Being a dad...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 23, 2011 4:55 PM GMT
    So yesterday, my good friend and I discovered that she's pregnant. The real father and her have only been dating for a few weeks now, so we don't know how he's going to react. If things go badly between them, she really won't have anyone in her life to help with the baby. I've been playing around with the idea of being a father figure for the child.

    Advice? Ideas? Thoughts?
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    Oct 23, 2011 5:00 PM GMT
    steve-zahn.jpg
    Heavy shit, man.


    Look, I don't want to come across cold... But you have a life ahead of you. Be an UNCLE figure if you want. This isn't your child, or your mistake. You can't accomplish your dream of having a family through your friend.
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    Oct 23, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    Hopefully the real father will step up and assume his responsibilities. Here are a few questions you need to consider for yourself. Are you ready to commit to at least 18 years for this child? Remember, even after 18 years, if not financially, you will be committed emotionally. Once a dad, always a dad. What happens if the real father steps up later on? Have you thought this out very carefully? This isn’t something that you can just jump into and out of if you decide later to change your mind. All kids need stability to be successful. Things can go wrong quickly for a child that is in a situation where the parents are not there for them for whatever reasons. Some kids can adapt to changing situations very well. Some never adapt to change. Kudos to you for wanting to step up and help if necessary. Just make sure that you are aware that this is a life changing decision for you.
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    Oct 23, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    Bad move: don't do it.

    You worry about her not working out with the guy she's dating... But what if you invest emotionally in this child, and he in you, and somehow you don't work out with the mother? You're not his father: you have no social or legal rights. No power. But you will have put your heart and the child's completely at the mercy of others.

    A child needs a father figure, but a father figure is a figure of stability. You'd be inserting yourself into an inherently unstable situation.
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    Oct 23, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    Don't get involved. It may seem like a cute idea now. But down the road, not so much.

    I'm gonna be jerk for a minute, but you really should convince your friend to get an abortion. She got knocked up by a guy she's only been dating for a few weeks? Yeah, good luck getting him to stick around. Unless your friend is financially independent, she and her potential child will have a very long struggle ahead of them. Why inflict that type of hardship on a child?
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    Oct 23, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidBad move: don't do it.

    You worry about her not working out with the guy she's dating... But what if you invest emotionally in this child, and he in you, and somehow you don't work out with the mother? You're not his father: you have no social or legal rights. No power. But you will have put your heart and the child's completely at the mercy of others.

    A child needs a father figure, but a father figure is a figure of stability. You'd be inserting yourself into an inherently unstable situation.


    Exactly.
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    Oct 23, 2011 6:43 PM GMT
    I have been in this exact situation and it would be a very very bad situation if you go along with this idea. Be an the gay uncle. You can be a male rolemodel and still give the kid that interaction if you want. To be a father figure issue is just going to create daddy issues down the line and lots of stress for you and your friend. You'd be putting to risk your friendship and really your identity. Kids change the picture and change people quick. Be sure to really think about this. What about your own kids if you choose to have them? I wouldn't put anyone elses kids before my own. Just one man's opinion. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
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    Oct 23, 2011 6:44 PM GMT
    Wow, some harsh advice here.

    I won't dismiss your idea outright, but have some questions.

    How long have you and this girl been friends? Sounds like you've been thinking about being a dad even before this development, true?

    Assuming your friend is open to this idea would you be prepared to go so far as adopting this child to show a lifelong commitment, or do you just want to play dad without any legal obligation? If your honest answer is the latter and not the former, you should take a serious pause and reconsider.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Oct 23, 2011 6:47 PM GMT
    I have to go along with the uncle advice - you can still be a male role model in the child's life, but you will still not have made some sort of a commitment to always be there for them. Friendships change over the years and it is a real possibility that in 10 years you'll have an entirely new set of friends.
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    Oct 23, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    hoosier_daddy said
    Larkin_PLR saidBad move: don't do it.

    You worry about her not working out with the guy she's dating... But what if you invest emotionally in this child, and he in you, and somehow you don't work out with the mother? You're not his father: you have no social or legal rights. No power. But you will have put your heart and the child's completely at the mercy of others.

    A child needs a father figure, but a father figure is a figure of stability. You'd be inserting yourself into an inherently unstable situation.


    Exactly.


    lol Imma say the exact opposite.. if my best friend were pregnant, id e happy to help raise the kids... in fact, Id e excited to.... she already agreed that when i adopt kids she will be the mother figure, so its kismet
  • robear20

    Posts: 6

    Oct 23, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    Some advice from a gay dad....

    Being a dad is a huge responsibility and a decision you shouldn't take lightly. I have four wonderful children..all very much my own... I think I must agree with the "gay uncle" comments. If this gal is really a close friend she should understand that and will probably appreciate your involvement.

    Please consider this VERY seriously. I know many gay married men and gay dads, but VERY few who would say that they are happy with the married life....I love my children and they love me, but I was never happy being a married man and now, in my later years I often wonder "what if".

    Hope this may help you some.
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    Oct 23, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    Larkin raises a good point. You would have no legal rights to the child. And should you bond with the child, you would be at the mercy of your friend and who she may ultimately marry. On the flip side, are you really ready to commit to this kid for the next 18 years. Forgoing a relationship with a guy that might take you away? Willing to move should the mother want to move? Remember to a 3 year, should the mother need to move and you not come along, the experience would be one of abandonment.

    So unless you and the mom want to make a commitment akin to marrage, save yourself and the child some inevitable heartache. On the flip side, nothing prevents you from being involved in the childs life. You can always be an uncle.

    Good luck with what you do. And you obviously have a loving heart.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Oct 23, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    In Calif., the courts will go so far as to force child support on you; 18 years worth !