Holding off on sex.

  • kaccioto

    Posts: 284

    May 23, 2008 6:23 AM GMT
    My ex has been dating a genuine and ambitious guy who I've given my thumbs up to. They've been seeing each over the past two months, once or twice though the week. No sexual play of any kind besides kissing and cuddling, and he chooses to keep it this way for the two next months or so, even though he's highly sexually attracted to him.

    I tell him this is normal as his last string of guys were one night stands, and he can easily get guys b/c of his looks and just living in NYC.

    My other buddies, however, believe I'm out of line and that sex is an important part of a relationship, which I agree with 100%, but I think they miss my point.

    In this town, where sex is as common as a handshake, a little waiting makes the sex and ultimately the relationship standout. I do consider myself old-fashioned and conservative when it comes to relationships, despite my otherwise liberal tendencies.

    Is it really so abnormal to let the meat marinate a bit before you enjoy it?
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    May 23, 2008 6:37 AM GMT
    I think it's partly the fear of it being a let down - you wait and wait and the roast you've been waiting for turns out to not be all that great...

    I guess in my experience, though, waiting improved it. You let all these flavors of your relationship deepen and when you wait - when you finally decide to taste the meat (pardon the pun) - it is that much better. It isn't just a quick one-night-flash-fry - It's something you've prepared, built up to, seasoned, and finally climax to - with much more than just a burst of flavor, but an entire experience before, during, and after and with sustenance.
  • Mars

    Posts: 158

    May 23, 2008 8:56 AM GMT
    I think its great to put it off a little. If 2 people are really attracted to each other, then it doesn't hurt a thing. Take things in due time and you cant go wrong. Even if after the wait, "the roast" doesn't turn out to be all you'd hoped it would be,and you aren't sexually compatible, then at the very least you have had some time to really get to know someone who interested you for who they were. The intimate relationship may not work out but there is a strong possibility that you have made a new pal who might turn out to be a long term friend. In a way, I think it shows a rare kind of class!icon_wink.gif
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    May 23, 2008 9:03 AM GMT
    Or, you may hold off from sex and then find the both of you are incompatible in bed. Like, you're both bottoms.

    So you've wasted 2 months on faffing around playing Mills & Boon.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 23, 2008 10:40 AM GMT
    I can see and go by that if you're interested in a guy it's better to hold off on sex for a while
    because if you jump right into bed right away it always becomes about the sex
    But you need to find out if your sexually compatible too
    what if you put all that time and effort into the relationship and really start to care about this guy
    only to find out that you don't like him in bed
    I go by the three date rule
    by the third date the two of you should have consummated the relationship
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    May 23, 2008 11:33 AM GMT
    Maybe it's just me, but my 'sexual compatibility' has more to do with how I feel about a guy and less about whether he likes to do that thing I like.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16412

    May 23, 2008 11:58 AM GMT
    I think its a great idea if it works for them. It shows he's thinking and you have some real concern for him and his happiness.

    Who cares what others think, you deserve a pat on the back. Good luck to all of you.

  • kaccioto

    Posts: 284

    May 23, 2008 3:49 PM GMT
    Mars saidIn a way, I think it shows a rare kind of class!icon_wink.gif

    You've hit the nail on the head. Seems like less guys worth waiting for, or my ex isn't looking hard enough, or even maybe trying too hard to find him.

    I don't doubt a bit they'd be sexually compatible. They both tended bar through college and were big time whores, with a ton of experience lol.

    They're now both a bit older, have careers as priority, and want someone with the same mentality to share their time with. So it's a way to screen out the 8th Ave. one-dimensional sluts, and build something deeper at the same time. They both can easily get laid so it's not an issue of sex in itself, despite the headline.
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    May 23, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    I think it's great to wait. Sex in the gay community is so easily had, and relationships aren't, that when I date someone I typically try and wait a while. If we have sex the first time, that usually ruins it for me.

    But I also consider myself very old fashioned, but I agree with others that waiting to have sex is better. You actually get to know someone for who they are, not what they're like in bed.

    And all this talk about being unsure about sexual compatibility, um, no one ever said you weren't allowed to TALK about what you like sexually. Doesn't mean you have to act on it right away though.
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    May 23, 2008 4:25 PM GMT
    I think there is nothing wrong about waiting for sex with a guy you are really interested in. Personally it was a good idea for me since I always wanted to get comfortable with a guy before becoming intimate.

    In these sexually liberal days people think that sex between two consenting adults is no big deal and has no impact on either party. I have never totally agreed with this view, being physically intimate with another person, even in one-night stands, does impact one emotionally/spiritually even if it is only slightly.
  • Mars

    Posts: 158

    May 24, 2008 5:35 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidMaybe it's just me, but my 'sexual compatibility' has more to do with how I feel about a guy and less about whether he likes to do that thing I like.

    Precisely!! And knowing how you feel about someone always takes time.

    There is ALWAYS more than just one person in any relationship. If one really cares for the other, and both happen to prefer the same role, there should be compramise. Thats what real love is. If 2 people are only interested as indeviduals in what gets them off, then neither one is ready to be in that relationship.

    Personally, I don't like to bottom at all and I never have. But I would be willing to take that role for a guy that I really liked if he happened to be a top. When you love someone, giving them satisfaction (sexually or otherwise) is priceless. And that loved one should feel the same about you in return.

    It sounds like your ex has made a sound choice for himself by choosing to wait and obviously you agree. There is no need to rush or place time limits or quote rules of love (who the Hell made those rules anyway?) and place them into the context of the relationship that they are building together.

    Good luck to them both, and to you as well!!