What do I say?

  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Nov 03, 2011 7:41 PM GMT
    I have two friends that have been together for about 15 years, known them for 5. They both love each other and being in a monogamous relationship, I dont ever see them breaking up.

    Lately, one of them has been confiding in me they have not had sex in 2 years. He says he is not intrested on an open relationship, but his partner always comes up with excuses about not feeling well.

    His partner, who I am not as close to, flirts with him in public and talks about how much he loves his other half. They really do look like they still only want each other.

    What do I do with that? The one I am closer is asking for advice, but it is sort of a cliche to say try an open relationship or talk to your partner.

    Any other advice I could give him?
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    Nov 03, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    Kjonyou saidI have two friends that have been together for about 15 years, known them for 5. They both love each other and being in a monogamous relationship, I dont ever see them breaking up.

    Lately, one of them has been confiding in me they have not had sex in 2 years. He says he is not intrested on an open relationship, but his partner always comes up with excuses about not feeling well.

    His partner, who I am not as close to, flirts with him in public and talks about how much he loves his other half. They really do look like they still only want each other.

    What do I do with that? The one I am closer is asking for advice, but it is sort of a cliche to say try an open relationship or talk to your partner.

    Any other advice I could give him?



    Can YOU think of any other advice? What else is there? I suppose you could suggest counseling?

    Your friends need to explore their sexual dysfunction. It could be psychological, physiological, or both. I don't see why you WOULDN'T tell your friend to "talk to your partner." When he does, he must not be hostile or confrontational, merely matter-of-fact about the situation and possible courses for a solution. Have blood testosterone checked, and see a urologist for other potential causes.


    First though, you need to make absolutely certain that you and the one dude are not involved in any form of emotional infidelity. Set up proper boundaries for your discussions. He's free to tell you about his problems, but the moment the dynamic changes to one of "it's us vs. him" you've crossed that boundary.

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    Nov 03, 2011 9:14 PM GMT
    Kjonyou said...
    Lately, one of them has been confiding in me they have not had sex in 2 years. He says he is not intrested on an open relationship, but his partner always comes up with excuses about not feeling well.
    ...
    Get a fucking clue, dude. He wants to sex you on the DL behind his partner's back.
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    Nov 03, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Kjonyou said...
    Lately, one of them has been confiding in me they have not had sex in 2 years. He says he is not intrested on an open relationship, but his partner always comes up with excuses about not feeling well.
    ...
    Get a fucking clue, dude. He wants to sex you on the DL behind his partner's back.


    Honestly, this was my thought, too. I almost think that this whole scenario is actually written by the sexless dude looking to sound out what other people think about this without getting flack for considering infidelity.
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    Nov 03, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Kjonyou said...
    Lately, one of them has been confiding in me they have not had sex in 2 years. He says he is not intrested on an open relationship, but his partner always comes up with excuses about not feeling well.
    ...
    Get a fucking clue, dude. He wants to sex you on the DL behind his partner's back.


    This
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    Nov 03, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    RedheadedRy said
    paulflexes said
    Kjonyou said...
    Lately, one of them has been confiding in me they have not had sex in 2 years. He says he is not intrested on an open relationship, but his partner always comes up with excuses about not feeling well.
    ...
    Get a fucking clue, dude. He wants to sex you on the DL behind his partner's back.


    Honestly, this was my thought, too. I almost think that this whole scenario is actually written by the sexless dude looking to sound out what other people think about this without getting flack for considering infidelity.
    +1
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Nov 03, 2011 9:36 PM GMT
    OP, this is a problem that the couple has and they have to solve it. You need to tell your friend just that and suggest, perhaps, that if conversation between the two of them does not work, then they should consider a neutral counselor.

    Creating little dramas with friends seldom does anything more than throw a wrench in the works.

    If, by the way, you are one of the parties involved and have cooked this all up to gain validation, then stop playing games and grow up.

    And that's that.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Nov 04, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    How old are they? Maybe they need Viagra.
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Nov 05, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    monet saidHow old are they? Maybe they need Viagra.


    They are both in thier 40s, so I didnt think of that.

    I know they both admit to looking at porn, so they are not compleatly dead.

    There is no way this friend intrested in me. The feeling is not mutual. I hope you are wrong there.

    It just puts me in a strange position since I know something about them I am not supposed to know. The other partner has not confided in me.

    I see your point about being caught in the middle. It could instatnly turn to me as a trouble maker. But on the other hand, I feel like an A$$ for just telling my friend to solve your own problems. In my book, friends are suposed to help each other, especally when asked for.
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    Nov 05, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    This sounds familiar....was posted on a "sock account" a few months back....icon_neutral.gif
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Nov 05, 2011 9:37 AM GMT
    WaitWhat saidThis sounds familiar....was posted on a "sock account" a few months back....icon_neutral.gif


    NOPE, not sure what you are refering to, but this is my first post on this subject. If there is a similar one, go ahead and post the link, I will check it out.
  • Bowyn_Aerrow

    Posts: 357

    Nov 12, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    Couples, straight, gay whatever tend to put on masks while in public. What they present in public is often the make believe 'we want you to think we are happy, well adjusted, and having lots of sex' mask.

    At home, out of public eye they can be far, far different with every aspect of their relationship messed up.

    This is ultimately his problem. Any advice you give can be taken the wrong way or used against you later as they divorce, and drag you through it.

    If you have never been in a long term relationship, tell him 'I have no idea, I have never been there'.

    If you have, tell him how you handled things in your relationship. Use your life as example, reminding him that what worked for you may not work for them.

    Ultimately its his choice what he does next. You can't and should not, make that choice for him.