What was your breaking point before coming out?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2008 8:44 PM GMT
    I am torn. I am 30 years old and still have yet to come out to my family. I am just sick of not being able to live my life. I want to just tell them but im also afraid of their reaction. Yes they will love me but I dont want them to judge me and look at me differently. When I was hiding my feelings about being gay I was a complete mess. Im out to my friends and was happy with life...but now I still find myself living a lie making me feel the same way i did before. Everytime I get close enough to come out...I back away...At this point I dont know when I will be able to come out.

    I guess the question I want to know is...What was the one thing that made you say F*ck it!!! Im coming out to my family and friends.
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    May 23, 2008 8:47 PM GMT
    In terms of acting on my sexual and emotional feelings for guys it was a serious depression in 1986 at the age of 25.

    When I came out to my family in 1990 it was because I wanted to get it out of the way before turning 30 at the end of the year.

    It went well and I felt a lot better afterwords. No more awkward questions about when I was going to meet a "nice" girl (I never ever dated women so my sexuality should not have been a big surprise).
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    May 23, 2008 9:53 PM GMT
    Actually, it sounds like you're at that breaking point now. And that may be good for you. My suggestion is to start with your closest sibling. Then, you can gauge his/her reaction to the others in your family. Your next choice would be to tell them together or one at a time.

    Since you already believe that they will still love you (which is the outcome you want anyway), it sounds like you may not have been mentally ready for the conversation. But now you are. So, practice it a few different ways and maybe use a friend as a sounding board.

    Good luck!! We still love you, too.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 23, 2008 10:23 PM GMT
    I was engaged to be married
    and I got to the point where I knew that I wasn't able to go through with it
    I could have gotten married but I knew that it would have wound up with me cheating on her with men and a probable blow up later on
    so I ended the engagement and the relationship and never looked back since icon_razz.gif
  • irishboxers

    Posts: 357

    May 23, 2008 10:29 PM GMT
    I came out to my family about 8 years ago. As much as I tell my mom it didn't bother me, it was her constant mention of grandchildren. It honestly didn't bother me, but it was a reminder of the lie between us. That's what the breaking point was; I was no longer okay with the lie.

    I want kids at some point, but at least now she knows they won't be coming along anytime soon. icon_biggrin.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    May 23, 2008 10:34 PM GMT
    My brother wanting to move to L.A. a year after I had moved there and be roommates. I had finally started to come out, and I knew that he would push me back in the closet if I let that happen. So I told him, and then the family, and kept forging ahead.
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    May 23, 2008 10:51 PM GMT
    Tired of pretending to be happy as a straight guy and thinking my attraction for men was just a faze.

    Breaking point: Meeting my current and first partner and not being able to bring him home to my family!

    Now they love him icon_biggrin.gif.
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    May 23, 2008 11:13 PM GMT
    Dating one of the hottest chicks at Boston U. and her not being able to convert me, while at the same time having a crush on my straight roommate. Yup, I was young, dumb, full of ***, and finally ready to shake up my world for the better.
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    May 23, 2008 11:22 PM GMT
    Hun...you are at one of those magical moments that help define and free your soul, right now.
    Congrats on coming out to friends, do you really think that the family has no idea? When I came out to my mom, I was a nervous wreck about it and my mom laughed and said,... "so what....I've known for YEARS!"... I was stunned and a bit pissed that she never let me in on her "knowledge" that would have saved me all those years of therapy and depression and angst!....
    "Critical mass" for me was feeling like crap, like I was living a lie and that I wasn't able to grow or move forward from where I was then... It was a VERY hard thing to do...scarry and unpredictable...I was 37 when I came out 11 years ago. My parents are divorced, and have been for about 41 years. Both are remarried. I got to come out to both sets of parents and step families...let me help you define and put some perspective on the relatively easy job you have by just telling one family.....LOL! My Hell had many doors and a new set of rules and dynamics to work with behind each door...that was scarry! And then toss into the mix, telling my then common law wife that I was gay and then going through all of it in court in the custody battle for my 3 sons.....going to work and finding out that I had been fired for coming out as GAY....etc.

    The point is, get it behind you and just do it when it is right for you. It sounds like you have the "desire" and need to clear the air, just not a clear road to work with....welcome to the gauntlet! Do it when you are in a safe position, that you can't be hurt or abused and feel that you have control of your setting and the situation, as much as possible. It is your information. You get to make the choices as to whom to tell, when, where and why to tell them....make a plan and then work your plan.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    Sporty_G
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    May 23, 2008 11:28 PM GMT
    XRuggerATX saidDating one of the hottest chicks at BU and her not being able to convert me, while at the same time having a crush on my straight roommate. Yup, I was young, dumb, full of ***, and finally ready to shake up my world for the better.


    ...so did you ever let the "straight roommate" know?icon_surprised.gif
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    May 23, 2008 11:29 PM GMT
    Sporty_g said[quote][cite]XRuggerATX said[/cite]Dating one of the hottest chicks at BU and her not being able to convert me, while at the same time having a crush on my straight roommate. Yup, I was young, dumb, full of ***, and finally ready to shake up my world for the better.


    ...so did you ever let the "straight roommate" know?icon_surprised.gif[/quote]

    Not in words. :-/ But then later, yes. I haven't talked to him in 15 yrs.
  • kjm1990

    Posts: 209

    May 23, 2008 11:30 PM GMT
    man look at you who is going to say any thing even think any thing bad!

    man if i can do it any one can,i was 16.live in a small country town an get teased for it but he im glad i came out
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    May 23, 2008 11:33 PM GMT
    An episode of Family back in the mid 70's had the son come out...and that pushed me over the edge.
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    May 23, 2008 11:39 PM GMT
    My breaking point was about in grade 10 in highschool. I came out to some close freinds, the usual little deal there. And about halfway through the year one of my football teammates caught wind of it (I was in football, rugby and wrestling), and decided that in my absence in the guys change room after one practice, to announce it to the whole team. AWKWARD! Most didnt believe him at first, he got a nice beating out of it, then they came and talked to me about it. I decided to tell them the truth... they all respected me, and told me if i quit the team i was dead meat. As the year went on basically I was living an "out" life outside of my parents house. We were reading some book in english class at the time, and it had some line about honesty and being true to yourself. I ended up actually applying the line of thinking to my life, bucked it up, threw up 5 times on the way home from class and told my parents.

    Greatest weight lifted off of me ever...
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    May 23, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    I knew I always liked guys. but had those feelings buried so damn deep. But usually it was just physical lust. Easier to control.

    But, then I completely fell head over heels for one of best friends. And knew it was a lot deeper. So from there I came out to him, and told him how I felt. And from there let everyone know. It was hard but well worth it.
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    May 24, 2008 12:26 AM GMT
    My breaking point was when my best friend who was straight met and started dating a nurse. We had been inseparable for almost a year and I had been avoiding coming out by just enjoying my time with my best bud. When he started moving away from me and spending more and more time with his girlfriend I got really depressed. I obviously was in love with him and to him we were just great friends. I basically got to the point where I said fuck it to myself and came out to my family at that point.
  • Justbe_NYC

    Posts: 18

    May 24, 2008 2:41 AM GMT
    Hi

    I just wrote a blog (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/187528/)
    where I describe that 'veI just came out to my parents at 29yo plus. So go read it in case it can help you. Honestly it was not easy. I think I came out to my friends and started accepting being gay when I thought I was ready to tell it to my parents. However it took me 3 years. I don't think there is "a right time". As far as I am concerned I had the impressions it was not too bad of a time because my parents are dying to have some grandchildren and my oldest bro is about to have his first child by second bro is going to get married... so time wise on my parents clock it was good.
    Before each time I flet ready there was something coming to interfere with my plans... 2 grandparents death... these kind of ting... but if you don't pay attention there is always a good reason to wait. So I'd say if you feel it right for you go for it.
    You will see as far as I am concerned i am a bit perplex regarding the behavior of my parents and what I should do but nonetheless let's be clear. I am happy I came out to them. I think it is very important in our gayness.

    good luck

    B
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    May 24, 2008 5:52 AM GMT
    I was busted by a female roommate who was pissed at me for not wanting to sleep with her. She rummaged through my belongings and found a single incriminating sliver of evidence, then called my parents.

    Afterward she wanted to still be friends. "No, really...here's a story in Woman's World about a gay man who remained married to his faithful, understanding wife! You should read it!" she told me, as I was packing up to move to a new apartment.

    But my parents were so cool. Threw me a barbecue, they did, to ask me a "few questions." They'd watched Donahue, they said, as I watched my grandmother sink her good teeth into a hamburger.
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    May 24, 2008 6:05 AM GMT
    You just said it yourself - I think you really need to come-out to your family - you may be suprised at how they react! If it is negative you always have the support of your friends - but to be honest, your family always knows - they may not want to accept it, but they know.

    My advice - go for it and free yourself of the stress - and then live your life! icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 24, 2008 6:16 AM GMT
    I wonder if your family already know. My Dad always knew long before I told him. Do you have siblings that you could talk to about it?

    I never tried to be "straight", ie, I never had girlfriends and never spoke about girls so it wasn't a big surprise for them when I told them. My mum still has concerns about me but then parents always worry for their children.
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    May 24, 2008 6:54 AM GMT
    Mine is simply that I'm sick of having to pretend to like girls sexually when I'm with my friends.
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    May 24, 2008 6:55 AM GMT
    Facebook outed me to my sister... simply got an email saying "Into men? Really?" and we went from there.

    I still haven't told my parents... but I too am sick of leaving out parts of my life that make me happy.

    I'm sure they know. Dad uncovered my gay porn stash while helping my move one day.
  • Crucializer

    Posts: 389

    May 24, 2008 7:07 AM GMT
    For me,it was watching Brokeback Mtn - in the theater - with my wife. I had hid it (or tried to) since I could remember. This was 2 years ago. We had been best friends for a long time before marrying. Today, we are still friends - and we only want the best for each other. I told my parents and 4 siblings last year - they seem to still love me. . . .
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    May 24, 2008 8:30 AM GMT
    I was only out to two people at the time, my best friend and a girl who I thought was one of my really good friends who I will call Jane.

    Jane ended up being a very needy, very bad influence on me, and was incredibly manipulative and controlling, but she was pretty cool about me being gay. Once she got all bitchy and controlling though, I made several unsuccessful attempts to break off the friendship. When I finally was able to, I realized how important friends and family were, and I told my parents that night. I told my sister shortly after.

    The rest of my family doesn't know, but I am at peace right now icon_smile.gif

    PS. "coming out" is not a one time thing. It happens in bits and pieces. Start with a sibling, then parents, then some friends, etc. It gets easier every time I find icon_smile.gif

    Good luck!
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    May 24, 2008 10:37 AM GMT
    As for them judging you and looking at you differently, that's going to happen anyway.
    It is up to you to show them that you are the same person. Everything that you did before telling them was done by you, a gay man.
    You didn't just 'turn gay' and though they may view you that way, you have to explain that you're the same person. The issue is that it is their preconceived idea of you and your life that was wrong.
    Everything that you have done as a good man is still just as valid.