Letting guys down gently

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2007 2:21 AM GMT
    I had a date scheduled for Thursday, but the guy and I chatted on the phone tonight, and now I don’t think we’re a match at all. He took the call X-rated too fast for a courtship :( Unfortunately I went along with it because I never know what to do in those situations, whereas it probably would have been best to let him know immediately I wasn't interested.

    My immediate question is how I should let this particular guy know I’m no longer interested in meeting him on Thursday. My more general question is, what are good ways to let guys know you’re not interested, regardless of what stage you’re at in the dating, while minimizing any hurt feelings? I'm always really bad at that :(
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    Jul 17, 2007 11:38 AM GMT
    Just be honest, but not harsh. Tell the guy "Hey, I sure you are a sweet guy, but I am not interested. Sorry"

    Being honest is the best way to do it. As Mr. Thursday tell him you are not interested in just hooking up.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 17, 2007 1:35 PM GMT
    It better to let him know the truth now then latter. This way you dont waste his time and yours. Anyway I am really touch by your sensitivity and reluctant to hurt other people feeling. Such quality are really rare nowaday, especially among gays . I have experience some guy pursuing me / persuading with sweet word and then after it all over ask me to leave immediately. Another good looking guy I been with, make out and necking with me inside my car the entire night but the next days behaving like he dont even know me.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2613

    Jul 17, 2007 4:53 PM GMT
    I agree with the guys above.Just tell him you`re not interested in him any more.Say something like..."hey,you`re a really nice guy,but I don`t think you`re my type.I don`t see us having a relationship" and so on.
    Your concern for his feelings is admirable,but it`s best if you end it simply and honestly.Would you want to be strung along by a guy who couldn`t tell you he didn`t fancy you but didn`t say anything?I`m like you,Satyricon331,I tend to think of the other guy`s feelings a bit too much,and it has ended up worse than if I`d simply told him straight off...There`s no easy options at this stage.I`d advise you to tell before Thursday.Best wishes for how it goes,John.
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    Jul 17, 2007 5:06 PM GMT
    Of course, I don't know how the conversation went, but I've been in similar situations before myself and I just thought - and, only you would be able to answer the ? - but I wonder, if in person, in public you could steer the conversation toward the things you'd like to discuss. Just thought I'd put that out there.
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    Jul 17, 2007 5:35 PM GMT
    I would just say to the original poster a few things...

    You lament this man taking the conversation to "X" too quickly, yet you yourself went along with it which points to (no offense) a degree of hypocrisy. Also, if you judged your chemistry with all the people you know based on how well you clicked on the phone, would you still be friends with them? Not everyone is good on the phone and you shouldn't let that stop you from meeting someone who may be good for you. BUT, if you're not interested then you should just say that but also, thank him for the "chat" the other day.:)
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    Jul 17, 2007 8:25 PM GMT
    Your comments are fair, Jackal. I knew at the time I was creating the impression that I was enjoying things. I’m always very awkward at these things though (nobody knows better than I do that phone awkwardness doesn’t convey much useful information about someone’s personality), and I can never really direct a conversation to or away from a topic. For what it’s worth, I was trying to think of a way of doing so, until I abruptly said, “Sorry, I’ve gotta go, talk to you later.” He was probably like, what the fuck?

    Thanks for the advice guys. I figured I needed to let him know before Thursday! I’ll let you know how it goes...
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    Jul 17, 2007 10:53 PM GMT
    I advise, keep the date Thursday if it is your first time seeing him. But you might want to call and establish with him that you thought the conversation moved too quickly to X, and that you really didn't want to give him the impression that first meeting was going to result in sure hook-up. If he wonders why you played along, say you liked him and was nervous about rejecting him over the phone.

    Calling him to say its on, but... gives him the chance to say he doesn't have in mind playing your way - so no date, but it also gives him a chance to back up and start from a position you're more comfortable with. Put the ball in his court as to whether you still meet on Thursday, but if it does go down, he agrees to your comfort level for the encounter.

    Of course, by now you may have already told him to get lost. Good luck.

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    Jul 17, 2007 11:02 PM GMT
    I think OHhiker is giving the advice that I would most like to have used on me in that situation.

    I have the utmost respect for people that let their boundaries be known, even if it is obviously not what I want. People that can tell me exactly what they want without leading me on are the type of people I like to keep around.

    If your only real problem is that he went to sex too fast, then it doesn't mean he is a bad guy per se, maybe not something I would date, but I would still meet up with him. In person is so much different than over the phone or email, so you guys might really get along, and not necessarily date, but at least you would have made a friend. Just set your boundaries!
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    Jul 17, 2007 11:05 PM GMT
    was just thinking the same - OHhiker - you're my new Dear Abby :)
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    Jul 18, 2007 9:57 PM GMT
    It's simple, just say, "sorry, I'm not attracted to you."

    There can be no come back from that and also you are not attaching any blame to him and his desire for you.

    Don't say, "sorry, you're not my type." This opens the door to all sorts of questions, like why? who is your type? etc.
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    Jul 28, 2007 5:05 PM GMT
    I have to agree with the guys that say "be honest, but not harsh".

    Personally, I think it is a BIG mistake to go on the date - especially when you have already put it in your head several days in advance that this guy did something you dont like...before you have even met him in person. I mean lets be real, if he's going to 'x' on the phone, what do you think the expectation is going to be when you two are face to face.

    Good luck with whatever you decided, but my two cents: be honest but not harsh.

    Something I have said before that has worked well: "It seems that we are both looking for different things at this point and since I dont want to waste your or my time let's start as friends and take it from there...cool?"

    If he says no, don't worry about it...I am sure that there are 3 others that will say yes.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 28, 2007 8:40 PM GMT
    That's a major fault of mine...
    I hate having to tell that to guys
    in the past I kinda disappeared
    I know thats wrong....