How to go about the "are we in a relationship" convo?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 8:34 AM GMT
    Ok so I've been seeing this guy for a bit over a month now and I'm getting good and bad signals.
    Good: He links my arm or holds my hand randomly in the street for a bit. Texts me every day. Always has time whenever I wanna meet.
    Bad: He introduced me as his "good friend" the other day to one of his friends and yesterday text me "how's my gorgeous mate doing?"...

    Am I being a bit neurotic? I just really like this guy and want to be more than his friend :-/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 8:54 AM GMT
    I'm assuming you know for a fact this guy is gay. In that case, it sounds like you two are getting on quite well. He may just be calling you his "friend" for fear that you aren't ready to call it a relationship yet. He might just be using caution so as not to make a fool of himself. I suggest you just try bringing it up and seeing what he thinks about it. Best of luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:00 AM GMT
    When I wanted my last bf to be my bf, I just kind of herded the conversation one day (while we were messing around haha) toward that by mentioning 1) friends asking if he was my boyfriend, 2) me responding with "We haven't talked about that" and 3) telling the story of how I had a spontaneous boyfriend talk with my first bf.

    For both my boyfriends I basically just asked them what a boyfriend looked like in their opinion... and in both cases, it looked a lot like what we were doing, so I asked them, "Wanna be my boyfriend?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:35 AM GMT
    Would just introducing him as my bf to someone do it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:48 AM GMT
    weisumin saidWould just introducing him as my bf to someone do it?


    That's dangerous, I think. Even if he's on the same page, it can feel coercive (we haven't talked about that!) or like a trick/trap (he said it in front of people: I can't really say "no" can I!?).

    Just have a discussion about it. If you like this guy there's no reason to be tricky about taking it to the next level... Yourname is right: it should be a special, exciting moment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 12:23 PM GMT
    weisumin saidWould just introducing him as my bf to someone do it?


    No.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 12:25 PM GMT
    What are you scared of? Him saying no? Let me suggest that the very first and positive thing that will make a relationship last is to communicate with each other. A - It takes the guessing work out, B- assuming always make you look like an ass, C- wouldn't you rather know he is on the same page as you? The worst thing that will happen is that he isn't ready and I much rather be in a place where I'm not guessing driving my self nuts.

    Pour a nice glass of wine and have a chit chat. It isn't rocket science.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 31, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    He may just not be comfortable with all of it, depending on his experience.
    I do think you ought to ask him, "what you are"... a couple, just friends with benefits, whatever. After a month, you probably should start figuring out what the relationship really is......
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 12:38 PM GMT
    Just talk to him about it, why are you beating around the bush? If you're scared that he doesn't really want to and that's why you're trying to coerce him into being your boyfriend you'll just regret it later because he never really wanted it.

    Basically if he doesn't want to, it's not a situation that would get better if you were officially boyfriends. If he does, then a simple talk about the subject would be enough to make it so.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 1:00 PM GMT
    Maybe he's straight but just doesn't know it yet. Give him some time and he'll probably come out of the straight closet. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 1:04 PM GMT
    Have a good think about it. Is it time to ask? Do you need that validation yet? Or would it make it more interesting not knowing just yet?

    Only you can know the right time to seek the answer. Maybe you want to relax a bit and just go with the flow, let him make that move? Maybe not. What do you think?

    I guess what I'm saying is that if this is THE guy for you, then you have an eternity together from here... so what's the rush?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    Cheers for all the advice you guys. I think I may leave it another couple weeks. Then it will have been 2 months I guess and at that point it really wouldn't be presumptuous of me to enquire icon_smile.gif

    x
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    I wouldn't rush it. In my case, I usually just keep dating a few different guys until it becomes clear that I don't want to see anybody elses anymore. When that becomes clear to both of us - then we just one day casually talk about it. I wouldn't like being rushed into that phase. If it's going to happen for you, it'll happen naturally.

    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    OMG! Just ask him. Boy I'm glad I'm the kind person if I have a question I just ask it. No matter what if I don't like I can either chose to live with or move on. It's far better than walking around blind and scared.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 3:05 PM GMT
    Ducky47 saidOMG! Just ask him. Boy I'm glad I'm the kind person if I have a question I just ask it. No matter what if I don't like I can either chose to live with or move on. It's far better than walking around blind and scared.


    I did the same thing... Just asked him..
    He was having the same feelings, and In just a weeks time, it will have been 3 months since I met him.

    I'm leaving town for 10 days on business, and I have to hold back tears the moment the plane takes off..

    It shows that when you have concerns, or wants, you are open and comfortable in asking them of him.

    Follow up with, honesty. and get that out there in the front. I told my bf to be honest with me. Don't sugar coat things and it allows him to say what is on his mind.. good and dirty and bad.

    We went to a few halloween parties this weekend. He was in the top 10 finalists out of 75 and didn't win any prize money... however; the second party was a bit more risqué and on the way there, he told me to take my shorts off. I was a Naughty Male Nurse. So all I had on was the white coat, stockings and sneakers. The coat barely allowed the front to close properly.

    At the end of the night, and many gropings and things later. He said, even though it wasn't a free hall pass, it was halloween and we both had a lot of fun. It made me feel that much better about the two of us. We can go out, together, have a great time, and know we are leaving together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 7:33 PM GMT
    Do what I had to do twice this week: Ask 2 different guys I been dating what do THEY see me as. And then state what YOU want to have.

    1 of the guys I asked was happy to continue our thing and I got the impression he wanted to progress. The other one, well not so much.

    But atleast I got the answers I wanted. Fuck limbo. But just say it in a way that's not 'Let's get married NOW', but more in a: this is what I want things to be, are you aboard with this?

    weisumin said
    Bad: He introduced me as his "good friend" the other day to one of his friends and yesterday text me "how's my gorgeous mate doing?"..


    That's not bad! atleast he didn't pull some, "Wiesumin, meet my boyfriend Phil."
  • thebigtwist

    Posts: 102

    Oct 31, 2011 7:39 PM GMT
    Why ruin a good thing by forcing him into a relationship?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 7:49 PM GMT
    thebigtwist saidWhy ruin a good thing by forcing him into a relationship?


    He's not forcing it. He just wants to know whether they are just friends or is there an attraction. Not a relationship, an attraction. 2 different questions. And by asking that, it gives the other guy a relaxed opportunity to reveal what he wants.

    I say, why waste time not knowing?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:11 PM GMT
    Mine is kind of opposite

    He doesn't hold hands in public, only text me on the weekend and we meet at a bar or a club usually, never one on one.

    But he introduces as my bf now. So confused so I'm not sure if he just wants a "symbolic" boyfriend

    Hope this helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:12 PM GMT
    Larkin_PLR saidWhen I wanted my last bf to be my bf, I just kind of herded the conversation one day (while we were messing around haha) toward that by mentioning 1) friends asking if he was my boyfriend, 2) me responding with "We haven't talked about that" and 3) telling the story of how I had a spontaneous boyfriend talk with my first bf.

    For both my boyfriends I basically just asked them what a boyfriend looked like in their opinion... and in both cases, it looked a lot like what we were doing, so I asked them, "Wanna be my boyfriend?"


    Oh, you are clever.

    I have done almost the same thing. Ahahaha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    76coopers said
    weisumin saidWould just introducing him as my bf to someone do it?


    No.


    I agree.. no.. though I guess you could joke around a bit about it in casual conversation, without immediately going serious about it.. more like hinting
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 10:46 PM GMT
    thebigtwist saidWhy ruin a good thing by forcing him into a relationship?



    It seems very evident that the budding relationship exists, but the label doesn't. It would be nice for them to be on the same page for future reference.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    Not everyone plays the relationship label game. Sometimes you just have to trust they want to be with you without the safety net of a label.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 01, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidNot everyone plays the relationship label game. Sometimes you just have to trust they want to be with you without the safety net of a label.


    +1

    My current boyfriend doesn't like the term "boyfriend" so I completely agree. While I am fine with it, he isn't, but I know he views us as a couple because he refers to us as a couple, we celebrated our one year anniversary last month and he wrote "Happy Year 1!", he calls me every night and we text, etc.

    To be honest with you I'd prefer to be known as his boyfriend, but I respect his feelings about the term.