Younger dating older

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2008 7:59 PM GMT
    I was at a club a couple of days ago and started talking to a bartender there. He's a cool guy and was totally hitting on me, so I decided to flirt back. I had my friend ask him if he had a boyfriend and he said "no".

    A couple of minutes later I approached him and asked him if he'd like to hang out sometime. He responded, "yes". So he left his number. But then I asked him, how old he was and he told me he's 38...which is 16 years older than I am.

    I normally wouldn't let a guys age deter me, but that is a huge age difference. If and when I decide to call this guy can you give me some tips?

    1. It's been two days since we met - when should I contact him? Should I call or text?

    2. If we "hang out" what should we do?

    3. I'm definitely not putting out, so that's out of the question. But how do I know if it's just platonic or something more?

    4. Is there anything I should know about going out with someone that much older?

    Thanks
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    May 28, 2008 9:41 PM GMT
    You asked for his number and he gave it to you. Older guys like guys that follow through. Worse Case, you don't date, but get a good friend that will pour you strong drinks when you're out.
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    May 28, 2008 10:26 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like there was some connection to start with that established a comfort zone for both of you, that's cool. Regardless of age, which can play a factor, it seems you found someone that you can enjoy at least conversation with. He obviously enjoyed you or he would not have given out his number, therefore:

    1. Should you contact him? Yes, absolutely. Call or text? Definitely call him, it's more personal and having just met him, I think it would be the more mature thing to do in establishing any relationship. After you have talked, then text would be OK to ask how his day is going, etc.

    2. What should we do? This is where age is going to play a big part. You may not have the same likes/dislikes and certainly your group of friends will reflect each of your ages respectively. I might suggest a movie or casual dinner with conversation, both can cut through the "age barrier". Dancing, theatre, symphony, all types of outings that may or may not be enjoyed by both and until you determine likes and dislikes (again, regardless of the relationship) I'd stick to the pretty common things.

    3. Platonic or more? I think you'll get a feel for this as you're talking. As far as the idea of "putting out", if that becomes an issue, be sure to make it clear. I'm not going there! Also, if that seems to be a big concern, ensure that you remain in a public setting (IE: a walk downtown, park, stores, etc) vs going back to his place. I think you'll know quickly where he's going with this and you just have to let him know that you're not ready for that. You may find that eventually you will be but that's for much later in the relationship.

    4. Anything to know about an older guy? Well, older guys tend to like younger guys who are mature. This guy has established a relationship with you because 1) he either wants some! or 2) he enjoyed conversing with you and found you of interest. Hopefully the later. Older guys like to treat usually. Be considerate of that, thank him. Try and find common ground you both enjoy (IE: sports, activities, music (might be harder), literature, movie types, technology. Your profile indicates that you like basketball, golf and skiing. See if he enjoys any of those and use that as a point of commonality for conversation. Don't act like a 16 yr old, be a mature 22 year old and I think you'll find he'll appreciate you more and you'll enjoy yourself.

    Good luck man, keep us informed as to how it goes, or doesn't go.

    Damn, I think I'll be reincarnated as Ann Landers!


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    May 29, 2008 12:40 AM GMT
    collegestud86 said
    1. It's been two days since we met - when should I contact him? Should I call or text?

    2. If we "hang out" what should we do?

    3. I'm definitely not putting out, so that's out of the question. But how do I know if it's just platonic or something more?

    4. Is there anything I should know about going out with someone that much older?

    Thanks


    1. call dont text. its more personal.
    2. that can be decided when you call. find out more about what you have in common.
    3. simple when the little head thinks for you its more then platonic.
    4. its not that big of a deal as long as conversation takes place both are open about what they want out of it etc.

    My husband is 23 years older then I am and we were together 2 years before getting married. Are there differences? You bet there are but we accept them we give each other space to do things we like but the other doesnt. IE I have to go with friends to see super hero or horror movies and he goes outs friends when he wants to see those chick flick dramas but we do have a middle ground that we work on. The garden for instance. we both love working on it and growing it to 1/2acre with 4k annuals and 3k perennials it takes both of us.
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    May 29, 2008 12:50 AM GMT
    Show him your stereo system and wow him with your new-fangled cassette tapes (you'll have to explain that they take the place of his gramophone). Then surprise him by demonstrating how to make a long-distance call without operator assistance. Then really freak him out by heating something in your microwave -- USING NO FLAME WHATSOEVER.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2008 12:54 AM GMT
    Squarejaw

    That was one of the funniest things I read in a while!

    Now back to me churn. I need butter for my morning toast.
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    May 29, 2008 12:57 AM GMT
    When's the last time you used a cassette tape, let alone a cd?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    CD: yesterday

    Cassette: Two months ago....really.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2008 1:06 AM GMT
    Would this be a bad time to mention that I do actually own a 1919 Victrola? And a large pile of 78s?
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    May 29, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    That Jenny Lind is 'da bomb'
    What a voice.
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    May 29, 2008 1:45 AM GMT
    A large number of my friends are in their late teens/early 20's - and the age thing really does their collective heads in.

    Dating anyone over 25 is unthinkable to these guys and girls - I can't see the issue.

    My first boyfriend was 46 to my 29 - and we had heaps of fun. I learnt a lot from him (wine appreciation for one) and I taught him to cook. The sex was great.

    Age is irrelevant if you have things in common.

    My only pause would be why is he still working in a bar when he is almost close to 40? Peter Pan syndrome?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2008 1:49 AM GMT
    Uh, what they said! icon_razz.gif

    Bartenders can make ass loads of money at a good location.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2008 1:52 AM GMT
    go for it! it's just dating. i have dated a few men well over my age. it's just dating, not marriage. in the end, you'll have a better understand of how you view being with men of a different ages. do what makes you comfortable, just keep an open mind.
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    May 29, 2008 2:37 AM GMT
    Ignorance77 said
    My only pause would be why is he still working in a bar when he is almost close to 40? Peter Pan syndrome?


    Maybe he likes it? Maybe it's a chance to get out and make extra cash? Maybe he needs to supplement his income after a job change or he's self employed and having a harder year with the economy? Maybe he works a desk job and needs to do something more active? Or maybe he just doesn't care what other people think?

    Maybe some possibilities...
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    May 29, 2008 5:43 AM GMT
    Why are you so opposed to "putting out" ?

    Do you ONLY have sex with guys your own age or younger?

    From what you have said it sounds like you led HIM to believe that you WANT to date (and making love/sex is part of that)

    DO phone him and get to know eachother... you might find the age difference is not the issue you think but something else might be OR it may just work out for you both!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2008 6:37 AM GMT
    As a former bar tender, I didn't mean to offend.
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    May 30, 2008 5:52 PM GMT
    I'm just going to reiterate what has already been said but...

    If you want to know what it's like to date someone older than you, then find out by dating someone older than you.

    Seems logical to me ;)

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    May 30, 2008 6:17 PM GMT
    i have always had more fun dating guys around 29-35

    i dont like dating guys my age, but im not like most guys my age lol

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2008 6:42 PM GMT
    I tended bar in the wilderness of Connecticut that had half a dozen bartenders in their 40's and 50's. They were all partners in the business and it is cheaper to run the place than hire additional staff. They all did well for themselves financially, and since the staff was older/burly we always had a ton of bears and even hosted a bear-party with a few hundred people in half-dressed attendance.

    Oh, I'm sorry. You asked a question and I got all wistful.

    Call the guy already.
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    May 30, 2008 7:39 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies. Here's the update: First of all, I texted him, didn't call yesterday, which was three days after we innitially met. He texted back and told me he'd be working that night and was just hanging out.

    I had already planned to go out that night, so when we finally got to his bar, which was pretty busy, I didn't know what to say to him. Basically I'd just talk to my friends and try to position myself in a way that couldn't be seen by him, although I'm pretty sure he saw me staring a couple of times.

    I think he got a bit pissed off at me, because one of my friends said they saw him kind of storm off after he saw us sort of looking in his direction. Honestly, I think this guy is cool as hell but just didn't know what to say.

    When I got home, I texted him, "Saw you checking me out tonight" and got no response. I bet he thinks I'm sure immature kid trying to play games, which isn't true.

    By the way, this guy is college educated and obviously chooses to do this for a living, and that's his choice and should be respected.

    Somehow, I just don't think older/younger works. Oh well. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2008 3:48 AM GMT
    You're not being assertive enough man, that's why it's not working. He thinks your jerking his chain and by appearance if not by intent, you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2008 3:56 AM GMT
    Well, for one thing out vs. not out is a start.
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    May 31, 2008 5:28 AM GMT
    For me 16 years is way too much of a difference, although that was something I learned when I was 22 so it's valuable experience. Your mileage may vary.

    Bartenders tend to be heartbreakers though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2008 7:35 AM GMT
    vergence saidBartenders tend to be heartbreakers though.



    Your nipples look like Satan's eyes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2008 11:08 AM GMT
    collegestud86 saidThanks for the replies. Here's the update: First of all, I texted him, didn't call yesterday, which was three days after we innitially met. He texted back and told me he'd be working that night and was just hanging out.

    I had already planned to go out that night, so when we finally got to his bar, which was pretty busy, I didn't know what to say to him. Basically I'd just talk to my friends and try to position myself in a way that couldn't be seen by him, although I'm pretty sure he saw me staring a couple of times.

    I think he got a bit pissed off at me, because one of my friends said they saw him kind of storm off after he saw us sort of looking in his direction. Honestly, I think this guy is cool as hell but just didn't know what to say.

    When I got home, I texted him, "Saw you checking me out tonight" and got no response. I bet he thinks I'm sure immature kid trying to play games, which isn't true.

    By the way, this guy is college educated and obviously chooses to do this for a living, and that's his choice and should be respected.

    Somehow, I just don't think older/younger works. Oh well. icon_neutral.gif


    1) Text vs. call. I think most people now-a-days don't really care if it's one or another.

    2) You went with friends to the bar. I think this sends a message of "You're not really the focus of my attention," which is definitely a signal of disinterest.

    3) You basically ignored him because you didn't know what to say to him (which is okay if he knows that) but what you project is, "I'm avoiding you." People who like someone don't avoid them.

    4) You texted him, "Saw you checking me out tonight" afterwards. This is a text you might send someone online if you didn't have their phone number.

    While you don't think of yourself as being an immature kid playing games (and it doesn't sound like you are), it probably came across that way to him, since he doesn't have access to your inner thoughts. Were you hoping that he would hop the bar, penetrate your circle of friends and confess his undying love?

    I don't think this is a case of "old/young doesn't work". It's a case of mishandled social skills. Lose your security blanket of friends, and ditch the insecurity of meeting him as an equal in a setting of equal footing.