How do I accept being gay??

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2011 6:33 PM GMT
    Hi Guys.

    Okay, so Im strugling a lot with this.
    I've been trying to accept the fact that I'm gay, but I just cant seem to do it. I've dissapointed my parents, family etc, even my phyciatrist told me to go sleep with a girl. Not helping, while the phsycologist told me it's okay to be gay though..

    Even after JO or random play, I feel fcking guilty,,

    So any advice on how to make life easier?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    The same way you accept being white or Canadian or whatever.

    You just do.

    FYI: Life doesn't get ANY easier.
  • fitginger

    Posts: 64

    Oct 27, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    It doesn't matter who you are. You can be Gay, Bi, Straight..... hell have a sex change and be a Lesbian if you want to....

    You will only disappoint yourself if you can't be who you are. You can be whoever you want to be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:08 PM GMT
    Stop giving a shit what other people think ( and that includes your family ) and start living your life doing what you want to do.

    Being attracted to men isn't something you can just switch off and if you spend your life pretending to be something your not your gonna be a really unhappy man.

    Your psychologist is completely right, it's fine to be gay, it's not a choice you can make.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:15 PM GMT
    OK, in brief (if you want more email or IM me)

    The world view that says being gay is wrong has no rational basis. it comes out of tradition, or religion or culture. it is not a rational view.

    You are born gay. you can chose to repress it or to accept it. You can´t change it.

    If you come from a religiously conservative background it´s tougher... we can chat
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Oct 27, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    Your psychiatrist sounds like his/her licence to practice should be revoked!
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:19 PM GMT
    I think the bigger question that we all deal with is 'how do accept all aspects of who I am?' Being in gay or bi can be a longer path to self-acceptance, true. But you need to realize that there are lots of things that make you unique. Your age, ethnicity, background, height, age, etc. You need to love yourself first (no J/O pun intended). There will be plenty of people who will love and support you for who you are, once you arrive at that place. And you will get there. You have made the first step by starting a converstion. Keep talking man.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:19 PM GMT
    You don't need to accept being gay. You need to accept yourself.

    Feeling guilty after JO or random play might mean that you aren't treating yourself and your partners with respect. If you're just doing it to get off and using other people without relating to them, then I can understand why you might not feel right afterward.

    It could be cultural, but are you sure that everyone is really disappointed with you? Or do you think it's internalized emotion that you are projecting onto other people?

    Think about this -- you are on this website for a reason. Do you "accept" the rest of us for being our gay selves? We're pretty much like you.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    CuriouslyBi saidHi Guys.

    Okay, so Im strugling a lot with this.
    I've been trying to accept the fact that I'm gay, but I just cant seem to do it. I've dissapointed my parents, family etc, even my phyciatrist told me to go sleep with a girl. Not helping, while the phsycologist told me it's okay to be gay though..

    Even after JO or random play, I feel fcking guilty,,

    So any advice on how to make life easier?


    C'mon people - be gentle with him. icon_smile.gif

    What might help is to separate your acceptance of the fact that you're gay from your parents accepting it, your other family accepting it, etc. What matters first and foremost is that you realize and own it your own self. If you can't face it, if you can't own it and deal with it and be ok with it, then you'll constantly be craving other people's acceptance, as if it matters. As BAMF said, it's like accepting your race or gender - it's a fact. It wasn't a choice or the result of something you did or didn't do: it just is.

    Worry about your parents later. Get to the point where you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm gay," and not flinch or be ashamed or feel guilty. The rest of the world comes later.

    Dude, reach out. Talk to people here, find a GLBT center in your area. Support of the community can be a great help. There was someone there for me when I went through this, and I'll be forever grateful. You can email me privately if you want. It'll be ok.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    CuriouslyBi saidHi Guys.

    Okay, so Im strugling a lot with this.
    I've been trying to accept the fact that I'm gay, but I just cant seem to do it. I've dissapointed my parents, family etc, even my phyciatrist told me to go sleep with a girl. Not helping, while the phsycologist told me it's okay to be gay though..

    Even after JO or random play, I feel fcking guilty,,

    So any advice on how to make life easier?


    Exactly why do you feel guilty? Religious background? Conservative family upbringing in general? BTW, ditch the shrink you have now and find another that doesn't think heterosexuality is normative (i.e., what you "should be.")

    Family expectations, even if they're not fundamentalist nutcases, can be a difficult burden to bear. If your parents are worried about you being gay for non-religious reasons, their anxieties usually center on the following:

    Fear that you will not be happy due to social stigma or isolation
    Most parents want their kids to be happy and satisfied with their lives. They want them to marry, settle down, have families, live in peace. Explain to your parents that this is possible as a gay man, though it is admittedly harder. Explain that progress is being made toward acceptance, and that you will be happier if you feel that they are on your side in pursuing happiness with another man.

    Fear of AIDS
    The gay community does an OK job of educating itself on HIV, but straight people a generation or older, and even some younger, know almost nothing more about it than "gays get it." They think you can get it from kissing, they think you can get it from a sneeze, and they think YOU are going to get it. Explain to them how it is transmitted, and how you do not engage in any behaviors that will put yourself at risk.

    http://www.cdc.gov/condomeffectiveness/latex.htm


    I came from a very conservative religious background. I had to go through quite a bit of agonizing self-reflection to begin accepting my homosexuality. Even after I consciously chose to be with men, I still had twinges of guilt for years. Nightmares of being dragged to hell, even. Those only go away by steady exposure to gay relationships and self-critical reflection.

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    Oct 27, 2011 8:23 PM GMT
    It's easier said than done, but I agree with whateveryo.

    I'd be worried with your psychologist's recommendation because a bad experience with a girl could have had a bad effect on you, but its worth a shot.

    I can certainly understand how the lack of approval from your parents and family can weigh down on you, but hopefully they all come around at some point.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:26 PM GMT

    You need to accept yourself first, then you'll see you won't feel icky anymore icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:29 PM GMT
    You're associating being gay with the negative impact that this has had on people around you. The guilt that you're feeling is a result of others' thoughts about being gay. Until you can redefine being gay for yourself, you can't accept your own being gay. I am hopeful, since you decided to join this site - that action alone is an indication that you're seeking some new relationship with your sexual orientation.

    I'm troubled by your psychiatrist's approach to it. It makes sense in a way, since psychiatrists go to medical school and are not trained as psychotherapists.

    When I first came out to my parents, my dad took me to psychologist after psychologist, hoping to find someone who would agree with him and try conversion therapy. I was lucky and every single person he took me to turned out to be in favor of letting me be who I am.

    My advice? Stay engaged here and see the psychologist. S/he may be at least one person in your life who will accept you as you are.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:36 PM GMT
    You accept it the same way you accept your eye color.

    I'm going to lay it on the line for you. Take my advice and you will learn to accept yourself very quickly. Refuse it, and it could take decades.

    #1 Report your psychiatrist as his advice was potentially damaging and unprofessional.

    #2 Accept that you're gay. Don't ask me how....just fucking do it. Don't complain about how hard it is, just do it. Admit your gay and start living a life that's true to who you are.

    #3 Man up and tell anyone and everyone who doesn't accept who you are to "FUCK OFF." Seriously. No one is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself, and allowing yourself to be pushed around reeks of weakness.

    Do these things and I promise your life will get better. You will repel the ignorant and attract better quality people.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:44 PM GMT
    You might want to get another therapist.

    I got me a therapist and came out to her, in a small town, and we talked about alot of things, One being how I would meet people and one day she handed me a card for a gay mixer at our local college. How cool was that.

    I think talking to people both gay and a few select straight friends really helped me.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:45 PM GMT
    Thanks to all you guys, really appreciate it.
    The question I keep asking myself though, is it right? is it a lifestyle that can be maintained over a long period?
    How do I respond to public opinion, as Im one who loves to show affection?

    Kinda hearing that it doesnt get better, yeah, not helping a lot...
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:48 PM GMT
    CuriouslyBi saidThanks to all you guys, really appreciate it.
    The question I keep asking myself though, is it right? is it a lifestyle that can be maintained over a long period?
    How do I respond to public opinion, as Im one who loves to show affection?

    Kinda hearing that it doesnt get better, yeah, not helping a lot...




    Of course it gets better. I have no idea why he said such a thing. But it doesn't get better until you accept who you are.

    As far as "is it right?" Where does this question come from? It certainly doesn't come from you. It's coming from a judgement you've heard other people say. Is it from religion or what?
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    Like, sexually im attracted to guys, but my head tells me something totally different.. It's like the two is at war with eachother.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:53 PM GMT
    CuriouslyBi saidLike, sexually im attracted to guys, but my head tells me something totally different.. It's like the two is at war with eachother.


    Know that feeling! icon_confused.gif
  • neon_tiger

    Posts: 145

    Oct 27, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    I cant tell you what to do exactly, but i do know that acceptance of yourself will happen when the pain of living a lie becomes greater than the fear of dissapointing all that people that think they know what is best for you.

    Now I can guarantee you this: when that DOES happen, you will experience a sense of relief that you probably have never felt before. Your words and your thoughts will align with your actions. You'll feel a sense of intergrity you have never sensed before. You'll will still be sad about the fact that your parent cannot accept you for who you are, but you'll understand that they want the best for you, even from their narrow point of you, so will be able to feel compassion towards them. And that feeling of guilt about your sexual thoughts and actions will slip away (slowly, but steadily- fear seems to cling on like super glue at times).

    In the meantime, surround yourserlf with people that are genuine, that are gutsy, that are fearless. some of it will rub on you.

    And even though they are intended for youth, watching the "It gets better" clips on you tube has helped me greatly in times when ive fallen in one of these "being gay sucks" funk.

    And if it so happens that you are attracted to older men of latin ethnicity (hehe), id be happy to get to know such a sexy man as you better!
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    sbwlguy saidYour psychiatrist sounds like his/her licence to practice should be revoked!

    The sentiment is completely understandable but, while I don't know, it could be that the shrink wanted the OP to learn for certain if he was gay, or at least to remove doubt, as a part of learning how to accept who he is.

    CuriouslyBi said... is it a lifestyle that can be maintained over a long period?
    How do I respond to public opinion, as Im one who loves to show affection?
    ...


    Yachting is a lifestyle. Being gay is a life.
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    Oct 27, 2011 8:58 PM GMT
    yeahim40 saidYou don't need to accept being gay. You need to accept yourself.

    Feeling guilty after JO or random play might mean that you aren't treating yourself and your partners with respect. If you're just doing it to get off and using other people without relating to them, then I can understand why you might not feel right afterward.

    It could be cultural, but are you sure that everyone is really disappointed with you? Or do you think it's internalized emotion that you are projecting onto other people?

    Think about this -- you are on this website for a reason. Do you "accept" the rest of us for being our gay selves? We're pretty much like you.


    I just feel like I sinned and did wrong. you know the boring old stories...
    and immediatly after the sexual tension has gone away, then thats when my head kicks in and questions whether im gay or not
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    Oct 27, 2011 9:02 PM GMT
    CuriouslyBi saidI just feel like I sinned and did wrong. you know the boring old stories...
    and immediatly after the sexual tension has gone away, then thats when my head kicks in and questions whether im gay or not


    No baby, it is the world which has sinned against us. We are the angels.
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    Oct 27, 2011 9:07 PM GMT
    CuriouslyBi saidHi Guys.

    Okay, so Im strugling a lot with this.
    I've been trying to accept the fact that I'm gay, but I just cant seem to do it. I've dissapointed my parents, family etc, even my phyciatrist told me to go sleep with a girl. Not helping, while the phsycologist told me it's okay to be gay though..

    Even after JO or random play, I feel fcking guilty,,

    So any advice on how to make life easier?


    1- If you feel you're really gay, remove the "Bi" from your name here.
    2- Living ones' own life is always best. If your family is disappointed that you are gay that's their problem. Don't make it yours. Accept them as they are, hopefully they'll live to see that you're very comfortable with your gay self.
    3- Feeling guilty? Explore/Google what guilt is, learn what it's about. Liberate yourself from it. Become the person you want to be.
    4- Good luck!
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    Oct 27, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    I knew it was religion but wanted to hear you say it yourself. Religion is a POISON. Decide your own beliefs using your own brain and stop listening to what other's tell you to believe.

    Unless you are truly attracted to women, remove the "bi" and the "curious" from your screen name, as that's a good place to start with being honest to yourself.