BEST WAY TO MEET NON-SCENE GAYS?????

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 20, 2011 7:38 PM GMT
    i joined this site b/c, so far, it is best way that i've come up w/ to meet gay guys that are masculine and not obviously gay.

    i'm not into gay bars and gay clubs.

    how else do i meet gay guys that are masculine and don't have a rainbow flag tattooed to their forehead? (other websites, venues, events, etc?)
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    Oct 20, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidIt's probably gonna be tough, man. There are a couple of issues:

    Non-scene gays (aka "straight-acting") don't look gay...so they don't stand out....which is what you're looking for, but it also makes them damn hard to find. By not wearing their sexuality on their sleeves, they fit in with and may socialize mostly with straight folks. And it has to be acknowledged that some of them are gonna be pretty closeted....they may REALLY not want to stand out....to the point that even if they know you are gay, they may not reach out.

    The other issue (and I expect evidence of this one to show up quickly in this thread, lol) is that the "scene" gay guys often hate, loathe, dispise anything to do with "non-scene" or "straight-acting" gays...they take it as a personal insult on themselves that other guys with same sexuality aren't making exactly the same choices they are. And they often just lash-out with a bunch of "you're self-hating!" crap. So be prepared for that: you may not have much support from the flamers and closet-flamers (the guys who think they're just well-rounded homos but are really raging aging twinks inside, trying to live vicariously through antics of some of the in-your-face queens.)

    If you have a local gay social group, see if they have any organized activities, like hiking or skiiing or something. If you're in a small town, there may still be a straight bar that's the most "gay friendly" of the bunch and has one or two 'mos quietly hanging out in the background. It may take a while to break the ice, but once you're "in" with some crowd, at least you can meet all the guys they know about and start networking that way.

    For sites, there are so many...pof.com, gay.com, or go for the mainly sex options like gayfuckbookdating.com or a million others, lol.


    Are we starting this argument early now? Gay pride isnt for another what, 8 months? Oh well I will chime in.

    As a non-scene guy, I go to the scene and find others I associate with. Join a book club, swim team, sports team, volunteer around being gay. If you are looking to find someone without congregating where gay men go, good luck son.
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    Oct 20, 2011 9:30 PM GMT
    It's a problem I've thought about a lot too. I think you just have to keep looking and hope for the best. I'm not turned on by the 'obvious' gays either, in fact the opposite.

    Maybe specify on dating sites that you're looking for a non-camp guy? I dunno...
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    Oct 20, 2011 10:09 PM GMT
    This doesn't really have anything to do with the forum question directly but I want to ask you guys to weigh in on it anyway. How is it that you can be too obviously gay and not too obviously "straight-acting?" Why do you ALWAYS get complaints about obviously gay men and not the latter?
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    Oct 20, 2011 10:59 PM GMT
    thanks a lot for the responses (esp yourname2000). i'm from washington d.c. originally. i moved to nc to do my residency. i have 2.5 more years and it is killing me. i live in a relatively small city. there is one small gay bar here that seems like it is from the nineties. i went once before and almost cried b/c it was so disappointing. some ppl have suggested that join a gay-friendly church, which i'm considering. the problem is that i'm having doubts about my faith in christianity. so, i would be going mostly to meet dude. sad, right? i used to be on a gay flag football team very briefly in DC but moved for residency. there were a lot of guys that i would be interested in that league. yourname2000, thanks for the list of websites. not really looking for hookup sites though. there's nothing wrong w/ hookup now and then. but, not really my thing. thanks again for the replies. very helpfulicon_smile.gif
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    Oct 22, 2011 7:54 PM GMT
    Hellurs! I feel ya guy! lol I'm from the Wash, DC metro area and live in Chicago now. DC, CHI, NYC, ATL, HOU are going to be very different from a small town in NC. Sounds like you're at ECU in Greenville...correct? Being that you're a resident you probably would prefer to find a more "mainstream", "i'm a lot of things and i happen to be gay and ok" kinda crowd. People put too much emphasis on lables and following the crowd. Don't follow - be who you want to be and you don't owe ANYBODY any explanations or apologies. The Research Triangle area "Raleigh/Durham" may offer a cool escape for you, as people there are more progressive, educated and diverse on many levels. Don't let Christianity jade you. I'm an African American, masculine, mainstream non scene guy and i'm Christian and out, but don't necessarily wear it on my sleeve. My church here in Chicago is African American, AfroLatino, other races and Black Gays are out! Its cool as hell!!!! However, many of my colleagues do wear it on their sleeve...cool icon_biggrin.gif Don't look, let it happen. Get involved in a community activity, sports, volunteer group. Go to medical conferences (NMA, SNMA, Pri-med, The US MSM Conference and HIV medicine). These are where i tend to meet the coolest, most laid back mainstream gay docs and other professionals. lol Keep ur head up, move forward, keep your eyes open...you'll find "him"! God Bless :-)
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:12 PM GMT
    People who bitch about "the scene" (whatever THAT is) or go on about "masculine" guys or whatever are the ones that are usually the most into "the scene" or something.

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    Oct 22, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    atlantasouthguy saidThis doesn't really have anything to do with the forum question directly but I want to ask you guys to weigh in on it anyway. How is it that you can be too obviously gay and not too obviously "straight-acting?" Why do you ALWAYS get complaints about obviously gay men and not the latter?

    I would kick a straight acting man to the curb. No thanks!
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    Just wondering how long 'til...

    _716609_napalm300.jpg
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    Cash saidJust wondering how long 'til...

    _716609_napalm300.jpg


    Obligatory Brenda pic.

    brenda-eating-popcorn_o_GIFSoupcom-1.gif
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    This is gonna get ugly lol
  • tuffguyndc

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    Oct 22, 2011 8:35 PM GMT
    hellurs saidi joined this site b/c, so far, it is best way that i've come up w/ to meet gay guys that are masculine and not obviously gay.

    i'm not into gay bars and gay clubs.

    how else do i meet gay guys that are masculine and don't have a rainbow flag tattooed to their forehead? (other websites, venues, events, etc?)
    dude, that is a tough one because like one of your other posters stated guys like that are not going to be at a club or bar. they also are very masculine so you will probably think they are straight. where do you live?
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:37 PM GMT
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:40 PM GMT
    If you're looking for some "Non-Scene" gay guys... you can always try looking IN THE CLOSET.icon_eek.gif
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:40 PM GMT
    This. All of this, actually. In the same boat. You just have to be persistent and patient and just wade through the guys who aren't matches.

    yourname2000 saidIt's probably gonna be tough, man. There are a couple of issues:

    Non-scene gays (aka "straight-acting") don't look gay...so they don't stand out....which is what you're looking for, but it also makes them damn hard to find. By not wearing their sexuality on their sleeves, they fit in with and may socialize mostly with straight folks. And it has to be acknowledged that some of them are gonna be pretty closeted....they may REALLY not want to stand out....to the point that even if they know you are gay, they may not reach out.

    The other issue (and I expect evidence of this one to show up quickly in this thread, lol) is that the "scene" gay guys often hate, loathe, dispise anything to do with "non-scene" or "straight-acting" gays...they take it as a personal insult on themselves that other guys with same sexuality aren't making exactly the same choices they are. And they often just lash-out with a bunch of "you're self-hating!" crap. So be prepared for that: you may not have much support from the flamers and closet-flamers (the guys who think they're just well-rounded homos but are really raging aging twinks inside, trying to live vicariously through antics of some of the in-your-face queens.)

    If you have a local gay social group, see if they have any organized activities, like hiking or skiiing or something. If you're in a small town, there may still be a straight bar that's the most "gay friendly" of the bunch and has one or two 'mos quietly hanging out in the background. It may take a while to break the ice, but once you're "in" with some crowd, at least you can meet all the guys they know about and start networking that way.

    For sites, there are so many...pof.com, gay.com, or go for the mainly sex options like gayfuckbookdating.com or a million others, lol.
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    The issues of "masculinity" and "Straight acting" have been discussed here ad nauseum.... suffice it to say that there has to be something going on when some people try so hard to fit themselves into the "masculine" and "straight acting" boxes..... which then one can deduce what schemas the person saying these things has about gay men in general.

    Much to many people's surprise, one can be gay and "masculine" and that's it.

    Gay + Masculine = Gay + Masculine.

    NOT

    Gay + Masculine = Straight Acting.

    Straight Acting is a toxic term that does point to internalized homophobia.... much to the dismay and denial of those who use the term and defend it. That's all a bunch of noise.


    Anyway.... to the OP's question....

    Find people who share your interests! RJ is a good place to meet people. And there are other websites that aren't sexually oriented that you could use. LGBT friendly church, social groups.

    Lastly... stop judging people based on how they look or what you immediately perceive of them.

    I made that mistake earlier this year - I met a guy who lives in the same building as my good friend here in Boston. He's in the unit above my friend. He's originally from NYC - Brooklyn. First time he came out with us, he looked like he walked out of an episode of the jersey shore, I kid you not. Greasy dyed hair, tight Abercrombie-ish T shirt, RIPPED up jeans, overly accessorized.....

    However, much to my own surprise, I found that he is a GREAT person and we've hung out many times now, always had a ball. In that moment I had to kick myself. Because I was a complete moron to judge him the way I did..... we are so quick to assume that we can't find anything in common or fun about people who are not "like" us. In reality we don't know anyone until we meet them and give them a chance.

    The same thing goes for the "feminine" "queens" that you (and so many others) are inadvertently (or maybe not) judging. Perhaps the fact that they are "feminine" strikes a chord within you that makes you uncomfortable. Time to explore what that is and why you're so afraid of it that you feel the need to push them all away en masse.

    There are many people on here who I shall not name, who lack any self-reflective capacity on this subject. Those are people who really, I feel sorry for. This is the attitude of people who are unwilling to be open and learn about themselves .... very limiting, I think.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    On a humorous note - if you're masculine or "straight-acting" people assume you're straight, which sucks too.

    I do agree with the OP though, I'm really not into the scene, other than going to some gay bars and dancing every now and then. I still don't know many gay guys in real life. I'm most attracted to guys who like to do masculine things, etc, but i've also liked guys who are obviously gay and comfortable with themselves.

    I think we should focus on what gay guys like to do when they're not in the scene and we'll all be happy.
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    OH, it's started!

    Save me a seat by Brenda.
  • tuffguyndc

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    Oct 22, 2011 8:59 PM GMT
    Jeandeau saidIf you're looking for some "Non-Scene" gay guys... you can always try looking IN THE CLOSET.icon_eek.gif
    what a typical statement. just because someone is not into the scene does not mean they are in the closet
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    Oct 22, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    Jeandeau saidIf you're looking for some "Non-Scene" gay guys... you can always try looking IN THE CLOSET.icon_eek.gif
    what a typical statement. just because someone is not into the scene does not mean they are in the closet


    I think people's defintions of "the scene" can change dramatically from person to person.

    For some people it means any gathering of gay people above 2 individuals.

    For others its gay bars

    For others its not the scene until you include pride and crazy circuit parties that dont even run anymore....

    So really, what is "the scene" ...... another idea to consider....
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Oct 22, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    Jeandeau saidIf you're looking for some "Non-Scene" gay guys... you can always try looking IN THE CLOSET.icon_eek.gif


    Sympathize here. The scene/non-scene dichotomy is bullshit. Nobody actually is either. Some guys lack confidence in their own authenticity and try to fill a mold, but that usually falls away with maturity...like by mid to late twenties.
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    Oct 22, 2011 9:27 PM GMT
    Jeandeau saidIf you're looking for some "Non-Scene" gay guys... you can always try looking IN THE CLOSET.icon_eek.gif


    So many to choose from, I'm not going easter egg hunting to find a gem of a closeted man..... although would that work?icon_rolleyes.gif
  • tuffguyndc

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    Oct 22, 2011 9:30 PM GMT
    Passionplay88 said
    Jeandeau saidIf you're looking for some "Non-Scene" gay guys... you can always try looking IN THE CLOSET.icon_eek.gif


    So many to choose from, I'm not going easter egg hunting to find a gem of a closeted man..... although would that work?icon_rolleyes.gif
    did you read this before you posted it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 9:34 PM GMT
    Greyhound station bathrrom?

    Doesn't seem to "scene" to me!

    But then again, I don't know anything.
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    Oct 22, 2011 9:46 PM GMT
    The minute you joined this website and started posting in forums, going into chat, and started to IM guys you became part of a gay scene.