Is it rude to flat-out ask someone if he's gay?

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    Oct 18, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    As the subject reads, my question is: Is it rude to flat-out ask someone if he's gay?

    My "gay-dar" is relatively non-existent and I'm about to move to Chicago from a small town. Do guys just openly come up and ask to buy you a drink or hit on you? Don't make fun, haha, southern guy here. I plan to go out to some bars/clubs or whatever.
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    Oct 18, 2011 2:56 PM GMT
    Probably.

    Last time I did that he went to his room and cried.

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    Oct 18, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    Depends on the context. If you're at a gay bar, yes, guys will assume you're gay and come on over. At a straight bar, it probably won't happen unless you're doing the death stare or something to tip them off you're gay. Or if you talk to them and let them know you're gay in some way....like saying: "wow, there don't seem to be many other gay guys here."

    Good luck. Chicago is a great town with friendly people. I'm sure you'll do fine.
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    Oct 18, 2011 3:05 PM GMT
    MAYHAPS
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    Oct 18, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    I don't think it is rude at all, but a lot of straight guys would get offended. It really depends on the location as well as the context. If I am chatting up a guy in midtown, I will ask and he shouldn't get offended. I mean, its midtown. But if I am in my rural hometown and ask a guy with no clear hints he is gay, I would think he might get offended.
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    Oct 18, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    down here it can be downright dangerous. i got hate crimed just for calling a guy out on blowing a red light and almost hitting my car.
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    Oct 18, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    If u asked someone is really straight i think he will take it as insult lol
  • shirty

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    Oct 18, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    a better question would be: "Are you straight?"

    maybe that will be less awkward?
  • Latenight30

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    Oct 18, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    I'm gay and if I see someone I think is hot, I think it's flattering to ask them if they are gay. Would you ask an ugly guy if he is gay? Would you care?
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    Oct 18, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    Been asked that. Didn't find it rude at all unless they mean it to be, just found it shocking. I denied it lol.
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    Oct 18, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    my gaydar's about as useless as a sportscar with a slushbox
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Oct 18, 2011 3:44 PM GMT
    It would depend on how well you know the person, where you are, who else is around, etc. It's kind of a personal question, so all of the above would have something to do with whether or not it could be considered rude or inappropriate at the time.
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    Oct 18, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    i would say, its rude.. quite frankly its really no ones business or concern, however if your trying to find out cause your interested, then there are gentler ways of finding out....
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    Oct 18, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
    Gay guys polite themselves into extreme states of non communication.
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    Oct 18, 2011 4:45 PM GMT
    One should only want know that if also wanting to ask the guy on a date. Otherwise it does not matter. So start by working in an indirect question, "So, you gotta girlfriend?" or "You married with kids and all that?", and hopefully that will break the ice to explore further.
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    Oct 18, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    Really depends on a few things like who it is, where they are when you ask and how you ask it.

    I know if I asked some that type of question I would have to consider the above and I would probably do it in private. Question in general are meant to be asked. it's all about the approach and presentation.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Oct 18, 2011 4:56 PM GMT
    I wouldn't, the only exception being if the other guy is flirting and it's totally obvious. I would say it in more of a humorous way.

    There is a professional need, however. To properly address concerns, a financial advisor, attorney, doctor or other professional may need (and should) ask if the guy is gay. There may be specifics of his situation that may need to be discussed.
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    Nivek saidOne should only want know that if also wanting to ask the guy on a date. Otherwise it does not matter. So start by working in an indirect question, "So, you gotta girlfriend?" or "You married with kids and all that?", and hopefully that will break the ice to explore further.


    There are many ways to beat around the bush on questions like that. I got asked all the time if I had a girlfriend before I came out. I never lied, I just said "nope, just focusing on school right now..."

    I don't care if it's rude or not to ask someone if their gay. It should be a compliment, but most straight guys don't see it that way. I've always just flat out asked if someone I was interested in was gay, because it's the fastest and most direct way to get a truthful answer. And that's just my personality, I've very direct and blunt and honest about everything. I've never gotten a rude response or beaten up or even gestured in a rude manner. If you try sugar coating it and beating around the bush, someone might give you "hints" without meaning to. You won't know unless you get a "yes or a "no."

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    Oct 18, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    Location, location, location! It really depends where you are. If you are here in NYC or a city like L.A. The guys would be like "Thank You, but no I am straight." Outside of of these two cities I would just go back to the "Sooo... do you have a girlfriend?" line of questioning.
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    I have a very well honed gaydar after 58 years so yeah, I do it all the time at car shows, and I have never missed yet. I do it in a little more subtle way by asking if they are a member of Lambda in the interest of recreating what we have in SoCal with Great Auto of Yesterqueer. I’ve heard from many that the Buckeye Chapter of Lambda ‘sucks’ so I’m asking around to see could be done to radically improve it. I’m spoiled by what we had in Cali and I can’t go back out there for a while.
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    Come to chicago this weekend. I'll help you adjusticon_lol.gif
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:45 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYes it is rude to just go over and ask someone if they are gay. How about opening up with a conversation first to see if they have any interest in speaking with you first. If they look straight into your eyes, there is a good chance they are gay and interested.

    Your best communication to finding other gay men is to wear something with rainbow colors on it. Most of the time they will come over to you and say ... I like your ring, necklace, t-shirt ... etc.


    Are you taking about on Gay pride or national coming out day? Because that is about the only time I could possibly wear any of those things. I can just open my mouth and tell people that I am gay. Not to mention but usually the people that wear those "trinkets" usually don't need to because you can already tell. This is all just in my opinion of course.
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:53 PM GMT
    C_J35 said
    AMoonHawk saidYes it is rude to just go over and ask someone if they are gay. How about opening up with a conversation first to see if they have any interest in speaking with you first. If they look straight into your eyes, there is a good chance they are gay and interested.

    Your best communication to finding other gay men is to wear something with rainbow colors on it. Most of the time they will come over to you and say ... I like your ring, necklace, t-shirt ... etc.


    Are you taking about on Gay pride or national coming out day? Because that is about the only time I could possibly wear any of those things. I can just open my mouth and tell people that I am gay. Not to mention but usually the people that wear those "trinkets" usually don't need to because you can already tell. This is all just in my opinion of course.


    I do it sometimes around the most conservative of conservatives just to see if I can get a reaction. Really only once did it happen - in 96 at a Santa Monica Bay Republican Club (Dole Kemp campaign) event and from a women. She came around by the end on the evening, and I got invited to dinner at the Nixon Library where Ralph Reed was the speaker.
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    It gets me why so many gay and bi people can get hooked on this issue of having to know another persons sexual preference, yet they would be the first to start screaming like a wet cat when sexuality is made an issue; something they have helped create.

    Who cares.
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    Oct 18, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    espno28 saidAs the subject reads, my question is: Is it rude to flat-out ask someone if he's gay?

    My "gay-dar" is relatively non-existent and I'm about to move to Chicago from a small town. Do guys just openly come up and ask to buy you a drink or hit on you? Don't make fun, haha, southern guy here. I plan to go out to some bars/clubs or whatever.

    Why don't you just tell the guy that you are or ask him a question that involves gay rights and see how he responds. You could also ask him if he has a gf.