How Do I Forgive?

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    Oct 20, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    So Ive always learned that we must pray for forgiveness for our sins, going to Catholic school.. and in the unconditional love Jesus was an example of

    ... the Buddhists have always told me that one of the ways to heaven is for unlimited compassion for all beings...

    But what if you cant forgive someone else? What if you need to have compassion for someone who shows no compassion at all for you?

    How do you deal with the hate and resentment? how do you let them go?

    Come to mind: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do"...

    And the Buddhist wisdom: "Ignorance is the cause for all suffering"

    Surely I should be able to forgive someone that is ignorant.... but what if I have trouble believing they are ignorant... that they not what they do in complete disregard for anyone else's well-being??

    Im sure you can all think of examples in your lives... and in the world at large.. so I ask of you.. how do you forgive?
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    Oct 20, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    I don't see the point of forgiving someone. Especially if their actions were intentional and malicious. How do I deal with the hate and resentment? I don't. Out of sight, out of mind. Move on with life. No point in dwelling on things that can't be undone. Move forward and enjoy life. icon_cool.gif
  • JP85257

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    Oct 20, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    I usually make sure those that wrong me are punished. HAHAHA
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    Oct 20, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    Me and my brother haven't exactly talked to one another in 5 years and we live in the same house. He tried to make amends once, but it was insincere and I knew that he only wanted me to do things for him again. He treated me like his bitch my whole life and I was too nice to say no to him until the last fight we had. Don't know how to forgive, wish I did. would I ever forgive him... never.
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    Oct 20, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    You forgive by letting go. No one ever said you had to forgive them and remain around them, continue to have them in your life. You don't even have to tell that person you forgive them. Sometimes the person isn't even alive to tell them you forgive them.

    You just walk outside on a windy night, let the words flow off your lips and catch the breeze and be whisked away. You take a deep breath, turn around...and press on with life.
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    Oct 20, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    Both xrichx and JP85257 have both good points.

    I believe if you are caught doing something wrong you're not sorry for your actions but for getting caught. And if what you did was vicious and with malice, I will get even. That's a guaranteed.

    In general, you just gotta let time do it's thing. My personal experience is I'm a person who doesn't forgive OR forget easily but If I see a sincere apology and the individual is genuine remorseful, I will try and consider forgiving. But not forgetting. Forgetting is letting your guard down.

    My rule is: I like to keep my friends close and my enemies AND their sympathizers even closer.
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    Oct 20, 2011 3:45 AM GMT
    That's something I'm really trying to work out. . . .I think sometimes the answer is that you have to cut someone out of your life, or stop associating with someone, but I think to do that. . .you have to forgive them to let them go, but I'm not really sure how to do that.
  • smudgedude

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    Oct 20, 2011 4:02 AM GMT
    forgiveness is unrealistic sometimes. and just because you don't forgive someone doesn't automatically mean that you harbor and carry around ill feelings for them.
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    Oct 20, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    There are many paths to forgiveness. One comes from the realization that all meaning this world has is given by you. The act or grievance that you may be trying to forgive only has meaning because you gave meaning to it, if that makes any sense.

    For example, I punch you face. This makes you quite upset and angry but you decide you will forgive me. When you realize all the emotional pain and suffering that came with me punching you actually came from your own mind, you would have the power to heal all of that emotional pain. I wouldn't even have to apologize because you know the power resides within your own mind.

    I find all of this easier to understand intellectually than to actually put into practice.
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    Oct 20, 2011 4:07 AM GMT
    I think the point is that you don't let past injustices consume you and ruin the rest of your life. Think of it as if the shitbag in question was a farm animal that wounded you. You don't go beat on a dumb animal. You be careful around it in the future, but don't get all emotional about it.
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    Oct 20, 2011 4:24 AM GMT
    This is my philosophy. I certainly don't forgive (depending on the offense)...and I don't ever forget. I get stronger and I move on.

    People that fuck with me and/or people I care about...they are done.

    Have a tendency to ruin the lives of people who wronged me ^^...socially anyway.
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    Oct 20, 2011 5:15 AM GMT
    GreenHopper said.. and in the unconditional love ...

    ... the Buddhists have always told me that one of the ways to heaven is for unlimited compassion for all beings...

    But what if you cant forgive someone else? What if you need to have compassion for someone who shows no compassion at all for you?

    How do you deal with the hate and resentment? how do you let them go?

    Come to mind: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do"...

    And the Buddhist wisdom: "Ignorance is the cause for all suffering"

    Surely I should be able to forgive someone that is ignorant.... but what if I have trouble believing they are ignorant... that they not what they do in complete disregard for anyone else's well-being??

    Im sure you can all think of examples in your lives... and in the world at large.. so I ask of you.. how do you forgive?


    If you'll forgive the intrusion...

    Does enlightenment require unconditional love of, say, brutality?

    Does ignorance (which is maybe not so much bliss, afterall) cause suffering or does ignorance of true nature foster attachment which causes suffering?

    If someone injures you, do you not only have to bear their infliction but also the burden to forgive them?

    If someone has no compassion for you, is your compassion for them patronizing?

    When a snake strikes you, is there any need to forgive it?
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    Oct 20, 2011 6:44 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said

    Although the Jesus and Buddhist platitudes grate on my nerves they still ring true.>


    Hahahaha, o come on, these guys werent ALL bad... Theres a reason people worship them.. I mean they shouldnt.. but thats just my opinion.. they still had some pretty good ideas ;)
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    Oct 20, 2011 6:45 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    GreenHopper said.. and in the unconditional love ...

    ... the Buddhists have always told me that one of the ways to heaven is for unlimited compassion for all beings...

    But what if you cant forgive someone else? What if you need to have compassion for someone who shows no compassion at all for you?

    How do you deal with the hate and resentment? how do you let them go?

    Come to mind: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do"...

    And the Buddhist wisdom: "Ignorance is the cause for all suffering"

    Surely I should be able to forgive someone that is ignorant.... but what if I have trouble believing they are ignorant... that they not what they do in complete disregard for anyone else's well-being??

    Im sure you can all think of examples in your lives... and in the world at large.. so I ask of you.. how do you forgive?


    If you'll forgive the intrusion...

    Does enlightenment require unconditional love of, say, brutality?

    Does ignorance (which is maybe not so much bliss, afterall) cause suffering or does ignorance of true nature foster attachment which causes suffering?

    If someone injures you, do you not only have to bear their infliction but also the burden to forgive them?

    If someone has no compassion for you, is your compassion for them patronizing?

    When a snake strikes you, is there any need to forgive it?


    I thought so yeah, because otherwise you just walk around with the anger and hate.. and thats an annoying draining emotion to have.... Like MMTM said, I do think one forgives in order to let oneself not get bogged down by the actions of others... in the end we forgive others to help ourselves...
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    Oct 20, 2011 6:48 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidThere are many paths to forgiveness. One comes from the realization that all meaning this world has is given by you. The act or grievance that you may be trying to forgive only has meaning because you gave meaning to it, if that makes any sense.

    For example, I punch you face. This makes you quite upset and angry but you decide you will forgive me. When you realize all the emotional pain and suffering that came with me punching you actually came from your own mind, you would have the power to heal all of that emotional pain. I wouldn't even have to apologize because you know the power resides within your own mind.

    I find all of this easier to understand intellectually than to actually put into practice.


    Well, the ANGER will reside with my forgiving.. the physical pain wont... thats not caused by my mind... unless you take it to the extreme and say its my consciousness that creates this world... there is something to be said for that philosophy though... but if the punch came from your mind, and the pain came from your mind, the solution should come from your mind, and thats to get the guy in a jiu jitsu choke hold at the point of passing out and having him bloody apologise.. LOL!
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    Oct 20, 2011 6:49 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI But I will strive to forgive that person for me, not for him. I will then do my best to assess how and why I attracted this type of person into my life and nine times out of ten I can see how I was accountable for how the situation ended. With that being said, I'll never trust that person again and will cut that person out of my life. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. For me, forgiving is letting go and moving on and creating a level of awareness in order not to attract that type of dynamic in my life again.

    Even still, it's really fucking hard at times. But I think it's worth it to keep trying.icon_smile.gif


    I agree... you can usually figure out later on you were not heeding warning signs and going along with a situation that was meant to end bad
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    Oct 20, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    As we hold on to the hate and the hurt the people we choose not to forgive are living their lives as if nothing happened. So why hold on to all of that? It only hurts you. You forgive, but you don't forget, because you don't want to make the same mistake again. In order to really move on one has to let go.
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    Oct 20, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    How about looking at your part in the situation? Even if that is carrying a grudge that ultimately challenges relationships you have with others.
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    Oct 20, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    I'm an atheist, so I can't say I subscribe to the religious view. Religion banks on the idea that forgiveness is divine. That somehow you are channeling some cosmic force to allow you to forgive and forget.

    Most people know this isn't how it goes.

    If someone has harmed me, and they want to make it better than I'll talk to them and see what we can do. I accept that some things in life may happen that I cannot reconcile.

    I think saying the words "I forgive you" doesn't mean a whole lot. You need to do more and share your humanity.
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    Oct 20, 2011 5:33 PM GMT
    GreenHopper saidI thought so yeah, because otherwise you just walk around with the anger and hate.. and thats an annoying draining emotion to have... in the end we forgive others to help ourselves...


    Are you in some way a product of all you experience? Do you remain all that you are before experience alters you? How do you remove a part of you and still be you? Does forgiving remove anger from being active in your life or can you just give it a place to rest though at times it may stir? Does forgiving enable bad behavior?

    I never had a problem with forgiving. I used to have a problem with forgetting. which was supposedly an enviable problem because the good man forgives but the great an forgets. In my youth I forgave and forgot.

    The problem with forgiveness is that so many who screwed you in the past will often screw you again as that is their pattern. I'm all for giving a person the chance to change as sometimes they can become the better part of themselves when they don't become just more of the worse.

    Does forgiving without forgetting lead to resentment? Can you ever have the same relationship with someone after they've done something to you which requires your forgiveness? How many times can you forgive and forget to let that cycle continue before saying enough, accepting the pain that has been inflicted upon you and living with that. "To accept the things we can not change" even with forgiveness--which does not change the event--in our private prayers for serenity.
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    Oct 20, 2011 10:39 PM GMT
    Well, isn't the point of forgiveness is for yourself rather than for the other person? Meaning that you are forgiving the other person so you can move on instead of lingering on what the other person did. When you forgive someone, you get back all the power so to speak. As long as you hold that grudge and stay angry toward the other person, then that other person has all the power. Hope this helps.
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    Oct 21, 2011 7:10 PM GMT
    I'm the type of person who can forgive under certain circumstances, but I can't forget.

    Most trespasses are trivial and or just a result of not thinking, and are easily absolved. However, some, by people we are closest to, go much, much deeper. Those are the cases that I don't forget, nor forgive simply because of a passage of time.

    However, i'm usually always willing to work on forgiving somebody if the person is GENUINELY sorry for their past actions, and I can tell that they really mean it, not just by their words, but their efforts and actions- the type of heavy regret that sits on a person's heart but is accompanied by the courage to humble themselves and make amends.

    Nobody is perfect. We all have probably wished we hadn't done/said something in the past that we look back upon with shame; people can and do evolve though.

    I've occasionally made stupid mistakes and intentionally hurt others with cruel words that I chose to use (usually when I have perceived myself as being attacked/disrespected and dealing personal stress unrelated ), but I also try to apologize when I realize the negative effects my actions have caused to another who didn't really deserve it, and how badly I had lowered myself. If I apologize, which is rare, I sincerely mean it.

    I can see how it it different to forgive a friend/loved one to somebody you don't know from adam. The latter most of us may forgive but cut all ties from or become indifferent to, and fair doos.

    I've had friends/loved ones who have done some pretty messed up stuff in the past, and had intentionally meant to do so. Some have apologized and I've eventually forgiven them, but it is hard for me to fully 100% trust them again. But, I try and I usually can forgive with time when I know the person means to change for the better and not make the same mistake again.

    Some have not apologized at all, even if they may have felt it deep down (I wouldn't know), and I've cut them out of my life. The reason was not because I thought they were evil people at heart, but simply because they never mustered the humility to apologize nor attempt to clearly explain their past actions. I don't hold any hatred to those types though, it's too consuming. If they had made amends, i'm pretty sure i'd have been able to finally work on forgiving and move forward with our pre-established friendships. But, all relationships are a two way street.

    It is what it is. None of us are perfect.

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    Oct 21, 2011 7:48 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said[...] What if you need to have compassion for someone who shows no compassion at all for you?[...]


    This is a reflection of others' standards, not those that evolved within you naturally. Why else would you need to have compassion for such a person? Never hold yourself hostage to others' ideals that you cannot relate to.

    GreenHopper said[...] Surely I should be able to forgive someone that is ignorant.... but what if I have trouble believing they are ignorant[...]


    This show your noble dedicated faith in their ability, and shows your sincere hope for them. It's like one's not wanting to accept the inability of a demented person who you know used to know the vast array of everyday things but doesn't anymore.

    GreenHopper said[...] ... how do you forgive?


    Sometimes if someone has consistently show his hateful side without being accountable for his own faults, I will not forgive. Forgiveness is a reciprocation (hope still there for renewed friendship, etc.). If it is not earned, better to just write the whole thing off by forgetting, ignoring, or better yet- replacing the feeling with a new relationship kind of thing.
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    Oct 21, 2011 8:45 PM GMT
    Oh my days, Deki. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and carried grief, and under such extreme circumstances. Really.

    You have a beautiful spirit fella, even after the hurt/misplaced guilt you've had to endure, through absolutely no fault of your own. Be proud as most people would be consumed by such a tragedy for the worse, you clearly have strength of character at your core.

    I'm happy that you managed to find such a valuable virtue as empathy through it all.



    [edit: when you're ready/free, pls answer my messages bud,,,,,,,, or i'll cut a bitch....jk, kinda ;]
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    Oct 21, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    adam228 saidI'm an atheist, so I can't say I subscribe to the religious view. Religion banks on the idea that forgiveness is divine. That somehow you are channeling some cosmic force to allow you to forgive and forget.

    Most people know this isn't how it goes.

    If someone has harmed me, and they want to make it better than I'll talk to them and see what we can do. I accept that some things in life may happen that I cannot reconcile.

    I think saying the words "I forgive you" doesn't mean a whole lot. You need to do more and share your humanity.


    Actually, most people are theists, and thus most believe forgiveness is divine.

    At any rate, you forgive not for the other person but for yourself. Forgiveness is so you can make peace, move on with YOUR life, and be whole. It's so you don't spend the rest of your days consumed by negativity and hurt.

    i have found that either you can make it happen actively by thoughtful introspection and reflection. Or it just happens naturally over time.

    I have difficulty actively forgiving when I've really been hurt, but I've found that time does heal. Without me suspecting, eventually the day rolls along when I realize I'm just not angry anymore. And that's a bittersweet relief.