Breaking up with someone... And turning it into a friendship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2011 11:48 PM GMT
    OK, I apologize if this is a frequently posted topic but I really feel like I need an objective opinion on this.

    Back story: I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, after finding out that he's been cheating on me with several guys (just a couple of weeks after I already caught him and forgave him). I know this will sound crazy to anyone outside the situation, but I know that he's genuinely devastated that he hurt me and that he still loves me. I still love him, but I really can't continue being in a relationship with him (this was just the drop of water that made the vase overflow... er, la goutte qui fait déborder le vase. not sure if that translates well lol).
    Anyway, in the end I still want to be his friend though, since we do get along really well.
    But what's the best way to do this? I already find myself wanting to hang out with him immediately, but I'm afraid this will just make it more painful and awkward for the both of us. And I'm even more afraid that I'll give in to getting back with him again, even though nothing good can come out of that.

    Is it better to break contact completely for a while before attempting the friendship thing? Or is it possible to ease into a friendship immediately?


    TLDR; Broke up with bf, still want to be his friend, what's the best way to do this?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2011 11:51 PM GMT
    Wait. Both of you need time to process. When you're ready for a friendship, then let it start again. On new terms.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2011 11:51 PM GMT
    If you were hurt greatly then you should keep separate. I was hurt a lot earlier this year and don't want contact. If it doesn't really matter to both of you "BOTH" then continue seeing the person.
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    Oct 12, 2011 11:57 PM GMT
    yeah, i hear that a lot. I guess it's just hard for me to evaluate how "hurt" I am. Part of me feels like I'm already over it, since I've already kind of known about his cheating for a while now and already processed it...
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 13, 2011 12:33 AM GMT
    You need space and distance to process this.

    I really don't understand why you'd want to be friends with someone you can't trust, though.
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    Oct 13, 2011 12:42 AM GMT


    This is the hardest part... Staying friends are great as long as you no longer have expectations.. I believe you know what I mean by not having them.... If he means a lot to you, then Stay friends, if you desire... But look out for yourself first and foremost.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 12:46 AM GMT
    take some time for yourself - even if you feel that your already over it. In time if the friendship is meant to be it will prosper and flourish, or you will decide to move on cleanly. There is no right or wrong here just do what feels right in your gut - all you can do is trust your instincts.
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    wait like a year and/or until you're in another relationship. you need lotsss of space to see clearly at this point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    la goutte qui fait déborder le vase = the straw that broke the camel's back
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    Is there no chance for you guys getting back together in an open relationship?

    Why did you break up with him? Did you break up because of a broken heart with irreparably damaged trust? Or more because of hurt pride and self-confidence?

    Your Ex clearly can't limit himself to just one sex-partner at this point. Do you guys love each other enough to handle occasional straying? Just a suggestion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    Having a BF and being cheated on. You'll hear all the sob stories, he couldn't help it, he was drunk, he was hurt and wanted to get back at me, he is a man after all and just couldn't help it - that's the reason he cheated. All Bull! He cheated because he wanted to and has no regard for you. Friends like that you don't need. Move on!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 3:58 AM GMT
    People who care about you don't hurt you. You want to be friends because you feel you need him, and even though you know you don't want to get back together because you have dignity and self respect (or at least I would hope so), you probably feel you still need him in your life somehow.

    Let me tell you, it's really bs. Some people can do it, others cant. Either way, if you genuinely want to have a healthy friendship, you're gonna have to take a break from him. You don't need to get back with someone who does bs to you, and if he truly wants your friendship, he'll understand that you need time so you both can start fresh.

    It's never worked for me, but i've seen it happen. Just give it time. Lots of time.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Oct 13, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    First...I have to agree with others that a little time apart will give ya time to lick your wounds...start anew...Second...You're gonna need to set boundaries...without those you could become a fuck buddy...seen this happen before....Lastly...Are you lookin for a friendship or are ya tryin to hold on to the past?....Sometimes when it's finished it's for a good reason.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 7:02 AM GMT
    How can you be friends? .... He may have other friends you don't know and therefore according to your rules he would be cheating in that way too.
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    Oct 13, 2011 7:07 AM GMT
    I've had a number of nice clean break ups, and can't imagine what there would be to talk about with an ex. I don't hate any of them, but I'm not thinking of having any bar-b-ques for them either. I learned to leave the past IN the past.

    icon_cool.gif
  • djzilla

    Posts: 138

    Oct 13, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    My partner is really good friends with 2 of his previous bfs. I'm ok with it most of the time. One I really like a lot and would equate him to my bf's best friend. So I'm really cool with him. The other ex I think is not healthy for my bf sometimes but it's his decision and I don't feel I have a right to say he shouldn't be friends with so and so.

    They aren't going to hook up or anything so sure. Be friends.

    That being said I don't even speak to my ex. LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:18 PM GMT
    I'm really good friends with my ex of 11 years. We sort of never skipped a beat and continued to hang out after our breakup; partially because we didn't have many other friends, sadly.

    I do think it's healthy to have some space apart though. Sometimes I think my ex and I remained too close after our breakup. I think you have to take it on a case by case basis and don't believe people who say you need 3 months or 6 months or some arbitrary amount of time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    Well it's nice that you want to try and be friends with your ex but you need something in a friendship just like you do in any type of relationship: Trust.

    You didn't get it as a BF (hence him cheating and all) and I doubt you'll get it as a friend so you should just let him go and not keep someone in your life who will make you regretful of your decision. If you guys had gotten along as well as you claimed then he would never have been in the arms of someone else multiple times.

    You can be friendly with him but I wouldn't want to be a friend with him. Being friends with an ex works for some depending on the situation but in your case I don't think it's a good idea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    He can be an acquaintance, but a friend?

    Maybe I have a pretty narrow definition of friend, but I couldn't consider someone a friend who would deal me such a deep betrayal.
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    Oct 13, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    Well, I'd say there are a couple of things here to comment on. One being the issues surrounding the cheating. It's clear that he needs something he feels he's not getting from you. It could be just the excitement of 'other guys' or the way it feels with other guys or something. If there's a relationship still with the two of you, then you need to discuss that and get it into the open. If you want to go back to him then there needs to be an understanding of what this is, how to work with it together, sound boundaries acceptable to both of you and then go from there. If you're not feeling like his desires are workable, then move on.

    As for friends after bf? I have two ex bfs that I remain in touch with by my choice. Yes, it can be done. One of the two was a very hurtful breakup but I really like the guy. It took us a while to reconnect but I still like and respect him, I just didn't believe that we could be an item as there are too many areas of concerns for each of us. I have a bf of over a year now and he knows I keep in touch with my ex's and has no issue with that. I tell him everything and the open communications keeps from any secrets and speculations. It can work! Good luck.
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    Oct 13, 2011 4:15 PM GMT
    mnemonick saidOK, I apologize if this is a frequently posted topic but I really feel like I need an objective opinion on this.

    Back story: I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, after finding out that he's been cheating on me with several guys (just a couple of weeks after I already caught him and forgave him). I know this will sound crazy to anyone outside the situation, but I know that he's genuinely devastated that he hurt me and that he still loves me. I still love him, but I really can't continue being in a relationship with him (this was just the drop of water that made the vase overflow... er, la goutte qui fait déborder le vase. not sure if that translates well lol).
    Anyway, in the end I still want to be his friend though, since we do get along really well.
    But what's the best way to do this? I already find myself wanting to hang out with him immediately, but I'm afraid this will just make it more painful and awkward for the both of us. And I'm even more afraid that I'll give in to getting back with him again, even though nothing good can come out of that.

    Is it better to break contact completely for a while before attempting the friendship thing? Or is it possible to ease into a friendship immediately?


    TLDR; Broke up with bf, still want to be his friend, what's the best way to do this?




    What's the point in being friends with someone you are keen on breaking up with? icon_neutral.gif
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Oct 13, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidIs there no chance for you guys getting back together in an open relationship?

    Why did you break up with him? Did you break up because of a broken heart with irreparably damaged trust? Or more because of hurt pride and self-confidence?

    Your Ex clearly can't limit himself to just one sex-partner at this point. Do you guys love each other enough to handle occasional straying? Just a suggestion.


    The poster deserves a guy who loves him enough to see ONLY HIM. When I am in a relationship I have absolutely no interest in being with anyone else sexually, because I love that guy and only want him. Why should he have to have an open relationshipt that he does not want for some ass.

    To the poster: I don't understand why you'd want to be friends with a guy who continuously cheated on you, but if you are going to I say give it some time and space and then become friends, starting new. Hope this helps
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    I don't see what the big deal is about being friends with your ex. I think it shows a level of maturity.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Oct 13, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidMaybe I have a pretty narrow definition of friend, but I couldn't consider someone a friend who would deal me such a deep betrayal.


    This x1000. If I can't trust someone, then they are not my friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 13, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    Time. Time. Time

    My ex-bf went on and on about how he wanted to be friends. I just smiled and nodded because I knew what was coming. He moved out of the damn state within a month and broke all contact icon_razz.gif

    The best thing you can do it keep the possibility open, tell him you need time and then just let it work out how it does.

    I like the idea of waiting a year.