What do you do about that angry man inside wanting to break out? WARNING: LONG POST

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    Oct 26, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    Right..... here goes. I'm not normally one to do this, but I really can't bring myself to talk about it to my friends because they all feel sorry for me and that's not what I want.

    Sorry about the lengthy lengthy backstory, I don't know if any of it might be relevant to what's going on, this is the first time I've really put it all together (I haven't talked to anyone about this)

    I recently came out of a short but 'at-the-time-very-lovely' relationship of about 9 months with a guy ten years younger than me. I had big reservations about getting into it in the first place, but he was flatteringly into me, came across really nice, was physically bang on my type (more built and developed for his age) and was great in the sack.

    He seemed to have several principles that reassured me; was against casual sex (we dated before that was allowed, as per his rules); seemed to be quite real and honest, and was very masculine and didn't come with any visible baggage. Only thing is he didn't really want to talk about his past relationship.

    Me, I have had great relationships, a 2.5 year, 7 year, and an amazing 3 month one - all of whom are still among my closest friends. This guy would prove to be the exception.

    I worked overseas a few months every year. This year, I cut my trip in half to get back here to be with him in time for my b'day. He seemed happy about that. Then two weeks into it, he freaked out about his finals and his grades, said he was spending too much time with me and disappeared. I gave him his space for a couple of weeks as he said he really didn't want to be distracted by me and had to focus on studying for his finals. During that time, he didn't contact me at all apart from talking at the gym. I didn't really know what to make of it. Up until then, we were going swimmingly, he wanted to talk about kids, moving away together, asked if I'd move my company to different country, etc. while I was away, one of us would video call the other every second day. etc etc.

    Then after a weekend when we went to a mutual friend's farewell, and I learned that he was out both weekends that I was giving him space, which is unusual as he really didn't like going out to clubs when we were dating. Feeling frustrated and confused, I hit him up about, when he was going to explain to me what was going on. He said he would the following week. He didn't and then declared that since I wasn't going to move with him to the middle-east where he wanted to go for work, and that he would be so busy with exams until he left, there was no future for us to stay together. This was through text message. I was floored.

    So I put it to him that he had to tell me face to face and talk me through what was going on during that time we were apart. He seemed like a completely different person altogether and my suspicions were raised.

    The week after, we met and he officially broke up with me. We talked reasonably and figured out the landscape to move onto being friends, as long as communication was left open and clear. We were friendly again, although he would keep teasing me about who I had slept with or started seeing after him (no-one). Two weeks after we broke up, he came over to my place and stayed the night, Of course, we had sex - which he instigated. I made sure that it was what he wanted before going ahead. It was.

    We continued to be friendly, he continued to poke around and ask if I was seeing anyone. I thought it was just friendly poking. Finally, I felt good enough to go back out into the clubs with friends again who had been hounding me to get back out there. First night out, I eye up someone cute, a friend of ours tries to introduce us, and in the course of conversation with another friend, I find out that he had been dating my ex briefly a few weeks ago. This overlaps with us breaking up. But gossip is gossip and they might have the dates wrong. I didn't want to go snooping around, so I left it.

    The next day my ex texts me asking if I had a good night out saying he was surprised I went out. I asked him when he was going to tell me about him and this new guy. He apologises and says it was a mistake and he didn't want to talk about it. I tell him he is hurtful and a bad person (yes, I'm really lousy at insulting people). He says he is not, just that he makes bad decisions sometimes. I text him back saying I disagree and if he believed that, he should reexamine his belief based on his behaviour over the past six weeks. I then tell him he doesn't deserve to be my friend.

    I saw him at the gym twice shortly after that and ignored him. I haven't seen him at the gym since - which is unusual as we normally bump into each other 3-4 times a week there.

    I'm at a loss for how to react. I haven't felt this way before, I'm angry, I feel like I really want him to explain himself to me, yet at the same time, part of me just wants to move on and forget it entirely but I can't seem to. Some of my good mates who knew I was hurting but I hadn't told the full story to, decided to take me out into town again after the RWC finals last weekend, and we had an amazing time out. That should have helped, but it didn't and I feel like a wet blanket and a lousy friend.

    There's a really angry person inside who wants justice, or at least to confront my ex about all this, But I know it probably isn't going to help. I've tried many things; long runs, re-establishing my routine, reconnecting with old friends, burying myself in work, two hour boxing sessions that leave me cramped. nothing is working.

    Have any of you been in this situation before and how do you process it? I've only ever had easy mutual breakups that turn into lifelong friendships. ARGH!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    You can be grateful for the friends and past "easy break-ups" you have.

    We don't always get what we want... no matter how hard one tries or deserves better. Remember life is beautiful because it is not linear.

    Harness your anger in useful endeavors. Acceptance is the key.

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    Oct 26, 2011 4:41 PM GMT
  • patmos9990

    Posts: 146

    Oct 26, 2011 4:47 PM GMT
    He's hurt you, you want answers, but unfortunately you'll probably never get them from him.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Oct 26, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    You have to find a reason to put him behind you. It's hard at first, but continue to tell yourself that you are someone who deserves better and you are going to put him behind you and then go out and find that better person for your life.
    Speaking from my own experience, it may take some time, but it works. icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 26, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    JakeGHK saidHow did you still see him in the gym if he was moving?
    You need to seriously get over him, probably cutting off contact.
    You just might get more enraged.

    He was going to be moving shortly after varsity year ended, which I think is this month so he's probably moving next month. I haven't bumped into his at the gym for over a week, which is good. Cutting off contact was what I did after I found out (thus the "first ex to not be a friend afterwards" bit) but we share a lot of friends and routine, so I think it might be the fear of running into him that keeps him hanging around my head? I'm definitely not in any way still 'into him' if that's what you think, so I don't really know what you mean by get over him? I'm just angry now but unable to do anything about it without getting in contact with him (which I don't really want to do)
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    Oct 26, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    patmos9990 saidHe's hurt you, you want answers, but unfortunately you'll probably never get them from him.

    I was afraid that might be the answer........
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2011 12:37 AM GMT
    Are you a libra or a scorpio? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    I'd bottle it up and forget about it until it explodes into an act of violence against someone else or against yourself.

    But, really, you already know the answer to your problem, right? If you want answers to be satisfied, then you have to go get them before it's too late. Once he moves away, you'll lose the chance you had to wring the truth out face to face forever, probably.

    If you could do that though, you'd be braver than I am. I'm stuck on option one waiting for the day I explode.
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    Oct 28, 2011 12:50 AM GMT
    Sounds crappy bro. Don't worry- he doesn't sound like someone who has it together. He'll one day come to the conclusion that he let someone great leave.

    I had an angry man inside me. I supressed him until I finally broke up with my ex. I tried to hide him, but friends and family saw through me. I never got my answers I wanted from my ex, but I met a great guy who made me realize I didn't care to know anymore.

    He's not your future. He's your past.
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    Oct 28, 2011 1:07 AM GMT
    There is no justice and nothing he says will make u feel any better. Make a clean break from him and move on.
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Oct 28, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    Sorry mate, its unjust how these things don't work out. Better off without him. You deserve someone that will commit to you. Go work out - the angry man in me leaves me once I start doing the weights. Might do the same for you.
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    Oct 28, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for the consolidated responses. It's good to hear the same thing (or sort of the same things) from more than one person.

    Animus, suedeheadscot, catfish5, simple collision and patmos9990 and phlmuscle8 - it's all pointing in one direction. I have to learn to accept that I won't get those answers and even if I do, it's not going to really explain anything. I'm hoping the anger will eventually subside rather than build up further, and the suggestion of letting good things happen in the future to help me forget the unresolved things in the past are a good idea. It's a new skillset for me to learn; leaving things unresolved and moving on - but hey, it might make me a better person!

    As for the question of star sign? I'm a Leo/Virgo, whatever that means.

    Thanks guys,