should I propose

  • marius87

    Posts: 14

    Oct 17, 2011 2:20 PM GMT
    I'm in a really weird situation.

    I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I love him with all my heart and we've been through a number of ups and downs. I met him whilst I was in Israel during a study trip in 2008 and we've been together since. I spent 2 years living in israel with him and he's spent a year living with me in Australia. I was incredibly frustrated by my time in his country (lack of a real job and struggling to find my footing) and for the last year he's really struggled to find his place in Australia.

    I'm losing my mind trying to make sure everyone is happy and well adjusted. He is suffering from not being able to find his place in Australia and from constantly feeling like an outsider. Yet I also feel like he isn't really trying that hard.

    My real problem is that I'm trying to decide what the hell to do with my future. Is this guy the one? I love him and want to be with him but am trying to work out if that should mean I sacrifice everything I want to do it. I've been realizing over the last few months that being a grown up and having a grown up relationship means that sometimes you follow your man regardless of what it is that you superficially want.

    Do I ask him to spend the rest of his life with me? Or do I end it and follow whatever pipe dreams I have in the works? Their not mutually exclusive concepts but at the moment, considering out financial and visa expectations they're vastly different, and I'm going out of my mind trying to make a decision. I'm not asking y'all to make it for me, but any advice would be really appreciated.
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    Oct 17, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    I wouldn't propose right now. That is something you should be sure about.

    Try to imagine your life without him and see how it is. In my opinion, you should marry someone when you cannot live without them and need to be with them no matter what. That's the idea at least
  • buymeasoda

    Posts: 93

    Oct 17, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    it sounds like you really love him...BUT.... i believe that each person needs to fulfill there own life ambition and if that coincides with that of the one you love or you can make it work so each person gets what they want out of life then great. Otherwise there my be an underlying bitterness between you when you have given up Big dreams to be together.
    In my relationship we feel it is mine and his goal to help make each others dreams come true no matter how far fetched. This is how i will spend the rest of our lives, contributing to his dreams BUT he in return will do the same with mine

    hope this is clear enough...


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    Oct 17, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
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    Oct 17, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    marius87 saidI love him and want to be with him but am trying to work out if that should mean I sacrifice everything I want to do it.


    Relationships are sometimes about compromise but I don't think you should have to sacrifice everything you want - that's giving up way too much and you are changing yourself to suit someone else - that is the road to unhappiness in my opinion.

    Work out how you can get some of the things you want, some of the things you need, and what you can do without if you continue the relationship. If you can do that, then fantastic - but it doesn't sound like you're in a good position to be contemplating marriage right now, with this degree of amibivalence.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 17, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    One, even if you didn't have the shit you're dealing with, you're 23. No offense, but you probably have a lot more in this life to learn from, and committing yourself that young seems wrong because.... two, you don't seem compatible with him. There are always weird reasons why things can't work, and place seems to be the one here. I dated a kiwi I was crazy about, but I couldn't stay in NZ and he couldn't stay in the US. The reason I couldn't stay in NZ was that it meant giving up my career and goals in life to do it: if you do such a thing, you'll end up resenting your partner for making you do it.
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    Oct 17, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    Although love is great, it's not every thing in life. Unfortunately, the fact that you are so young means that you'll probably not spend the rest of your life with this person. It's a harsh dose of reality. Most likely, after you sacrifice your carrier goals for this person, you'll end up resenting him. That little resentment will grow and eventually result in your separation. My advice would be to focus on your carrier first & establish yourself. If it's true love then you two will eventually find your way back. I'm sorry to be pessimistic, but I think you needed some objectivity (which is hard to get when emotions are involved).
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    Oct 17, 2011 4:54 PM GMT
    Not yet
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    Oct 17, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    I'm not sure why you think getting married will resolve anything.

    If, as you say, the two of you have been through ups and downs and are better for it, then you'll get through this one too. If your relationship is mature enough then the two of you will find a way TOGETHER to work through whatever challenges are present. Neither one of you should "give up" your individual goals to make a marriage work for the both of you.

    Don't get married. I know you've been through a lot, but you have to go through some more first.
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