Two Soldiers Dating: Can It Work?

  • UKArmyLad

    Posts: 8

    Oct 19, 2011 10:19 AM GMT
    Hey everyone,

    Hope you guys are all good, here's my question:

    I wanted to know if anyone has any insight on dating in the military? I find that being in the British Army, it's almost impossible to date a civilian in the long term as I am constantly out of the country on training and tours to operational war zones, and most guys don't seem to want to commit to a relationship where I'm not always around and usually in dangerous places.

    I understand that the gay world (however stereotypically) can be quiet promiscuous, and in my experience that has proved to be true. However, my gut instinct tells me that dating another guy from the military would be just a difficult, if not harder.

    If anyone (Forces Personal in particular) has any experiences in this kind of thing, I would love to hear from you.

    Cheers lads!
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 386

    Oct 19, 2011 11:07 AM GMT
    I'm not military, but with the situation you describe sounds like a sexually open relationship with another military guy would be best of both worlds. The forced distance would make for some heartfelt yearning, you guys will have a lot of common subjects to talk about, not sex-imposed sexual frustration (open relationship).

    I would seek a guy with the same planned end date for his duty, so you both have a common goal to look upon. Long-distance relationships without a common goal are pretty much a waste of time.
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    Oct 19, 2011 11:43 AM GMT
    I hope some of the active duty guys (or retired for that matter) get to respond. In the US, as you know, Don't Ask Don't Tell just ended, and one man in the Air Force who anonymously started a group called OutServe came out publicly that day. It's worth it to listen to the audio link, where he also brings out his Airman partner to talk about that relationship.
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    Oct 19, 2011 12:09 PM GMT
    I think it would be quite difficult to be honest - and I imagine that it could cause all sorts of problems 'at work' - after all, dating and work aren't a good mix in any profession IMO.

    Why would it be any different for your potential partner compared to an army wife though? If someone really likes you and wants to make it work then there's no reason you can't have a relationship with a civvy.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16415

    Oct 19, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    I think it totally depends on the two individuals. Being a soldier add another
    difficult dynamic. I would expect that certain individuals could handle it well and a couple can be very successful. Others... no. So many variables and that would be what yields success.
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    Oct 19, 2011 12:52 PM GMT
    Only if they constantly fuck and post videos to Rockettube.

    That could most definitely work.
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    Oct 19, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    It seems to me as though the problem you describe - the distance created by deployment and so forth - would only be doubled if you were both soldiers.

    At the same time though, the similar restrictions might be beneficial to the relationship. A guy left at home while you're overseas has a lot of room to be unfaithful. A guy stuck in a hole in Iraq while you're stuck in a hole in Afghanistan has just as much room to cheat as you do: almost none.

    But... if you're worried about your man cheating, the relationship isn't very stable to begin with.
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    Oct 19, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    It can definitely work, and I was in a relationship with a Marine for a long, long time. But you're right--it's very difficult, and it's not the easy route to go. For me, key was to stay very, very busy when my partner was OCONUS. Too much time on my hands just led to me feeling bad/lonely.
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    Oct 19, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    If you are both committed to making it work, it can work out but, you both have to be mature enough to handle it. Dating someone in the military is really no different than one dating a police officer or a fire fighter. Both these jobs are dangerous. The only thing is that you might be deployed. I personally would not have a problem with at all.
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    Oct 19, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    When i found out my ex bf was RAF and SAS, I was like cool. But when he got called back to the UK for duty in 2009-2010 it was a real bummer. Unfortunately the long distance relationship got further, and the relationship ended... while he was in the UK he ended up marrying a girl and brought her back to the states. icon_eek.gif

    I guess he jumped right back into the closet for dear life. Are gays in the UK military/raf/sas not that accepted?
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    Oct 19, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    I don't think the stress on the relationship would be any different than for a heterosexual couple. If both guys are honestly committed to monogamy, it can work. Sure it'll be stressful and difficult at times but I believe that relationships are worth the work.

    Good luck man.
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    Oct 19, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    I was just in Las Vegas for a conference. Saw the most amazing thing. Two military guys walked into a wedding chapel in uniform and were married. Big step one of the neatest things I have ever seen. I do think there would be a certain level of understanding that each partner would have that a civilian could not understand as well
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    Oct 19, 2011 8:06 PM GMT
    Every relationship is different, and everyone is different. It really depends on the individual as to whether a relationship like that would work.

    Here are a two contrasting examples.

    On one hand, where I live, every guy has to go through the army for a couple of years. It's ridiculous how, despite being able to go home every weekend, so many girlfriends whine about having to 'wait' for them for so long and that it's not a normal relationship. Many relationships have ended because the men have to go overseas for a few weeks on training, and the girlfriends don't want to wait around. It's a sad trend. They obviously don't know how good they have it, and are taking their guys for granted.

    On the other hand, I remember watching a documentary about the US army, and it featured a couple. Both were in the army, had kids, and were happy. The wife was even a higher rank than the husband!
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    Oct 19, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Be weary of those long deployments, seems like spouses get lonely and unappreciated and start looking for "close" friends to fill that void of intimacy.
    Just speaking from what I've seen and experienced.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Oct 19, 2011 9:11 PM GMT
    I think there`s no reason in principle why it couldn`t work between two Army/military guys.You have a similar culture/sympathy/understanding that you wouldn`t have with a civilian.
    The long deployment/postings would be the big problem,though. That would require a lot of work on your part.
    The large number of couples both in the military seems to say it`s more workable than military-civilian.
  • UKArmyLad

    Posts: 8

    Oct 19, 2011 9:53 PM GMT
    Thank you for all the input/advice/feedback lads!

    I will definitely take a lot of it on board. Something I have to be upfront about is that I'm not out in the military. I probably should be but every time I think about telling the men in my unit I worry about how it would go over. I know this is a discussion for a whole other topic so I won't get too into it. I'm working on it though.

    The deployment is tough. I've been away on deployment once already and it was hard enough being away from family. I saw guys out there with wives and girlfriends who left them or just couldn't deal with the stress of having a loved one in an operational theatre.

    I guess it's one of those bridges I'll have to cross when it comes to it. Things have been getting serious with a guy in another regiment who isn't out either, we kind of found out about each other through chance, but I think neither of us being out adds a whole other dimension of problems with making a military relationship work.