Was your father a jackass like mine was? Would you forgive your father after all of this?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 10:26 PM GMT
    Venting...

    Starting from the very beginning my father has been a lying asswipe. Let's start!


    1. I have two sibling, by two different women, THE EXACT SAME AGE THAT I AM. Meaning he had three women pregnant at the same time.
    2. Tried to strangle my mother with a telephone chord one night, which is the reason why I don't live in New Jersey, my mother got scared and came back down here.
    3. He Came to the house an average of oh say, once a year. Visits got less frequent as I got older.
    4. He Came out of the blue one night, spanked me in FRONT of some random chick he brought with him because, "The house was messy". Then had my mother ride with him to take her to knoxville airport. He got drunk and SHE had to drive him back.
    5. Lied about his mother being dead so my mother would talk to him.
    6. When my mother tried to take him for child support, he ran!
    7. He Lied countless times when he said he was going to help.
    8.. Told my mother he had hiv either to scare he or make her feel sorry for him...then two years later said he never had it. Turns out he was lying...as we know it. My older brother (I have at LEAST ten other siblings through him) told us he didn't have hiv, the only thing he was sick from was liver trouble from drinking so much.
    9.He died when I was a freshman in college....for six months.
    10. After all this shit, he told us that he was bringing down his happily married wife and the three kids he had with her down to see us. WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE WANT TO SEE THEM!?!
    11. Said he was coming down to see my younger sister to spend time with her and by her some stuff, called one night and said he was two hours away. NEVER SHOWED UP. My younger sister actually had her hopes up.


    In his defense though, my mother's family hated him. My grandmother accused him of touching my older sister (my older sister is not his) when she was younger, although my older sister doesn't really recall. I'm pretty sure she did this to keep him away from my mother. I mean, he tried to kill her daughter one night, so of course she hated him! However, I feel sometimes that I am only getting my mother's side of the story on some of this stuff, because she never told me certain things, for example, she never told me he was a marine. At the same time though, I KNOW for a fact that he did some pretty bizarre shit that I am well aware of.

    My question is: Would YOU associate with a father like mine? I'm sure there are worse fathers that beat the hell out of their wife and kids, and there is no doubt in my mind he would have done that. He has attempted to contact me in the recent past but I have pretty much ignored all his attempts. He says that he wont help me with anything because I have an attitude, but do you really blame me? He said this when he was coming down to, supposedly, help my mother buy my younger sister school clothes and supplies. I offered to send my sister some money but nobody will accept my money. My mother keeps saying to forgive him, and I often don't let it bother me, but his birthday just passed, and I was just reading the thread about fathers and started getting pretty pissed. Sorry if it sound like I'm venting....I am pretty much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    Nope. Move on.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Nov 03, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    who fucking cares.

    get over it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 10:58 PM GMT
    My father was an asshole too, still is, to me and my Mom.
    I can't wait for him to just die.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    Zabotugi saidVenting...

    Starting from the very beginning my father has been a lying asswipe. Let's start!


    1. I have two sibling, by two different women, THE EXACT SAME AGE THAT I AM. Meaning he had three women pregnant at the same time.
    2. Tried to strangle my mother with a telephone chord one night, which is the reason why I don't live in New Jersey, my mother got scared and came back down here.
    3. He Came to the house an average of oh say, once a year. Visits got less frequent as I got older.
    4. He Came out of the blue one night, spanked me in FRONT of some random chick he brought with him because, "The house was messy". Then had my mother ride with him to take her to knoxville airport. He got drunk and SHE had to drive him back.
    5. Lied about his mother being dead so my mother would talk to him.
    6. When my mother tried to take him for child support, he ran!
    7. He Lied countless times when he said he was going to help.
    8.. Told my mother he had hiv either to scare he or make her feel sorry for him...then two years later said he never had it. Turns out he was lying...as we know it. My older brother (I have at LEAST ten other siblings through him) told us he didn't have hiv, the only thing he was sick from was liver trouble from drinking so much.
    9.He died when I was a freshman in college....for six months.
    10. After all this shit, he told us that he was bringing down his happily married wife and the three kids he had with her down to see us. WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE WANT TO SEE THEM!?!
    11. Said he was coming down to see my younger sister to spend time with her and by her some stuff, called one night and said he was two hours away. NEVER SHOWED UP. My younger sister actually had her hopes up.


    In his defense though, my mother's family hated him. My grandmother accused him of touching my older sister (my older sister is not his) when she was younger, although my older sister doesn't really recall. I'm pretty sure she did this to keep him away from my mother. I mean, he tried to kill her daughter one night, so of course she hated him! However, I feel sometimes that I am only getting my mother's side of the story on some of this stuff, because she never told me certain things, for example, she never told me he was a marine. At the same time though, I KNOW for a fact that he did some pretty bizarre shit that I am well aware of.

    My question is: Would YOU associate with a father like mine? I'm sure there are worse fathers that beat the hell out of their wife and kids, and there is no doubt in my mind he would have done that. He has attempted to contact me in the recent past but I have pretty much ignored all his attempts. He says that he wont help me with anything because I have an attitude, but do you really blame me? He said this when he was coming down to, supposedly, help my mother buy my younger sister school clothes and supplies. I offered to send my sister some money but nobody will accept my money. My mother keeps saying to forgive him, and I often don't let it bother me, but his birthday just passed, and I was just reading the thread about fathers and started getting pretty pissed. Sorry if it sound like I'm venting....I am pretty much.


    Your mother is completely right, when you see him, just say to him "I forgive you for everything" and let that be the end of that...what can he say to that?? But you have to do it soon because if not, it'll eat at you for a long time. Also you have to go on and be successful...he'll regret not being there but first and foremost, forgive him. Forgiveness is EXTREMELY powerful....forgive but NEVER forget....karma has a funny way of paying people back....you'll see exactly what I'm talking about when it happens. Trust me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    GigoloAssassin saidMy father was an asshole too, still is, to me and my Mom.
    I can't wait for him to just die.


    Jesus. We need another private convo to help release that anger and tension. You can take that out on my... stresshole. HAHAHA JKJK!!!!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:04 PM GMT
    Import saidwho fucking cares.

    get over it



    a bit too harsh. accurate, but maybe some tact?



    My take on this. Put him out of his life. He's not worth your attention. One day he may want to come and make amends. You want to be as happy and successful as possible when that happens so you can tell him to go fuck himself. Letting emotions about him drag you down won't allow you to live your life in peace so my advice is like i said, put all thought of him out of your mind and focus on making a life for yourself that doesn't involve him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:04 PM GMT
    yeah no. Drop him. My dad was a very interesting guy, because he loved me a lot, he was a lot of fun, but he pushed me really really hard, so I would like get beatings for A-'s or not keeping track of things and stuff. I actually spent a lot of time disliking him while he was alive, but now that I'm older....I feel like nothing is a challenge for me and I'm not really afraid of anything and I think it's because I got pushed so hard.

    You have to understand the difference between harshness out of love and just plain abuse. I always knew I was the most important thing in my father's life, even if his methods of showing me that were not what they should have been. He wanted to knock me down harder than the real world ever could, so that when it did, I wouldn't be phased by it.....and it kinda worked.


    From what you've told me, you're not even a priority for your dad. Forgveness is not really important. But you should essentially not think about him. All this emotion gives him a level of power over you. The only time a parent should have that level of power is when they have loved you the way you deserve to be loved.

    There are plenty of people in my family that I just don't talk to because it's not healthy and they don't enhance my life in anyway. Know this, when you comepletely cut people out of your life....that's when they ironically start behaving themselves because they respect you. Your father doesn't respect you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:07 PM GMT
    I really can't stand my father at times but i am used to his ways.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:08 PM GMT
    Noticing a racial trend here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    Who gives a shit, he's your father not mine.

    Mine wasn't exactly the model father, I don't care, I got over all that crap and moved on, we are rebuilding a relationship and it's awesome.

    Life goes on.

    You make your own decisions, do you want to forgive him or not? if you do then bloody well do and if you don't then bloody well dont.

    You don't need realjocks agreement on it.
  • 1man

    Posts: 140

    Nov 03, 2011 11:11 PM GMT
    yes, still very much a jackass, I dont forgive him. icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    I had a "difficult" Father. But he lost his own Father at 8, in 1919. He had no role model.

    So who do I blame for the abuse I suffered at his hands? Him? Fate?

    I'm not a victim. I'm tougher than that.

    I still love my late Father. He gave me my life, his genes, everything I am, really, along with my late Mother, another of my heroes.

    If I had a hard time of it, well, life isn't always a bed of roses. I worship my late parents, for all the good & bad. On balance, I'd rather have had them than any other parents on Earth. I am not the ungrateful child.
  • NHLFAN

    Posts: 370

    Nov 03, 2011 11:13 PM GMT
    This is a decision that is left up to you to decide if he brings something positive to your life or not. Only you can answer that question.

    As someone who has dealt with all of the above and significantly more than that, it's not an easy decision to make. I will speak with my father when I see him, but don't go out of my way to communicate. My step-father is dead now, but he is one that I would not associate with if he was alive.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    Your father was a sperm donor. Unless you had some coming to God moment with him where he asked for forgiveness and worked at being a better dad, forget about him.

    You: don't repeat the cycle. Help those around you to break the cycle too.

    Feel lucky to be alive. Be thankful for his sperm.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:18 PM GMT
    BlackCat90 saidYour mother is completely right, when you see him, just say to him "I forgive you for everything" and let that be the end of that...what can he say to that?? But you have to do it soon because if not, it'll eat at you for a long time. Also you have to go on and be successful...he'll regret not being there but first and foremost, forgive him. Forgiveness is EXTREMELY powerful....forgive but NEVER forget....karma has a funny way of paying people back....you'll see exactly what I'm talking about when it happens. Trust me.
    This is the best advice. Life is way too short to get tied up in hating him for being the asshole that he is. Perpetuating that hate would be a diversion from enjoying what life has to offer. Be glad that he is not in your life and keep moving.
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Nov 03, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    And your pissed AND surprised?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    I am in the same situation with my biological mother. I was adopted at age 4. I have no idea who my biological father is, and i dont care. I have my "real" father, and my "real" mother. My birth mother tried to kill me several times, and abused me for several years. I would be put into foster care, and then shipped back to face more abuse. She strangled me with a phone cord, bashed my head into a sink and held it under the water until i stopped moving, threw knives at me, beat me with phone books and the buckle end of belts. But, she was, and still is a hopeless alcoholic and drug addict. I know that she feels guilty about everything. I have no contact with her, but I see the rest of my birth family as often as I can, so I could have contact if I wanted. But from experience, she did the same thing as your dad, gets hopes up and never showed, so I stopped asking to see her. I am used to her absence, and don't need her presence. When she asks to see me, I politely decline. She doesnt cross my mind, nor do I allow her to have power over my life. She is simply a messed up person that I am better off without. I would stay away from him, ignore his messages, calls, texts until he gets the message you want nothing to do with him. If the rest of your family does, thats their problem. I forgive my mother for what she did, she was an unfit mother with a drug problem. But I will never forget what she did to me, and I will never want her in my life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:31 PM GMT
    likewatuc saidNoticing a racial trend here.
    tumblr_lq3ameyUVd1qcii9oo1_500.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    im thinking build a bridge and get over it..but build a bridge and never speak to him again..He is a classic case of toxicity. You are better off..and if you have a kid..try not to do what he did..be a better father than he ever was. "Leave sleeping dogs lie". thats a fav saying of my mother and grandmother..i suggest you do the same.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Nov 03, 2011 11:36 PM GMT
    When I was 16 my father called me a fag. When he died, he was supporting gay marriage. People change.
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Nov 03, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    My father adored my younger sister...and hated me. While my sister was showered with gifts on Christmas morning, my father would beat my head with his fists and anything he could get his hands on. Then, I would be picked up and thrown the basement stairs.

    If I were semi-conscious, I then had to watch my sister open gifts while I went without. This went on for years and years. My mom did not interfere at all. In fact, she was just as evil as he was.

    This is why the holidays traditionally mean nothing to me, and his violence towards me was in evidence every day of the year, not just at that time.

    I survived. My younger sister died first, then my mom. My father died in February of 2006. I learned of his death from a friend of his. Needless to say, my father and I have had no communication for many years prior to his death. Four people, including myself showed up for the graveside service. After the service and before my father was entombed, I asked to spend a couple of moments "alone." I kept my voice down, but I gave that bastard a piece of my mind and my parting words to him were, "Burn in hell."

    I never looked back. I hope he did.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 03, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    It amazes me that I couldnt stand my dad as a teen because he loved TOO much and was overprotective and smothering. Looking back, and compared to dads I read about, I had nothing to complain about. icon_lol.gif

    Best advice is let it go; forgive but dont forget. Holding on to that pain and resentment eats YOU up, not the person youre mad at....
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Nov 03, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    Move on. You don't need him in your life. If you want to, forgive him, but forgetting about him would be even better.

    My father was also largely absent in my life and never took an interest in me. He didn't even bother wishing me happy 30th birthday, just like all the birthdays before. Since that day that was a final fvck you from me to him and I haven't spoken to him since or had a desire to. Besides, I was always the first one to have to contact him. He never emailed me, phoned or wrote to me. Ever.

    Years of emotional absence made me used to it and today he doesn't phase me or cross my mind. I'm done with him. DONE.

    Why forgive people like that but then keep them in your life? It doesn't make sense.
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Nov 03, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    I think you only owe your parents anything if they actually fulfilled their role as parent. If they didn't do their god-damned job, then you don't owe them shit.

    Swim away from the wreckage and move on with your life.