Dating rules

  • Profire

    Posts: 224

    Oct 22, 2011 3:54 PM GMT
    Wondering if I am being too harsh on a guy in our 2nd date.

    I recommended dinner and drinks and he said, "great, I can bring over some food and we can cook at you place", so I agreed but said I got the food (since I would need to do some prep wotk).
    He asked what he could bring, and being a good host I said "nothing".

    He showed up at my house bringing "nothing". I assumed he would have at least brougt s bottle I wine,
    Then the moment he stepped into my apartment he kicked his shoes off (btw I hate feet).
    Night proceeds and I am cooking and he looks at me and says "I want to give you a hug" and comes around the kitchen island to give me a hug.
    Finally cuddling in the couch and after 5 minutes he says "well, guess I will let you get some rest" and leaves.

    I told him I didn't think thus was working.

    Am I being too judgmental?

    Is there a set if dating rules that we should all follow?
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    Oct 22, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    too judgmental, no. i probably would have done the same thing. I feel like there used to be rules and appropriate/polite things to do but people just don't think about them anymore (bringing a bottle of wine over when told 'nothing').

    I just feel like people have lost the sense of putting in effort and thinking about things, and coming from someone who too, is also starting to see a guy and just had dinner with him- i'd say go at your own pace. Too many guys think things are going too quickly, or they want to avoid opening up and being close to someone. just gotta see what works with the both of you.


    as for your situation, yea, he seems weird and i agree with you, but you gotta ask yourself if its worth spending more time with each other or not.
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    Oct 22, 2011 4:57 PM GMT
    I have to say that I was raised in a family that shunned drinking. I will have to remember to bring wine if I'm ever invited over.

    But, this started out awkward when a guy volunteers you to host and do the cooking for the second date.

    That can't be normal.
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    Oct 22, 2011 4:58 PM GMT
    If I were him, I probably would have insisted on bringing something or at least doing a lot of the work (if I knew how to cook), but he took you literally when you said "nothing". You can't really fault him for that.

    I wouldn't necessarily say that you are being too judgmental. If your personalities didn't match, then the relationship isn't going to go anywhere.
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:04 PM GMT
    It sounds like he's not as socialized as you are and took being invited to your home as a chance to be comfortable with you and you still maintained some semblance of separation. I think it was just misinterpretation of the event on both levels... are you going to try for a 3rd date? Maybe tell him you aren't used to someone acting like that?
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    Well, I have a little different view on your situation:

    * First, in your place, with you doing the major cooking, if a guy asks what he can bring, instead of saying "nothing" I would have said, "Why don't you bring a good cab (if you're doing red meat) or a chardonnay" (if you're doing fish or chicken). I would have also suggested he bring the salad as well - to even things out. If I was in his shoes, I'd have been happy to contribute those things. If a host asks that I bring nothing - to me it means he has it all under control that night and truly has no need or room for anything else.

    * Secondly, a lot of people remove shoes now - when they are comfortable with you and want to be more romantic (just so long as their feet are cleaned up and good looking). Other people when they see white carpeting or good Oriental rugs, try to be respectful and remove shoes - if they feel it is a casual situation. When you say you don't like feet - I can't understand what you're saying - since to me - a guy's good looking feet are such a turn-on.

    * Third, I'm not sure what you're saying in the end there. Do you mean he made an early exit? Do you think the whole night just showed you both that there was a lack of chemistry? Or maybe just on his part? Do you think he got your vibe, and sensed you were not happy with his coming empty handed and lost interest in you?

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    Oct 22, 2011 5:39 PM GMT
    I love gay men. I told him to bring nothing and that's what he did. I'm upset! Then why tell him to bring nothing dude?
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    You told him to bring nothing, so why did you expect him to bring a bottle of wine? icon_confused.gif
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:45 PM GMT
    Firstly, since he offered to bring food and then you told him to bring nothing, you shouldn't be upset when he did what you said.
    It doesn't sound like he was being stingy.

    Taking your shoes off when entering someone's home is normal, courteous and considerate behaviour. Nothing strange with that.

    So yes it sounds like you are being too judgemental and uptight as well.
    It probably would have gone better if you had discussed the assumptions you had rather than keeping them to yourself and being resentful.
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    In an Asian household, its often a sign of respect to remove shoes.

    Every guy has flaws. The big question is whether you can deal with the flaw. This guy may just be socially inept, which is easily correctable. On the hand, if its part of a deeper character flaw....like being oblivious to other people's feelings...then maybe he's not the one for you.
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:49 PM GMT
    NiklasErik said
    Taking your shoes off when entering someone's home is normal, courteous and considerate behaviour. Nothing strange with that.

    .


    It's not normal in America, I think in Canada it is but I'm not sure. I didn't know in Europe that was the case as well. I'm not American but in my house, we took our shoes off because my mom is half Korean.
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    U should get over ur feet phobia if possible. That should not be a reason to ruin ur dates. Don't narrow down ur chances unnecessarily. All I saw here was multiple signs of respect from ur date. He seems from what u said like a caring person and the fact that he didn't try to fuck u on a second date should be appreciated.
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:55 PM GMT
    Chainers saidI love gay men. I told him to bring nothing and that's what he did. I'm upset! Then why tell him to bring nothing dude?


    My thoughts exactly.
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    Oct 22, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    I grew up in the country, where mud and dirt is everywhere. It is common practice to always take your shoes off when entering the house, for that reason. Many people even have separate "mud rooms" at the back door. I always ask my friends whether to take my shoes off when I go to their homes...

    Two things:

    1.) I think you are being way too harsh.
    2.) You are inviting the "problems" by fast-forwarding to an evening dinner at home. If you need to be so stand-offish (which I am sometimes when I've just met someone- that's ok) then you need to stick to lunches and day time activities until you can get to know the guy better.
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:03 PM GMT
    NiklasErik saidFirstly, since he offered to bring food and then you told him to bring nothing, you shouldn't be upset when he did what you said.
    It doesn't sound like he was being stingy.

    Taking your shoes off when entering someone's home is normal, courteous and considerate behaviour. Nothing strange with that.

    So yes it sounds like you are being too judgemental and uptight as well.
    It probably would have gone better if you had discussed the assumptions you had rather than keeping them to yourself and being resentful.


    This but I would have stated it a bit nicer...haha.
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:03 PM GMT
    I love cooking and think that as a second date it was a great idea. It seems like you almost expected it to be awkward since you had other plans in mind besides cooking at your place. As far as the shoe thing, I'd be completely offended if a guy refused to take off his shoes when entering my place. It's all about respect. I would never have brought nothing even though I was told to and I would have helped out with the cooking.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Oct 22, 2011 6:04 PM GMT
    I think you're probably being a little harsh *just* from what was stated in your post. My mother taught me to never visit someone's home empty handed so I always bring a bottle of wine or similar item when I'm invited to somebody's home, but not everyone was raised that way. You told him to bring nothing and he followed your instructions so I don't think you can hold that against him. I think taking his shoes off showed he was comfortable and he probably left after 5 minutes of cuddling because you gave off the same vibes as you did in your post.

    The other side: As far as his suggesting he come to your place instead of going out for dinner and drinks, that would be a red flag for me. If he did it because he was in a pinch financially, then he should have invited you to his place and not the other way around.
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:07 PM GMT
    waccamatt saidI think you're probably being a little harsh *just* from what was stated in your post. My mother taught me to never visit someone's home empty handed so I always bring a bottle of wine or similar item when I'm invited to somebody's home, but not everyone was raised that way. You told him to bring nothing and he followed your instructions so I don't think you can hold that against him. I think taking his shoes off showed he was comfortable and he probably left after 5 minutes of cuddling because you gave off the same vibes as you did in your post.

    The other side: As far as his suggesting he come to your place instead of going out for dinner and drinks, that would be a red flag for me. If he did it because he was in a pinch financially, then he should have invited you to his place and not the other way around.


    I've def made the invite over mistake before. It can be difficult because at times my roommate trashes the kitchen. I usually give my dates a choice but will cook no matter what
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:08 PM GMT
    Hmm, yeah I don't get it. . . .

    You told him to bring nothing, and then got your panties in a twist when he did, in fact, bring nothing. . .

    And then as a sign of respect, he takes off his shoes, and that upsets you as well.

    Cooking dinner for someone (in my opinion) is a very intimate date, and wouldn't be something I would expect a guy to do for me unless he felt very comfortable with me and wanted me to feel relaxed in his home - so if you didn't feel comfortable, you probably shouldn't have agreed to cooking him dinner. . .

    Sounds to me like it is kind of your fault it didn't go well, actually it sounds like it is mostly your fault. He almost certainly picked up on your stand-offish or offended vibes and wanted to dip the fuck out.
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    No, don't worry. That guy didn't deserve you.

    I mean you've cooked for him?
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    Hmm, I think you did the right thing. Sounds like he was hoping to get into your pants but you didn't want to go that way yet, so he left because he wasn't getting any. He might have been one of those tap and run men, so you were right to let him go. Besides, he said he was going to bring food and he bought nothing. That's rude. So good move icon_cool.gif
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:28 PM GMT
    OP honestly you sound like a girl now...."I told him I didn't want anything for my birthday, and I can't believe he didn't get me anything"

  • patmos9990

    Posts: 146

    Oct 22, 2011 6:28 PM GMT
    Sounds like you were sending off some negative vibes that he was picking up on which is probably why he left early.
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:30 PM GMT
    Steel1 saidHmm, I think you did the right thing. Sounds like he was hoping to get into your pants but you didn't want to go that way yet, so he left because he wasn't getting any. He might have been one of those tap and run men, so you were right to let him go. Besides, he said he was going to bring food and he bought nothing. That's rude. So good move icon_cool.gif


    The OP's the one who told him to bring nothing.
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    Oct 22, 2011 6:31 PM GMT
    Hypnotico said
    Steel1 saidHmm, I think you did the right thing. Sounds like he was hoping to get into your pants but you didn't want to go that way yet, so he left because he wasn't getting any. He might have been one of those tap and run men, so you were right to let him go. Besides, he said he was going to bring food and he bought nothing. That's rude. So good move icon_cool.gif


    The OP's the one who told him to bring nothing.


    If you offer to bring food, even though the host says bring nothing, it still is good to bring at least one thing, so the host doesn't have to prepare everything himself.