I have to break up with my boyfriend.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2011 3:36 AM GMT
    I've just had it. He doesn't love me enough, care about me enough, show enough interest in me like I want him to. I can't communicate with him on an emotional level. He says he loves me when we're in bed, but when we talk on the phone his tone says that he really doesn't care. He talks about himself a lot, and never really inquires about what's going on in my life. I bend over backwards for him and he doesn't notice or appreciate it. He complains about his job, the stresses in his life, and doesn't leave any room for my own struggles to be voiced.

    I sit back complacent, always thinking that he's going to realize what a wonderful boyfriend I am and have been to him. I keep waiting for him to realize that I truly do love him and had high hopes that we'd be together for a long time. I keep waiting for him to say "I miss you" or "I can't wait to see you" but he never says them. I keep waiting for him to change, for his frozen demeanor to thaw, but it hasn't happened.

    And yet I remain stuck, tongue-tied to say what I'm really thinking. I am guarded, walking on eggshells, always coming across as cool with things because that's how he always seems to be. Nothing phases him. Nothing seems important to him. For some reason I am unable to tell him what I feel. It's as is he's subliminally preventing me from doing this.

    If he treats me this way, why does he stay with me and what does he ultimately want with me? Does he know that he's doing this? I feel like a coward because I can't stand up to him and tell him what I'm feeling. The anger and hurt only stay locked inside me. icon_sad.gif
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    Oct 30, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    Your costs are much more than your rewards. Leave him. He's probably just waiting until someone better comes along.
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    Oct 30, 2011 10:21 AM GMT
    Hmm he doesn't seem to deserve you. He deosn't seem to make you happy even though you try your darndest to make him happy.
    Why would you want to stay with someone who makes you unhappy, while your mr. right may still be out there?
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    Oct 30, 2011 10:28 AM GMT
    I think your friend might want to be appreciative of someone who loves him. Love doesn't come along all that often. People are not disposable.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Oct 30, 2011 12:18 PM GMT
    tru_guy saidYour costs are much more than your rewards. Leave him. He's probably just waiting until someone better comes along.


    Ouch.
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    Oct 30, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    You did say, "And yet I remain stuck, tongue-tied to say what I'm really thinking. I am guarded, walking on eggshells, always coming across as cool with things because that's how he always seems to be. Nothing phases him. Nothing seems important to him. For some reason I am unable to tell him what I feel. It's as is he's subliminally preventing me from doing this."

    Really, he can't prevent you, and always coming across as cool won't educate him to your needs. There's nothing wrong with having needs; everyone has them. I think, before abandoning the relationship, print out your original post and give it to him in the form of a letter.

    -Doug
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    Oct 30, 2011 2:37 PM GMT
    Perhaps as Doug said you might want to give it a shot in terms of telling him UPFRONT how you feel about his cold demeanour. Sounds like this may not have been communicated enough. And though he may be insensitive because of this, he might not realise that his actions are hurting you.

    After giving that a try, see how things work out and reconsider your actions from that point? Don't hesitate to walk away, but I think it might be a waste not to prove to yourself that the situation can't be salvaged first. icon_smile.gif All the best either way.
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    Oct 30, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    Have some pride in yourself...be self confident...and leave him. Would you allow a friend to treat you that way? Then why would you allow a man that "loves" you get away with that kind of behavior. The longer you wait, the longer he will think its an acceptable way of behaving.
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    Oct 30, 2011 2:43 PM GMT
    You answered ur own question here... you weighed the positives and the negatives.... aka almost no positives. Once your Marginal Cost outweighs your Marginal Benefit, stop... its basic economics.
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Oct 30, 2011 3:05 PM GMT
    He is who he is, take it or leave it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 30, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    You need to learn to communicate with him in an open and heartfelt manner.. no agendas .. no defensive (or offensive) strategies.... you tell him how you feel and what you would like you both to do.. or work on, together.

    If he takes it seriously, work with him, if he blows you off, time to move on.
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    Oct 30, 2011 3:13 PM GMT
    Basket saidYou answered ur own question here... you weighed the positives and the negatives.... aka almost no positives. Once your Marginal Cost outweighs your Marginal Benefit, stop... its basic economics.


    Damn I was just studying that.
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    Oct 30, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    one word... codependant
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    Oct 30, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    Basket saidYou answered ur own question here... you weighed the positives and the negatives.... aka almost no positives. Once your Marginal Cost outweighs your Marginal Benefit, stop... its basic economics.


    What this handsome man said.
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    Oct 30, 2011 3:28 PM GMT
    [quote]
    Really, he can't prevent you, and always coming across as cool won't educate him to your needs. There's nothing wrong with having needs; everyone has them. I think, before abandoning the relationship, print out your original post and give it to him in the form of a letter.

    -Doug [/quote]

    This.

    Communication is absolutely critical in any relationship. If you can't talk with him about something like this, the relationship is likely to not be able to survive in the long-term, especially when the major, major challenges present themselves.

    Personally, I can unintentionally come across as closed, distant, unemotional, and a wee bit unaware of how it could make another person feel. I admit it freely. I'm just not very good at reading people, I guess. If you were my bf, I would want you to voice your concern. I might simply be unaware, and sometimes it takes a bit of courage/patience to help me see that.

    I've often heard it said, "we see the world not as it is, but as we are." I think the same concept can apply in a relationship. He may feel completely satisfied with the relationship, and if so, he may be inclined to think that everything is fine.

    Either way, I'm going to try to take your concern and try to use it to improve myself. After all, what relationship couldn't use a bit more love, affection, and appreciation?
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    Oct 30, 2011 3:56 PM GMT
    Honestly, though I don't think he is going to change even if you did tell him your feelings and concers. So, tell him how you are feeling and your concerns and dump him.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Oct 30, 2011 4:00 PM GMT
    do what u gotta do.

    If you're not happy in the relationship, break it off. l know it has to be painful, but u can't continue being unhappy.

    U sound miserable and it sounds like u are focusing on all the negatives. Thats not a good frame of mind to be in. Break it off, collect the pieces, and move on.

    Good luck to u.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2011 4:05 PM GMT
    Bowie saidone word... codependant


    Spelled "codependent," but yeah! You can only be used if you allow yourself to be. Move off of his porch and let him find another doormat.
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    Oct 30, 2011 4:10 PM GMT
  • GAYBIGMACHODU...

    Posts: 1359

    Oct 30, 2011 5:26 PM GMT
    I was in an one sided friendship with my ex bisexual best friend years ago.I
    dumped him as friend about 3 years ago.He is a heavy driver,bully,ego freak,
    unhealthy eater,alcoholic,spoiled brat,big slob,violent man,bad temptered.He
    physically abused me,mentally abused me,emotinoally abused me.He is a
    mentally unstabled bisexual man.He didn't care about any of my own emotinal
    health needs or any of my own friendship needs or any of my own personal
    needs at all.He was just using me.He wasn't a good to me at all.He has
    paranoid schizophrenia and other mental health problems.Plus he couldn't
    accept that I didn't find him attractive & I want to be lovers with him.He is
    into cross dressing and I'm not.He didn't take his own health serious at
    all.I'm a very health conscious man and he's not.I didn't have much in
    common with him at all.He was a very bad friend to me,So I dumped him
    as a friend 3 years ago.I gave him over 20 chances as my friend and to
    chance but he never did.I was in & out as a friend with him from 1995
    thru 2008.I gave him too many chances as my friend.I was in a unhealthy
    friendship with him.I had a very stressful friendship with him too.I met him
    in a local gay bar in 1995.I was abused by 2 alcolhlic men in the past.My
    alcoholic step father abused me in my early childhood.I'm a nondrinker
    these days,Thanks to those alcoholic men.My ex bibuddy isn't only man
    friendships,unhealthy friendships,stressful friendships with in the past at
    all.I'm very paranoid and picky in making new male friends and new
    male lovers these days,Thanks to them.I'm tired of being friends and
    lovers with bad boys.That's why I stop going to bars,night clubs years
    ago and I gave drinking alcohol 3 years ago.I don't miss drinking it at all.
    I drink only non alcoholic beers for beers these days.I won't change my
    lifestyle for nobody.I love living a very private lifestyle,smoke free lifestyle,
    alcohol free lifestyle,drugfree lifestyle,high tech lifestyle alot.I would rather
    stay home alone and play video games than go clubbing any day these days.
    I have got better things to do than get drunk or use drugs or drink alcohol.
    I won't be friends any single men who can't & won't accept me as I am and
    my lifestyle at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    Jerebear saidHe is who he is, take it or leave it.


    and why would ANYONE want someone as cold hearted as his bf seems to be?

    like the answer is obvious...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2011 3:17 AM GMT
    for the OP, definitely leave that son of a bitch.

    but I would plan revenge on him.

    But then again...I'm a scorpio.. .so that's naturally what I think of.
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Oct 31, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    TheChrisGuy saidPerhaps as Doug said you might want to give it a shot in terms of telling him UPFRONT how you feel about his cold demeanour. Sounds like this may not have been communicated enough. And though he may be insensitive because of this, he might not realise that his actions are hurting you.

    After giving that a try, see how things work out and reconsider your actions from that point? Don't hesitate to walk away, but I think it might be a waste not to prove to yourself that the situation can't be salvaged first. icon_smile.gif All the best either way.


    i agree with what this guy said
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2011 3:27 AM GMT
    yet another person who seems to think he needs someone to say something to complete his relationship. I swear, if people would just start a relationship after they are complete when being alone, they wouldn't need to take on a relationship to fill that void! geeeeezus man... get a grip!
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    Oct 31, 2011 3:37 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidYou need to learn to communicate with him in an open and heartfelt manner.. no agendas .. no defensive (or offensive) strategies.... you tell him how you feel and what you would like you both to do.. or work on, together.

    If he takes it seriously, work with him, if he blows you off, time to move on.


    Actually - this is what I would do as well. You guys need to talk. Maybe go to a park or for a long walk - somewhere peaceful where you can really relax and talk. Let him know how you feel. Ask him where he sees himself in a few years with you. I'm wondering if he is just one of those quiet, introverted types who isn't demonstrative? How many years have you guys been together? Another question - - was he ever different, or has he always been quiet and like he is? Could this possibly be a depressing time for him because he is unhappy at work? Could he truly love you (as he told you in bed) but isn't doing a decent job of showing it?

    I'm just saying I'd explore more angles before doing anything rash. Maybe once you've told him how you're feeling, he'll brighten up a bit. You can always leave later if you find out he's not that into you. But if you can fix things, you might be glad you put some work into the communication aspect of your relationship.

    I don't know............but I've been around for about a hundred years in the dating world! Maybe I've learned a few things in my travels.

    icon_cool.gif