coming out to old traditional parents

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    Oct 14, 2011 2:37 PM GMT
    My parents been on my back for a long time about finding a girl and getting married, but I never told them about me. I am not out to anyone. Also They are very old and worried the news will give them a stroke or put them in the hospital. It seems I have to just keep it within me.

    I have no choice but to put up with their nagging about getting married. What do you think? I just don't have the heart to put it out on them, specially when they are both sick and fragile.
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    Oct 14, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    Dont take this in a negative way... but ur 40? I think if you've kept them in the dark this long they'll be more disappointed that youve lied to them your whole life then the fact that you are gay... to be honest, your not living in the house anymore, and your probably your own person... enjoy life and keep them in the dark, as wrong as that sounds...
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    Oct 14, 2011 2:52 PM GMT
    I agree with you 100% , thank you for your advice.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Oct 14, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    My parents are (were) older too - and not at all supportive of homosexuals.
    At one point, when the prospect of marriage was mentioned, I simply said "it's not going to happen for me." and that ended it.
    I never had "the talk" - I know they didn't want to hear it, and if they did, then they'd have to deal with it. But they knew, I'm sure of that.
    Your parents probably know too, but if it's not out in the open, then they don't have to respond to it. You don't have to come out to anyone you don't want to, for what ever reason, regardless of what anyone tells you.
    I'd encourage coming out to anyone, when it's in everyone's best intrest. For me, coming out to my parents wasn't something I wanted to do. Everyone has to do what they feel is best.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Oct 14, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    Hot house is right in that sometimes it's best not to come out and that you don't have to come out to anyone you don't want to. You still MAY want to weigh the pros and cons of coming out, especailly to a group of friends that you can create who will be excepting. It is lonely in the closet. Also, will you regret not coming out after they have passed? That they never fully knew you? I just think you should weigh both sides. I still wish I came out to my aunt and have no idea why, because I know she would not care.
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    Oct 14, 2011 3:44 PM GMT
    if i came out to them, which i have thought about, they would in the long run make me feel like i have a handicap, they will look at me differently, even though they will still love me, things will change. Also they would want me to fix it, so going to therapy and such, which in their mind would be helpful etc.. to me that is all crap, my feelings are mine alone, and i have looked at the cons, it would create a hell of a life for me. Right now i have tons of friends that accept me for me, without knowing that part of me, so it is not like i do not have friends and love ones.

    If i ever connect with someone that way, he will only know. I have told my parents that marriage is not for me, they are slowly accepting it, but as they get older and worry about dying, they want to finish their job by seeing me married, they do not know that majority of people that are married are miserable and divorced with kids.

    It is good to know and share my feelings with you guys, thank you for your support and now i feel better.
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    Oct 14, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    Don't know how your dating life is, but staying closeted really does make it harder to find a better half. Not only does it narrow your search.. But once you find someone you really like, you have the added hurdle of them being comfortable dating someone anonymously.

    Part if the reason guys look forward to dating (gay or not) is expanding on their social circle of friends, and family. So you probably have already thought about all that. But I wanted to voice it because when I was single, it was moderated important to me in considering someone as a long term partner.
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    Oct 14, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    You will most likely be pleasantly surprised. My parents are very conservative, would frequently drop the f-bomb (and no, not fuck), and would always push us to succeed. I was TERRIFIED to come out to them and even thought my parents might split up because of it because my dad would resent my mom thinking it is her fault for giving me too much affection. My mom would also ask all the time about girls and try to suggest ones I should ask out.

    Well I came out and long story short, my mom told me she thinks people are born gay and she is fine with me being one of them, and my dad told me he loves me and wants me to be happy. What a shocker this all was.

    You might be just as shocked as I was at how accepting and loving they are.
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    Oct 14, 2011 7:23 PM GMT
    if you have siblings they will get over it. If you are an only child promise them you will get someone pregnant. All they want is grandchildren.
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    Oct 14, 2011 7:25 PM GMT
    dekiruman saidif you have siblings they will get over it. If you are an only child promise them you will get someone pregnant. All they want is grandchildren.


    You are a bad person. icon_wink.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Oct 14, 2011 7:26 PM GMT
    Most people tend to change their opinion about homosexuality when they realize that they actually KNOW a homosexual (YOU) and see that all of their prejudices were unfounded.

    TELL THEM.
    The next time they nag you about not dating girls, don't even pause.
    TELL THEM.

    Trust me, it won't kill them.
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    Oct 14, 2011 7:36 PM GMT
    "Traditional" parents in what sense?
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    Oct 14, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    Traditional like old fashioned that a man should like a women, and their religion even teaches that it is wrong.
  • iowaboy86

    Posts: 12

    Oct 14, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    KSUOWL saidYou will most likely be pleasantly surprised. My parents are very conservative, would frequently drop the f-bomb (and no, not fuck), and would always push us to succeed. I was TERRIFIED to come out to them and even thought my parents might split up because of it because my dad would resent my mom thinking it is her fault for giving me too much affection. My mom would also ask all the time about girls and try to suggest ones I should ask out.

    Well I came out and long story short, my mom told me she thinks people are born gay and she is fine with me being one of them, and my dad told me he loves me and wants me to be happy. What a shocker this all was.

    You might be just as shocked as I was at how accepting and loving they are.


    icon_lol.gif Exactly what happened to me.. to the T. It definitely makes me appreciate my family more
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    Oct 14, 2011 10:44 PM GMT
    graphicb saidI agree with you 100% , thank you for your advice.


    Totally agree with both of you... at that age, when they are alraedy older, to tell them is not really conducive to your relationship with them and them living out their nice old days in peace if they are of the real traditional type... I would not tell them if I were you... and just be happy with things the way they are... sometimes, secrecy really is best
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    Oct 14, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    graphicb saidif i came out to them, which i have thought about, they would in the long run make me feel like i have a handicap, they will look at me differently, even though they will still love me, things will change.
    [...] Right now i have tons of friends that accept me for me, without knowing that part of me, so it is not like i do not have friends and love ones.

    If i ever connect with someone that way, he will only know. I have told my parents that marriage is not for me, they are slowly accepting it, but as they get older and worry about dying, they want to finish their job by seeing me married, they do not know that majority of people that are married are miserable and divorced with kids.

    It is good to know and share my feelings with you guys, thank you for your support and now i feel better.


    Yes, your parents will finally see you for whom you are, not the image stuck on you (with your encouragement) which is a false image. That is a most unfortunate handicap that you have been encouraging, though not originally self inflicted.
    You are missing out on being who you really are, so is your family, and so are your friends. You are burdened with hiding in a lie that is unnecessary. And yes, you can get married to another man (you're in Canada!), and love just like in all those mushy love songs that make people cry with happiness. Why you continue to hide and deny yourself happiness is beyond my comprehension.
    Be your own real self (accountability). Evolve. Be proud. Accept that you are gay and know that it is a non-issue. Some people will always be bigots and haters, there's no end to that. The least you can do is don't deny yourself the freedom to soar proudly like an eagle.
    Hugs.
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    Oct 14, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    my advice is to keep lying! its good in this situation! i think if a person (who you cant get rid of (like parents or family) DONT wanna understand your point of view due to being closed minded .just lieeee lie lie lie ,its good in this case=)
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    Oct 15, 2011 6:52 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidHere's what you do .. you go to your parents and make up some story ... Hey mom and dad have you ever known anyone that's gay?

    Wait and see how they respond. Who knows, they might just say, "Well, yes, you."

    And so if they do you asked them if you felt they could be a friend. When they ask why you tell them a friend you like a lot and have known a long time came out to you and now you are not sure about the friendship.

    If they tell you to drop the friend, ask them why.

    If they say keep the friend, nows your chance to clue them in that you think you might be gay too.

    This is their opportunity to say they'll disown you if are or say they'll love you no matter what.



    The only part I don't like about this is "make up some story." I loath people that are deceitful because it causes relationships to be built on lies which distort and destroy genuine possibilities for genuine hope and stable foundation. Perhaps this is a matter of semantics which is important to me. Instead I would suggest- "Present a scenario or situation ..." Know that your goal is to tell them the truth, and not to perpetuate lies, deceit, mistrust, or a questionable dubious relationship. Semantics may seem superficial but it's substantial in forming sound and trusted foundations.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Oct 15, 2011 7:52 PM GMT
    tell ur parents that you're gay.

    they're not gonna die or have a stroke because of it.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Oct 15, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    Life is too short to stay in the closet. It's one thing if you're 20 and still relying on your parents financially, but at 40 you need to come out. They may surprise you with their reaction and it would be a shame if they passed away without knowing the real you. Being out is also much less stressful.
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    Oct 15, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    waccamatt saidLife is too short to stay in the closet. It's one thing if you're 20 and still relying on your parents financially, but at 40 you need to come out. They may surprise you with their reaction and it would be a shame if they passed away without knowing the real you. Being out is also much less stressful.


    1- At your own pace.
    2- Substantially less stressful.

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    Oct 15, 2011 8:12 PM GMT
    graphicb saidMy parents been on my back for a long time about finding a girl and getting married, but I never told them about me. I am not out to anyone. Also They are very old and worried the news will give them a stroke or put them in the hospital. It seems I have to just keep it within me.

    I have no choice but to put up with their nagging about getting married. What do you think? I just don't have the heart to put it out on them, specially when they are both sick and fragile.

    My Mother died first without our ever discussing it. My Father was in the last year of his life, diagnosed terminally ill, when my Sister told me our parents always knew I was gay. And had told her about me, she 17, when I enlisted in the US Army.

    And I wanted to scream at her: "You three knew this, so why didn't anyone ever tell ME?" Because I was in deep denial back then at 20, and would have benefited from knowing before I went another 20+ years and made lots of stupid mistakes as a result.

    So anyway, now Dad's dying, and I finally know I'm gay. Do I tell him before he passes, and confirm for him what he already assumes?

    And I decided no. Every situation is different, every family dynamic unique. I judged that my Father (who would have been 100 this last September) came from a generation that imagined homosexuality to be "curable." And that marriage and 25 years in the Army had indeed cured me.

    I don't think he wanted me to be gay. And I didn't want to disappoint him. I didn't want to upset him in his last months, to spoil the real pride he had in me, when he'd take me to his favorite local haunt, the American Legion Hall, and introduce me all around as "my son the Colonel."

    I think at the end of his life he was really proud of me at last, something I never knew him to be before, always something of an underachiever compared to him and my Mother. I didn't want to ruin that pride, for his sake, and frankly, for mine, too.

    If there's a Heaven, he knows about me now anyway. If there's not, then he died happy in at least one regard. Much as I wanted to tell him, to share with him, I had to ask myself was I motivated to tell him for his good, or for my own? It hurt me to keep that secret from him, but I think it benefited him more. Sometimes we have to put others ahead of ourselves -- it's not all about us.

    You, OP, must judge your own circumstances for yourself. You heard what I did, and what others suggest. Not an easy decision, and I wish you, and your parents, the best.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Oct 15, 2011 8:34 PM GMT
    You have only two choices. You can either tell them or you can wait for them to die.