Question of Monogamy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2008 12:04 AM GMT
    Can gay men be faithfull to each other?
    With all the hot men out there, can you be with only one for the rest of your life?
    Or will you stray?
    Have you ever cheated?
    Would you date someone who has cheated?
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    May 26, 2008 12:15 AM GMT
    I'm in a monogamous relationship and have no intention of cheating. But then again, if I did or my partner did, it would be speaking volumns about our relationship.

  • HereNBoston

    Posts: 221

    May 26, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    my boyfriend cheated on me awhile ago. two days before our trip to visit his fam, a trip which i paid for in full. It only recently started to bother me though. i'm not enough of a moral absolutist to dump him right off the bat. But then again it could've be that I just didn't have the guts. icon_confused.gif

    it seems like mainstream gay culture tends to be about the next big thing... which unfortunately translates over to dating habits.
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    May 26, 2008 3:06 AM GMT
    Was monogamous for 16 years of my relationship. It was really built on trust, and we kept to it. You've got to have that good communication and trust going for it to work.

    So, could I be with just one man for the rest of my life? Yes, because to me the relationship is that valuable. Also, there are many examples of men being faithful to each other (here on RJ and elsewhere).

    I should just say (not to send this down a rat's hole) that I don't see that monogamous and faithful are exactly the same.

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    May 26, 2008 3:14 AM GMT
    This is a question that really depends on you and the person you are with. Anything is possibly including a healthy, cheat-free relationship.
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    May 26, 2008 3:33 AM GMT
    I know that I have some problems with monogamy...

    so what about having a fantasy about another person, is that a form of cheating?
    and watching porn?

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2008 7:04 AM GMT
    not in my book icon_smile.gif
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    May 26, 2008 7:14 AM GMT
    If fantasy and porn is a crime then lock me up now. LOL.

    Thinking about it is totally legit and watching porn is cool as long as it's done in moderation. When thought turns into physical action and it gets in the way of things then problems might insue.
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    May 26, 2008 7:20 AM GMT
    _isy_ said
    so what about having a fantasy about another person, is that a form of cheating?
    and watching porn?

    icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif


    Depends on the strength of the individual

    I am not really into porn and if a partner of mine suddenly out of the blue started getting into it I would question his need for porn, or rather the fact that I wasnt satisfying him and he wanted desperatly to try something new and kinky. The question would then be can I accomodate that?

    For some porn can be a prelude to a cheat.

    Monogamy for some is just not a reality and its better to be open and honest. Wouldnt ever suggest a 3 some again as a way of keeping a relationship fresh as thats just a road to disaster as one or the other is normaly emotionaly immature
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    May 26, 2008 7:26 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that Phx. I am in the same boat as you. I've never been in a relationship and I've never dated either (no I don't sleep around either). I Just haven't found anyone interesting or it could be reversed. Whatever I say. I've got the rest of my life so I'm not worried about it.

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    May 26, 2008 8:08 AM GMT
    The entire question actually revolves more around issues of truth and honesty rather than cheating and lying.

    Here's why. I know of many couples who agree to an open relationship, whereby having sex with others is not cheating. It only becomes cheating when secrecy and lying are involved. This is true of porn and online chat as well.

    I have never cheated on my partner, never would. If I wanted to have sex with someone else, then I would question my own intentions within my existing relationship and talk to my partner on the results.

    If there was something missing within our relationship that made me want to seek it elsewhere, then I should be strong and honest enough to talk about it with my partner first. If there can be no resolution, then I would rather break off a relationship than risk the implications of hurting my partner by my indiscretions.

    In the end, only truth and honesty can ever win out in any kind of relationship. It is secrets and lies that hurt more than actions.
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    May 26, 2008 10:33 AM GMT
    Monogamy has never been difficult for me to be honest. I occasionally watch porn because it is a form of entertainment, I don't consider it real. I would consider having cyber sex (e.g. web cam) with a guy a form of cheating.

    Anytime I go to a gay bar I make sure that I don't do anything to lead another guy on to make him think I have a sexual interest.
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    May 26, 2008 11:20 AM GMT
    I have a question to those who have never cheated and always been monogamous - don't you get bored having sex with the same person? How do you make it exciting and interesting once you done it loads of times?
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    May 26, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
    i've never cheated...and I probably wouldn't date a cheater...if he's done it once, he'll most likely do it again...

    and to the above poster....

    It doesn't get dull...if you stay connected with your partner..sex is just another form of communication...albeit a really fun one!
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    May 26, 2008 2:58 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidI have a question to those who have never cheated and always been monogamous - don't you get bored having sex with the same person? How do you make it exciting and interesting once you done it loads of times?


    Creativity ;)

    I've only ever been in monogamous relationships, and it's never been a problem for me.

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    May 26, 2008 3:12 PM GMT
    Can gay men be faithful to each other?

    It's possible, though I'm finding to be only in very rare cases


    With all the hot men out there, can you be with only one for the rest of your life?

    Personally, yes I can. I wouldn't be with someone (settle) that I wasn't passionate about. Someone that I clicked with as well as they click with me. Which is probably why I remain single for long periods at a time. I go on dates and stuff, but don't get too serious unless that person and I share that indescribable something that makes a relationship (LTR) possible.


    Or will you stray?

    I have never strayed


    Have you ever cheated?

    I have never, nor will I ever cheat. Cheating in my opinion is the lowest of the low, most selfish, disrespectful, loathsome acts one can do to another. I have yet to understand how you can treat someone you supposedly love/care about with such disregard. And to those that say it was an accident, or didn't mean for it to happen... Shut the fuck up, cause you're full of shit. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Would you date someone who has cheated?

    If I know someone to be a cheater and they asked me out, then absolutely not. They're pretty much blacklisted in my mind. Once a cheat, always a cheat... it's just a matter of time. If it were someone I was already dating, and then I found out about a past instance... I'd probably have a hard time trusting them, and would probably not be able to continue the relationship.
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    May 26, 2008 3:40 PM GMT
    BostonVBall, I pretty much could have written your post. I agree. Although, I'm not finding it as rare as you, I guess, since a lot of my friends do not have any intention of cheating.
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    May 26, 2008 3:47 PM GMT
    _isy_ saidI know that I have some problems with monogamy...

    so what about having a fantasy about another person, is that a form of cheating?
    and watching porn?

    icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif


    This may sound strange.........but I don't see the connection between being in a healthy loving relationship and being monogamous.

    Monogamy is not somehing that automatically kicks in after you fall in love. It may take years. It may never happen. I would never promise that to someone when I know I probably couldn't do it.

    I don't think monogamy is necesarrily the goal or the ideal. Straight people are supposed to want to be committed to it after they sign that piece of paper. But as a gay man I have no desire to be forced into a convention that won't work for me.

    I don't think monogamy is a naural condition for me.
  • imperator

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    May 26, 2008 5:11 PM GMT
    There's the matter of how one defines monogamy... I've been with my bf for almost 5 years now and have never cheated on him, but when we started together we came to an understanding that cybersex wouldn't count as 'cheating.' So I've had all manner of dirty talk and occasionally on-cam debauchery with guys online, but between the bf and I my record's considered clean.

    He, on the other hand.. :-/ even though it was 'just' kissing, he did mess around on my by 'just kissing' another guy a little over a year ago. A guy who then tried to break us up so he could make a run at me, and when I turned him down he fabricated a complaint of (essentially) sexual assault against my bf which has dragged him through hell for the last year and he hasn't even had his court date yet. So besides all of the "you messed around on me" tension that the deed itself created in our relationship, there's been month-long bouts of depressed anxiety that put our sex life on hold, and there's still tension over whether I'll be able to keep my own job in a gov't/police building if my bf's convicted.

    The moral of the story is don't fuckin mess around on your man! Because even if he doesn't dump your ass for it, and even if you can live with yourself for doing it, sometimes there are huge, awful consequences that can utterly torpedo your life.
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    May 26, 2008 5:26 PM GMT
    BostonVball saidCan gay men be faithful to each other?

    It's possible, though I'm finding to be only in very rare cases


    With all the hot men out there, can you be with only one for the rest of your life?

    Personally, yes I can. I wouldn't be with someone (settle) that I wasn't passionate about. Someone that I clicked with as well as they click with me. Which is probably why I remain single for long periods at a time. I go on dates and stuff, but don't get too serious unless that person and I share that indescribable something that makes a relationship (LTR) possible.


    Or will you stray?

    I have never strayed


    Have you ever cheated?

    I have never, nor will I ever cheat. Cheating in my opinion is the lowest of the low, most selfish, disrespectful, loathsome acts one can do to another. I have yet to understand how you can treat someone you supposedly love/care about with such disregard. And to those that say it was an accident, or didn't mean for it to happen... Shut the fuck up, cause you're full of shit. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Would you date someone who has cheated?

    If I know someone to be a cheater and they asked me out, then absolutely not. They're pretty much blacklisted in my mind. Once a cheat, always a cheat... it's just a matter of time. If it were someone I was already dating, and then I found out about a past instance... I'd probably have a hard time trusting them, and would probably not be able to continue the relationship.


    I respect your opinions...but they sure are stern and if i have to say.......full of cliches..........So I haver a quesion. You say only in very rare cases are gay men faihful to each oher. Later, you say cheaters are this and that...bascially lower than scum.

    So except for the handful of guys who are faithful, all the rest are the lowest of the low, selfish and loathsome? That's a pretty broad swipe at a lot of people and limits the gene pool a lot, right? You may find yourself someday proudly wearing your pride and philosphy and yet siting alone in a corner.

    And just to put in perspective, your ideas would apply not only to gay men, but straight men and women, in every country?

    And you would break up with someone over a past wandering eye even when it had nothing to do with you?

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    May 26, 2008 5:38 PM GMT
    Yes I am faithful and will always be that way but I window shop like everyone else!
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    May 26, 2008 5:39 PM GMT
    this is probably my biggest fear about starting a new life as a gay man. I don't know if it's because I've had this pent up desire to be with someone or if it's because I could never be monogamous. I want to have one special person but having come from a relationship where I was not fulfilled, I'm not sure if it's me or just that I've never had what would make me happy.

    I find it very scary to be honest.
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    May 26, 2008 5:42 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidthis is probably my biggest fear about starting a new life as a gay man. I don't know if it's because I've had this pent up desire to be with someone or if it's because I could never be monogamous. I want to have one special person but having come from a relationship where I was not fulfilled, I'm not sure if it's me or just that I've never had what would make me happy.

    I find it very scary to be honest.

    If it is the right guy, you would never question it. You would know it.
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    May 26, 2008 5:47 PM GMT
    Luckydog76 said[quote][cite] If it is the right guy, you would never question it. You would know it.

    I think you have more confidence in me than I do Thanks!
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    May 26, 2008 5:56 PM GMT
    eb925guy said[quote][cite]Luckydog76 said[/cite][quote][cite] If it is the right guy, you would never question it. You would know it.

    I think you have more confidence in me than I do Thanks!


    And certainly more than I do. But then I know how this man trawled 23rd St in Arlington...it was shameless! Shameless, I tell you!!!