Taking time to work on myself?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    I don't really know why I'm posting this, and I'm a little self-conscious about doing so but. . .oh well, I'm just gonna go with it.

    Lately I've been forcing myself to "put myself out there" and to be open to new experiences but I don't feel like I am getting the result I had hoped for.

    I think a part of me is still not entirely confident with who I am, so I feel like I want to take a step back to focus on myself and work on the things that I am not so comfortable/confident with before I put myself out there again. . .is that a bad decision? I don't want to be anti-social, but a lot of the people I have met don't really seem to share the same interests or perspectives as myself (I'm a freshman in college, and a lot of the people I have met are all party, all the time, which is fine. . .but it is just genuinlely not "me")

    I know this is kind of rant-y, but I guess my question just boils down to. . .is it okay to take a step back to focus on myself?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:49 PM GMT
    I think its a great time to do that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    You may wish to do this every day.

    Or not.

    Do whataver the fuck you want and God bless.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    I think it's great. You've got to take care of yourself and do what's best for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2011 9:59 PM GMT
    No. That's the place I am at in my life. Which is why I started posting to this profile. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself. But let me tell you, just posting anything to this site has been a major step for me. I have faced rejection most of my life and that is my biggest fear. This site is filled with potential rejection - so it is a good exercise for me to stretch myself.

    If you are not seeing the results you want, there is nothing wrong with stepping back, re-evaluating, and regrouping. Then you can start moving forward again.

    Good luck to you.

  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Oct 22, 2011 10:35 PM GMT
    Ok. By taking a step back and looking at yourself, do you mean to develop your self-confidence, your self-assertiveness, your ability to communicate etc?

    Because chances are that growing up as a gay man you don't get the chance to develop these skills until later in life, or there's some type of homophobia holding you back.

    If these are the skills you mean, try finding out from your local gay men's association if there are any courses around offering those. These are quite often run by gay men's associations over here : Friendships course, confident cruising, getting a boyfriend, communication skills, self-confidence etc. - are all run in the UK by an organisation called GMFA. The whole idea being that by learning to assert ourselves, communicate more and generally feel better about ourselves, we have less chance of becoming HIV+.

    The Gay men's welfare group should also be offering one-to-one support on these issues too, plus also be there if you haven't come to terms with your sexual orientation. Google and see what comes up.

    Get back in touch with me if you want more info on this.

    And that is really good that you're taking time out to do this kinda work and not party - bet you there's a lot of folk on here wish they would be doing the same! Well done mate!!!
  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    Oct 22, 2011 11:04 PM GMT
    You can see this as an opportunity to really get to know yourself. But, please resist the temptation to put life on hold whilst you do it. Realise that you will continually grow as a person throughout life, and tackle self-development incrementally. Perhaps set aside an hour or two each week to read a bit and write notes and things, but at the same time, EXPERIMENT with new ideas and new ways of doing things. There is no right answer, and you'll waste your life if you seek to be a perfect person.

    My advice would be this. Figure out your personality type, for starters - do a Myers-Briggs test. Don't take it to heart, though - just use it as a guide. Also try to do a Strengths Finder test (strengthsfinder.com). This may help a lot to shed light on things. Remember though - you can 'bend' your personality type depending on the situation.

    For any 'weaknesses' that you feel you have, or where you feel you don't relate to people, do this:

    1. First, remind yourself of your intrinsic value as a human being (i.e. your self-esteem), and that we are entitled to happiness as a basic right.

    2. Cherish and make the most of your strengths.

    3. For your 'weaknesses' - first, simply accept them. Acceptance really is key here. Once you've accepted them, you can start to think how to change them. It is crucial to step out of your head and detach from how you FEEL about things. If you were helping an actor to act the way you currently do, what would you say? Describe your behaviour, and the feelings behind them. Next, think of someone you know that has the quality you are aiming for. What do you imagine they are thinking and feeling? What behaviours do they show? Again, describe it in the way you would tell an actor to play that character with that quality. Then, probably for about 1 month, visualise yourself acting with that new quality. When in real life, detach from your feelings, get outside your head, and then experiment with acting in that way. In time, you'll become more authentic and you'll adopt the new behaviour, if it works for you.

    4. When thinking of your place in the world, be wary of a 'Me vs rest of the world' mentality, which is only leads to a sense of social exclusion. Instead, look for common vulnerabilities in others that you see in yourself, resist any self-pity, and choose to make the best of things.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 23, 2011 12:02 AM GMT
    Why wouldn't it be? You're 18 years old...it's a huge part of what you should be doing. Just don't let it become an excuse for not engaging with others at all. Remember: we learn a lot about ourselves through our interactions with other people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 23, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    If you don't focus on yourself, nobody else will.