lots of intimacy issues still and self-esteem issues and won't allow himself to get close to someone. He probably just has this block up that everyone he gets close to will just hurt him and that he isn't good enough for anyone

    I think you need to remain his friend and leave it at that for a while. He needs you in his life and you have done great things for him. Plus, who knows, once he works out his issues, he might actually allow himself to be something more with someone and you will be the one he wants.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Oct 12, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    Be his friend, he needs good friends that appreciate and understand him.
    Set aside your designs on him and it sounds like you can. If something develops someday, thats awesome, but for now... show him what genuine friendship is all about!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 2:58 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidThe agent of change can never be a part of the change.

    Agreed. But neither can the OP suddenly drop out of this guy's life, without undoing all the good that's been done so far. dekiruman is likely a part of this other guy's support structure now, a prop that for that moment should not be removed.

    Now's the time to be unselfish and take a personal emotional hit to benefit someone else who needs help more. Sometimes we have to be tougher than others in order to do the right thing for them, and shoulder burdens we'd rather not have. Without getting too maudlin, I'm reminded of the 1960s song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."

    "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother"
    (B. Scott and B. Russell)

    The road is long
    With many a winding turn
    That leads us to who knows where
    Who knows when
    But I'm strong
    Strong enough to carry him
    He ain't heavy, he's my brother

    So on we go
    His welfare is of my concern
    No burden is he to bear
    We'll get there
    For I know
    He would not encumber me
    He ain't heavy, he's my brother

    If I'm laden at all
    I'm laden with sadness
    That everyone's heart
    Isn't filled with the gladness
    Of love for one another

    It's a long, long road
    From which there is no return
    While we're on the way to there
    Why not share
    And the load
    Doesn't weigh me down at all
    He ain't heavy, he's my brother

    He's my brother
    He ain't heavy, he's my brother...
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    Oct 12, 2011 3:01 PM GMT
    I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know you recognize it is not the end of the world, but that does not make it hurt any less.

    There is a lot of great advice from the posters above, so I won't reiterate it.

    However, I will say that based on your posts on RJ you seem to be a very intelligent young man so I'm sure you will take the path that works best for you.

    I hope it all works out for both of you.
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    Oct 12, 2011 3:56 PM GMT
    I agree with KSU, I just think the guy is going through so much he is not ready to be in a relationship. You are an awesome guy Deki, and did so much for him. I'd just be his friend and then once he gets his life together maybe something will materialize. If not it sounds like you've made a great friend!