Married Temptations - What should I do?

  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 19, 2011 7:30 AM GMT
    I am confused, I have had guys hit on me before, which is usually not a problem but never from a friend I have known for 2 years.

    This friend is in a closed relationship and so am I. But lately every time we go out drinking or to a party he has been making sexual innuendos while both of our partners are somewhere in the room.

    Here is the real problem, I secretly find him attractive both personality and physically. I don't touch him, flirt with him, or make any kind of suggestions but he seems to be picking up on it, anyway. And, just because I find someone attractive, dosen't mean I have to act on it. I am not the cheating type in a relationship, and I am not a home wrecker either.

    What should I do? I am struggling with temptation and this guy keeps moving the goal post a little more each time. I dont want to loose his friendship but I think at this point he would not admit what is going on since we have not done anything. Do you think this is just a stupid crush or wanting something you can't have?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 19, 2011 2:38 PM GMT
    Are you and your friend in a relationship with women or men?

    If you're in a relationship with a woman you probably should think about staying in that relationship.

    If you guys are both gay you probably should talk about the thing that's going on between you. Before someone gets hurt.
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    Oct 19, 2011 2:40 PM GMT

    "This friend is in a closed relationship and so am I."

    Honour your commitment, and tell your friend to do the same, if necessary.

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    Oct 19, 2011 2:44 PM GMT
    You already know what you are going to do, if you haven't done it already.

    Either do it or don't.

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    Oct 19, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    BAMF saidYou already know what you are going to do, if you haven't done it already.

    Either do it or don't.



    This.

    I don't know what's up with people seeking justifications and rationalizations from others for their actions. Perhaps this is symptomatic of our country/world lately, where people have abdicated the notion of personal responsibility and social responsibility, preferring to rely on sky fairies or whatever benefactors.

    Some times, you just have to shit or get off the pot.
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    Oct 19, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    If this person was a real friend he would not hit on you. Who does that!
    He is not only disrespecting you, he is also disrespecting your partner and his lover. This just silly! SMFH!
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Oct 19, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    You don't want to lose his friendship, but obviously you two have something a little more. If you don't want to use your intimate relationship with your spouse, I'd stop talking/hanging with this friend until you can be around him without doubting your commitment.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 19, 2011 7:56 PM GMT
    Yes, I am gay and so is he.

    Not looking for a justification, I dont need that if I want to do something. Im just kind of confused how I feel. Maybe this happens to some of you a lot but not something I normally even have to think about. Up to now, I have never had a friend cross the line or even hint at crossing the line. I generally like keeping friends and sexual relationships seprate, even when I am single.

    This is a newer friend, I dont see him a lot, maybe once a mounth at a party or socal event, but now we are kind of connected as couples. If I end the friendship, then everyone is going to want to know why. If I dont do anything he might see it as a sign I want to play.

    I a not really the flirty type to begin with. So maybe I am reading it wrong and he is just this way with everybody. Its only after he has been drinking a lot. There are times I a have noticed where he dosent drink at events maybe to control that.

    I know its easy to cut people out of thier lives with the snap of a finger, but I am not like that. Once you are my friend, you are pretty much my friend for life no matter what you do. It's not like it sounds, this guy is not a preditor, looking for whomever he can get into bed next. He is a nice guy, everyone likes him. He talks a lot about his relationship and not wanting to play around with other couples. (which is why I am comfused)

    I am alwasy caught off guard. The last party I was at, I hardly talked to him. The party was winding down, he came over to talk and then after a moment of silence, he reach out and grabbed my junk. Then 2 seconds later my group of friend were leaving and I dont think I even said good by.

    Now its really awkward. He is going to be at a small event this weekend and we all agreed as couples to be there. I dont know if he is going to pretend nothing happened or pull me aside and want to talk about it.

    Should I blow it off as him just being flirty when he drinks, pretend nothing happened or acknologe he did that? Some guys are just flirty right? Just flavor of the mouth and later he will get bored with it. Or am I letting this turn into something else?

    I really dont want to embarres him or hurt him if he really didnt remember things. Or worse assume I am some hot thing he cant have when in reality he just flirts a lot when he is drunk.

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    Oct 20, 2011 12:06 AM GMT
    Make sure that he's really hitting on you as opposed to just being socially inappropriate before you do anything drastic. Sometimes people carry their jokes too far without having any hidden agenda or malicious intent.
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    Oct 20, 2011 12:33 AM GMT
    He grabbed your junk...hmmm. There will always be temptation, it all depends on what YOU want to do. Honor your commitment to your boyfriend or cheat. It's up to YOU. If you are a one man guy, tell him to back off or just end the friendship. You have the choice...make it a good one.
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    Oct 20, 2011 12:44 AM GMT
    Kjonyou saidDo you think this is just a stupid crush or wanting something you can't have?

    Well, there's some adage about "forbidden fruit" being the greatest temptation, going as far back as Adam & Eve, I suppose. And look how badly that turned out.

    If you want to block yourself from temptation then tell your partner about this. That's what I've done the few times when I felt a guy was getting a bit out of line with me. This tactic has the following advantages:

    1. You burn the bridge of temptation behind you. With your partner's eyes on you in public you wouldn't dare encourage this guy, even inadvertently.
    2. Your loyalty & devotion to your own guy will be firmly established, for a man about to cheat seldom telegraphs the deed, and your honesty will be admired.
    3. It immunizes you from guilt or suspicion, before your partner notices this other guy's behavior on his own.
    4. Your partner might also consider you more of a treasure, that other men would find you desirable.
    5. Your partner might have some suggestions himself on how you're to deal with this. My own did, and even ran interference for me a few times. And then afterwards back home we'd laugh about the other guy's antics. It made our relationship stronger, tackling the problem as a team, as partners should.
  • BCSwimmer

    Posts: 209

    Oct 20, 2011 12:47 AM GMT
    My take on this (and any other situation) is open, honest communication is required.

    Personally I am a flirty type of guy that can, in the right situation, use innuendo even if I have no desire for it to go any further than that. Just because someone is being flirty doesn't mean they want to sleep with you (even if he grabbed your crotch when he was drunk, it might have just been stepping over the bounds of flirtiness).

    Since this friendship is a relationship you value I would suggest having some accountable, honest comunication along the lines of:

    "I want to talk with you about something that has been on my mind. Our friendship is important to me and so I want to clear the air. I feel some attraction to you and I enjoy the flirtiness but I want to make sure I don't overstep the bounds of decorum. I love my partner and wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him. However I've realized my flirting could be misconstrued. I just want to make sure you understand I am not trying to have this flirtiness go any further just in case I have been giving the impression that I want to do more with you..." blah blah blah

    Although not always easy or comfortable I try to live by the maxim that "Honesty is the best policy".
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 20, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    Yes, how do you know when someone is really making a move or just flirting with no intention? I have had guys I didnt know grab me in a bar but just chalk it up to flirting. Obviously if I am in a sex club its not flirting, but not sex charged environments are like what, did you just do that?

    If its just that, theres no need to make my boyfriend all jelous and paranoid, and loose two friends in the process and looking like I just have an inflated ego. I can let it go if I know its just that.

    What's your standard for flirting vs sexual advances?
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    Oct 20, 2011 2:17 AM GMT
    BAMF saidYou already know what you are going to do, if you haven't done it already.

    Either do it or don't.


    + 1. Doing the right thing isn't hard here. This post feels like a step towards "I Couldn't Help It" island that all cheating partners end up on. You can't help that you're gay, or that you have a crush on this guy. But you can totally control what you do with your body and you have to stop fantasizing about him.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 21, 2011 9:01 AM GMT
    Thanks guys, after thinking about this more then I should, I am comming to the conclusion that this friend is just flirty when he is cocktailed. While he may be really intrested in me, he is also intrested in every other guy in the room.

    There is no way hooking up with him could end well. I am not the screw it type go with what you want kind of guy regarless of the consequences. That sounds fun but rarely works out well.

    I have met other guys in the past who I have found attractive but its never gone beyond that even if there is some mutual feelings. I think this is the first time I have felt a little weak and maybe flattered since its accompaned with a push from the other side to do something about it.

    I have a feeling both of us will not be drinking much at this next event, or busy avoiding each other.

    I will keep you posted if something happens.

    Thanks for the feedback.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 21, 2011 10:08 AM GMT
    Have you seen brokeback mountain?
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    Oct 21, 2011 11:02 AM GMT
    There's nothing for you to be confused about. You answered you own question when you said "He's in a closed relationship and so am I." Regardless of if it's with a man or woman both of you are already taken.

    Be his friend and nothing more. This is a nice little test and hopefully you don't fail by cheating (double meaning there). Show some self-control/restrain yourself and respect the fact that both you and him are in relationships. This is seriously a no-brainer. If things get too heated then you need to stop and think about your priorities and man up and tell him in a polite way noth8ing can ever happen. If he's a friend then he'll understand and realize that something just aren't meant to happen between friends.
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    Oct 21, 2011 11:56 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    "This friend is in a closed relationship and so am I."

    Honour your commitment, and tell your friend to do the same, if necessary.



    This, commitment was a choice no one forced you in chains to make it and you willingly made it for better or for worse.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 24, 2011 5:45 AM GMT
    Kjonyou said

    I have a feeling both of us will not be drinking much at this next event, or busy avoiding each other.

    I will keep you posted if something happens.
    .



    UPDATE: I was right, he cancled day of the event, everyone asking why, said he suddenly felt sick, but sounds more like he's really feeling guilty or embarrassed. Guess I wasn't imagining it.

    Problem solved.
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    Oct 24, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    Kjonyou said
    Kjonyou said

    I have a feeling both of us will not be drinking much at this next event, or busy avoiding each other.

    I will keep you posted if something happens.
    .



    UPDATE: I was right, he cancled day of the event, everyone asking why, said he suddenly felt sick, but sounds more like he's really feeling guilty or embarrassed. Guess I wasn't imagining it.

    Problem solved.


    Egads, I don't think so.

    Initially you said this, "What should I do? I am struggling with temptation and this guy keeps moving the goal post a little more each time. I dont want to loose his friendship but I think at this point he would not admit what is going on since we have not done anything. Do you think this is just a stupid crush or wanting something you can't have?"

    I feel you need to seriously address this temptation issue, and this crush issue. Your man and relationship deserves the energy used in those feelings.
    That this third party is backing away doesn't address what may happen next time you get a crush for someone else.

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 24, 2011 6:26 PM GMT



    I feel you need to seriously address this temptation issue, and this crush issue. Your man and relationship deserves the energy used in those feelings.
    That this third party is backing away doesn't address what may happen next time you get a crush for someone else.

    warmly,

    -Doug


    I know what you are saying, but I usually dont crush on other guys that often, maybe twice in 10 years and never acted on it. Usually the guys I think are hot are not attracted to me to begin with. It's just a little harder to say no when they suprise me and feel the same way and activlty make suggestions. That caught me off guard.

    Most guys who know you are in a relationship dont go after it any further, but when they do that confuses me. Are they just wanted to get off dont care about anyone else, is it the challange of getting someone's other half, is this how they are all the time, do they respect me or my relationship?

    Thoese kind of things throw me because they are not in my control. I have never gone after a married guy so I dont get that when it happens. It's kind of desrespectful if you know someone is in a closed relationship and you go after them anyways.

    We cant control our feelings of attraction, its going to happen. But usually the way I deal with it is say to myself, ok he's cute or hot. But then I move on. I never start daydreaming about how I can get into bed with him. Or worse, start talking to him striking up a 'friendship". Usually I will distance myself so the temptation is not there.

    I think this time, I just had a momentary loss of though or weakness and on some level was entertaining the idea when I should not. And with someone on the otherside pushing the idea of mutual attraction and playing around, it kind of got me caught up in things I should not be thinking about.

    Honestly who knows, maybe this guy is feeling the same way and even if I wanted to move forward he would have backed off. If he is now going to avoide me for a while, he probably has some issues as well. If he was comfortable with this mild flirtation he started, he wouldnt be avoiding me. I know he dosent want to leave his partner.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Oct 24, 2011 6:33 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    "This friend is in a closed relationship and so am I."

    Honour your commitment, and tell your friend to do the same, if necessary.



    I can see my work here is already done.
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:58 PM GMT
    I understand how hard this must be for you but you just have to try to resist him. I mean, if you really aren't the home wrecker type of guy, the best scenario you can try to get in your head is lets say you do have sexual relations with your friend and his wife finds out and is devastated and crushed and that leads to problems with their own relationship. Would you really want to put your friend and his wife in that kind of mess? And also, think about how your partner would feel if he found out that you cheated on him with your friend.

    If your friend is really your friend, he won't disown you as a friend for not having sex with him. But that's just how I feel really...

    At the end of the day, the choice is yours. Just do what you feel is right. But remember to think about the consequences as well.