hard times...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    so i have been 'out' for just over a year. Told the wife... shes not taking it well, but did i really think she would???
    so im having the hardest time figuring out my roll! i do have a sorta BF... he's awesome, but he wants me to move fast to be with him all the time. because im now out, it doesnt mean that i love my wife or family less.... yet he wants me to spend any free time with him, at his convenience. Take him and his son on outings...to the movies, etc.... ( BTW i hate going to the movies...not comfortable, too loud, blahblah.) but i would think if i did want to go to the movies, wouldn't i do it with my own kid? The BF and i get limited time together at best.... his living arrangements are not condusive to a relationship, and mine arent much better... ( i couldnt' and wouldnt ask the wife if bringing a man over was ok..) but she does know about him..(refused to meet him, though, but that is a whole nother topic.
    Am i wrong to want to keep things 'just warm' between he and I? we have the MOST amazing sex when we are together....
    he tells me, that im afraid to 'move on' incase he ends up dumping me... Im not really concerned with being a gay man, who is alone, as much as im concerned with what is the right thing to do with everyone in my life. ( I m a good Libra, always wanting balance everything)
    the wife and i live on seperate floors of the house now...its wierd, but totally seperating, moving out, isnt a financial option right now. We are renovating the house in order to sell it in the spring. The BF says i need to get out now, in order to become friends with the ex again.... but we are friends now.... and they are all i have ever known. i have had them in my life longer than i even had my own mother....
    currently reading The Velvet Rage.... think its messing me up even more!!! yikes...
    any thoughts, advise, words of wisdom... thanks...
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:27 PM GMT
    I would be very wary of a BF making demands. He is controlling and is only looking out for himself. You are in a difficult period and don't need that. He is showing his true colors.
  • jmanorlando

    Posts: 205

    Oct 24, 2011 7:37 PM GMT
    First you have to live life at your speed and not his. Finding out how to balance your family, wife or soon to be ex-wife, bf, home and job is tough.

    The fact is you need to tell the boyfriend the honest truth, so he can take action on what he wants to do.

    A few facts that need to be addressed according to what you typed.
    1. Your in the house til spring 2012 (He must accept this)
    2. You still have important connections with wife, kids and family that are and will remain important to you.
    3. You need to be able to split 50/50 or 60/40 free time with your family and him. I believe the family has an edge in this one because your kids will be impacted by your actions and you have to be there for them.
    4. Remind him you care about him and hope that he understands where you are at and that you want to stay together. However you need to tell him, that he needs to not be pushing you (unless you consistently complain about it all the time) during this tough transition time.

    Hope this offers some help.
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:39 PM GMT
    socalfitness saidI would be very wary of a BF making demands. He is controlling and is only looking out for himself. You are in a difficult period and don't need that. He is showing his true colors.


    yikes... i was afraid of that...he's a Sagitarious...and can be VERY self centered at times... He went thru a painful breakup with his last man, ( still in the courts over money) and he says that he 'definately' knows what he wants out of our relationship, but i think he is still wounded from it, and can be bitter about everything.... He tells me that i will hate being gay out in the real world, and i will get used and abused ( i should be so lucky..LOL) sometimes i think my fucking head will implode.... or i will just end my life, which sometimes seems like a very easy way out...with the exception of all the ramifications that would entail.... YIKES..... icon_cry.gif
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:40 PM GMT
    I know more than one "separated" couple that are still sharing their house, and seem fairly relaxed about it. With the market conditions the way they are, selling now would be a disaster.

    It sounds like you have a fairly complex multi-valent relationship going on. Beyond what I've ever done, but I think you should define the angles, not let someone push them for you.
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:46 PM GMT
    jmanorlando saidFirst you have to live life at your speed and not his. Finding out how to balance your family, wife or soon to be ex-wife, bf, home and job is tough.

    The fact is you need to tell the boyfriend the honest truth, so he can take action on what he wants to do.

    A few facts that need to be addressed according to what you typed.
    1. Your in the house til spring 2012 (He must accept this)
    2. You still have important connections with wife, kids and family that are and will remain important to you.
    3. You need to be able to split 50/50 or 60/40 free time with your family and him. I believe the family has an edge in this one because your kids will be impacted by your actions and you have to be there for them.
    4. Remind him you care about him and hope that he understands where you are at and that you want to stay together. However you need to tell him, that he needs to not be pushing you (unless you consistently complain about it all the time) during this tough transition time.

    Hope this offers some help.


    he talks everyday about what a fuck his ex is... how he used to do this, do this, or not do...and then picks traits that are similiar in both me and the ex, then tells me he wont stand for 'crap' like that.... i have told him, iam not the same as his ex, and its not my fault he is attracted to men of a 'particular' type. i tell him i love him all the time, and i do, he is an amazing man...when the house sells im not even sure i would be with him full time... i may just need some head space, to figure me out!! does that make me less gay....LOLOL... kidding...

    and yeah, its awesome to hear from guys who do have there shit together...LOL....and even those that dont....
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:50 PM GMT
    First of all, your wife is taking it really good. You're still living in the same house? In case she wouldn't accept it she had already kicked you out or be hating on you permanently. She just lost the man she loved for years that ain't easy and therefore shes probably taking it pretty well. And I think it's very respectful of you that you are not bringin your boyfriend in YOUR home.

    Now to your bf: He should respect the situtaion you're in right now. He should try to support you as best as he can. He should accept that you don't want to do all the things he wants to do.
    All in all he doesn't seem to be the right guy for you...sorry

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    Oct 24, 2011 7:51 PM GMT
    not that its any of my business, but you still live with the wife/exwife??? YIKES!!! awkward!!! If I was your boyfriend I would need to come to terms that you are in a difficult transistion at the moment and if he really cared about you then he needs to be patient and let you get your life sorted out a little.
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    It seems you should be asking the constellations, right? icon_rolleyes.gif


    Definitely just have a conversation, lay down the rules...

    "Family > You. ALWAYS. "

    If he is worth keeping around, he knows this already.
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    if i was dating someone who kept comparing me to his ex i'd probably get tired of it. Come to think of it, he doesn't live in texas does he?
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    Oct 24, 2011 7:59 PM GMT
    Trail_Runner saidnot that its any of my business, but you still live with the wife/exwife??? YIKES!!! awkward!!! If I was your boyfriend I would need to come to terms that you are in a difficult transistion at the moment and if he really cared about you then he needs to be patient and let you get your life sorted out a little.


    oh, it has its awkward moments.... like when she attempted sucide, and i found her....
    i thought coming to terms with being gay would 'free' my internal termoil... it seems to almost have made it worse....
    here's the kicker... due to his financial situation with his ex BF, he lives with his mom and his son... It doesnt bother me...shes old and needs him. hows that for yikes...i just hate it when she watches us fuck.....LOLOLOLOLOLOL...
    humor is the only thing that keeps me going at times... what a fuckin mess eh???
    i should get my head...re-examined...
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    Oct 24, 2011 8:02 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]i just hate it when she watches us fuck.....LOLOLOLOLOLOL...[/quote]

    I just threw up a little...
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    Oct 24, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    OP: Are you Irish? I need to get this question out of the way because I imagine every thing you say with an ADORABLE Irish accent.
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    Oct 24, 2011 8:06 PM GMT
    Trail_Runner said[quote][cite]i just hate it when she watches us fuck.....LOLOLOLOLOLOL...


    I just threw up a little...[/quote]

    oh, i was kidding... we cover her up.... lolol
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    Oct 24, 2011 8:08 PM GMT
    ThePenIsMyTier saidOP: Are you Irish? I need to get this question out of the way because I imagine every thing you say with an ADORABLE Irish accent.


    manly yes...but i like it too.... lol
    oh, i can mimic the best irish accent.... My adoptive father and his family were from Ireland...
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    Oct 24, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    herdthosecats.png
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    Oct 24, 2011 9:38 PM GMT
    What is your sign?
  • Rami918

    Posts: 53

    Oct 24, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    first of all
    put ur kids FIRST :
    i had a cheating dad he always preferred his girl friend over me and he wld take her lttle bro out and i'd beg him to take me and he'd say no im going out with them
    to this day i haven't forgiven him
    so put the kids first
    and try to salvage the relationship with the wife it's not her fault she's not to blame her be as gd as u can with her
    and Good Luck
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    Oct 25, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    Your boyfriend is selfish and not respecting you, your family, or your wishes. Kick him to the curb.
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    Oct 25, 2011 12:56 AM GMT
    You need to be with someone who fully understands your situation and who will not impose additonal demands on you unnecessarily. Your life is very complicated right now, and you don't need to complicate it even further. There has got to be a middle ground where all the parties involved get something out of this complicated situation. You just need to find that middle ground. Just my 2 cents.
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    Oct 25, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    Xelorate saidYour boyfriend is selfish and not respecting you, your family, or your wishes. Kick him to the curb.


    1- Yes he is.

    2- No. Keep him only as a FB.
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    Oct 25, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    hairyandym said...

    oh, it has its awkward moments.... like when she attempted sucide, and i found her....
    i thought coming to terms with being gay would 'free' my internal termoil... it seems to almost have made it worse....
    here's the kicker... due to his financial situation with his ex BF, he lives with his mom and his son... It doesnt bother me...shes old and needs him. hows that for yikes...i just hate it when she watches us fuck.....LOLOLOLOLOLOL...
    humor is the only thing that keeps me going at times... what a fuckin mess eh???
    i should get my head...re-examined...


    Consider going to a counselor/therapist to help you work through your own issues.

    Consider engaging a family counselor in order to help keep your kid's childhood from being ruined by rash or poor judgement.

    You're in a tough situation. Get professional help for you, your son, and for the mother of your child.

    Also, seek out (if there is one) a support group of other men who have had a family and then come out. The sharing of experiences may give you strength and hope.
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    Oct 25, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    Budd,

    I'm in the same living arrangement as you, however, a bit more civil, I think. That said, in my situation, I have no desire to pursue another partner at this time and won't until our living arrangement has been solved.

    I am not pursuing another partner because I choose to live by myself as long as possible. It's a different path than yours, but wish you well.
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    Oct 25, 2011 4:12 AM GMT
    thanks men.... great advise....
    we all are in therapy, and have been for 8months... sometimes it helps, and sometimes it didnt. (the sucide attempt was about 3 months into therapy)
    As our son is 16, we speak openly with him about ALL of our feelings. he's an amazing son.. and she is an amazing mother, and friend....
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    Oct 25, 2011 4:13 AM GMT
    toohottohandle7 saidWhat is your sign?


    Libra = the scales of balance....