Feedback needed for class

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    Oct 18, 2011 1:12 AM GMT
    i wrote this for creative writing class, its a poem in anaphora format,

    feedback would be appreciated icon_smile.gif



    Belief.

    For some it is the reason we live, the essence, like water,

    For some it is the root of all problems, like cancer destroying everything in its path,

    For some it is insignificant almost irritating, like a buzzing fly that won’t go away,

    For some it is the cause of deep pain, yet for some it is the only comfort,

    For some it is a certain untruth obvious in its falsehood, like murder,

    For some it is so true, they would kill for it,


    For all it is the unknown and that is why we believe,

    For if we knew for certain,

    it would be known.

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    Oct 18, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    I read the title as "Facebook needed for class" and I was like uhhhh this isn't about Facebook at all.
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    Oct 18, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidNot bad. Maybe you could add a comma after the word "irritating" in the third line. Just looks like it needs some sort of pause between "irritating" and "almost".

    I could relate to it well.
    thank you! and i see your point about the comma.
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    Oct 18, 2011 1:52 AM GMT
    I liked the structure of the poem (does it compliment the subject, somehow?), the use of similes and the onomatopoeia of the buzzing fly. Structurally it looks interesting =]

    However, IMO, the content could use some sprucing up, it seems a bit 'on the nose'. Maybe play around with the syllabic rhythm and or some other techniques put in there too, like allusions/more imagery/alliteration etc to give it more flavour? Or are there reasons you have chosen that which you have? In which case, kudos.


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    Oct 18, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    _SAGE_ saidI liked the structure of the poem (does it complimented the subject, somehow?), the use of similes and the onomatopoeia of the buzzing fly. Structurally it looks interesting =]

    However, IMO, the content could use some sprucing up, it seems a bit 'on the nose'. Maybe play around with the syllabic rhythm and or some other techniques put in there too, like allusions/more imagery/alliteration etc to give it more flavour? Or are there reasons you have chosen that which you have? In which case, kudos.


    thnx!

    well i chose the murder stansa because it plays off each other,

    and the other allusions i chose, because they are such STRONG imagery, water is essential, cancer is devastating,

    but yeah it can use some more vivd imagery, icon_smile.gif