My best freind's boyfriend..just met him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2008 2:52 PM GMT
    Don't like him. I sensed a lot of negative shit in his personality. But I think I will keep my opinion to myself. What would you do?
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    May 22, 2008 3:14 PM GMT
    I'd stay out of it and let the relationship run its course.
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    May 22, 2008 3:16 PM GMT
    I'd let him know how you think, but that either way you'd let him decide what do with him. Ask him what he sees in him and maybe you'll get a better understanding of why he's with him.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    May 22, 2008 3:18 PM GMT
    Give the boyfriend a chance. Maybe he was just nervous around his boyfriend's friend's and he will warm up in time and you will form a better opinion of him.
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    May 22, 2008 3:25 PM GMT
    In the same situation. My best friend has been seeing someone for a few months now and I just don't get it. At all. And I don't need to; its about my friend after all... but he doesnt look like he is having fun with this guy, says things are great, but whenever they are together its like they suck the life out of each other. They just sit there like grannies. Haven't said a word about it, but it bothers me.
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    May 22, 2008 3:36 PM GMT
    Just love your boyfriend. Always be kind...respect him. Everything else will fall into place.
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    May 22, 2008 4:00 PM GMT
    Been there on both sides. Choose your timing and words wisely if you care to tell your friend about how you feel about his boyfriend. Rose-colored googles could be affecting his vision, or he could know that his bf is a bit of Negative Nelly and still love him inspite of it.

    Since it's his choice to be with this guy, let him make the first move and ask your opinion. In otherwords, follow your instinct; it seems to be a good one and will keep your friend around long after this boyfriend is gone.
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    May 22, 2008 4:04 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidGive the boyfriend a chance. Maybe he was just nervous around his boyfriend's friend's and he will warm up in time and you will form a better opinion of him.


    Maybe you are right. My friend and I have a solid plutonic relationship, and I'm sure he has talked to his new boyfriend about me a lot.....maybe the guy was nervous.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 22, 2008 4:04 PM GMT
    I'd want more information before taking any action.

    First impressions are very important, it sets the "agenda" so to speak on how you see a person... but they can be wrong in some instances. I'd watch the guy, get more information and make your decision based on additional information.

    If you find he is bad news, I'd tell your friend in a helpful way. Certainly dont' alienate him by just bad mouthing his new bf. Ask him some questions and interject your questions. Help him to analyze his new bf based on your concerns... not on negative criticism.
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    May 22, 2008 4:06 PM GMT
    LyteFyre saidI'd let him know how you think, but that either way you'd let him decide what do with him. Ask him what he sees in him and maybe you'll get a better understanding of why he's with him.


    Yeah...good advice. I need to hear more good stuff from my friend about his new boyfriend...maybe I will see things better.

    The boyfriend was kinda sarcastic and mean to me....which is ok....but I ain't a doormat.
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    May 22, 2008 4:08 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidI'd want more information before taking any action.

    First impressions are very important, it sets the "agenda" so to speak on how you see a person... but they can be wrong in some instances. I'd watch the guy, get more information and make your decision based on additional information.

    If you find he is bad news, I'd tell your friend in a helpful way. Certainly dont' alienate him by just bad mouthing his new bf. Ask him some questions and interject your questions. Help him to analyze his new bf based on your concerns... not on negative criticism.


    good advice.....I would never bad mouth the guy to my friend..no time in life for negative shit.
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    May 22, 2008 4:09 PM GMT
    palikari saidIn the same situation. My best friend has been seeing someone for a few months now and I just don't get it. At all. And I don't need to; its about my friend after all... but he doesnt look like he is having fun with this guy, says things are great, but whenever they are together its like they suck the life out of each other. They just sit there like grannies. Haven't said a word about it, but it bothers me.


    I know couples like that.....they suk the life out of each other....where's the fun?
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    May 22, 2008 4:15 PM GMT
    I'll take a stab. Maybe the new BF and you are realizing you'll have to share your best friend with each other. Sometimes that gets territorial (even subtly), and seemingly irrational emotions and reactions surface. I'm sure each of you has the other under a microscope a bit too, because you both care about your best friend. This is where I think it is important to remember roles. You bring to the relationship things the BF cannot provide, and vice-versa. Also, there's a dynamic between them that you cannot see which may compensate for things you feel are negative aspects of the new BF (sexual chemistry is the obvious thing that comes to mind).
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    May 22, 2008 4:26 PM GMT
    2 things I try to do in this and similar situations:

    Some opinions should be withheld until requested.

    Never come between a man and the knob he's slobbin.

    I'm just saying....
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    May 22, 2008 4:30 PM GMT
    Keep it to yourself. Your friend probably sees things through rose colored glasses at this point, so you only risk harming your friendship by speaking up at this point. Hang back and see what happens.
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    May 22, 2008 6:21 PM GMT
    There are lots of possibilities here. If your friend talked you up a lot before the new boyfriend met you, he may have felt some jealousy or competition. If that's the case, it's his problem not your's.
    He could have been in a bad mood or not ready yet to meet the friends [you] and nervousness may have been cause of sarcastic or defensive behavior. There may also be something going on in his life that you and your friend are unaware of.
    On the other hand, if he actually is negative or not really right for your friend, let him sink himself. It may take a while or not. Either way, it's their issue to deal with.
    So, just relax. Your friend is still your friend, and that's the important thing.
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    May 22, 2008 6:53 PM GMT
    This don't even deserve a response LOL.
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    May 22, 2008 7:52 PM GMT
    Its not your boyfriend so don't interfere let things run there course..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2008 7:56 PM GMT
    Always trust your instinct.......
    But, let it run its course.
    That is how people grow as individuals....
    Just be there for him......
    icon_rolleyes.gif

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    May 22, 2008 8:03 PM GMT
    I am with Kansan, you need more information. If you find out this guy is actual harming your friend in some way (verbally abusive, mooching money, etc) then it is your job as a friend to tell him that his boyfriend is no good.

    But a bad vibe isn't enough to go on. Give the guy a little more time.
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    May 22, 2008 8:10 PM GMT
    i don't think you should say anything just yet. could harm your friendship. i haven't always liked my friends' girl/boyfriends, but i've kept my mouth shut unless something seems awry with them after a while.

    one girl i know, we all dislike her boyfriend and we've told her we think he's a douche bag... she doesn't care, so she's still with him and she's happy. so be happy ur friend is happy. kick his ass if he ever hurts your friend.
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    May 22, 2008 8:11 PM GMT
    Well my best friend has gone out with:

    - a stalker;
    - a public exhibitionist;
    - a lying, drug-addicted socipath.

    Needless to say I have spent many hours hearing about my friend complaining about his boyfriends.

    I tried to keep my first impressions to myself, and frankly with the sociopath there was no indication how bad he really was (he was a sociopath after all). It was only when I started hearing the crap my friend was starting to put with that I put my two cents in.
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    May 22, 2008 9:08 PM GMT
    Not feeling the whole positive vibe with your good friends New boyfriend? Don't you dare say one thing negative about him right now. In fact, find anything positive you can about him and only mention those positive things about him. Allow yourself to fairly evaluate the situation by getting to know the guy a bit better.

    Sometimes first and even second impressions can be strained. There might be a little jealousy on the new boyfriends part, or just general nerves. Sometimes you might not even be aware that you yourself are a little apprehensive so every little quirk or comment rubs you wrong. Some people who are nervous result to being cold, maybe a bit rude, or "stand offish" to protect themselves thinking the other party doesn't care for them. You'll definitely know for sure where this new guy is at after a period of time. Right now offer him the benefit of the doubt.

    Saying anything negative about the new guy right now "might" come back to haunt you if the relationship doesn't work out. Your good friend might bring that up as being a factor in his relationship falling apart while he licks his emotional wounds and that just creates all kinds of shit that you don't want to deal with. If after a period of time you can clearly see the new BF doesn't care for you then blow it off. Trust that your long time platonic friend will clearly see by then the obvious dislike his BF has for you. Trust that your friend will clearly see certain negative traits his new guy might have as well. Let him decide how he wants to deal with that while you sit back and just remain amicable to the newbie. At that point try adopting a more indifferent approach to the new guy.

    I actually had and yes I do mean "had" a friend who felt more comfortable with his BF not caring for me and vice versa if that makes sense. He wanted to make sure that our time together as best friends was "our" time so he sorta helped to create the wedge. Thats a long story in itself but you might pay attention to see if that is happening as well. At a certain point your good friend is going to notice the negative vibe as well and if he isn't stepping in to see if he can "fix" or bridge the situation you've got to wonder why. He may be one of those that privately likes the distance the negativity provides. If thats the case be real careful. You've got a bigger problem with your buddy and thats a whole different can of worms. If it's all about the new guy just being bad news in general you have to allow your friend to take that journey. If there is someone or a few people that can validate all the bad news perhaps after a period of time you can encourage them to speak to your friend. Just be careful and realize what will happen if you open your mouth.

    So right now.. sit back, be friendly and observe.
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    May 22, 2008 9:18 PM GMT
    Remind your best friend:
  • joeindallas

    Posts: 484

    May 22, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    Give it a couple of weeks and then ask your friend out for drinks or lunch. Be open to him and tell him and be rational what you do not like about his new BF. Tell him no matter what you are there for him and if he ever needs to talk of more you will be there.