Advice... I met the most amazing guy, but...


  • Oct 16, 2011 1:03 AM GMT
    I am a college upperclassman and I am so confused... I don't even know what is happening right now in my life. I have always thought that I was straight, with a few bi-sexual tendencies. I always have only really liked and had relationships with girls. That is until this year. There is this freshman that the first time a saw him I actually thought wow he is really cute. But I really didn't think anything of it. Then I decided to rush a fraternity and who should be rushing at the same time... you guessed it, none other than the freshman I thought was cute. Anyways we are now pledge brothers and he has quickly become one of my close friends. Only now, I have found myself to really, really like him. In fact I have a huge crush on him, the kind with the daydreaming about him and wishing to see him at every moment. I have felt this way for over a month now. Plus everyday I think he is more and more amazing.

    The good new is he is gay. The problem is though that I always thought that I was straight and so does everyone else, including him. I can tell that he doesn't like me as anything more than a friend. I text him often and at times he doesn't respond or just gives really short answers, plus he never starts the conversations. He has made it very clear that he knows that I am straight and that he would never have feelings for me. Which I would normally have appreciated, but not this time. When I am with him everything just feels so right. I feel happy, confident, and not stressed at all (which is not normal for me). I find myself telling him things I have never told anyone else and laughing more than I ever have in my life. I know that he will never really like me, and trust me I have tried everything to get over him, but I can't. Plus I can't just not see him because I am his pledge brother. I really don't know what to do. I know that he does not want to be in a relationship with someone who confused and is just discovering their sexuality because he deserves so much more than that. I know that I need to get over him so I don't ruin our friendship, but its hard to just let him go because he is that amazing.

    So I guess does anyone have advice for how to get over him? Or how to find out if he could ever like me as more than a friend? Or just any advice...
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    Oct 16, 2011 1:11 AM GMT
    I have a really bad habit of what I call 'emotional vomit'. . . .I get in these moods where I tell myself 'Fuck the consequences, I'm going to tell this person how I feel' and sometimes it works out. . . and most of the time, it doesn't. You could do that, and tell him how you feel - and hope that it works out. . .

    Or, you could ignore it and hope that your feelings for him go away, and likely always look back and wonder 'What if?'
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    Oct 16, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    Why don't you tell him?

    He's gay so where's the problem? If he is your friend why shouldn't you tell him? And if he doesn't like you so what? He'll probably just accept it and treat you as usual.

    But you should be the one who knows him. So your decision ;)
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    Oct 16, 2011 1:01 PM GMT
    dont look at him as being a man or woman look at him at how he makes u feel and go from there.

    limiting urself to one gender is what causes problems.
  • WILDCARD73

    Posts: 545

    Oct 16, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    Advice... I met the most amazing guy, but...

    .......But cancels whats behind it, therefore he is not an amazing guy.....
    keep your distance from him for a few weeks and you will see the picture better
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    Oct 16, 2011 1:10 PM GMT
    You said,

    "He has made it very clear that he knows that I am straight and that he would never have feelings for me."

    Oh, you poor idiot, have you considered that he's STOPPING HIMSELF FROM DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR YOU precisely because he's finding it TOO EASY TO DEVELOP FEELINGS FOR YOU? The reason it's an issue in the first place -- the reason he's had to articulate that he sees you just as a friend for whom he could never develop feelings -- is that he's trying to convince himself that he should move on and not grow more attached to you (and the idea of being with you) than he is.

    Which would explain the short text replies. He's holding back. He doesn't want to gush.

    icon_rolleyes.gif

    Please remember -- this is just one of the possibilities; I've seen this a million times

    God.
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    Oct 16, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    sympathystrangr saidSo I guess does anyone have advice for how to get over him? Or how to find out if he could ever like me as more than a friend? Or just any advice...

    Sounds like you've got at least 2 issues: interest in this guy, and uncertainty about your own orientation. Perhaps you could combine the two.

    If you know for certain this guy is gay and out, not just a suspicion, you might approach him for advice about yourself. I know you're the upperclassman, but how many years age difference is that? And you're also connected by the fraternity experience.

    I also read your: "I know that he does not want to be in a relationship with someone who's confused and is just discovering their sexuality because he deserves so much more than that." But that sentence is conflicted, the first part saying it's his definite wish about a relationship, but the second part sounds more like it's really your own projection for him.

    Again, unless you have strong evidence that he doesn't want to get involved with a guy who's on his "learner's permit" you could be up-front and ask him for advice. But be aware that it obliges you to behave more like a hands-off friend with him, and less like it's a subterfuge to get into his pants. You may still get there, but it puts the ball more into his court, and maybe not until late in the game.

    In the meantime you could actually answer some of those questions about yourself, while enjoying his regular company that you seem to like. My gay "mentor" when I first came out was 10 years younger than me. We went everywhere together as he showed me the gay world, becoming great friends, and the community assumed we were lovers, lots of compliments about what a "great looking" couple we made on our "dates." Yet we never had sex.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Oct 16, 2011 9:28 PM GMT
    Unrequited love sucks. Sounds like you have a massive crush. Be sure to known that it easily clouds judgment and objectivity.

    Good luck and let us know how things develop.
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    Oct 19, 2011 3:14 AM GMT
    you need to break free from the prison of the perception of yourself and be bold and strong, you need to be who you want to be, not who you were or who you think you should be or what you think you should be, shape your life the way you want it shape and go for the man you likeicon_biggrin.gif