Polyamorous Relationships

  • BCSwimmer

    Posts: 209

    Oct 20, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    I am curious to hear from guys who have been in (or know of) successful polyamorous relationships.

    My late husband, of 17 years, and I began a successful loving, poly relationship during the last 3 years of his life. Unfortunately he succumbed to a brain tumour last year and now our "third" partner and I are carrying on as a duo.

    I've known several people who have been in successful poly relationships, for example; one of 3 guys together over 20 years, in another a bi male friend of mine was in an MMF poly relationship for a few years, etc.

    PS It is not my intention to start a flame war. Please, if you are of the opinion that only monogamous relationships should be tolerated please start a thread on that topic yourself. My intention is to hear from people who have been in (or know of) successful poly relationships.
  • Smiling_Eyes

    Posts: 197

    Oct 20, 2011 1:21 PM GMT
    This is an area of interest for me. My partner of 16 years and I opened up our relationship 3 years ago and I'm open to bf. To this point, I haven't progressed to that level with another person. In theory though, with good communication, honesty and trust, I see no reason that a polyamorous relationship could not succeed and work for all parties.
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    Oct 20, 2011 1:33 PM GMT
    Wow, I can barely put up with one of them!
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Oct 20, 2011 5:32 PM GMT
    Polyamorous is kind of an 80's thing I havent seen in a while. Of the only recent couple that I know its working out ok but there is a lot of jelousy from on of the members of that group.

    I dont think people care these days who you sleep with or condem polyamorous as much as its a relationship that is much more difficult to maintain. Lets face it if it was successful, you would see a lot more of them by now and that really isnt the case.

    Sounds like you have a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about disapproval. But that's not why people shy away from them. Its the whole dynamic that gets complicated. One likes one more then the other, or someone gets left out or the first two were together before they met the third so he gets all the attention like a only child.

    It's similar to when a lot of couples move to the open relationship status from closed. 9 times out of 10, it really just a move out the door. I have seen that so many times I cant tell you. And yes, at the time I alwasy hear how much more progressave they are with thier sexuality......until the break up. I only know of one that is still togheter after 5 years seems to work for them, but they started out that way, it wasnt something they transitioned into.
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    Oct 20, 2011 10:23 PM GMT
    As Dan Savage said, "I've been to poly weddings, but I've never been to a poly third anniversary party." I.e., it's tough because it's complicated.

    My partner and I have a relationship with a degree of negotiated openness, which we came to after many years of (mostly) monogamy - maybe we're the exceptions, but it is working for us.

    We also have a third who spends time with us. It all definitely raises the complexity factor even further, and only works because we're all friends but he's not an equal, we live very separate lives, and the primary relationship is clearly between me and my partner. I don't think I could handle an attempt at a more equilateral triangle or any other geometric shape. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 20, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    I mean if it floats your boat, why not?

    It's not for everyone, I certainly couldn't put up with more than one person.... lol. I barely have a desire to be in a relationship at all (with one person), let alone with two people!

    I'm curious what the OP feels the appeal is.... of having two partners? I dont get it.... but I'm open to hearing more if he wants to share?
  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    Oct 20, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    I've done several poly configurations. I'm still friends with all of them. Was part of an MMF for two and a half years, part of a MMM for two years, Now I'm in an open relationship with one primary partner and we don't have any one in orbit as we're both running small businesses and the business is the other partner for now ;)

    Lots of love, lots of trust and lots of growth

    My belief is that the only constant in the universe is change, and that includes our realtionships. The love grows and changes and you gorw and change with it, sexual attraction comes and goes; connection remains.

    We're all effectivly in poly-relation, we just don't think of it that way. Do you love your friends? Do you love your family? We love many people, in many different ways all the time. When we decided to do it in a romanitc partnership style there is a learning curve. It's different for each person and different in each relationship(s). In my life this works, it does take work, it does take attention. Think of your relationship life like a garden and make sure that you nuture all your plants whether they're blooming or not right now ;)
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    Oct 20, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    handsoffire said Do you love your friends? Do you love your family? We love many people, in many different ways all the time.


    How do any of these points have an bearing? We're talking about romantic sexual relationships. What you mentioned does not apply to family and friends.


    You mean you dont love your friends and family in a romantic and sexual way? I thought differently with you A!
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    Oct 20, 2011 11:04 PM GMT
    ALEXXXANDRO said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    showme saidAs Dan Savage said, "I've been to poly weddings, but I've never been to a poly third anniversary party." I.e., it's tough because it's complicated.


    That's a good point.

    I am not trying to be offensive but even just trying to keep an open mind about it; I really don't see how people have the time to pursue this type of relationship dynamic. With all the responsibilities of life and the things I want to do I have no time nor the energy to disperse my commitment with another person. I don't want a complicated life, I'm not into drama.


    that's the thing.. with another person involved, there is less drama.
    there are less chores
    someone else to do the cooking
    someone else to clean
    stuff like datt


    I'm sorry... why doesn't one just hire a maid, a private chef... ?
  • BCSwimmer

    Posts: 209

    Oct 20, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 saidI mean if it floats your boat, why not?

    It's not for everyone, I certainly couldn't put up with more than one person.... lol. I barely have a desire to be in a relationship at all (with one person), let alone with two people!

    I'm curious what the OP feels the appeal is.... of having two partners? I dont get it.... but I'm open to hearing more if he wants to share?


    Thanks for your posts.

    To answer your question I am intrigued about what others have done to make it work.

    Four years ago when my late spouse and I (at the time 14 years into our relationship together) met our "third" partner it was, at first, just "fun". However overtime our feelings started to develop more deeply.

    It was because my hubby and I had such open and honest communication we were able to discuss our growing feelings. It was foreign to us (how could we have feelings develop for another individual without it impacting our feelings for each other) but we decided to just let things unfold organically; no expectations on where it might lead as long as we continued to communicate our feelings about what was happening. What we found is that we both started to fall in love with our "play mate". Over time he became our equal partner (as in comingling of finance; purchasing real estate with all three on title; etc).

    I fully get that this isn't for everyone (much like while my vegetarianism is right for me I think others have to determine their own path) but it worked for us and all of our lives were more richly blessed as a result of our time together.

    I expect that we would have proven Dan Savage wrong, about lengthy anniversaries, had my hubby not succumbed to his brain tumour just over a year ago. Incidentally he told his dearest friend while he was dying, on the palliative care unit, that he brought the third into our lives because he knew, with a brain tumour diagnosis 7 years earlier, that he wouldn't live into old age and wanted to make sure I would have someone to continue loving and that would love me (talk about selfless behaviour!) What a treasure he was to have in my life for those 17 years.

    Another thing is that I am interested how others have overcome insecurities that may have arisen. They do come up once in a while but I found through open and honest communication that was mitigated.

    Jealousy is not something that was an issue yet almost everyone seems to think it must be. It was the number question we would get along the lines of "don't you feel jealous that your partner loves someone else"? In fact, IMHO, it is the antithesis of jealousy that develops in a polyamorous relationship, that being compersion. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion

    While there are jokes in the poly community about things like "Having your Kate and Edith too" there are some rather concrete attempts to explain it to those that don't think it's possible. For example, if you compare it to parents having their first child and the immense love they have for that child. Upon having their second child they don't think "Oh I am going to have to take some of the love I have for this first child to give to this second child". Naturally they just develop a new love for their second child that doesn't in anyway diminish their love for their first child. Loving more than one primary partner is much like that, it is a new love that doesn't change or displace the love one has for their other partner.

    Incidentally, I've seen it said a number of times on RJ boards, typically in discussions about open-relationships, that poly relationships are a "gay thing". You may be interested to know that one of my sisters is in a poly relationship with her loving husband of 2 decades; her primary boyfriend (who is also married to another woman); and a secondary boyfriend. It is not just a "gay thing".

    Peace.
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    Oct 20, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    51TSJSSGBDL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

    Thanks for the thread. I've always found the topic interesting, although completely academic. (Difficulty of finding one person who can tolerate me x^3)
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Oct 20, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    I don't have a problem in the world with it, but it seems like it would be incredibly difficult to maintain and there is bound to be some jealousy.
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    Oct 20, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    handsoffire said Do you love your friends? Do you love your family? We love many people, in many different ways all the time.


    How do any of these points have an bearing? We're talking about romantic sexual relationships. What you mentioned does not apply to family and friends.


    I think he is just trying to say that Love is Love regardless of how it is expressed.

    If Love is in fact boundless - then there may be considerable merit to the idea that there is no limit to how much of a good thing any one individual may be able to experience or express.
  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    Oct 22, 2011 6:14 AM GMT
    Correct, love is love!

    That said, I have a number of friendships that have lots of erotic charge and exchange in them.

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    Oct 22, 2011 6:24 AM GMT
    I had a friend who was all about the poly relationship she and her husband were in. I guess they had a group of .. lovers? or at least another couple was involved, making them four. Then one day she up and met *another* love of her life, but he wasn't in Colorado, he was in Boston. So she dropped all her "poly" relationships flat and moved to the east coast to be with the new guy.

    The one person who was completely devastated was her first and legally married husband. After all the whoop-de-do about being polyamorous, this man was fully destroyed by her actions.

    I really was disgusted with the way she handled it. The week before she left, she even had the nerve to throw a bbq "going away party." Rubbing salt into everyone's wounds, I was recently single and out of a bad breakup, and she asked me in front of her lovers if it was a "successful relationship." It was all I could do to keep from asking her: "were all of yours?"

    Just a true story to share.
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Oct 22, 2011 8:17 PM GMT
    I couldn't do it, simply because if I am looking to find someone else I am looking for someone better. I have a process of elimination way of thinking. If I find someone whose company I enjoy more, why would I carry around all the dead weight?

    And this is why polyamorous relationships wouldn't work for me. I can't devote my time to multiple romantic partners, gah! I would lose it lol. But some people make it work just fine and those are the people who need to be in this type of relationship icon_smile.gif