Do Gay Guys Support Other Gay Men?

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    Oct 12, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    So I wanted to get some perspective from people in relationships on here to see if it was a matter of location or age or other individual factors or just the factors of jealousy/spite... here goes.

    I'm wondering- do you find that gay guys (friends/ random people at the bar/ whomever) are supportive or encouraging of your relationship?

    The backstory: I was out a few nights in a row last week in LA and when out with my man not only did people stop, blatantly stare, and then whisper about it, quite a few people felt the need to mean mug both of us (at seperate times) from less than 10 feet away...

    I'm genuinely curious if this happens frequently at gay bars or what because I've been trying to come up with a good excuse for people's blatant weirdness and I cant seem to find one lol. icon_confused.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    running11 saidI'm wondering- do you find that gay guys (friends/ random people at the bar/ whomever) are supportive or encouraging of your relationship?

    My experience is yes, very supportive. At first my partner's friends were leery of me, knowing he had gotten entangled with a few guys in the past who were takers & leeches. But when I bought him a new car outright, put solely in his name as a gift, and began paying most of the household bills, they realized I was no gold digger.

    He's fortunate to have friends who are so protective of him, and now they're my friends, too. In fact, hubby says his friends like me more than him. Not true, of course, it's me who actually rides his coattails in this community, he who gets me entrées everywhere, and makes me accepted & popular.

    And this support of other gay men goes beyond your question. When my partner has been hospitalized for serious issues, our gay friends came forward to drive me to the hospital and back, because they knew I was becoming exhausted with the strain of being at his bedside all day, and not really supposed to drive anyway. And brought food to our door for me.

    And now that I'm leaving for radiation cancer treatment 5 days a week at 6:30 AM, a number of them volunteered to drive me, though we never asked for any help. That allows my partner to sleep in a little, and then go to his office at an HIV/AIDS non-profit where he works part-time.

    We both have a wonderful gay support network here, that mirrors the camaraderie I knew in the US Army. And that I never found in the straight community. The gay community is the most embracing I've ever known, and another reason I'm happy, proud & humbled to be part of it. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    I've witnessed this a number of times and I think a lot of it has to do with jealously/others insecurities. I''ve also noticed a number of my straight girl friends acting the same way, and it's really unattractive behavior.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:06 PM GMT
    My honest answer is it depends what kind of match-up you have going on - the "cute couple" always is way more accepted than something more progressive like a bi-racial couple or a daddy/son couple or your friend that is a 10 that is going out with a 1.

    My match is close in age, height/weight, we dress similar, and we look pretty good together. It is a lot easier for us than most of my friends who are less into "dating themselves" and more into the "exotics." I am very open minded of their choices, even if I don't "get it," however my other friends at brunch generally resort to doing the "He is a 1, why is he with a 10" or worse, after their second mimosa.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:06 PM GMT
    Gay men can be very catty, viscious, and disingenuous. Of course not all but some. Once you get stabbed in the back a few times, you eventually learn who is worthy of trust and who is not. Just have to err on the side of caution and trust your instincts.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    Quite frankly if you're out with your man, then you should really be focused on him and not other gay men.

    Just sayin'!
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:14 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidMy honest answer is it depends what kind of match-up you have going on - the "cute couple" always is way more accepted than something more progressive like a bi-racial couple or a daddy/son couple or your friend that is a 10 that is going out with a 1.

    My match is close in age, height/weight, we dress similar, and we look pretty good together. It is a lot easier for us than most of my friends who are less into "dating themselves" and more into the "exotics." I am very open minded of their choices, even if I don't "get it," however my other friends at brunch generally resort to doing the "He is a 1, why is he with a 10" or worse, after their second mimosa.


    its interracial thus always causing haters but i wanted to get responses based on not that.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:17 PM GMT
    Chainers saidQuite frankly if you're out with your man, then you should really be focused on him and not other gay men.

    Just sayin'!


    This is a discussion we had together so im not exactly worried.

    You should know me better than that and that i would do nothing but be amazing to my man. Just saying....
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:19 PM GMT
    My partner and I have always been treated with respect and everyone has always been supportive... that's not saying that sometimes someone doesn't want to get into our pants. lol
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:20 PM GMT
    running11 said
    Chainers saidQuite frankly if you're out with your man, then you should really be focused on him and not other gay men.

    Just sayin'!


    This is a discussion we had together so im not exactly worried.

    You should know me better than that and that i would do nothing but be amazing to my man. Just saying....


    Didnt mean to offend running11. All I meant to say was fuck whoever is against you and this "mystery man" (hehe) that you're with They are just jellie because you got something good going on.

    That is all.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:24 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    running11 said
    Chainers saidQuite frankly if you're out with your man, then you should really be focused on him and not other gay men.

    Just sayin'!


    This is a discussion we had together so im not exactly worried.

    You should know me better than that and that i would do nothing but be amazing to my man. Just saying....


    Didnt mean to offend running11. All I meant to say was fuck whoever is against you and this "mystery man" (hehe) that you're with They are just jellie because you got something good going on.

    That is all.


    i meant as a fellow lover of being "on bottom" you would know ;) no worries lol
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:33 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidMy honest answer is it depends what kind of match-up you have going on - the "cute couple" always is way more accepted than something more progressive like a bi-racial couple or a daddy/son couple or your friend that is a 10 that is going out with a 1.

    My match is close in age, height/weight, we dress similar, and we look pretty good together. It is a lot easier for us than most of my friends who are less into "dating themselves" and more into the "exotics." I am very open minded of their choices, even if I don't "get it," however my other friends at brunch generally resort to doing the "He is a 1, why is he with a 10" or worse, after their second mimosa.


    running11: I think this pretty much explains the confused/nasty looks. Certain people in the gay community, for whatever reason, do not think interracial couples "look good together" -- no matter how good looking both individuals are. icon_wink.gif I'm sure it never occurred to them that a bi-racial couple and a "cute couple" might be the same thing (*gasp*).

    Then again, I'm sure others were just jelly, but that can happen to any couple.

    People should mind their own goddam business, but some gay guys are like crabs in the barrel: if one tries to escape the misery someone else will try to pull him back in. Thankfully, this is not the majority of the community.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:38 PM GMT
    Come to Europe running11, you won't get that kind of behavior here!

    From my experience; i have always smiled out of joy to see 2 men holding hands, being a couple.
    Nothing is more fantastic than to see 2 guys in a relationship. icon_razz.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    I was going to ask "Are you two what most would call a mismatch?" (Remember that episode of Will & Grace? LOL)

    Then you revealed that you are interracial. Say no more.

    One of my exes (who was/is a gorgeous, very fit muscular guy who happened to be black) and I experienced a lot of weirdness. Beyond the many who saw our relationship as a mismatch based solely on race, other gays made a LOT of assumptions about our relationship, particularly our sex life. We also would have random guys come up to us to ask/discuss how hot our sex life must be with two fit guys, etc etc.

    And then we'd have the creepers who, for example if one us would go the restroom, would besiege the remaining party- lots of black guys hitting on me, lots of white guys hitting on him...as if race were some sort of #1 indicator for why we were a couple. It was a rather disheartening social observation. I also caught a lot of flack from other white gays who would try to flirt with me and then snap at my disinterest with "Oh you must be one of those chocolate chasers." Ugh.

    Sidebar: This for some reason always reminded me of women who target men with wedding bands or men who wear wedding bands to attract a certain kind single woman. Dunno why as it's not a logical correlation.

    We/I always shrugged all the foolishness off. Who cares what other people think...what matters is what the relationship's participants think and feel.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    spaghettimonster saidMy honest answer is it depends what kind of match-up you have going on - the "cute couple" always is way more accepted than something more progressive like a bi-racial couple or a daddy/son couple or your friend that is a 10 that is going out with a 1.

    My match is close in age, height/weight, we dress similar, and we look pretty good together. It is a lot easier for us than most of my friends who are less into "dating themselves" and more into the "exotics." I am very open minded of their choices, even if I don't "get it," however my other friends at brunch generally resort to doing the "He is a 1, why is he with a 10" or worse, after their second mimosa.


    running11: I think this pretty much explains the confused/nasty looks. Certain people in the gay community, for whatever reason, do not think interracial couples "look good together" -- no matter how good looking both individuals are. icon_wink.gif I'm sure it never occurred to them that a bi-racial couple and a "cute couple" might be the same thing (*gasp*).

    Then again, I'm sure others were just jelly, but that can happen to any couple.

    People should mind their own goddam business, but some gay guys are like crabs in the barrel: if one tries to escape the misery someone else will try to pull him back in. Thankfully, this is not the majority of the community.


    just wanted some explanation for the death stares icon_smile.gif they jellie bro
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI was going to ask "Are you two what most would call a mismatch?" (Remember that episode of Will & Grace? LOL)

    Then you revealed that you are interracial. Say no more.

    One of my exes (who was/is a gorgeous, very fit muscular guy who happened to be black) and I experienced a lot of weirdness. Beyond the many who saw our relationship as a mismatch based solely on race, other gays made a LOT of assumptions about our relationship, particularly our sex life. We also would have random guys come up to us to ask/discuss how hot our sex life must be with two fit guys, etc etc.

    And then we'd have the creepers who, for example if one us would go the restroom, would besiege the remaining party- lots of black guys hitting on me, lots of white guys hitting on him...as if race were some sort of #1 indicator for why we were a couple. It was a rather disheartening social observation. I also caught a lot of flack from other white gays who would try to flirt with me and then snap at my disinterest with "Oh you must be one of those chocolate chasers." Ugh.

    We/I always shrugged all the foolishness off. Who cares what other people think...what matters is what the relationship's participants think and feel.


    this. This. This.
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    Why as I, a random person at a bar, care about your relationship and support it? I dont understand your question.
  • JP85257

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    Oct 12, 2011 5:48 PM GMT
    I support my friends. I Vet their boyfriends before I allow them to proceed. They always ask my opinion. I give the honest truth and if you dont like it.....Sorry.....
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    running11 said
    TroyAthlete said
    spaghettimonster saidMy honest answer is it depends what kind of match-up you have going on - the "cute couple" always is way more accepted than something more progressive like a bi-racial couple or a daddy/son couple or your friend that is a 10 that is going out with a 1.

    My match is close in age, height/weight, we dress similar, and we look pretty good together. It is a lot easier for us than most of my friends who are less into "dating themselves" and more into the "exotics." I am very open minded of their choices, even if I don't "get it," however my other friends at brunch generally resort to doing the "He is a 1, why is he with a 10" or worse, after their second mimosa.


    running11: I think this pretty much explains the confused/nasty looks. Certain people in the gay community, for whatever reason, do not think interracial couples "look good together" -- no matter how good looking both individuals are. icon_wink.gif I'm sure it never occurred to them that a bi-racial couple and a "cute couple" might be the same thing (*gasp*).

    Then again, I'm sure others were just jelly, but that can happen to any couple.

    People should mind their own goddam business, but some gay guys are like crabs in the barrel: if one tries to escape the misery someone else will try to pull him back in. Thankfully, this is not the majority of the community.


    just wanted some explanation for the death stares icon_smile.gif they jellie bro


    The jealousy thing, I've seen it time and yet again. My friends (gay guys and girls) will ignore a great guy, and the minute he's taken -- THEN they want to steal him. WTF?

    People tend to want what they cannot have and gays are no exception. For some, guys are instantly more attractive once they are spoken for.

    So honestly, you never know what people are thinking when they stare. Some might be jealous of your obvious happiness together. Some might be intrigued by the interracial aspect, as RunintheCity described. Some might have...aheam...questionable views about interracial relationships, as illustrated by spaghettimonster.

    And some might even be looking because they're thinking "aww, they look great together."

    It's just impossible to know what prompts the dreaded gay men death stares haha! But like you say, "fuck em" (unless they're happy for you and the looks are supportive; in that case "smooches").
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:52 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidWhy as I, a random person at a bar, care about your relationship and support it? I dont understand your question.


    i agree i may not have conveyed it as clearly as possible but was trying to basically ask if you saw a gay couple together (knowing them or not) would you be supportive or disrespectful as some seem to be....
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    Oct 12, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said

    The jealousy thing, I've seen it time and yet again. My friends (gay guys and girls) will ignore a great guy, and the minute he's taken -- THEN they want to steal him. WTF?

    People tend to want what they cannot have and gays are no exception. For some, guys are instantly more attractive once they are spoken for.

    So honestly, you never know what people are thinking when they stare. Some might be jealous of your obvious happiness together. Some might be intrigued by the interracial aspect, as RunintheCity described. Some might have...aheam...questionable views about interracial relationships, as illustrated by spaghettimonster.

    And some might even be looking because they're thinking "aww, they look great together."


    Which is why I mentioned the whole "going after a guy with a ring" thing.

    If a guy/girl sees someone in a relationship and find that person more attractive because he or she has evidenced the ability to commit...why pursue in the hope of breaking that commitment? Because if he does that with you, he'll do it with someone else!

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    Oct 12, 2011 6:10 PM GMT
    running11 said
    Dallasfan824 saidWhy as I, a random person at a bar, care about your relationship and support it? I dont understand your question.


    i agree i may not have conveyed it as clearly as possible but was trying to basically ask if you saw a gay couple together (knowing them or not) would you be supportive or disrespectful as some seem to be....


    I think you were perfectly clear.

    I've given affirming smiles and nods to couples. And when I've been one-half of a couple, I've been on the receiving end of the same. Hell, I've even had people start friendly conversations or say supportive comments referencing my relationship. It happened multiple times at a gay sports bar last Sunday, for example.

    In a community not exactly known for having a plethora of committed relationships, I don't think there's anything confusing about being supportive of that when we see it. At least not for friendly and approachable people.
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    Oct 12, 2011 6:18 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidMy honest answer is it depends what kind of match-up you have going on - the "cute couple" always is way more accepted than something more progressive like a bi-racial couple or a daddy/son couple or your friend that is a 10 that is going out with a 1.....


    I've seen this...and I would add economic status and weight/body type to the mix too.

    This isn't exclusive in gay circles either. Plenty of heteros appoint themselves as guardians of what constitutes an "acceptable" couple. icon_confused.gif

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    Oct 12, 2011 6:19 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidI looked at your pics and didn't see a pic of your bf ... so I would have to say ... they took one look at you and thought, "Fuck, Dammit', I want him!!"


    well thanks for the nice compliment. I appreciate that icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 12, 2011 6:22 PM GMT
    This happens all the time.

    Not exclusive to gay couples...plenty of heteros with too much time on their hands, sizing up each 1/2 of the couple, judging who belongs with whom.

    I'd just ignore it. Most of the time when people don't approve of something, it just means they're jealous of you...